Kurt Zander: The World Rediscovered [IF ONLY]

[The Baltic Republic]

Kurt Zander: The World Rediscovered

Kurt Zander: The World Rediscovered is a Baltic travel television show on Baltic National Television Network (BNTT) which will premier on November 6, 1965. In the show, Kurt Zander, a famous comedian and author, travels the world, explores foreign cultures, and depicts an accurate image of other countries to viewers. Kurt, well known in the Baltic Republic for his books Why the Baltic Republic is the Greatest Country on Earth and Modern Savages: A Closer Look at Barbaric Foreign Cultures, will show Balts an unbiased and open minded view of other countries. Tune in every weekend to see what new location Kurt will rediscover.

Disclaimer from the Baltic National Television Network:

1. No one post here unless you have permission (culture secs get an exception ig).
2. If you want your country featured in an episode, tg me.
3. This show is meant to be a satire of travel shows as well as propaganda promoted by the Baltic Republic.
4. TV-14

[The Baltic Republic]

Episode 1: South Africa

"Located at the southern most tip of the African continent is a nation with diverse cultures and fierce ethnic divisions. South Africa. Home to twenty-two million people, the nation is deep within political and racial strife because of apartheid. Despite being outnumbered four to one by black people, whites dominate the political system and oppress the three other ethnic groups: blacks, colored people, and Indians. South Africa also suffers from a great amount of poverty, mostly affecting non-whites. I, Kurt Zander, will be exploring the traditions and cuisine of these people, while also finding out more about why this country is not as great as our homeland," narrates Kurt over images of bustling streets, "white only" signs, and poverty-stricken slums.

The show's theme song and opening titles play showing several scenes of Kurt harassing locals from different countries and disrespecting national monuments.

"When you think of Africa what image comes to mind?" asked Kurt as he walked through a street in the white-only area of Cape Town. "Probably people with leaf skirts and spears, right? You probably imagine them speaking some sort of click clack language, right? Well you are wrong, you racist bastards. In this part of Cape Town, only white people are allowed to own property. So as you can see..." Kurt opened his arms out and gestured for the viewers to look around. "Here most people are European and speak English."

"Store owners on the streets sold a variety of items. The highest quality meat was usually only sold in white areas like this. White only buses drove by, and sidewalks hosted white only benches. Major buildings had segregated entrances. Police would randomly stop blacks and demand to see identification."

"I want to discover the truth behind this apartheid. Why are the divisions so strong? Do all white people agree with this segregation? I do not know, but I intend to find out," said Kurt. He then stopped a random white man walking by.

"Excuse me, mister. You are white, yes?" he asked the blonde haired man who cautiously nodded his head. "Then explain to me. Why you hate black people?" The confused man walked away without saying a word.

"Sir! Sir!" called out Kurt. "These people do not want to talk. Good thing I have invited a man who is willing to speak to me"

---

Kurt sat in a small bakery with a man across from him.

"Hello, racist man. Frank, right? I want to know, why yo-" Kurt was cut off by Frank.

"Um, before we start I want to you to taste this." A waiter brought them Malva pudding. A Dutch import, Malva pudding is a sweet and sticky baked sponge pudding made with apricot jam and served smothered in a hot cream sauce.

"Oh, yes. Very good," Kurt said through a mouthful of pudding. "So in this city you have many different food. Food from Europe like this. And Africa food, right?"

"Right, but if you want to find African food you'll have to go to other parts of the city since only white people can own property here."

"Okay. Okay. You make very good lead in for my question. First, what is the political group you come from?" asked Kurt.

"I'm part of the National Party," he replied.

"Okay. So, why do you hate black people?"

"I wouldn't say that I hate black people. I just think it is better if each ethnicity stays with its own people. We all mutually benefit from the separation."

"Oh, wow. In Baltic Republic we do the same to Russians. We think it better for everyone if Russians stay away from us. Except we actually do hate Russians. Hahaha!" Kurt chuckled. "I just kid. I am comedian."

"Funny man," said Frank, awkwardly nodding his head.

"So this your flag?" asked Kurt, pointing to a South African flag hanging above their heads. Frank nodded. "It is... how you say..." Kurt turned to the camera man and asked in Lithuanian, "šūdas?... Oh yea. It is a shit," he explained to the stone-faced South African. "I mean you have cram three other flag in the middle of it. It is four flag in one. This isn't discount deal. Buy one flag with three extra flag cram in your ass."

---

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a friendly reminder from President Waldemar Sernas." The show was interrupted by an intermission period. A video recording of President Sernas played.

"Hello, citizens of the Baltic Republic. I would like to remind you to report any crimes you witness to the police. These crimes are not only limited to actions. If you suspect anyone may be opposed to the government make sure to fulfill your responsibilities as a loyal citizen. And remember, anyone can be criminal. Your neighbors, friends, even your parents. As always, homeland comes first. Have a good afternoon," said the president with a smile.

---

"I saw the nice parts of city," narrated Kurt. "But I want to see how other people are living, so I have gone to Soweto, all the way in Johannesburg. There was a major contrast between Soweto and the previous location. Almost no European people were to be found. A street performer hit his Zulu drum while a colorfully dressed woman danced around. Young children approached me to sell knick-knacks. In the poorest area of Soweto, there were closely packed shacks with no electricity or running water. Much of the South African population lived in such poverty. The overwhelming majority of the people living in such conditions were black, coloured, or Indian. Newly enacted laws removed non-whites from their homes to make space for whites, leaving the rest to settle in ghettos."

"The conditions of these slums are almost as bad as the Russian districts back home. Hahaha. I'm just kidding. The ghettos back home are shittier." Kurt approached a group of people dancing, clapping, and singing. Kurt joined the dancing, trying to follow along with their movements. The people laughed in a friendly way and continued to dance and sing. "These people are much more fun than our friend Frank back in Cape Town. Haha."

"After dancing with the locals, I ordered some Braai from a barbecue. Braais originated in the townships of Johannesburg, with butchers who set up barbecues in front of their shops at weekends to grill their meat and sell it on the street. Nowadays, local communities gather at braais at the weekends to share food."

"South Africa was a fun place to explore," Kurt said while seated on a black only bench. "But in my unbiased opinion, the Baltic Republic is a much better country. Although we have Russian communists who attempt to undermine our great nation, at least we deal with them by sending them off to the north. Not by putting up silly signs and building special benches. Our flag is also much better. And honestly that pudding tasted like my great grandmother's viduriavimas. Thankyou for tuning in, and make sure to watch next week's episode. Good bye!"

[Terranihil]

Episode 2: Yurizlansia

"Yurizlansia, located in Eastern Europe, is one of the most religious places on Earth. The majority of citizens follow the Yurizlansian Orthodox Church and believe that their king was chosen by God. Despite religious freedom laws that allow a large Jewish community to thrive, Yurizlansian society is strict, and religion is considered a major part of everyday life. I have come here to learn more about the religion and culture of these Slavs. Hopefully, you and I will gain insight on what causes the general inferiority of Slavic countries," narrated Kurt Zander over images of gigantic cathedrals and Jews.


The show's theme song and opening titles play showing several scenes of Kurt harassing locals from different countries and disrespecting national monuments.

"Right now I am in one of the many churches in Kiev," whispered Kurt. "We are attending a Yurizlansian Orthodox church service. It involves much chanting and many rituals, as you can see." Kurt moved out from the shot to reveal several rows of people standing and chanting in Yuizlansian as a priest swung a censer releasing incense into the air. The worshipers tried to ignore Kurt's whispers and the camera crew behind them, but several people glanced back angrily. Kurt began dancing in rhythm to the chants, almost tipping over a candle stand in the process. The priest mixed bread with wine into the Eucharist and took the first sip. Young men carrying candles stood in two rows as the worshipers lined up to drink from the Eucharist and proceeded to kiss the hand of the priest afterward. "You know, for a country that despises homosexuality, their is an awful amount of same-sex kissing going on."

In a separate area of the church, Kurt stood next to a font filled with water. "This is where they perform baptisms. I have never been baptized, so I think I'll give it a try." Kurt gripped the sides of the font used to baptize newborns and dipped his head in and out of the water three times. When he came up from the last dunk, he gurgled some water in his mouth and spat it back into the font. Then he cupped some water in his hands and used it to clean out his nose. "Normally, they dunk babies in this and then cover them with olive oil..." A priest who was followed by several people carrying infants began yelling at Kurt for being thoroughly soaked in Baptismal water. "Okay. Okay. Back up," Kurt said to the camera crew. After the crew had backed away, the priest chanted a few things, took the first baby from her mother, and dunked her head-first into the water.

---

The show was interrupted by a commercial.

"Do you sit in your parents home doing nothing all day? Are your skills not being utilized in the best way possible? Do you want a change in scenery, attitude, and lifestyle? If so, join the Baltic Republic's elite military. The Army, Navy, or Air Force will surely be a right fit for you. You'll receive the best combat training in the world, and you'll have the opportunity to apply for a position in the Special Squadron. Visit a recruitment center near you today!" The commercial showed several images of soldiers from all three branches proudly serving their country.

---

"Now that you have got a general idea of the Yurizlansian church, I think it's time to explore the cuisine! I have arranged a meeting with a priest at a restaurant. He will be telling us more about this country." Kurt sat down at a table with an old, bearded man wearing the traditional black robes of the Orthodox church and a large cross necklace. "Hello, father. What is main ethnicity of Yurizlansia?" asked Kurt in English.

"Ehh, what," replied the frail man.

"Ethnicity? Race?"

"Oh, ehh, Ruthenian." There was an obvious language barrier between the two.

"Hmm, Ruthenian. Ruthenian is Slavic, right?"

"Yes. Slav," replied the priest with a heavy accent.

"You know, Russian is Slav too."

"No. No. No Russian," he said adamantly.

"Well, you are Slav, and Russian are Slav, so it is like you are cousin with Russian."

"No. No cousin. No Russia. Te ne Rozumiyesh? Some zing wrung in head?"

"Okay. You will not admit it. It's okay. Here comes the food anyway," Kurt said as the waitress brought them both a dish. "What is this called?" he asked the priest while pointing at the red soup.

"Ehh, Borscht. It—uhh—beet." Borscht is a beetroot soup made with beef and pork stock, white cabbage, carrots, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, beans, and of course, beetroot. The Eastern European dish was a perfect combination of sweet and sour.

"Oh, beets. So I take it you don't like Russia?"

"No. Russia hold Yurizlansia," he explained using hand gestures to get his point across. "Then we fight. Now we strong. God with Yurizlansia, no Russia."

"Oh yes, very good. We agree on one thing, And it's that Russians are bad. Hahaha!" They both laughed. "I have one last question for you, father. Where is the best brothel in all of Yurizlansia?"

"Ehh, wha, broth?" asked the puzzled man.

"Brothel. It where you go to have fun with many women."

"Women?"

"Yes, women. Only women. No man."

"Oh, yes, yes." The old priest appeared to understand Kurt's question. "Come, come," he urged.

The priest led them through the streets of Kiev. The city had incredible architecture surviving centuries of occupation and war. They passed the Kiev Opera House and spotted the St. Volodymyr monument. The busy streets were filled with Ruthenians and the occasional Jew. Kurt stopped to pose next to a statue of the Yurizlansian king. His wild poses and behavior around the king's statue prompted several dirty looks from citizens. A few people played Cossack folk songs and danced to the music in traditional clothing. A few boys played street soccer using makeshift goalposts. Kurt managed to buy some vodka along the way and offered some to the priest who refused. They reached the Kiev Pechersk Lavra, also known as the Kiev Monastery of the Caves. It was a white, green, and gold building built in the 11th century. Kurt thought that they would pass by the huge monastery, but the priest walked through the gates and onto the courtyard.

"Uh, father. Are you sure this is the right way to the brothel?" asked Kurt.

"Yes. Yes. Come." He led them into a building in the monastery. Every centimeter of the walls and ceiling was covered with elaborate and detailed paintings depicting scenes from the bible. Hooded windows and a chandelier illuminated the room. Nuns roamed around the place busy with work while others prayed. The priest called out to the nuns who approached Kurt. "See. Only women," said the priest, pointing at the nuns. The nuns weren't sure what was happening.

"But father are you sure? It doesn't feel right. They're nuns." said Kurt.

"Yes. Yes. Nun," said the priest, obviously not understanding what Kurt meant.

"Well, if you insist." Kurt took off his shirt and began to remove his pants, but the nuns turned away.

"No! No! Put on!" yelled the angry priest at Kurt.

"But...but you told me to," he said as he put his clothes back on.

The priest said a few things in Yurizlansian and motioned at Kurt and the crew to leave.

---

"Well this has definitely been a place to remember," Kurt said as he walked out of the monastery, passing by confused residents. "Although they hate Russians, I can honestly say that I hope to never step foot in Yurizlansia again. Their strict culture and religiousness is not welcoming to foreigners. And not to mention their strange custom of selling their nuns into prostitution. And the worst part is they are Slavs. Thank you for watching, I am Kurt Zander, and tune in next time to rediscover the world!"

[The Baltic Republic]

Episode 3: Etena

"In the South Caucuses of Eurasia lies the small, landlocked nation-state of Etena, which is home to 2.4 million Etenans. The tried and tested people have progressed far since the Etenan Genocide by the Ottoman Empire. In fact they've progressed so far that they also realize the faults of shithole Russia which borders them to the north. Besides unique cuisine and friendly people, Yerevan, the capital, also has a large red light district. I am eager to discover what this country has to offer."

The show's theme song and opening titles play showing several scenes of Kurt harassing locals from different countries and disrespecting national monuments.

"Hello and welcome to Etena! I am in Unity Square, the busy center of Yerevan. Here stands a statue of the legendary King Yetinian, a past king who is revered by the populace as one of the most influential people in Etenan history." Tourists and Etenans alike all stood in marvel at the five meter tall statue of the king on a riding into battle on a horse.

"Although this king was a great man, he does not match the greatness of Baltic leaders such as Waldemar Sernas. Balts will always be above others, even in foreign lands. I will show you." Kurt began climbing the statue. The people around gasped as he made his way up to Yetinian's head. Kurt was standing on the horse's back with one hand wrapped around the king's head.

"As you can see I am a higher man than this Etenan," he shouted from above. "And I will show you what I think of anything that stands to test the superiority of our homeland." With his free hand, he unzipped his pants while onlookers yelled at him and beckoned for the police. Kurt laughed as a yellow stream sprinkled down from the top of the statue. His aim was relentless and didn't discriminate between man, woman, and even child. Several police officers ran to the scene and began shouting. They tried to dodge Kurt's line of fire, and one officer climbed up from below Kurt who was now repeatedly screaming "Ubermensch", and swung his baton. But the young officer's attempts were interrupted by a mouthful of excretory fluid, sending him to the ground in a spitting and gagging fit. Another officer managed to hit Kurt's leg with a baton. Kurt shrieked as he fell down to the floor, and his yelling continued as the police swung their batons down on the crying man.

---

[i]The show was interrupted by a government announcement.

"Hello. I'm Waldemar Sernas, your president, and I have an important message for you," said Sernas with his index finger pointed forward. "Our heritage, our culture, and our people are great. Whether you're Lithuanian, Latvian, Estonian, or even Baltic German, we are all balts. So make sure to celebrate yourselves. Fly our flag, go to events, stay informed about the news, and be proud of who you are. Thank you."

---

"This country's police are dicks!" said Kurt from inside a jail cell. His face and body were covered in bruises. "But don't worry. Our friend over their will help me." He pointed to an Etenan man speaking with a police officer. The man pulled out a folded up stack of cash and handed it to the officer. "These dogs can be bribed just like any other police," said Kurt. The officer unlocked the cell and released him.

"Thank you very much my friend," Kurt said to the man who had bailed him out.

"You are very much an idiot. And I want to be paid back." the older man replied.

"Yes, yes, I know I took my patriotism a little too far." Kurt ignored the man's request as he limped out of the police station.

---

Kurt and the man were seated out doors at a restaurant.

"So what is your profession, Dr. Tumasyan?"

"I am a professor of history at the University of Yerevan."

"A define part of Etena culture is this 'genocide', right?" Kurt air quoted the word "genocide" with both hands.

"Why you do this?" The annoyed professor referred to Kurt's air quotes.

"Well, you know, there is some... speculation that maybe this 'genocide'..." Kurt air quoted again. "...maybe it was not genocide."

"There is no speculation." Tumasyan assured. "Only the radical Anatolian nationalists speculate. Anatolia itself has admit to its crimes."

"Ah, yea, I know. I just ask because in United Baltic Republic maybe we start Russian Genocide," Kurt explained. Tumasyan just looked stunned.

Kurt leaned in closer to the professor. "You hate Russian, right? So no problem with genocism for Russian, right?"

"Of course there is problem! They are people humans too. And its absolutely rep-"

"AHAHAHAHA!" interrupted Kurt. "HAHA. Yes, Yes, repretestible. I know. I just make test for you to see if you are have racism. Of course Russian is human. Russian is so human we put them in special community all by themselves with 24/7 guarding."

"You know the treatment of Russians in your cou-"

"Ohh, look. The food has arrived."

A waiter brought them each a plate and Lavash, Etenan bread.

"Can you explain this dish to me?" Kurt asked Tumasyan.

"This is Harissa. It is porridge with lamb and a side of salad. This bread is freshly made Lavash."

"So I hear Yerevan has good red light district," said Kurt through a mouthful of bread.

"Well, that's what I've heard as well." Tumasyan replied.

"Well it cannot be that great. The women are Etenan for god sake." Kurt chuckled.

"I don't know much. I am married man."

"I am too. Well, that's where we are headed to now."

---

On their way to the red light district, they passed by the Yerevan Opera Theater. The renowned gray theater attracted a large crowd that night because Anoush, the most famous Etenan play, was being performed. The crowd was filled with women wearing colorful head wraps, and with men in wood and stone clogs. Churches and cathedrals were seen in every glance, as well as a few mosques and synagogues. Then they finally arrived at the Yerevan red light district, the largest in all of Eurasia. The district consisted of a network of alleys containing one-room cabins rented by prostitutes who offered their services from behind a glass door.

"Usually when I come to places like this- which is alot -I use pickup lines to try to get cheaper price, you know," explained Kurt. "But I don't want cheaper price with Etenan women. I want nothing to do with them. But for the sake of the viewers I will put my dignity aside and enter. However, I will be using reverse pickup lines, because I would honestly rather go back to Yurizlansia and do the nuns than touch any women here." Kurt walked through the street filled with men who were window shopping and tried to approach a few women, but many turned away at the sight of the cameras. Unbeknownst to him, filming of any sort was illegal in the district. However, Kurt finally found a willing participant. He waved a couple thousand Dram, Etenan currency, in front of the window. The woman behind opened the door and beckoned Kurt in.

"One second please, ma'am. I have something to say for you," he said.

"Okay," said the woman.

"When I first come to this country, I think 'wow, Etena is beautiful place'. But now that I have seen you I think 'wow, they should change it name from Etena to Etenot'. Haha." The woman didn't seem to understand Kurt's joke. She beckoned him in again, but he waved her off and walked away. "It seem that intelligence is not a strong suit of her's. But it isn't a strong suit of any woman, so I can't blame her too much."

Kurt found another willing participant. "Hello, what is your name?" Kurt asked her.

"Jenna."

"Oh, beautiful name," Kurt said with a mischievous smile. "You know you are so not pretty, that you kill one million man with your face. They call this the Etenan Jenna-cide. Hahaha."

"Agarki cnunt," she replied in Etenan. Then she glanced behind Kurt and yelled "ostikanowt'yown!", and pointed at Kurt. He turned around only to receive a hard blow to the back with a baton by a police officer. Another officer tried to grab the cameras.

"Ahh! Drātēšanās! Ahh! Th-Thank you for watching. Ah!" Kurt yelled as he tried to pull away from the baton-happy officer. "As always, Baltic Republic is great country. Ah! Greater than Russia and Etenot and their police and women and genocide. Ah! Goodbye!"