NAIRA BUSINESS TIME - BIG PAPER BIG MONEY August 24, 1995 BIG TIME WIN TIME VERSUS SMALL TIME REBEL LOSERS Forces of BIG WINNER OBERKAISERMEISTER BEAG DON'K'EE have struck against the rebellious village of Wangai. Last month, the local pr*testant church coaxed their godless congregation into a hunger strike, protesting the government's collectivization of their village's agriculture and modernization efforts. According to reports from the Minister of Agriculture, Ambali "Corn-rows" Moma'con, the village people are too stupid to understand how to use the tractors provided to them. Raving over the "red demons," the stupid mixed pig-babies burned their identification papers and sat in front of the newly constructed police station for days, refusing to eat. The Grand Council of Military Justice penned a cease and desist order to the village; the order was ignored and, at the request of the local police, the troops were sent in. Elements of the King's own Sturmdivision cleared the crowd, torched the village church, and arrested the congregation's leader who, in accordance with the latest edict from Majesty's Council of Spiritual Affairs, will not be named in this paper. Today, his Supreme Majesty, Hauptkaisermeistermann BEAG DON'K'EE, awarded and promoted Mr. Jaja M'cactas, a soldier who settled the conflict. Mr. M'cactas was the brave soldier who found the weak, sniveling, pr*testant preacher. M'cactas has been promoted to Oberstleutnant, received the preacher's wife as tribute, and will be tasked with repopulating the village with men of the proud aryan Kanuri tribe. His Supreme Majesty gave the following statement regarding the matter, and the lingering issue of minority conformity, during a post-ceremony press conference.
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