GREAT BOUNTIFUL EMPIRE OF THE UNITED TURTLES, MUSHROOMS, AND MEN OF TURTLESHROOM
PRIVATE SECTOR
INDIVIDUAL
TO: GREASY JOE'S EXTRA GREASY GREASE BURGERS
FROM: DOCTOR MAVEN MOLE
Dear Mister Bendiks:
It is a custom in my country that all letters should be addressed formally and with perfect grammar, diction, and tone.
This is not a customary letter, because HOLY CRAWFISH, I CAN ACTUALLY SMELL THE MONEY. Well, I could smell the money if I had a nose. I am a giant talking mushroom, so that isn't possible.
So you might be asking. Why would mushrooms care about your burgers? It's simple.
You will become the greatest culinary sensation in mushroom culture. So few restaurants cater to fungi! Everyone always cares about sanitation, and refridgeration, and not ingesting things that make the digestive systems of animals and men sick. Yet, there is a rich and untapped market for those that CAN ACTUALLY EAT REFUSE.
In anarcho-capitalist and libertarian night watchman states, your company has a reputation for selling poison. Your burgers, in places where the government (or the Free Market, or both) enforces no sanitation or corporate liability, are putrid, rotten stenches of Mystery Mealy Meat.
THE MUSHROOMS! You embrace fungi in your product! Now feed fungi directly!
The lack of sanitation and proper food storage in your facilities in unregulated capitalist bastions causes moldy, defective products that make men sick. While this may not reflect your company's standards in nations that actually expect sanitation, it caught my attention for a reason. If this corporation was in TurtleShroom, strict liability rules, coupled with consumers' demands to not get sick when they eat would probably shut it down. (That said, I was told another TurtleShroomer willing to take that risk is about to contact you anyway.)
I am offering to open your restaurants in TurtleShroom in a way that has no overhead costs concerning sanitation or storage of the food. The only cleanliness standards you need are in the actual public space. The food can sit on an open shelf in a closet.
How am I going to do this?
It's because mushrooms do not "eat" like animals and men do. They excrete chemicals that break down trash and rotten goods and then absorb it. Sentient mushrooms simply sit in, lie down in, or place garbage in their mouths and "eat" it that way. It's exactly like a normal fungus! You should know, given your love for everything fungal!
The matter is simple. I am going to purchase exclusive rights to franchising the Greasy Joe's Extra Greasy Grease Burgers. I will open twenty-four restaurants as a trial all across TurtleShroom, particularly in urban areas, slums, and favala zones. There, without need for proper refridgeration or storage, your food will be packaged as, and sold as, refuse.
The mushrooms will come flocking to try new and exotic "flavors" of meat, chemicals, and substitutes. Your mystery meats, your "different meat every burger" burger, your "Heart Burger" and THAT PIZZA BURGER MASTERPIECE send shivers up my fruiting body. I'm imagining that Pizza Burger aged twenty-nine days, topped with expired milk, porridge, rotten beats, and year-old, opened ketchup.... oh, with chicken nitrogen excrement and expired fava beans on the side. Holy moly. If I had tear ducts, I would be crying.
PLEASE. I CAN'T TAKE WAITING ANY LONGER. I NEED YOUR FOOD. I NEED YOUR PERFECT, DELICIOUS FOOD.Your Name: Maven Mole
Nation: Great Bountiful Empire of TurtleShroom
Previous Business Experience: PHD in Urban Infrastructure/Planning, Specialized in Sanitation and Garbage Logistics. I designed and oversaw the construction of landfills and waste management in cities. I also owned a compost restaurant on the side. I am ready to replace that scrappy little excuse for a garbage eatery with the awe-inspiring majesty of the best fast food company in Nationstates.
How much money will you be investing in the company? I have raised four hundred million Skillets ($100,000,000 U/NSD) to invest in your company. This will fund twenty-four Greasy Joe's Extra Greasy Grease Burger establishments. The rest, if your company is publically traded, will be purchasing GJEGGB stock. If it is not publically traded, it will be put in trust to see if it can open more restaurants, should the twenty-four turn a profit.
Number of branches you wish to establish Twenty-four. As a start.
If your family was trapped in a burning building, while a pile of slightly mouldy Greasy Joe's Extra Greasy Grease Burgers® were stored in another burning building, and you could only save one, which would it be? (Select One):
[X] The Burgers
[] Your family (What family? I was an unclaimed spore whose "parent" never came forward, so I was a ward of the state my whole life.)
I look forward to doing business together. We stand to make a lot of money. May your gills stay parallel and your businesses be ever profitable.
God bless you, and God bless your company. I know what my calling is now. My calling is your hamburgers.
Warmest regards,
-DOCTOR MAVEN MOLE
P.S.: Under TurtleShroomian law, cannibalism in all its forms is punishable by death. Likewise, serving mushroom products or any product with any form of mushroom in it is murder, and also punishable by death. Do not include meat from any sapient lifeform, especially men, mushrooms, and turtles, in your burger.
