Slow reader? Just want to kill someone? Application form here:
Slow reader? Just want to become an assassin? Application form here:
Scenario 1:You're looking out over your nation. You have just returned from a stressful meeting with the cabinet, who are slowly turning against you. The morning spent in Parliament was unproductive, because of that arsehole opposition leader. You turn around, and see a document on your desk, written on pale blue paper. It wasn't there before. You go outside your office, and ask your secretary if anyone has entered the room. 'Nobody, sir' she replies, smiling. You re-enter your office, and read the document.
Scenario 2:You're a high flying executive. You dominate this nation economically and rightfully so. Your company excels at what it does. Or at least it should...You walk over to your drinks cabinet in your home, fleetingly leaving the comfort of the high winged armchair. You slowly pour yourself a whisky on the rocks, thinking about the threat of competition, or the current power struggle within your business to be the next CEO. Walking back to your chair, you see a document on the seat, written on pale blue paper. Curious, you sit and read the document.
Scenario 3:You were a loving husband and a hard worker in the meat processing factory until the slut cheated on you for Wilkins in accountancy, and until your boss fired you for being 3 minutes late. Life is so unfair. Getting the train home from the pub, you see an advert..."Some days, you could just kill someone, couldn't you? We could. Apply within." Followed by an e-mail address. Thinking it a viral job application, you respond. Seconds later, you receive an e-mail back, from a 15 minute e-mail address, with a document attached. You slowly read the document.
Greetings.
We are a business, so to speak, in that we have a business model, we have shares and stakeholders, we have a CEO, and every quarter we look to make a profit. Yet we are not just a business, nor are we conventional in what services we provide. Accurately, we are a nation, ruled by a CEO and board of directors. We are educated by this corporation, defended by this corporation; our law is carried out, followed and written by this corporation. This is the only way this corporation could exist. Why? The service we provide is highly illegal. Assassinations.
However, as you can tell, probably, so far, we're friendly, relaxed and informal, so don't feel worried about us, we're not going to kill you (not unless we're offered some money, of course - oh god don't pull that face, we're only kidding.) Remember, your application is private, and nobody except you and a select few in the corporation can read it.
Naturally, in this cruel, malevolent world, just about every service can be bought. Prostitutes on a street corner. Drug dealers disguised as pharmacies. There are even slaves in this disgusting market. This economy revolves around death and war, and frankly if we were moral, it'd sicken us. Yet unfortunately, just like every other corporation, we want a profit. And death and war currently seem to be the demand, so we're providing a supply.
At this stage, we would like to remind you something. If you're liberal, and believe our practice to be immoral and disgusting, remember that the more immoral politicians around you already have this document, and are probably reading it, and calculating who to assassinate to further themselves the most. No disrespect to right-wing politicians here, but the liberal thinking usually are the most dangerous. Indeed, we receive a large number of orders against liberals.
We have no motive; however, we would like to add, except for profit. The company will willingly assassinate anyone, so long as we command the price. Price is calculated depending on difficulty of the assassination, and some other expenses, such as travel and false documents.
In reflection of what we have written so far, we must come off as very immoral and possibly even corrupt. Let us please now take a moment to correct this. We have both an honour code, and a number of rules. We have probably introduced enough of ourselves now to move onto these subjects.
The Honour Code:
Yes, surprising isn't it? But we do have an honour code, and we follow by it more than you can possibly comprehend. Our honour code is thus:
a) Assassination of a woman is triple the standard price of a man. [You wouldn't believe how many equality complaints we've had for that. Yes, a woman can be just as evil as a man, but we just feel worse for killing them, okay?]
b) Assassination of a child is triple the standard price of a woman (9x greater than a male). [We hope we don't need to legitimise this claim. Children do no evil, well, not to adults anyway, except damaging bank balances.]
c) If we do not receive our fee, we will anonymously leak the documents that state you ordered the assassination of Mr X, Mrs Y and their poor child, Master Z. We will give you a price quote after you provide us with some basic information about the target [contained within the application form.]
d) We will only remove from your bank account what we require and what price we agree on. You just have to trust us on this.
The conclusion of the honour code brings us onto rules. These rules are very important to us, which means they're also important to you.
The Rules:
i) You may only assassinate people you have direct control of. (e.g, if you're the President of Examplia, you may only kill subjects of Examplia. Or, say your storefront is Examplia Corp. you can assassinate anyone within that - it only affects what you can control. Going by this, you can invent fictional companies and assassinate those too, as that affects nobody. This is to prevent god-modding).
i)a) The exception to this rule is if they are unimportant; i.e an average Joe. Any assassination up to mid-level managerial role to moderately positioned civil servant may be assassinated, of any nationality.
ii) You may only assassinate people you do not control if my nation receives a telegram from the nation/corporation you've targeted saying that they're okay with that. If they do not do this, your assassination isn't carried out. (Once again, to prevent god-modding).
iii)[OOC:] By posting an application, you are allowing us to role-play as your target (we will create a short post stating how he met his end).
[IC:]Currently, these are the only two rules we have, but we reserve the right to add more as we wish. Your rights are unaffected, as the consumer (unless we've been paid to kill you. Oh stop looking at us like that, we're kidding.)
We are a business, so to speak, in that we have a business model, we have shares and stakeholders, we have a CEO, and every quarter we look to make a profit. Yet we are not just a business, nor are we conventional in what services we provide. Accurately, we are a nation, ruled by a CEO and board of directors. We are educated by this corporation, defended by this corporation; our law is carried out, followed and written by this corporation. This is the only way this corporation could exist. Why? The service we provide is highly illegal. Assassinations.
However, as you can tell, probably, so far, we're friendly, relaxed and informal, so don't feel worried about us, we're not going to kill you (not unless we're offered some money, of course - oh god don't pull that face, we're only kidding.) Remember, your application is private, and nobody except you and a select few in the corporation can read it.
Naturally, in this cruel, malevolent world, just about every service can be bought. Prostitutes on a street corner. Drug dealers disguised as pharmacies. There are even slaves in this disgusting market. This economy revolves around death and war, and frankly if we were moral, it'd sicken us. Yet unfortunately, just like every other corporation, we want a profit. And death and war currently seem to be the demand, so we're providing a supply.
At this stage, we would like to remind you something. If you're liberal, and believe our practice to be immoral and disgusting, remember that the more immoral politicians around you already have this document, and are probably reading it, and calculating who to assassinate to further themselves the most. No disrespect to right-wing politicians here, but the liberal thinking usually are the most dangerous. Indeed, we receive a large number of orders against liberals.
We have no motive; however, we would like to add, except for profit. The company will willingly assassinate anyone, so long as we command the price. Price is calculated depending on difficulty of the assassination, and some other expenses, such as travel and false documents.
In reflection of what we have written so far, we must come off as very immoral and possibly even corrupt. Let us please now take a moment to correct this. We have both an honour code, and a number of rules. We have probably introduced enough of ourselves now to move onto these subjects.
The Honour Code:
Yes, surprising isn't it? But we do have an honour code, and we follow by it more than you can possibly comprehend. Our honour code is thus:
a) Assassination of a woman is triple the standard price of a man. [You wouldn't believe how many equality complaints we've had for that. Yes, a woman can be just as evil as a man, but we just feel worse for killing them, okay?]
b) Assassination of a child is triple the standard price of a woman (9x greater than a male). [We hope we don't need to legitimise this claim. Children do no evil, well, not to adults anyway, except damaging bank balances.]
c) If we do not receive our fee, we will anonymously leak the documents that state you ordered the assassination of Mr X, Mrs Y and their poor child, Master Z. We will give you a price quote after you provide us with some basic information about the target [contained within the application form.]
d) We will only remove from your bank account what we require and what price we agree on. You just have to trust us on this.
The conclusion of the honour code brings us onto rules. These rules are very important to us, which means they're also important to you.
The Rules:
i) You may only assassinate people you have direct control of. (e.g, if you're the President of Examplia, you may only kill subjects of Examplia. Or, say your storefront is Examplia Corp. you can assassinate anyone within that - it only affects what you can control. Going by this, you can invent fictional companies and assassinate those too, as that affects nobody. This is to prevent god-modding).
i)a) The exception to this rule is if they are unimportant; i.e an average Joe. Any assassination up to mid-level managerial role to moderately positioned civil servant may be assassinated, of any nationality.
ii) You may only assassinate people you do not control if my nation receives a telegram from the nation/corporation you've targeted saying that they're okay with that. If they do not do this, your assassination isn't carried out. (Once again, to prevent god-modding).
iii)[OOC:] By posting an application, you are allowing us to role-play as your target (we will create a short post stating how he met his end).
[IC:]Currently, these are the only two rules we have, but we reserve the right to add more as we wish. Your rights are unaffected, as the consumer (unless we've been paid to kill you. Oh stop looking at us like that, we're kidding.)
The Application Process:
This stage is very simple. Just fill out the application. There are 2 applications. You must fill in the second with as much detail as you can. The first application is about you. We require some information about you, but only the fields marked with an asterisk (*) are mandatory for an assassination to be attempted. The second application is about the target. This has a few more fields to fill in, naturally. Fields marked with an asterisk (*) are the ones we really, really need. If you fill in all asterisked fields, the assassination will be a 100% success. However, if there's some things you don't know about your target which are asterisked, we'll still attempt it, however, the successfulness of the hit may be lowered.
Application Form(s):
Consumer Information (If you are ordering the assassination, this is some information about yourself. This information will never, ever be shared, unless you don't pay us. For more information, look under our honour code.)
Name:
Address:
Bank Balance*:
Bank Account Number*:
Sort/Authorisation Code*:
Motivation for ordering an assassination (any reason accepted, we're just curious):
Application for Assassination (this is information about the person(s) you wish to assassinate. If you have multiple targets, please fill in an individual application for each individual you wish to be assassinated.)
Name*:
Gender (if a female*):
Age (if under 18*):
Nationality:
Location (country)*:
Location (city)*:
Security Information* (is the target guarded, CCTV, etc*):
Address:
Occupation:
Short bio of target:
Do you want the assassination to look accidental?*:
Do you have a preference to how your target dies?:
Additional Information (Does your target have any allergies? Do you have any useful details about your target, such as credit card numbers or passport numbers?):
Percentage of successful assassinations:
100%
[How this is calculated: Number of successful assassinations divided by total number of ordered assassinations multiplied by 100. NB: an assassination can only be carried out with 100% success if all fields marked with a * are filled out. We will still attempt the assassination otherwise, but it has risk of failure. The less fields marked with a * filled out, the lower our chances of assassinating your target.]
OOC: Thanks too Erathore for all his wonderful photoshop goodness. Every image I ever post is his doing. Genuinely. Even that one of the Earth taken from Space. Photoshop. Check out his wonderful storefront here: http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=88589 - boy oh boy, aren't those some classy cars? Don't you just want 40,000 of them? Thanks also to the posters who have given me some great ideas about this storefront, you know who you are, because I telegrammed you.
