Vaudlan’s Coin and the Holy Crusade (Closed, Invite Only)

[Unibot]

Okay so the randomized Perl Script demands....

Alliance One

Forikorder
Plateger 
the Purple Woogies

____________________

Alliance Two 

Stratigenia
Unibot
Sahms Club 

Alliance Two will have the first post, as they have the larger combined population (7126000000) as opposed to Alliance's One's (6966000000).

Shall we go by the order that was randomly decided on the roll? Meaning Strat has the first post, than Forikorder?
Or shall I go first (because I know what I'm doing), and then someone else from Team One.

[The purple woogies]

i think Stratigenia should make the first post and when it comes to your turn you can show us your all-powerful roleplay skills.

[Unibot]

OOC: From now on, remember to specify when you are talking Out-of-Character (player to player) with the whole "OOC:" before your statement.

IC is considered the default, so you don't have to specify it being In-Character, unless you had half your post In-Character and half of your post Out-of-Character , or you just think it will be confusing for the reader without the "IC:" indicator.

[Unibot]

i think Stratigenia should make the first post and when it comes to your turn you can show us your all-powerful roleplay skills.

OOC: Okay, thats what will do. But I must warn you, Doney isn't home yet, so it could be a day before this thing really gets moving then.

[Stratigenia]

OOC: So, how do we do this?

[Stratigenia]

OOC: Where's the prologue?

[Unibot]

OOC: Prologue is still here > http://unibot.webs.com/Prologue.html

Again, Would you like me to go first? It's your choice.

[The purple woogies]

OOC: this should really be discussed on our RMB so we don't waste 3 pages of thread just getting the roleplay started.

[Stratigenia]

Yah, Unibot, you go first.

[Unibot]

PART ONE

In the Kingdom of Unibotivania,

King “Ey Chegwidden” Julian the IV got up off his knees, he had been sitting in front of his royal chapel’s alter, praying to Violet. He was a disturbed young man, his father, King Julian the III (“Ol’ Chegwidden”) was known to the people as Violet’s incarnate son on earth – so when the ‘Holy Son’ got wildly drunk and fucked (fornication.under.the.consent.of.the.king) a Scandinavian princess, his son was the evidence of a tarnished god. The kingdom’s faith in him was shattered even before he became king, as he was a mere moral, and clearly showed his ‘great father’ was a fraud by even existing.

Having grown up with everyone showing very little sympathy towards him, he was now a young man with a chip on his shoulder, and a Kingdom to run.

The Kingdom of Unibotivania, was a sprawling array of stone and mortar, the people were poor but strong believers in the church. Julian thought it was hogwash to be perfectly honest; the church just seemed to be a way for people of non-royal blood to control the kingdom.

His daily mass was over, thank the heavens, he thought. Julian turned around and proceeded to walk out of his Chapel - that was before he was interrupted by Archbishop Loupe de Gualle, the Spiritual Advisor to the Throne.

The Archbishop was a slimy old man, in total weighing about sixty pounds, a mere skeleton with a sharp, cunning and indefinitely sinister mind. He spoke first, and much to the King’s displease, he was a spitter.

“Why, King Julian, I…I had a premonition last night. The angels, thou spoke to thee!”

Julian rolled his eyes, “and these angels, what did thou speak to thy?”

He gripped on to the King’s shirt for dramatic effect, “thou said, thy King was going to die!”

Julian held back his laughter, “hhhm, wonderful.”

The Archbishop knew he was loosing his attention, so he stepped it up a bit, “AND THEN THOU SHOWED ME! IN AN INSTANT MY BED OF FEATHERS WAS FILLED WITH YOUR ORGANS AND VILE GUSHING AND FLUXING UNDER THEE!”

With the shouting that echoed through the corridors of the castle the Archbishop’s cronies, and his churchgoers crowded into the room to watch the scene.

The king demanded “Let go of thee!”

Julian looked around at the faces of the crowd; they trusted the Archbishop more than they did him. To keep the zealously theological crowd from getting too rowdy, he’d probably have to give in and play his Spiritual Advisor’s ‘little game’.

The King paused, and causally asked, “Did thou say, how I will die?”

The Spiritual Advisor almost smiled, “…thou said that the Plague will be attacking YOU next!”

The crowd murmured loudly, and Julian’s eyes opened wide.

The Bubonic Plague had been attacking people left and right in Unibotivania for several months, It had been by his own royal decree that all those thought to have contracted the plague be sent to the dungeons, for quarantine. This indeed was a dangerous political game that the Spiritual Advisor was playing with the King.

[The purple woogies]

In the Empire of Woogicia,

Emperor Leroy Jenkins sat impatiently on his intricately crafted throne, awaiting the arrival of his military adviser. Leroy, famous for his short temper and his unmatched skills with the sword and the bow, has ruled his kingdom with an iron fist and is both respected and feared by the warrior people of Woogicia.

The Empire of Woogicia is a strategically built war machine, with thousands of armories and siege workshops spread across the land. The church holds very little power as Woogician's only ever pray to Hieronious before they enter battle, and usually do so within their own homes.

there was a loud knock on the chamber door, followed by Commander Maleen announcing his presence. Leroy quickly bid his royal guards to let in his most trusted adviser.

"You are late Commander, this is unlike thou"

Maleen swallowed nervously and replied cautiously, "My Lord, I have found something...... quite disturbing"

"Do proceed, you know how i dislike waiting"

"Very well my lord. As you know our most recent military campaign resulted in the expansion of our western lands. i have just returned from that corner of the empire, and with less than half of the men thou sent out"

"WHAT! THOU HAST LOST OVER 10,000 SOLDIERS IN BATTLE?" Leroy takes a minute to calm down when he realizes that he is yelling at his dearest friend. "How could you allow so many men to die Maleen? our forces were clearly superior to the Lilliputians."

"N-N-No My Lord, your men did not die in battle but by a strange sickness that is thought to of come from the conquered lands"

An awkward silence descends as Leroy thinks of what he can do to help remedy this latest problem.....

[Stratigenia]

Captain Jake Aigles of the Great Stratigenian Naval Empire stands at the helm of his massive warship, the Soaring Eagle and looks over the battlefield, and the remains of his enemies.

"Commander, report!"

Commander Ives stepped up to him.
"I am proud to report that the enemy died very quickly. Casualty ratings stand at 0 for us and 2,500 for them. Granted, they were a fleet with almost no weapons, and we outnumbered them 2 to 1, but still, it is an excellent accomplishment."

"Indeed it is. Come, there is someone I'd like you to meet."

He walks to the back of the ship, Ives following. Standing there are the other 3 Commanders of the Empire, and a man new to all of them, Tall, thin, with dark skin, and black hair.

Aigles looks at them all. "Ives, I would like you to meet the new commander. Paul Corbeau."

Ives looks around, stunned. "But there are only 4 commanders! Me, Faucons, Vautour, and Hibou!

"I am well aware. He is to replace you.

"What? What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing. I just think that he will be better."

"But we've known each other for 12 years!" Ives takes a step back.

"You assume I care?

In one fluid motion, Aigles draws a dagger from his belt, and slits Ives throat. None of the commanders flinch as his blood gushes from his body. Aigles draws a pendant from around his neck, a dubloon suspended in a golden ring. He spins the dubloon around 3 times. It begins to glow. A pillar of sea water grows, and surrounds his body. When it leaves, hi body is gone.

Aigles turns towards the commanders. "Now let us proclaim our new commander!"

The 5 of them bow their heads. "All hail Aigles, Lord of the sea and Captain of the Soaring Eagle! All hail Faucons, Lord of the Deep and Captain of the Screeching Falcon! All hail Vautour, Lord of the dead and Captain of the Deathly Vulture! All hail Hibou, Lord of the light and Captain of the All-Seeing Owl! All hail Corbeau, Lord of the dark and Captain of the Silent Raven!"

A pentacle burns at their feet, and turns to water. Aigles turns to Corbeau and laughs. "Well Corbeau, it seems you have been accepted by the sea. Now, I have something that I think you will all be interested in...."

[Plategerna]

In the kingdom of Plategernia...

Standing upon the battlements of his unneccesarily large castle, King Arturias looked out upon the peasants of his sprawling kingdom with undisguised disgust.

"By the blade of Excalibur! These filthy creatures aren't fit to feed to the swine!" he snarled while simultaneously flooring a servant with a well-aimed backhand slap,"If only there was some sort of menial task I could set them upon for my own personal gain, while making them think they are doing it for the good of the kingdom!"

Suddenly, as if by divine providence, the king's eagle swooped through the window and alighted on its perch next to Arturias. Clutched in its gleaming talons was a grubby piece of paper, along with a white object that bore a striking resemblance to a human femur, undoubtedly from some poor peasant who had the misfortune to catch the attention of this fierce bird of prey.

"What's that you've got?", asked Arturias, as he pulled the paper from his pet's steely grip.

Unrolling the paper, Arturias's breath caught in his chest. A map! But to where, and to what?

[Sahms Club]

The king of Sahms Club is sleeping.......

[Sahms Club]

OOC: What I would of said,

Suddenly, the king of Sahms Club is awakened by a hard smashing on the door. Still drowsy and frustrated to be separated by his sweet dreams, he replies "What is it?"
"It's a message from Unibot, sir," replied a servant eagerly. "The king of Unibot said it is very urgent!"
The king sat up in his bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Come in then ."
A short, chubby servant waddled in quickly and handed the blood stained letter to the king. The king gently opened the letter, and gently rubbed off his glasses, always taking his sweet little time. As the servant waited impatiently for the king, the king finally put on his glasses and began reading, to himself.

After a minute, the king looked up at the servant, gently took off his glasses, and began to rub his head. "So what is it, sir?" asked the servant, who has grown even more impatient.
"Meh..." muttered the king. "It seems we are at war," then looking up at the servant and said "....again. About some sort of mystical coin." He looked down and started to rub his head again. "The king of Unibot also said that he would be very greatfull if I would let him and the other nations know about our back story and to have a better post than the last one."
The servant looked very confused. "What do you mean by posts? I don't quite follow you sir."
"Legends say" began the king, "that as we speak right now, a person from the future is recording what we say and using it on a non-living object that has the ability to think and communicate. Assuming the legend is true and not a myth, I'm going back to sleep. In the mean time, prepare a battalion of soldiers and stand by for my orders."


With that, the king collapsed immediately back down in his bed and began sleeping. The servant left his room, still confused about these so-called "posts."

IC: One day while walking his dog and looking over his fair kingdom, the King of Sahms Club notices a villager climbing up the infamous forty-foot wall, like he was trying to escape. The king thought to himself "What is this? I provide my people prosperity within these giant walls, give them the right to have intercourse within their own family, and provide them just enough food that they may need to eat each other occasionally. Who those this revolting man think he is?" Raging with anger, the king shouted "You sir! If you dare pass the walls of my fair kingdom, I'll.......um......irrr......"

"You'll do what, sir?" replied the escaping villager. "You and your men are too afraid to leave your own kingdom because you think you'll fall of the edge of the earth! I don't have to stay here in your social isolated prison!"

"How dare you defy me, and call my beautiful kingdom a prison! How many kings have you heard of that give the right ON ROYAL PAPER, to inbreed and support cannibalism?"

"Good riddance to you sir," replied the villager. Suddenly, just as he was about to jump the wall, he stopped, turned green, and came crashing down. The king and some nearby villagers gazed in shock over the deformed man. A nearby doctor investigated the body and shook his head in ignorance. Many thoughts were racing through the king's head, with so many questions and not one answer. The most disturbing of his thoughts were that this could mean the end of the world (since he thinks the world consists of only his kingdom)...

[Forikorder]

The door burst open as Sgt, Tashigi entered the room, you called "King Cobra?" she asked
"Yes." he answered stepping away from his window and onto a bunny, falling on his face "damn things are everywhere now" he saids as he viciously punts the rabbit through a hole in his window. he begins to pace around his room, grumbling.

"You called?" asked Tashigi.
"yes" said cobra "do you know whats wrong with this country? no. damn. work. ethic. Far too many lazy people with their noses in their books, putting no effort towards making money, its sickening. we've had this talk before, but this time, I have a plan. a good one to for once, somehow i managed to get one of those eggheads to do some work, and they found THIS" as he finishes talking he places an enormously large book on the table.

"what is this, sir" Asked Tashigi.

"This, is the journal of the best explorer of any time, Gol D Roger, it explains in scrupulous detail, all of his many explorations, one in perticular where he found a coin of exceptional quality and suspicious origin"

"what does this have to do with our national Crisis sir?" asked Tashigi.
"i want you to bring me this coin, it is certainly a way to help bring some income into our nation, gather the army, i want that coin!" yelled King Cobra

"uh, sir?" asked Tashigi.
"what?"
"we don't HAVE an army" she said.
"Then MAKE one, AND GET ME THAT COIN"

[Unibot]

In the Kingdom of Unibotivania,

King Julian rode past the women in his kingdom, they were encompassing him and his horse like festering zombies.

Except zombies were prettier... god he hated religion, thought Julian.

In his kingdom the supposed dress wear for women was more bulky and unrevealing than most stacks of hay. The church had also ordered no powered faces, painted lips, clean hair.... the list went on and on.

He continued to ride, as the women tried to grab onto him, and he rode faster.

Galloping through the woods at a breakneck speed, he had finally out rode the last one, a desperate old hag who's screams still lingered in Julian's head.

The short expedition was to a small hovel, outsides of the kingdom in the forgotten swampland. There lived a great sorcerer, and all-around medicine man. Julian had heard about this strange man from his father, apparently they use to be good drinking buddies. That was until his father lied his way into becoming king, and the drunken sorcerer went barking mad and decided to live in the swampland so 'he could get in touch with nature', but everyone knew he was there to try to slay the great slimy flesh-eating frogmonster that lived in the swamps, and bit his hand off a decade previous.

If there was one man out there that could possibly solve the epidemic, it was probably not him, but eh, why not.

[Stratigenia]

Captain Aigles looked at his men, the finest sailors in the seas.

"You see!" He exclaims, noting his men's looks of amazement. "With this coin, we will have complete control! Gold, ale and women will be ours at our whim! Only one problem. We need help. There are 8 great empires that scour this land, and I think that 2 of them won;t need to play any part in this, so let's just go with 6."

"Now, Forikorder and Woogicia are already on the move for this coin. We can't count on any help from them, they are fools, holding pastry and rodents above gold and ale! We are going to need to acquire assistance from unibotvania, and Sahm's club. I've already sent ravens to bring them a message of peace, until we don't need each other anymore, of course."

Corbeau looks up. "So then, what is the plan?"

"Quite simple. We get drunk and screw the women while we wait for the reply, then after it gets back, we get drunk and screw some more!"

Hibou looks up as well. "What about a swordfight? Can't forget those!"

"Right, Right, so, we'll get drunk and screw the women while we wait for the reply, then after it gets back, you two" he points to two random crewmen "will fight to the death for our amusement, then we get drunk and screw some more!"

"Can't we pass out into a pile of gold?" asks Faucons.

"Ooh! And gems! Can't forget the gems!" exclaims Vautaur.

"Allright, Allright, we get drunk, screw, and wait, then a fight to the death, then more drinking, more screwing, then pass out into a pile of gold."

"And gems!"

"Right, right, and gems. BRING OUT THE ALE!" yelled aigles, already half naked and tipsy.

[The purple woogies]

In the Empire of Woogicia,

Leroy emerged from his meditative-like state, to find that he was once again alone in his throne room.
"Guard! Send a runner to all of my advisers, tell them that an emergency meeting has been called"

as the last of the royal advisers arrived at the octagonal table Leroy addressed them with the situation.
"as many of you know a strange new sickness has come into our fair empire. it is thought to of come from the newly acquired western lands. i hereby decree a quarantine of the conquered lands, Maleen please dispatch a battalion immediately to enforce the perimeter."

"very well M'Lord" Commander Maleen then left the table to carry out the emperor's wishes.

a quiet young man by the name of Icarus P. Freely then spoke up. "M'Lordship, if i could suggest something?" Icarus, being the royal lore-master received the least respect from his fellow advisers and rarely offered advice to the Emperor.

"go ahead Icarus"

"well My Lord i think that i have a solution to this new sickness."

Leroy, is now lisening intently to what his Lore-master has to say.

"legend has it that a magical coin exists in the Kruasian underground, and the coin grants great power to it's possessor." Icarus pauses for dramatic effect " if you were to get a hold of this coin m'lord you would be able to rid Woogicia of this sickness! though the Kruasian underground is said to be the lair of the most powerful dragon in the land, Garrazan, we would need an ally or two if we wish to defeat him."

Leroy thought about what his lore-master had to say for several minutes before issuing his orders.

"It seems well worth the risk to obtain an object of such great power. PREPARE THE ARMY! send out runners to the nearby kingdoms of Plategernia and Forikorder as well, but do not tell them our true purpose, ask them if they will assist us in the slaying of the mighty dragon and they shall receive equal shares of it's treasure horde"

OOC: let's try to keep in order ok Stratigenia?

[Plategerna]

On the Very Hot Plains, In the Kingdom of Plategerna...

Standing outside his unneccesarily large castle once again, King Arturias surveyed his troops with an expression of quiet disgust, in much the same manner as one would look at a piece of washed up pond scum

After he had translated the map he had recieved only 4 days prior, King Arturias had rallied his massive army and the entire population of his kingdom, the two titles being interchangeable, and forced them to march across the fabled Very Hot Plains of his kingdom without rest.

Of course, and Arturias allowed himself a small smile at the thought, around 3400 of his soldiers had perished in the first 5 minutes of marching, whether it was from old age, disease, or the fact that Arturias had ordered his soldiers to carry his entire castle with them across the plains.

"Hmph", grunted Arturias while flooring two servants, a small child and his grandmother with a brilliantly executed backhand combo, "I need a better army. And what better way to get one than by forcing these fools to invade my enemy's kingdoms and capture their finest soldiers?"

"Orodnir!" called Arturias, summoning his army's chief strategist, who was perhaps the only man in the kingdom that Arturias would hesistate to kill, "Prepare for war."

[Unibot]

OOC: You should of wrote Monty Python's Holy Grail !

[Sahms Club]

Meanwhile, within the tall isolated walls of Sahms Club,

the king of Sahms Club paces back and forth in the professor's office, like an expectant father, waiting for a response, or at least a theory. Outside, many villagers had their faces pressed against the glass windows of the office, anticipating the professor's discoveries as well. "What has happened to that poor man?" he asked himself out loud. "All he did was climb to the top of the wall, and just came crashing down to his death. Maybe that's what happens when you reach the end of the Earth?"

Finally, the professor came out of the autopsy room. He removed his lab coat, placed it on the chair next to his office, and began to rub his glasses.

"Well?" asked the king impatiently.

"Well," started the professor while putting his glasses back on, "after some intense work on this poor fellow, I discovered that this unfortunate soul is sick."

The king just stared at him. "I think we all comprehend that aspect, professor. Why is he sick?!"

"Well," began the professor, "during my work, I've also discovered that I don't know what he's sick with, and that his case may be beyond my experience."

Again, the king just stared in disbelief, shaking his head. "HOW DID YOU BECOME A DOCTOR!?"

"Well," began the professor, "I was a butcher, but you appointed me to this field of work because this kingdom didn't have any doctors, and you were to afraid to send anybody outside the kingdom walls. You know, being a butcher, I have never seen anything so fascinating. It's amazing how deformed a human looks like in the insides from inbreeding-"

"Enough!" the king hollered. "If you can't help me, I'll just have to figure this out myself!"

The king stormed out of the office, with the villagers staring in confusion.

[Unibot]

OCC: Ha. Sahms Club's post is awesome, "I'm not a Doctor - I'm a Butcher!"

[Unibot]

OOC: Doney can go next, I have to leave - and PW can post next after Doney.

IC:

King Julian slowed his horse down; the fog was getting thicker in the woodland and therefore was constraining his vision. Common noises of swamp life were murmuring in the background, with the horse’s feet splashing through wet terrain – Therefore Julian thought he was pretty close to the Medicine Man’s hovel.

That was until the horse hit a wet spot, its feet started to sink into the bog – screams of agony came from the beast as it tripped and collapsed. Julian was thrown off the horse immediately, falling into the thick swamp.

He looked around, but could not see anything because of the fog, he could however hear his horse moaning in the background – it was no doubt drowning in the swamp.

Except, something else was going on – the King heard something splash out of the water, and he definitely heard the biting of flesh.

Though, hip-deep in a bog so thick that he could not walk, he grabbed his sword from its holster and held it high out of the water – ready to fight whatever had just devoured his horse. This heroism lasted for about five seconds, ending ever suddenly with the yank of a tentacle under the swampwater which latched onto his armored leg and started to pull him deeper into the bog.

Julian managed to get one short audible yell out of him before he was dragged underwater fully.

Swimming in darkness he violently kicked underwater, trying to get the tentacles off his body. He could hear the underwater beast snarling at him, as he punted him repeatedly.
Then in one last attempt to thrust himself away from the creature, the tentacle seemed to no longer to be holding onto something, Julian hoped to God that this wasn’t because he had lost a leg, but it didn’t matter at the moment – he used the circumstance to viciously swim away. Finding the shore was sheer dumb luck, as he crawled onto the soaked earth, away from the underwater beast.

Julian looked over at his legs, thankfully they both were intact. The Beast’s tentacle had merely dislodged his metallic boot.

“Thou having fun?” exclaimed a voice from behind him.

Julian turned around, pale as a snowflake. He examined the man who had startled him, an older gentleman, poor, ragged, and stinking of gin – definitely the man he was looking for.

“Are you the medicine man of the forgotten woodlands?” asked Julian.

The man smiled, “no, I’m the medicine man of the forgotten boglands. Will I do?”

“I thought the woodlands has been a swamp for years though?”
“Exactly my point, boy – come, come, I’m sure you have questions!” chuckled the crazy old man.

Julian picked himself up off the ground, following the Medicine Man into the distance with only one boot, rusting armor and soaking wet.

The Medicine Man apparently had a pet bird that he wore on his shoulder at all times, a bottle of whisky which he kept in his left hand at all times, a wooden stubble that substituted for a right hand at all times, and no pants –complemented by a constant erection for a reason that Julian did not care to ask.

They were walking alone when the Medicine started to ask him questions again,

“So I guess yeh wondering why I wear no pants?”

“Thy was wonder such things”

He laughed, “I like to fuck the trees. Especially the sappy ones.”

Julian hoped that was a sad attempt at humor, he was wrong though, as the Medicine Man demonstrated.

While violently rubbing back and forth against the tree (with the birdie remaining on his shoulder), the Medicine Man continued to ask questions to Julian, whose face was turned away from him.

“So, why did thou come to visit me?”

“My people are sick, they’re falling ill to the Black Death”.

The Medicine Man howled, “Oh yes!”

Julian turned around, “Excuse me?”

The dirty old man laughed, “sorry not you, I was talking to the tree – carry on…”

Julian frowned, “anyway, I was wondering if you knew how to heal those who are ill from it?”

The Medicine Man didn’t reply for a while, he continued making love to the tree, until it occurred to him, “oh wait, yes… there is a way to combat such diseases. Vaudlan’s Coin, its um…somewhere.”

Julian’s eyebrow was raised, “somewhere?”

The man directed his pet birdie, “Go find that bloody map!”
Much to the King’s surprise, the Birdie flew off with that simple order.

The Medicine Man pulled away from the tree, finally. Wiping the sap off him, he started to look for the birdie’s return.

The old man smiled proudly and pointed at the Bird, flying in the distance with a map in its grasp.

“Oooh, there it is!”

Then the bird started to swerve off course, and flew directly away from them both. Still carrying the map.

The Medicine Man looked back at Julian, frowning. “Well sorry mate, can’t help you.”

The King was shocked, “but you just said …”

The old man interrupted him, “that was before my bloody bird flew away with the fucking map – now, wasn’t it!? Dammit, it’ll take me years to train a new messenger bird.”

[Stratigenia]

OOC: EEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!