"There is a crisis in our nation." Lou Bellefor announced to the massive auditorium hanging on his every word. "Women, the most physically, emotionally, and intellectually vulnerable members of our society, are preyed upon on a regular basis. Maybe it's muggers. Maybe it's mice. Maybe it's a deer that is kind of close and she sort of freaks out and tries to hit it for some reason, which is really stupid. Maybe it's their time of the month. Or maybe she just plain old didn't get her way. This leads to them getting... emotional."
Mutters percolated around the audience.
"The solution is obvious: Invent a robot that de-escalates and calms them and allow that robot to be on call anywhere in Birina 24/7 to deal with these annoying creatures. With the press of a small button the robot will deploy. It will also deploy automatically if it hears a woman yelling or crying above seventy-five decibels which is the point where it starts to become dangerously annoying for men. Introducing the DeScreecher Ten Thousand!"
A podium rose out from the center of the stage that had a hulking, vaguely humanoid metal android on it. It had a silk necktie clumsily arranged on its neck.
"The necktie is an added touch to remind women of their husbands, which has a natural calming influence on them."
"This is an outrage!" Cried a woman in the audience. She was opinionated and, dare I say, starting to "get ideas".
"Ah, yes!" Lou pointed towards her. "Excellent! Could the young lady over there who got her husband's permission to come to this talk please join me on stage? You'll have a great opportunity to voice your concerns now."
She climbed on stage, which she could do with the help of several men, in order to state her case that (presumably) women were just as good.
"Now." Lou continued, "This woman is hysterical. As always, we have no idea why."
"Because of your awful invention!" She shouted back at him, her knifey tone rising well above seventy five decibels. Like clockwork the DeScreecher 9,000 sprung into action and hovered over to her. She was also hovering. Everyone was hovering.
"Like I said, she's hysterical. Why exactly is a mystery, but watch the DeScreecher 8,000 spring into action! First it's going to try verbal communication."
The DeScreecher began bellowing in the woman's face, as loudly as possible, "Calm down! Calm down! You must calm down!"
"Wait, just hear me ou-" the woman began, before being interrupted by the Descreecher 12,000.
"Calm down! Calm down!"
"You see, it's very important when trying to calm a woman that you interrupt her when she's trying to state her case. Nothing upsets a woman more than being able to get a word in edgewise and thinking only promotes hysteria. Failing that, the robot moves on to shock therapy."
"This isn't worki-!" the woman protested, using her lips to make sounds, until they were adroitly smacked by the DeScreecher 69,000 who had activated its Connery Module.
"This is the standard issue version. The deluxe package comes with a more human electric shock module, but it's a lot less fun. Arguably this feature also reminds them of their husbands. But as we all know, as demonstrated by Dr. Connery robots can smack with ten times the efficiency of a comparable abusive man wearing a tanktop."
"I don't even have a husband!" She protested in between soothing, calming smacks.
This put the DeScreecher into overdrive. Because everyone knows that unmarried women are miserable.
"At this point the DeScreecher is escalating to its absolute last resort, which it only deploys when it absolutely needs to: Opiates. It is also the most frequently used tool in its arsenal. But first, see how it's noticed that I, a calm and rational man, am nearby. Watch what it does."
"Deploying beverages!" The Descreecher announced as it approached Bellefor and handed him a perfectly chilled lager. It then turned back round on the woman who, in spite of its best efforts, remained at least somewhat emotional.
"You see, he understands how difficult it is on me, a man, to have to put up with this bullshit. And furthermore it understand that alcohol will dull my senses and help me to deal with a woman being emotional at least on a temporary basis. Obviously it will require more alcohol to dull the senses of alcoholic men so the robot will provide them with more and stronger beverages."
"How much do they cost?" One man in the audience inquired. He had put a seat between him and his wife.
"Five Birinian dollars. Which is a lot in our money!"
