Hello, This is Stacy Warner, coming to you live from our studio’s here in beautiful down town Caprica City, giving you honest news, and asking the toughest questions in the fourteen worlds.
Today, the investigation over the alleged tape scandal involving President Robert MacIntyre and Admiral De Bruyn comes to a close. Caprica City Marshals in a press release statement, had this to say.
“After checking the president’s evidence at his office, as well as several alibis by the Admiral of the Colonial Fleet Charles De Bruyn, we have uncovered that there was no way the President or Admiral could have done the horrific scene played on that tape.”
“The president’s x-box live account was going from the moment of the end of that interview, for another eight hours, which he played Black Ops, Communist Zombie expansion pack. When we traced through the holo-band all of the players that he played with, each confirmed it was the president online. One of the witnesses had this to say.”
‘ Yeah yo, that motha frakka has some sick skills. I knows it was him, the way he jumped up on that zombie that was about to frak my shit up, and he was like, Bam motha frakka, no one fraks with my peeps. Shit that dornie’s got some mad game skills.”
Many other testimonies from the large band of juvenile Colonials and Colonial-Dornies continue to collaborate this story. We also have this excerpt from the voice audio from his Xbox live account.
Nadine: Honey, it’s time to go to bed.
Mac: “I’m in the middle of protecting the pentagon, Nadine.”
Nadine: “Wouldn’t you rather play with me tonight?”
Pause: “In a minute dear, I gotta save this fucking root sucker from a zombie. Damn noob”
Nadine: Mac, you going to need your sleep, you know the Quorum wants that bill signed by tomorrow.
Mac: “Fuck, Hester, that bitch rides me like a cowboy on a bull. I am so sick of her nagging, screw her.”
“Picon fleet Headquarters confirms that at the time of this incident, Admiral of the Fleet De Bruyn was at Picon Headquarters, discussing the recent batch of invasion plans of various nations, in case of a war.”
The investigator continued. “We were waiting to release the findings of this report, for the Shi’do’s evidence to come in from their home planet. However with it’s destruction, we have no choice but to find the President and the Admiral of the Fleet innocent of the charges levied against them by our barony.”
— Death in the Skies of Kobol —
Olympus Kobol today announced that they found the black box of Shi’do flight 117. In the findings, the Black box recorded an explosion as the ship left orbit in it’s fusalage, shortly before losing contact with the ground, and exploding. The cause of this explosion is still undetermined, and investigators are quickly sorting through the wreckage to discover the explosion’s cause. If it was an act of man, or the gods themselves.”
— Lineage of Kobol —
In the wake of recent controversies, historians at the Athenian college at Delphi Caprica, have been in a furor to discover if indeed a long lost segment of the Colonial populace has been discovered. Dr. Sarah Blake Kobolist Historian had this to say.
“According to our records, and to the sacred scroll, at the exodus of Kobol two ships left Kobol, during the time known as the great calamity. The first, the Gideon, was the one that transported the people of the twelve tribes of Kobol to us here at the Twelve Colonies, which landed at Tauron, the first of the colonies settled.”
“The second was the one carrying the thirteenth colony to the planet Earth. Earth is specifically named in all of our records, not a planet called Lao’man. Now knowing that there are many planets in this galaxy due to the Fractural Earth theory, We decided to do a computer based simulation on the flight path described by the sacred scrolls, as well as other records, including the famed Temple of Athena.”
“Caculating for astral drift, over the last four thousand years, we calculated that indeed the thirteenth colony of Kobol was on the earth that the Dornies reside in.”
She looks into the camera. “Also the Shi’do are claiming to be of the thirteenth constellation of Kobol. Constellations had nothing to do with the founding of the United Colonies of Kobol, but the Colonies settled. The Twelve Colonies are not founded in twelve separate constellation, but one solar system, while Earth seems to have been sent the other way.”
“There is much speculation as to why the Twelve tribes and the thirteenth parted in opposite directions, the most predominate theory is that Earth was like it’s own Australia. A colony for the insane and criminals, who couldn’t adapt or work within normal colonial society. That would explain their odd mannerisms and cultures, as well as their universal nerd rage and love of guns, and how they like to frak furries, with car batteries on their nipples.”
She continued. “There is no evidence that we have uncovered to suggest that there was indeed another ship that left Kobol on that day, four thousand years ago, which went to another galaxy.”
Upon the findings of the reports from the Athenian College, Speaker of the Quorum Andrea Hester had this to say.
“We the fourteen colonies of Kobol, are proud of our baronies in the Galactic Empire. The Amesha have shown great cunning and technological prowness, as well as active participation within this great alliance. The Shi’do, the newest of our barony have demonstrated unbreakable will, and the desire for power. They challenge the presidency, and claim to be one of us, which would uplift them to the status of Lord of the Galactic Empire. This isn’t something to be feared or angry about, but the nature of the Empire. The strong shall always rule, and if President MacIntryre and Admiral De Bruyn are not strong enough to lead in the face of such adversity, then they should resign. Although two investigations are over, one still remains. Did the president have anything to do with the destruction of flight 117? We await the findings from Kobol for that answer”
Stacy comes back to the screen. “In economic news, The Bloody Hand has announced that due to it’s buying of a single commercial slot here on our network, they have received a “a ton of bounties, and cubits”
Spokesperson for the private law enforcement office Luci Devon, had this to say.
“We are pleased that the people of the Fourteen worlds and abroad have helped us to bring the abortions of this universe to justice, and graced us with work. We here at the Bloody hand, wish to extend our same services abroad, to many nations, so that together, we can bring to an end, the nearly extinct disease that plagues the universe, The force infected.
Stacy pulled up some papers, and looked at the camera. “Coming up next, why Tracy Juggs is popular with many colonial youths. Could it be her, “huge” tracts of land? You’ll find out, after this commercial break.
--- Commercial Break ---
Commercial begins, and the surrounding area looks to be an old village, somewhere lost in the mountains.
A woman tied to a stake, her hands bound around her. In the distance, one can see a FI-187 Series Supernatural Inhibitor, on the ground near by, in a small black box. The woman is struggling against the ropes, and looks very scared.
“I am not a demon or a disease!” She screams, “I try to do good.”
Luci walks up, with the jedi’s lightsaber in her left hand. She presses the button, and a green blade shoots out, igniting the gasoline soaked wood. Her body begins to char, and bubble from the heat, as she screams out in pain. With no sympathy in her voice, the camera zooms in on Luci's face, with the flames reflecting in her eyes. "The road to Hades is paved with good intentions"
Luci, the red headed woman, who was wearing a black leather skin tight suit turns to the camera, and walks away from the fire, as she gently tosses the light saber over her shoulder into the fire. “If only it was truly this simple, then the Bloody Hand would not be needed.” She said with a smile, as the woman’s screams die down, and her skin begins to smoke.
“Unfortunately, it is not. The force infected are everywhere. In our schools, in our homes, and in our governments. It is a fact that last year alone thousands of children across the galaxy were kidnaped, taken from their homes, by the Jedi. Good college students who would normally live a peaceful happy life, were seduced with the promises of power and money, by the Sith and the People’s Acolytes.”
“We have all suffered under the atrocities of the force users. Caprica City was bombed by the Jedi not twenty five years ago, and under Emperor Palptine, planets burned with his rage and lust for total control.”
She smiles again, “And who can forget the travesty of the People’s Acolytes. How many innocent Tenetians died by their hands, people who would have grown up to have beautiful families, and children.”
“That is what we here at the Bloody Hand do. Protect the innocent. If you suspect someone is a force user, your daughter’s boyfriend, teacher at school, the woman who used a mind trick to seduce your husband away from you,
give us a call toll free.”
“We here at the Bloody Hand, believe in one principle. For each jedi, sith, or acolyte we take into custody, or eliminate, that is one more child who will not have to be taken from his mother, her father, their siblings.
“And remember parents, if you suspect your child of being an abortion to nature, please call us toll free, and learn how you can get one of the fine force vaccinations from Lebran Pharmaceuticals absolutely free.
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Que Music*
The Bloody Hand, We get our hands dirty so you don’t have to.