Da Epik War [IC|SATIRE|INVITE ONLY]

[Aureumterra]

OOC: This is a satire RP, not to be taken seriously in any way, just for jabbing fun at how bad we were at RP in the beginning

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Potens, Aureumterra
Emperor Dragonquack, the supreme Emperor of Aureumterra, a massive colonial empire that spanned from Iran all the way to Cuba without any given backstory and built up by futile territorial claims, was busy in his private chamber furiously typing.

It was on an online forum board called Nationstate, the subforum General, on the "Exodian Election Megathread V, Shang the Gang’s Rise." arguing with forum users.

There’s no way Shang will win. He’s the world’s biggest loser. Y’all will bow down to the Aureumterrese Empire. Shang will never win an election. Dragonquack typed.

A user responded, Lmao what the hell is up with the demonym "Aureumterrese" lol. Also your name is the dumbest shit that makes you seem like an underground rapper than royalty. Also, Shang all the way! #ShangGang

Dragonquack got furious, How dare you criticize me pleb! Mark my words, if Shang wins, I’ll use my kinetic superweapons to bomb Yugoslavia!

The user responded, lol ok boomer

---

Following the election
"GODDAMNIT! HOW THE FUCK DID SHANG WIN?! THE AA NEEDS TO GO NOW! I LOST A BET, BUT THAT’S OK BECAUSE NOW I CAN FINALLY DESTROY THE YUGOSLAV SCUMS! FIRE THEM!" Dragonquack ordered.

The overpowered weapon rained "fire and fury" on Yugoslavia, completely destroying it somehow without denting Aureumterra’s economy. The war between the AA and the JP had finally begun.

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

Lord Inquisitor Quilljoy says "ok this is epic" and orders the 420th Baneblade Division to assist Auremterra
they will arrive in 3 days to Yugoslavia

OOC: my friends why are there lackings of posts

[Democratic Exodian Territories]

Federal Chateau, New Collective City "Government Strip"
Drarta Island, Democratic Exodian Territories

Where could you most frequently find two vehemently opposing opinions in Exodia?
Well, the bedroom of course.

OOC: Full scene located here. Viewer discretion is advised.

.....

"That was amazing, love." Senator Elizabeth Shirelle of the Progressive Party remarked, pushing back her waves of brunette, now-frizzy hair as she slumped down beneath the covers.
"I-I think we finally agreed on something, honey." Governor Shang the Gang himself, flushed red beneath his tuft of side-shaved, coal-black hair, as he held the woman next to him tightly.
.............

After a few hours and they'd both cooled down, Shang retrieved the Sapphire Systems-reverse engineered iPad from his bedside.

"Fuck, that white-trash imperialist imperializing authoritarian totalitarian buzzword white trash emperor with an idiot name got so butthurt he attacked Yugoslavia! Dammit, I need to intervene right now!"

"Think I should call together the Senate to unanimously declare war?" the Senator next to him peered at the device.

"Absolutely, thanks. I'm mobilizing the Exodian Armed Forces with this button. They'll know what to do, guided by Exodian Spirit!"

All across Exodia
"fucking shoot already you little bitch"
"this feels amazing if you lie down on the ground bruh"

Over forty 16-inch and 25-inch railgun rounds, fragmentation shells of osmium and a rocket-fuel explosive with an artillery fuze made by the frozen tears of Reylo fangirls, soared upwards towards the sky, reaching escape velocity.
Before any defense systems could react, the rounds slammed into Aureumterrese orbital kinetic weapons and exploded, destroying them and forcing them to fall into the atmosphere and burn up over Pan-Asia and Fardhin, though many large, intact pieces conveniently fell on naval and air military bases.

A few rounds went wide and impacted an Eclisian military space station with a giant Drax Industries logo (a jAmEs BoND rEfErenCe fOr yOu unCultUreD sWinE) on it, killing everybody aboard and destroying it instantly.

Havana, Cuba
Attention, Cubans! We are here to liberate you from the bloody moronic, child-eating, mother-raping Aureumterrese! You're welcome! A speaker aboard a Judge APC blared.
Hundreds of Provocateur main battle tanks of varying models, from 150mm short howitzers to railgun tank destroyers, as well as Constantine superheavy tanks, backed up by the Judges, Hellhound III IFVs and shameless copies of Metal Gear RAY stormed the beaches of Cuba, shooting up and burning everything that displayed an Aureumterrese symbol. Meanwhile, Archangel superheavy bombers, supported by XF-45 advanced heavy multirole fighters, bombed the shit out of anything that looked vaguely like a military installation.

Offshore, eight Paladin-class battleships, supported and protected by multiple guided missile destroyers, aircraft carriers, amphibious assault ships, hunter-killer and ballistic missile submarines, and several motorized rowboats defended the attack from any JP navies or militaries. They also blockaded the Panama Canal.

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

the republic of christian dom drops 14000 inquisitorial sturmtruppen into exodia
they are all very motivated and ready to die for god

hightier roc engineering gives them infinite-shot laser machine gun called 'hellgun'

'desu vult' one yells before shooting exodians

power roc lasers go right through shitty cheap exodian armor vehicles

[Democratic Exodian Territories]

the republic of christian dom drops 14000 inquisitorial sturmtruppen into exodia
they are all very motivated and ready to die for god

hightier roc engineering gives them infinite-shot laser machine gun called 'hellgun'

'desu vult' one yells before shooting exodians

power roc lasers go right through shitty cheap exodian armor vehicles

Exodians scrape off the camo paint on their armor and vehicles, making them shiny
they reflect laser into ROC sturmtruppen killing them instantly

"haha Jesus is our friend fooking dumbasses"

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

the republic of christian dom drops 14000 inquisitorial sturmtruppen into exodia
they are all very motivated and ready to die for god

hightier roc engineering gives them infinite-shot laser machine gun called 'hellgun'

'desu vult' one yells before shooting exodians

power roc lasers go right through shitty cheap exodian armor vehicles

Exodians scrape off the camo paint on their armor and vehicles, making them shiny
they reflect laser into ROC sturmtruppen killing them instantly

"haha Jesus is our friend fooking dumbasses"

ROC sturmtruppen ignore due to faith in christ and titanium armor
'ok lmao' one said as they called in mustard gas

gas fill battlefield cause filthy exodian to choke to death as sturmtruppen put on gasmask

[Democratic Exodian Territories]

Exodians scrape off the camo paint on their armor and vehicles, making them shiny
they reflect laser into ROC sturmtruppen killing them instantly

"haha Jesus is our friend fooking dumbasses"

ROC sturmtruppen ignore due to faith in christ and titanium armor
'ok lmao' one said as they called in mustard gas

gas fill battlefield cause filthy exodian to choke to death as sturmtruppen put on gasmask

Exodian Army already have gas masks
Better gasmasks with Projectile Protection IV and Unbreaking II

They headbutt sturmtruppen hard until their gasmask break and flood them with gas to choke, Exodian spirit engineering is unbreakable
“Haha no u”

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

ROC sturmtruppen ignore due to faith in christ and titanium armor
'ok lmao' one said as they called in mustard gas

gas fill battlefield cause filthy exodian to choke to death as sturmtruppen put on gasmask

Exodian Army already have gas masks
Better gasmasks with Projectile Protection IV and Unbreaking II

They headbutt sturmtruppen hard until their gasmask break and flood them with gas to choke, Exodian spirit engineering is unbreakable
“Haha no u”

stormtrooper no die because gas mask solid titanium

"reverse"

exodian gas mask shatter

69th Baneblade divison is airdropped and begin shooting metal gears knees and running over stinky exodian

smell from exodian corpse cause 1 sturmtruppen to choke to death
post losses

[New Mushroom Kingdom]

(OOC: I'll assume a discord message counts as an invite....)
Foreign Minister's Officially Unofficial Rural Mansion, Middle of Nowhere
He was enjoying his brief countryside vacation when an aide came up to him. This was most displeasing, for that kind of thing was exactly what he was trying to get away from, travelling to a rural mansion in the middle of nowhere so he would be undisturbed and able to relax. The mansion was Officially Unofficial simply because, who needs a reason when you're rich as all hell and want a place to get away to.
When the aide came up to him, he was informed that all hell had broken loose because a foreign ruler apparently decided to grab the Idiot Ball and make good on a shitpost involving kinetic weaponry. The retaliation for the ruination of Yugoslavia had apparently involved a very very large amount of weaponry. The first strike was against the kinetic weapons, the debris from which was tracked as landing all over the place in Asia. (Not His Problem, Sucks to be them.) A railgun was used to instantaneously destroy an entire space station somehow (Not that he wanted to find out, unless it landed in his back yard. Then he'd be pissed.)
To top it off, it would seem that Exodian forces were currently engaged in the task of invading Cuba, continuing the 'shock and awe' theme by blasting anything bearing their enemy's symbol or had the slightest resemblance of anything that could be used to hit back. This was initially worrying because he worried they may ask for an intervention, but then he realised he couldn't remember actually signing a binding document to that effect so he didn't have to care about that either. The closing of the Panama Canal was simultaneously Someone Else's Problem and also opened up profitable opportunities for forces in that region, since without that Canal there's really only one route...

After this done, the minister turned to his aide and warmly said back: "What do you say we don't do anything. Just turn on the TV (and/or satellite footage), grab a lot of popcorn as well as some of my best booze and watch the carnage and spectacle of this war? After all, evidently none of this is our problem, we get entertainment and they waste their resources on a pointless expensive war."

[Democratic Exodian Territories]

Exodian Army already have gas masks
Better gasmasks with Projectile Protection IV and Unbreaking II

They headbutt sturmtruppen hard until their gasmask break and flood them with gas to choke, Exodian spirit engineering is unbreakable
“Haha no u”

stormtrooper no die because gas mask solid titanium

"reverse"

exodian gas mask shatter

69th Baneblade divison is airdropped and begin shooting metal gears knees and running over stinky exodian

smell from exodian corpse cause 1 sturmtruppen to choke to death
post losses

They retreat, they wear another gas mask underneath, 12 Exodians die from roadkill

Metal Gears from 420th Nuclear Battalion fall down but get back up, shoot Baneblades through top and bottom and throw them into sea
they drown and sink
post losses

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

stormtrooper no die because gas mask solid titanium

"reverse"

exodian gas mask shatter

69th Baneblade divison is airdropped and begin shooting metal gears knees and running over stinky exodian

smell from exodian corpse cause 1 sturmtruppen to choke to death
post losses

They retreat, they wear another gas mask underneath, 12 Exodians die from roadkill

Metal Gears from 420th Nuclear Battalion fall down but get back up, shoot Baneblades through top and bottom and throw them into sea
they drown and sink
post losses

thick epic roc composite titanium-silver alloy block stupid exodian shots

baneblade grow legs and arms and begin armwrestling with metal gears

[Aureumterra]

Cuba
The Exodian Spirit was overwhelming, and Cuba was almost lost. However, a discontinued Aureumterrese ship was conveniently crashing down to Earth at that spot at that particular time, destroying all Exodian forces.

In retaliation Aureumterra launched enough osmium rods onto one of the Exodian islands, Trosta, that it will sink, ignoring all trade and international repercussions and basic geology

[Atkemri]

The way of battle

Looking at the world around him Wells knew that he had to get involved for oil to help win the bet for Atkemri. Ignoring logistics and basic common sense 100,000 soldiers got on transports immediately and went undetected to land in the capital of Aurrementa. They use their Wakandan training to dodge the bullets shot at him and shooting back at the heads of their enemies.

Post losses

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

The way of battle

Looking at the world around him Wells knew that he had to get involved for oil to help win the bet for Atkemri. Ignoring logistics and basic common sense 100,000 soldiers got on transports immediately and went undetected to land in the capital of Aurrementa. They use their Wakandan training to dodge the bullets shot at him and shooting back at the heads of their enemies.

Post losses

they are crushed by superheavy baneblade tank division

post losses

[Aureumterra]

The way of battle

Looking at the world around him Wells knew that he had to get involved for oil to help win the bet for Atkemri. Ignoring logistics and basic common sense 100,000 soldiers got on transports immediately and went undetected to land in the capital of Aurrementa. They use their Wakandan training to dodge the bullets shot at him and shooting back at the heads of their enemies.

Post losses

Before they arrive, the Emperor says the n-word on a radio broadcast to them

[Aureumterra]

Italian Libya
Aureumterra also sends a massive invasion force into Italian Libya for no particular reason, they land in Tobruk

[Atkemri]

The way of battle

Looking at the world around him Wells knew that he had to get involved for oil to help win the bet for Atkemri. Ignoring logistics and basic common sense 100,000 soldiers got on transports immediately and went undetected to land in the capital of Aurrementa. They use their Wakandan training to dodge the bullets shot at him and shooting back at the heads of their enemies.

Post losses

Before they arrive, the Emperor says the n-word on a radio broadcast to them

The way of battle

Looking at the world around him Wells knew that he had to get involved for oil to help win the bet for Atkemri. Ignoring logistics and basic common sense 100,000 soldiers got on transports immediately and went undetected to land in the capital of Aurrementa. They use their Wakandan training to dodge the bullets shot at him and shooting back at the heads of their enemies.

Post losses

they are crushed by superheavy baneblade tank division

post losses

The power of the N-word and bane blade reduces the 100,000 to dust...but wait! Using the power of their absolute 100% belief in democracy they reconstruct themselves as Wakandan Space Marines and each fire a tactical nuke at Aurrementa (yes all of it) and the baneblades. President Wells also goes on Aurremrntan radio systems after they are hacked by the Atkemrian super cyber team and calls their entire military gay. In Libya the Atkemrian military fires burning Italian flags at the Auremntarrens causing massive damage.

Post losses

[Gagium]

King arsene rodier smiled at his phone as his mom came in. quickly hiding his phone, he frowned and looked at his mom. "why are you in here"

"you have to invade aureumterra, they are being dickheads and bullying democratic nations again. dumb imperialists. I also want you to establish a permanent colony in europe to spread freedom there"

"ok mom"

Arsene rodier gathered a contingent of 1 million of gagiums finest soldiers, 10,000 tanks, 12,000 apcs, 1.5k mraps, 5,000 artillery pieces, 1,000 self propelled artillery, 20,000 utility vehicles, 200,000 intelligence analysts, and 5,000 spies and embarked for aureumterra. Their latest transgression will be their end, arsene rodier smiled at the thought of permanently destroying imperialism and colonial empires by spreading freedom and liberty - and his gamer rule - to aureumterra, europe, and the rest of the world.

he also sent a message to atkemri and exodia. "guys we need to fight back against aureumterra and the evil jupiter pact, theyre literally trying to take over the world. i mean really WE CANT HAVE A WORLD LED BY SOMEONE NAMED DRAGONQUACK. please send your best troops and lets invade europe. lmao"

meanwhile arsene rodier picked up his phone again and smiled at a meme of emperor dragonquack saying the n word. fucking racists.

[Democratic Exodian Territories]

They retreat, they wear another gas mask underneath, 12 Exodians die from roadkill

Metal Gears from 420th Nuclear Battalion fall down but get back up, shoot Baneblades through top and bottom and throw them into sea
they drown and sink
post losses

thick epic roc composite titanium-silver alloy block stupid exodian shots

baneblade grow legs and arms and begin armwrestling with metal gears

Metal Gears shift railgun armament and radome to groin, defeat idiot baneblade mech with superior CQC and dickslapping

Cuba
The Exodian Spirit was overwhelming, and Cuba was almost lost. However, a discontinued Aureumterrese ship was conveniently crashing down to Earth at that spot at that particular time, destroying all Exodian forces.

In retaliation Aureumterra launched enough osmium rods onto one of the Exodian islands, Trosta, that it will sink, ignoring all trade and international repercussions and basic geology

Almost immediately, the Exodian Morning Star railgun array, fresh from firing at other Aureumterrese orbital weapons, trained their barrels on the last one and fired- Half the rounds destroyed the satellite, while the other half somehow intercepted enough rods to keep the island afloat

“Haha bitch not this time Lethen taught me that”

Cuba

Out of nowhere, a second expeditionary force emerges from the sea, identical to the previous group, and resume their blockade of Panama and invasion of Cuba.

Reykjavik, Aureumterrese Iceland

Several Exodian aerial missile destroyers and helicarriers slow down from hypersonic speed, and multiple ballistic missile and cruise missile submarines rise from the oceans slow from their supercavitation, multiple nuclear-armed Metal Gears trailing them.

They open fire on Reykjavik and its surrounding military bases and villages with salted cobalt nuclear rounds and warheads, enough to somehow break the laws of geology and ignite every volcano on the island into a high-pressure plinian eruption

post losses

EDIT:

Shang responds to king arsene over Steam Chat

“I will, c’mon get your battlepass, where we dropping?”

[Aureumterra]

Gagium
Aureumterra, angry at Gagium for no reason, decided to send a mass of troops to New Orleans

[Democratic Exodian Territories]

Gagium
Aureumterra, angry at Gagium for no reason, decided to send a mass of troops to New Orleans

A squadron of Exodian Air Force interceptors burn them all with white phosphorus munitions for coming close to Exodia and Gagium, before returning to base to eat egg rolls and do PT

[Aureumterra]

Gagium
Aureumterra, angry at Gagium for no reason, decided to send a mass of troops to New Orleans

A squadron of Exodian Air Force interceptors burn them all with white phosphorus munitions for coming close to Exodia and Gagium, before returning to base to eat egg rolls and do PT

Potens
“HOW THE FUCK AM I BEING BEATEN BY A SMALL ISLAND CHAIN IN THE GULF OF MEXICO?!?!?!?!?!”

Emperor Dragoqnuack screamed at his advisors.

“Perhaps its powerwanking? They justify it with ‘client states’”

“NO! IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING MORE SINISTER! SHOOT NUKES AT THEM!!!” The Emperor said

The advisor sighed

[Polish Prussian Commonwealth]

roc baneblades airdrop into gagium, grow arms and legs
begin destroying big cities


roc baneblades use arms and legs to punch through puny exodian metal gears and enter new colleticve city

[Aureumterra]

Aureumterra invades and conquers Northern France somehow

[Aureumterra]

Moon
Aureumterra’s godmodded space force also had a moon base, a massive laser on the moon was shot at New Collective City