Ralkovia to nuke moon into image of the Emperor

[Ralkovian Grand Island]

As of December 3rd 2015, the government of Ralkovia has declared that all residents of the moon and any current scientific expeditions by foreign nations should temporarily relocate to the dark side of the moon, after the Emperor has passed the "Birthday Boy Act" commemorating his existence as Leader of the Ralkovian Empire on the southern part of the moon. An image of him will be blasted with close to six thousand nuclear bombs so as to make the portrait of the Emperor visible from Earth.

People in the Ralkovian Empire are very excited at this prospect and several dozen rallies have occurred in support. Interviews conducted have shown project approval hovers at around 98%, with 2% objecting on the premise that the moon is not grand enough and that non-Ralkovians will be able to bask in the Emperor's love as well.

Activity on this project will begin December 14th.

[Hillary Clinton 2016-2024]

Ok...

[Ralkovian Grand Island]

Also, the Emperor has promised anyone who tries to stop us will be invaded and their country also turned into the Emperor's face. Additionally, he calls the rest of the World "pansy fuckheads."

[Yohannes]

Out of character: this message has been sent to your ambassador in my nation

Kia Ora! Te āheitanga katoa, Takawaenga e whakahonoretia ana,

Well, well, if it's not news coming from the Imperial Ralkovian foreign delegations, yet once again. I understand the importance of distracting one's electorate from what's important for one regime's stability. After all, what they say is true: electoral anger equals one's regime toppling. As a somewhat disinterested - and mostly neutral - observer of international affairs, these days, His Majesty's Government shall voice its condemnation to the Ralkovian Grand Emperor for the decision of his government to destroy the moon - one of many other identical moons existing within our vast, shared multiverses.

But that's about it, naturally. Yes, as we are very well acquainted with your successive governments by now. And I am sure you would be too, regarding anything relating to us. You see, if it won't affect our commerce and trade, we just don't give a fuck!

And in all honesty, last time I recall, the Grand Ralkovian Emperor's decision to invest in the Bank of Yohannes, and his many decisions to invest in our arms manufacturing industry, years back, has resulted in various positive consequential effects, and benefits, for our domestic workers and businesses.

Now, destroy the moon. Just keep on funneling your ill-gotten fund to our banks, and do not cancel your old military contract, and we will be all good. Sweet as mate, as the saying goes here in the nineteen countries.

[Utopia Corporation]

From the PR Department of the Utopia Corporation:

To Whom It May Concern,

The Moon certainly isn't grand enough. Nuke Jupiter. Trust us, it'll work and be so much better.

Wishing you all the best of luck,

Utopia Corporation
1 More Lane, 54th Floor, Suite 6
Utopia Central Territory

[Topkekkia]

The Government of Topkekkia fails to see an issue with this. That many nukes would barely make a crater that would be visible from Earth.

[Etoile Arcture]

OOC: Priceless.

General Secretariat
Lake Concordia, New Corinth
6 Dec, 2015

Excellency,

I have the honour to write to Your Majesty to congratulate you on the joyous news of the disarmament of six thousand nuclear weapons from your nations arsenal on the occasion of Your Majesty's birthday.

I must confess to being pleasantly surprised on learning of Your Majesty's government new-found conversion to the cause of unilateral disarmament. As I am certain Your Majesty is fully aware, the most effective means of disposing of nuclear weapons is to transmute the long-lived radioisotopes inside each device into short-lived or non-radioactive radioisotopes using neutrons produced in a fission chain reaction. Such a method of disposable is clearly unsafe and unwanted on Earth due to the highly detrimental effect on the environment of the high energy physics involved, so we therefore applaud Your Majesty for choosing the Moon as the site for the disposal of these six thousand nuclear devices.

I further express my surprise at the use of these devices to reshape a small section of Lunar geography into a likeness of Your Majesty as, much like the oft repeated claim that the Great Wall of China is visible from space, my scientific advisor's have assured me that even after exploding gigatons of nuclear explosives the result will only be visible from Earth using a telescope. It therefore seems a small and entirely welcome price to pay in the cause of nuclear disarmament, and would suggest similar projects be attempted on other planets, such as Venus and Mercury, when the question of disposing of the remainder of the Ralkovian nuclear arsenal is raised.

I am certain that I speak for all my citizens and electors that we applaud and salute Your Majesty for this audacious move towards peace through unilateral nuclear disarmament. I only regret that presently the Unitary Technocracy is unable undertake a project of similar scope and intention itself. I must regretfully report that the Unitary Technocracy has little choice than to retain and continue to expand its own arsenal of nuclear weapons no matter how abhorrent their possession is to us. If only we could follow Your Majesty's inspirational leadership in the realm of nuclear disarmament. If only.

Heeding Your Majesty's government timely and ample warnings I am pleased to report that the Unitary Technocracy has completed the total and complete evacuation of all our manned activities on the surface and in orbit of the Moon, save for a few unmanned satellites and monitoring stations that may exist within the blast zones designated and will monitor the events on the 14th of December for as long as they function.

I desire at this time to send you my best wishes for Your Majesty's continued good health and for the welfare of your people.

Please accept, Your Majesty, the renewed assurance of my highest consideration

Her Excellency Dr. Soledad Martin
Secretary-General of the General Secretariat
The Unitary Technocracy of Etoile Arcture

His Majesty Emperor Joshua Raskov II
The Grand Empire of Ralkovia

[Syadei]

A message from the Almighty Alduin, ruler of Syadei.
To: Emperor Joshua vi Raskov II of The Grand Empire of Ralkovia.
Level of Encryption: LOW

Emperor,

It is a great pleasure to be able to wish you a happy birthday, and we are sure that many others are just as happy to see that you have decided to dispose of six thousand nuclear weapons in such a manor that is not fatal to any inhabitants of our great planet of which we share with you.

It is always great to see a nation disarming themselves, in such a way that will not be damaging to our earth. We are pleased that you gave a warning prior to re-styling the moon, and look forward to seeing the work of art that you will have created on the moon. After the successful evacuation of anyone that identifies as of Syadec nationality from the moon, we can announce our complete endorsement of your acts, knowing that there are six thousand less nuclear weapons on this earth, and your nation will be six thousand nuclear warheads less powerful than we are.

You should note that this may be a very expensive work of art that your nation is about to create, but it will be no-where near as aesthetically pleasing as the ages old pieces of art that exist in museums worldwide. It is also possible that your face carved onto the moon will be horrifically disfigured as you will have no control over the explosions; not a problem that you would face should you simply hire an artist to create a portrait of you.

Should your face become horrifically disfigured is such a way, I am sure that you will smile every time the moon rises, knowing that you are bringing a smile to an astronomers face too, when they look up at the moon in order to see your face.

May you sleep well at night, knowing that you have done the right thing, and have my complete backing.

I remain,
The Almighty Alduin, ruler of The OP Nation of Syadei.

[The Lone Alliance]

OOC: Good enough excuse to come out of retirement.

Official response from The Allied States of The Lone Alliance Ministry of Dealing with Stupid\Evil Nations:
What? Seriously the moon?
While we understand the need to celebrate the occasion of your Emperor's birth but would imagine that attempting to care the moon would be most uneconomical, and would prefer something along the lines of altering an asteroid field to spell your leaders name...
Actually fine, but the Emperor better have a huge mustache.

[The Hairy Men of God]

From:Ba'al Abramelin Emeth V-Emeth
To:Emperor Joshua vi Raskov II

"I love the idea of placing your face upon the moon, I love it so much that as a birthday present to you I will transport free of charge a small amount of our nukes to you for this purpose.

I'll be sending 10,000 four hundred megaton nuclear weapons to you for this purpose. This is an extremely small amount from our stockpile. Best Wishes, may you live As long as you desire. - Ba'al Abramelin Emeth V-Emeth.

[Communist and Socialist Unions]

From: Emperor Lucas II

DAFAQ? YUO BE NUKEM THE MUN?!?!? NOPE! WE WILL BLOW DAS MOON UP AND DISMANTLE YUO NUKEM USEAGE OF BORG CUBEMS! PREPAR YUO ANEWS! AAYY LMAAAAOOOO!

[Herodas]

To: HIH Emperor Joshua vi Raskov II.
From: Georgios Demertzis, Minister of Foreign Affairs and Vice-Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Herodas.

Your Highness,
please allow me to congratulate you for your birthday. With this letter, a small gift of Herodas will reach you, a small gift basket with a few good things to eat from Herodas.

Now, on to unpleasant business.
Your government's announcement to blast your face into the moon as a birthday present got us to shake our heads in shear amazement, what unimportant things seem to be a matter of state in Ralkovia. Nevertheless, the usage of atomic weapons on the moon for artistic purposes is certainly something new (and that comes from a foreign minister of a country, which participated in a war about a stolen cat).
We wish you much luck with the project, but we ask you to not threaten anyone with nuclear extermination, just because they do not agree with this artistic project. If you do this, then you will very soon find yourself at the receiving end of the same medicine. Until then, we are a-okay with the whole idea.
Disarmament is an important issue nowadays.

Also, several Herodan TV stations request the permission to broadcast the event with live footage both from the missile launch sites and the moon, just because, I quote, "That is going to be one hell of a firework."

Signed,
Georgios Demertzis
Minister of Foreign Affairs and Vice-Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Herodas

[Libraria and Ausitoria]

Alexandria, Libraria and Ausitoria, the Decis Confederacy
December 4th, several days ago

The Deputy President, the Turqoise Prince Kazpia, rubbed his nose thoughtfully as he lifted his pen from the piece of paper and tapped on his tablet. It would never do to get out of practice at this sort of thing.

6000 nuclear warheads, say a few hundred kilotons each, each creating a feature with a visible area say 1 km across; creating a profile say 800 km by that high; whereas the angular resolution of the human eye was … say one arc-minute; so any profile should be say one degree to be recognizeable, i.e. about 0.018 milliradians; about 400,000 km to the moon; therefore 7200 km by that for anything to be visible…

A back of the envelope calculation indeed. Although the statisticians would be back with a more accurate answer, probably in minutes, it was clear Ralkovia would be using much larger warheads or combinations. Excellent, it would be a devil to track smaller rockets. Who in their right minds would go to all the trouble of trying to make something visible on the moon? Probably it was an excuse to destroy moon bases and cause a cave-in at the mining facilities, perhaps including Ausitoria’s – although Ralkovia was fortunately a long way away, and therefore mostly legendary. But they might have heard of the spaceships under construction at HIMS Lunar...

So, to multiply the effect, perhaps ten times the power; indeed to print out a line at least one arc-minute across, the eye-resolution limit, would need rather more in the other direction: even 0.0003 milliradians at 400,000 km still came to … 120 km; i.e. one-hundred times.

“One would need a rather large rocket to carry a warhead 15 m high and a few in diameter and a few tons in weight all the way to the moon…” he declared thoughtfully to the room.

It was a dark room, except for the bay windows; it was empty, except for him, sombre paintings, and gilded furnishings; and he leaned back in his armchair chair, throwing his legs up and crossing them, clasping his hands together over pursed lips, his brow furrowed in thought. A habit of the wise, talking to themselves. But anyway, even 6000 moon rockets was perfectly possible for a nation like Ralkovia… and even easier if they were placing nuclear weapons beforehand…

Suddenly, with alacrity, he reached out and jabbed a button the tablet. “Could you get me the Star Chamber, please?” he asked the AI. A smiley face responded.

They had work to do: even though intercepting rockets was somewhat easier in space - if you had modern lasers - the sphereforces were already stretched, and mostly focused on conventional hypersonic interception. Interception all the way to the moon was rather different: this had to be the top priority if they were to intercept a large proportion, and patrol the moon’s surface for any unusual activity. It would be necessary to redesignate the next few launches entirely to carrying rocket fuel. The L2 squadron would need to be reinforced and a squadron assembled at the moonbase. Thank god for the blossoming number of rockets available...

And it would, of course, be best if done with utmost secrecy, for which lasers were very useful, and there was quite enough conventional space activity to hide in. Of course, if the missiles were targeting Commonwealth bases then the laser defences there would have to be used to have any chance of complete defence... but the accidental chance of that was surely very remote: the moon was large, and even Ralkovia couldn’t make much of a dent in it.

He smiled to himself as the Star Chamber came online...

There was nothing quite as fun as tripping up a slaver-nation who couldn't see you.

[Victores]

Victoresian Executive HQ, NOVA VICTORIA
~~Government Seal~~ EncryptionMax
From: Executive Palace
To: Ralkovia
WHY WOULD YOU NUKE THE MOON, HAVE YOU NOT THOUGHT OF THE POTENTIAL IMPACTS OF THIS, AS WELL AS THE FACT IT WONT WORK. Now that I’ve calmed down a little, if you had gone to a basic education in earth and space science, or if you know anything about astronomy you will know you little portrait will be effaced from the moon by meteor crates in a mater of months, to create a lasting impression it will have to be deep as the oceanic crust, this will damage the mantle of the moon. I also point your notice to operation Bolt of Jupiter. The Victores tested nuclear weapons on the moon in the late 1990’s. The radiation was launched from the moon into the Van Allen belt, the hundreds of tons of moon rock and dust laughed at earth smashed into the ground like thousands of tactical nukes. That was with 19 missiles. How think about the consequences for a moment

[Ralkovian Grand Island]

Out of character: this message has been sent to your ambassador in my nation

(Image)

Kia Ora! Te āheitanga katoa, Takawaenga e whakahonoretia ana,

Well, well, if it's not news coming from the Imperial Ralkovian foreign delegations, yet once again. I understand the importance of distracting one's electorate from what's important for one regime's stability. After all, what they say is true: electoral anger equals one's regime toppling. As a somewhat disinterested - and mostly neutral - observer of international affairs, these days, His Majesty's Government shall voice its condemnation to the Ralkovian Grand Emperor for the decision of his government to destroy the moon - one of many other identical moons existing within our vast, shared multiverses.

But that's about it, naturally. Yes, as we are very well acquainted with your successive governments by now. And I am sure you would be too, regarding anything relating to us. You see, if it won't affect our commerce and trade, we just don't give a fuck!

And in all honesty, last time I recall, the Grand Ralkovian Emperor's decision to invest in the Bank of Yohannes, and his many decisions to invest in our arms manufacturing industry, years back, has resulted in various positive consequential effects, and benefits, for our domestic workers and businesses.

Now, destroy the moon. Just keep on funneling your ill-gotten fund to our banks, and do not cancel your old military contract, and we will be all good. Sweet as mate, as the saying goes here in the nineteen countries.

To Our Friends in Yohannes:

We have had no successive governments. The Emperor rules supreme. We thank you for your support and will continue to do top-kek business with Yohannesian industries.

With much love and a little kiss,

Emperor Raskov II, Lord and Leader of the Ralkovian Empire.

[Ralkovian Grand Island]

From:Ba'al Abramelin Emeth V-Emeth
To:Emperor Joshua vi Raskov II

"I love the idea of placing your face upon the moon, I love it so much that as a birthday present to you I will transport free of charge a small amount of our nukes to you for this purpose.

I'll be sending 10,000 four hundred megaton nuclear weapons to you for this purpose. This is an extremely small amount from our stockpile. Best Wishes, may you live As long as you desire. - Ba'al Abramelin Emeth V-Emeth.

To: Ba'al Abramelin Emeth V-Emeth

We thank you for your support. I, Emperor of Ralkovia, thank you for your progressive beliefs that all birthday wishes can come true. Your nation is a bastion of everything right in this World. In honor of your support, we are sending you a tactical gift basket, equipped with the best wine, cheese, fruit, and overly expensive(but still weird tasting) chocolates that money can buy. We know you could very well do this yourself, but we want to let you know we scoured the World for the hardest names to pronounce so that you will be impressed with how fancy it is. Also, we are extending several invitations to the Ralkovian Imperial Palace to watch the Moon viewing party.

With love,

Emperor Joshua Raskov II

[Ralkovian Grand Island]

Ralkovia has temporarily postponed the project until January 1st as to ready all the nuclear armaments in time. While many may be upset with the delay, the Ralkovian Empire apologizes and promises that this project is being taken very seriously.

[Old Tyrannia]

The Grand Fascist Empire of Old Tyrannia

TO: His Imperial Majesty Joshua vi Raskov II, Emperor of Ralkovia
FROM: Imperial Department of Foreign Affairs
RE: The Moon

Friend,

We, Gaius Romulus IV, Emperor of Old Tyrannia, King of Southwestern Kinitaria, Vicegerent of God on Earth and so forth, wish to commend the ingenuity and ambition of our royal cousin's birthday project. However, we feel it is our duty to draw attention to a minor flaw in our cousin's plan which may prove a significant inhibition to the completion of the project. Earth does not, in fact, have a moon anymore, our planet's only natural satellite having been destroyed six years ago by the Parthenese Confederation. We deeply apologise for serving as bearers of unfortunate tidings, and suggest that our cousin instead pursues a slightly more modest memorial for himself, such as carving his likeness into a mountain or creating a statue of solid gold. We remain, as ever, faithful and steadfast friends of the Ralkovian Emperor and People.

Signed and approved,

His Imperial Majesty Gaius Romulus IV, in Christ the God faithful Emperor and Autocrat of Old Tyrannia and its assorted dominions and territories.

Vitaeus Veturius Cicurinus Asinianus CP, Head of His Imperial Majesty's Government

[Xentherida]

While Xentherida does not have an official stance on this issue, rumours are circulating that a thick moustache may be added to the Emperor's moon portrait through space nukes; these however, have not yet been confirmed.

[Ralkovian Grand Island]

From the PR Department of the Utopia Corporation:

To Whom It May Concern,

The Moon certainly isn't grand enough. Nuke Jupiter. Trust us, it'll work and be so much better.

Wishing you all the best of luck,

Utopia Corporation
1 More Lane, 54th Floor, Suite 6
Utopia Central Territory

While we would definitely attempt to make as big of an image as possible, the moon remains the best place for an image visible to Earth to be seen. His Majesty wants the people of Ralkovia to know that he is always looking out for them.

Empire of Ralkovia
1 Less Ralkovia, 45th floor, Suite 9
Ralkovian Opposite Unaligned Land

[Bashriyya]

---

To: Empire of Ralkovia
From Bashriyyan Arab Republic

---

We demand you stop these crimes, as our supreme leader has declare it is he who purchased the moon for decent property value, so we Bashriyyans owned the moon first, if you do not stop your attempts to nuke the moon, we will send troops to the moon and place S-300 air-defense systems to shoot down your missiles.

[The Hambonian Islands]

just nuke Uranus.

get it? because...

ill go now.....

[Third Order]

Just nuke Pluto no one will care since its not a planet no more.

[Whiteshore]

The government of Whiteshore is disgusted at Ralkovia's latest act of insanity and one Whiteshorian political leader has called on the entire planet to band together against Ralkovia.

[Topkekkia]

Just nuke Pluto no one will care since its not a planet no more.

It doesn't matter. The amount of nukes needed for a crater is insane anyway.