The Completely Pointless Farminan Odds and Ends Warehouse provides the dictators and democrats of the world with everything they'll never need. We hope to answer all questions in misleading ways and take all your money, giving you junk and a bitter aftertaste in return.
Rush in to get abysmal prices on second rate kit, during our less-than-special reopening non-sale!
Payment should be made in Haren. Current exchange rate is approximately 1.5 haren to 1 USD. Please calculate your own orders so we have something to check our calculations against.
NO REFUNDS!
Leather Jackboots: Give your soldiers maximum discomfort while they intimidate the public in swanky leather footwear. Eighty haren.
Platform velvet boots: Do you miss the seventies? The Warehouse certainly doesn’t; but we’re still happy to profit from them. Get your classless platform velvet boots and boogie the night away for just 100 haren.
Fish and Chips: The favoured food of any evil dictator. 30 haren a serve.
Napoleonic-Era Battleships: Perfect for when style counts more than firepower or serviceability. These wooden beauties have more cannons than you can poke a stick at and very fine cotton sails. Wood never gets old at only 1,000,000 haren. Barnacles not included.
Standardised Surrender Forms: Having difficulty putting together the paperwork when you surrender? We have the answer; Standardised Surrender Forms. Applicable for both conditional and unconditional surrenders. No lawyers required! Only for 150 haren. Discounts for bulk purchase!
93’ Harvey Valley Red: Rich Farminan red wine. A great tool for easing the wheels of diplomacy. Best served with steak. Serving with fish will result in retaliatory nuclear strikes. Only two hundred and fifty haren.
Assimilation kit: Having trouble assimilating a conquered people into your nation? The assimilation kit is exactly what you need. With twenty stylish jarrah gallows, six postmodernist racks, a hundred machine guns for major intersections, DIY gas chamber and a friendly rubber duck; you are sure to win over the unintegrated. Ten million haren. Batteries not included.
Exploding Penguin: Teach your enemies to fear penguins. Undistinguishable from normal penguins until detonation. Best located on enemy television sets. 1500 haren.
Non-Exploding Penguin: Need a pet for your child that doesn’t explode? Look no further. The Non-Exploding Penguin is a unique pet; that completes a wide range of mundane functions, ranging from waddling to eating. Attaching dynamite may cause Non-Exploding Penguin to explode. To keep fresh; ensure Non-Exploding Penguin is refrigerated. 200 haren.
Tin Foil Hats for Paranoid Delusional Lunatics: Afraid they are watching you? A tin foil hat will help make you safe from your paranoid delusions. And no, we haven't placed any tracking equipment or listening devices in your tin foil hat. You can trust us...with your 100 haren.
52-Pack: A pack of ONLY 52 playing cards. If you find jokers superfluous; the 52 Pack is just what you need. Play poker with international guests and show your skills for what they are. Two haren.
Propaganda Equipment: Need the world to hear your story? Buy a printing press for 1500 Haren today. And for only an additional 1000 haren, we’ll throw in a radio transmitter for all your announcements. But wait there’s more! As part of this joint package; the Warehouse will throw in a set of mighty fine steak knives!
Ultimate Penis Enlargement: The UPE is one of the biggest pieces of artillery in the world. Weighing about 1344 tonnes; the UPE can fire an 80cm shell weighing 7 tonnes up to 37km. Firing one round every 30 to 45 minutes, the UPE is useless in a modern military, but can make any leader feel like a big man. Forty million haren; high explosive munitions included.
Devarg Business Suit: Dressing to impress? Want to buy a ridiculously overpriced designer business suit? Devarg is the label you want. For fifty thousand haren; Devarg business suits can be altered to your requests and any colour you want; Devarg does it (hot pink not included). Please attach measurements. Conditions may apply.
Limited Edition Dan Rickhart Coffee Mug: A coffee mug shaped like the lovable, and possibly pure evil, Dan Rickhart. Only 50 haren.
Pickled Terrorist Head: A talking point on any dining table for only 100 haren.
Used Coffins: Can’t afford a new coffin? Consider used coffins at only 500 haren a piece.
Insult: One per customer. 10 haren.
Big Floppy Pirate Hat: Contains ridiculously large feather. 100 haren.
"Kiss the Blood-Thirsty, Grog-Swilling, Foul-Mouthed, Scurvy-Ridden Pirate" Used-Apron: Smell vaguely of long dead fish, cheap booze and dried blood. Covered with violent and indecent images...as well as blood splatters. Caution: fleas. 20 Haren.
VX-7000 Nerve Gas: Want to wipe out a room full of people? We have the answer, two litres of high grade nerve gas. Can be fatal through breathing or skin contact. Kills in under a minute. Keep out of reach of children; item is not a toy. 10000 haren per litre.
VX-7000 Antidote A: Accidentally breathed in some VX-7000 Nerve Gas? Then you're probably already dead. Just buy this coloured water instead. 100 haren per litre.
VX-7000 Antidote B: If you really want to survive your poisioning, take half a milligram of Antidote B for each milligram of gas inhaled. Please note, injecting the antidote in the incorrect quantity will be fatal. 400 haren per 10 grams of antidote.
Antique Oak Desk: From a collection of original antique Rellian furniture; this fine item is worthy of any international leader. 100,000 haren.
Idiot’s Guide to Election-Stealing: An original book explaining how to ensure an election gives the ‘right’ result. Just 10 haren. (NB: Failure to steal an election is no result of this book. Methods suggested are not idiot-proof.)
Rubber Chicken with a Pulley in the Middle: World leaders always have a use for one of these. Only 60 pieces of eight…err…haren. [OOC: Apologies to Monkey Island]
Child Proof Nuclear Weapons Safeguards: Children keep setting off your nuclear weapons? Never worry; never fear the CPNWS is here. Soon your nuclear weapons will be safe again for just 500 haren a bomb.
Reproduction of the Treaty of Trinity: Read the humiliating terms forced on the Militia Enforced State by the Democratic Republic Farmina. Carefully framed to ensure longevity. Always good for a laugh. Only fifty haren!
Shovel: Infinitely useful in matters of digging. 60 haren.
Young Prince’s Cubby-Palace: Does the crown-prince need to get out of the house more often? Want to build for them a cubbyhouse worthy of a prince? The Cubby-Palace is the gift for you! The cubby-palace is a spacious playhouse, with map-room, kitchen, bedroom, bowling alley, bathroom with functioning plumbing, grand ballroom, drawing room, wine cellar, art gallery, attic, torture chamber and much, much more. Even adults can have fun in this truly luxurious cubby-palace. Some assembly required. Cubby-Palace can be customised. 50,000,000 haren.
Tobias Grey Poster: Want a autographed life sized poster of Farmina’s obese President on your bedroom or office wall? Get your signed poster of the juggernaut of Farminan politics, liberator of Scirenia, defender of democracy, conqueror of Trinity and the master of spin for a low, low price of 150 haren.
Used Weather Satellite: Following the Treaty of Trinity, all Messian weather satellites were surrendered to the Farminan government. Now the government has asked the Warehouse to clear the lot. Get your satellite for the meager sum of 1,000,000 haren.
‘The Emperor’s New’ Dictatorial Shampoo: All self-respecting dictators know that their hair isn’t like that of common folk. Dictators’ hair needs special treatment; and ‘The Emperor’s New’ has decided to dedicate for just this line; by creating special shampoo just for dictators. Only 105 haren a bottle; for any dictator that truly cares about his hair.
White Cat: Want to stroke a cat as you torment your opponents, just like in the movies? These well groomed cats; come with all the appropriate supplies at the low price of 150 haren. The Warehouse is pleased to de-sex the animal prior to purchase.
Kidnapped Nuclear Physicist: Speaks fluent German, unfortunately we can’t. Yours for 100 haren.
Coffee Kit: Impress your important guests with fresh, quality coffee. Kit includes: espresso machine, coffee grinder, milker frothing machine-thingy and much more. Only twenty thousand haren. Spend an extra hundred haren, for fresh high grade coffee beans and the Warehouse will throw in a set of mighty fine steak knives.
Leather whip: The Warehouse will make no suggestions on how to use this device. Please DO NOT send how you used this device to the Warehouse; we really don’t want to know what you get up to in the privacy of your own home...please don't tell us...please...50 haren.
Bottled Water: 1 litre. Water is vital for human survival, without it you will die. 1000 haren. It’s a small price for continued existence.
Holy Water: Ever wished you could just wash your sins away each night after a long day of ruling? Bathing in Holy Water allows you to do just that. Want to purify your soul every meal time? Have your chefs to cook with Holy Water every day. Improve the moral cleanliness of yourself, your family and your international guests. Buy your way into Heaven at only 10,000 haren a gallon.
Mona Lisa: The one and only original Mona Lisa. A classic painting suited for the office of any ruler. A bargain at only one hundred million haren. Discounts apply for bulk purchase.
Singing Beer Mug: Add beer and it sings at you completely out of tune. 100 haren. Similar results may be seen when beer is applied to drinker.
Used Flunkies: Need a flunky? We have the contact details for a wide range of experienced flunkies. Get our short list of potential staff for only 1000 haren.
Chewing Gum: Chewing can help the thinking process. 2 haren per packet.
Used Chewing Gum: Gum can always be chewed more. 1 haren per packet.
High-quality Discrete Listening Device (penny-sized): Because the people can never be truly free until the State is eavesdropping on their most private conversations. 500 haren per bug.
Brick: The basic building block of any empire. Red. 1 haren.
