XX
Llalta
Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon - "Forgive Yourself"
Language(s): English
Tune: Crowd Lu - 刻在我心底的名字 (Your Name Engraved Herein)
Additional Information
Lyrics: Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon
Music: Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon, Esther Winterbourne, John Marshall
Trigramme: LLA
The cover art for Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon's single and entry to the 60th World Hit Festival, "Forgive Yourself"
Llalta finally returns to the World Hit Festival, after an everlasting hiatus of six editions, now twenty editions since the tiny island's debut into the prestigious contest. Six editions ago, in Bovingdon, Britonisea, the LBN had confirmed their participation in the contest after a break of two editions, which had felt long at the time, with the powerful and raw ballad "Ramène-moi", written and performed by 21-year old Rivera Lewis. And there, after two nail-biting semi-finals, Llalta had managed to qualify, and eventually placed 4th out of a final of 17 (overall 33). This was yet another top-5 position for the country, and contributed to the 10th top-10 placement in a row. Yet another successful entry seemed to only further the anticipation for the next entry, especially after a WorldVision win and a mostly successful hosting. With islanders buzzing and the international crowd interested in what the island nation was to present to the world next, it seemed Llalta was to set to see the stars. However, it was that success that ended up being the LBN's Achilles heel. With the WorldVision hosting scraping the last scrap of money from their pockets, the LBN found themselves barely being able to clean their pipes monthly, let alone participate in two song contests on a regular basis. Thus, sacrifices had to be made, the first being WHF participation whilst they stabled themselves financially, much to the disappointment of the dedicated WHF fanbase of Llalta. However, though it seemed Llaltese participation in WorldVision wasn't to be halted by their financial struggles, eventually even the participations for WV became spotty, despite recent success stories such as WorldVision 87's Himiko Arden with the song "Forevermore", which placed 2nd, and WorldVision 90's Lacey (Lee Shin-Hyun) with the song "Constellations", who placed 4th, in between less successful entries as well as not entering at all. However, with both WorldVision and World Hit Festival partaking becoming few and far between, Llaltese fans began to feel the imminent feeling of not participating at all.
However, after months of silence over WHF, the LBN finally dropped plans for participation on the 8th July, leaving Llaltese fans ecstatic. Only a few days later, the artist who would represent Llalta was revealed, being an aspiring singer, Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon. Though he had sung theme songs for many Taiwanese dramas, such as "Wishbone" for the poignant 'Wishbone' and "If Tomorrow Never Came" for the powerful film 'On The Rays Of The Sun', he had never released much music beyond OSTs and theme songs. However, due to the great success of the songs he had sung, many were excited to hear the news. Behind closed doors, the LBN had desperately tried to change their direction. After the many successes and downfalls that came with mostly deep, beautiful ballads, many on the board thought that the country should move to the future: perhaps produce music that was no longer considered 'old-fashioned' or 'slow', but rather modern, powerful and catchy. Earlier in the year, the new direction was showcased with the highly successful LlaltaVision 2, which, despite ending up with a song that had not even been entered in the National Final, still managed to be fresh and modern, with much acclaim by international critics. Thus, after a successful WorldVision 90, the next step for the broadcaster was to showcase this 'new Llalta' at the 60th World Hit Festival, which would be exactly twenty editions after the country had debuted. Many on the WV/WHF board at the LBN thought it would be right to celebrate twenty editions gone with the new Llalta, to show how far the nation had come in terms of music. This mindset had also prompted the idea to send a young, rising artist who was to shine Llalta in a new light, which Zadkiel had been considered the ideal artist to fit that mould.
However, after briefing the ambitious new star, he had put forth a rather polarising vision, one that completely contrasted the 'new Llalta'. Though the LBN board had remained firm in their ideals, so had Zadkiel, who presented an early demo that he had written himself. Though many were unconvinced, one board member, Madeleine Wellwisher, saw the potential in the rough demo. After the ensuing debates, the eventual agreement was that Zadkiel was to record both the original song, and an improved version of the demo, and then the board would decide on which they preferred. Having been only ever sang to other people's songs, he knew this was his chance to become the artist that he wanted to be. He even had secretly met with acclaimed songwriter John Marshall, who had written many a successful WorldVision and World Hit Festival song among other awards, as well as WorldVision winner and World Hit Festival two-time runner-up Esther Winterbourne, who had also written the song that won WHF. The three together arranged and rewrote the song with the National Llaltese Orchestra, though kept the original lyrics for their earnestness. Presented with the two songs, the board unanimously chose his own song, despite completely contrasting with the original vision that the LBN had envisioned. Not to mention that many tears were shed in the boardroom. And on the 20th of July, the song was released.
Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon, a 23-year old singer-songwriter who will represent Llalta at the 60th World Hit Festival.
Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon was born in St.Christopher on the 20th August 1997, to two parents of Taiwanese descent, his grandparents having moved to Britonisea in the 60s, apart from one of his grandfathers who had been Llaltese himself, leading Zadkiel to be 3/4 Taiwanese and 1/4 Llaltese. Eventually, his parents had moved to Llalta shortly after their marriage and before his birth. He had been raised in a strictly Christian household, and had abided by many Taiwanese traditions that had been passed down his family. He had also learnt Mandarin, and grew up surrounded by a mix of Llaltese folk music and Taiwanese CDs brought to Llalta by his parents, who were not particularly musical themselves. At school, he had been academically proficient, but also grew a passion for music. There, he learnt the guitar, the piano and trained vocally, often connecting himself with his distant 'home' of Taiwan through music. He often stayed at school after hours to train using the instruments, his parents waiting outside the doors, silently listening to the music beyond his knowledge, before they picked him up. At 12, he had already become a frequent at St.Christopher's Academy music recitals. Despite his musicality, he had never once considered a career in music. However, at 13, his family had moved back to Taiwan for better work, leaving his life in Llalta behind for a new life. In Taiwan he had lived his teenage life as any other teenager, continuing his passion for music and his proficient studies as he did before. He would have considered his life rather average, until he had been talent-spotted at a singing recital at 16. There, he had been signed under a label, and he began singing for small-scale dramas. It wasn't much it certainly fulfilled a hole in his heart he didn't know he had. Sometimes he would toy with the idea of presenting the little melodies he had sang in his head, but had never grown the confidence to do so. Thus, he finished high school, and went on to university. Though his passion for music never died, his activity certainly slowed due to university studies, releasing less and less music year by year. Though, it had only been temporary, and with the release of his first original single "当花落 (When Flowers Fall)" in 2016, which, though failed commercially, brought him joy to create and perform like no other. It had been then that he knew music was the path for him. He still resides in Taipei, Taiwan, with his two parents and three dogs, Chewy, Kakao, and Totoro.
Released on the 20th July 2021, the song, "Forgive Yourself" is a slow, orchestral ballad which serves as a reminder that no matter our actions or mistakes, we shouldn't punish ourselves for being flawed is inescapable. That, rather than hurting yourself or trying to change yourself for being flawed, we should understand the reasons for our actions and grow as people. However, in order to grow, we must not hate ourselves or punish ourselves. Written and performed by Zadkiel Lapuda-Avondon, and composed by Zadkiel, Esther Winterbourne and John Marshall, the song is 5:20, and it has a progressive structure, slowly building with every verse and chorus. Inspired by old Hollywood songs of past infused with Llaltese ballads as well as the OSTs and theme songs he often sings for Taiwanese dramas, Zadkiel spoke of the song in an LBN interview, saying:
I want the song to serve as a reminder to everyone, that we shouldn't punish ourselves for everything we do. We shouldn't try to escape ourselves for everything we do. We all do wrong in our lives: that is just part of being human. The human soul is tarnished and flawed but... I suppose that's what makes us human. You know, there are lots of things we regret, and some things we can never forget, even if the world forgets. And we cannot escape that. But we cannot carry the burden of guilt forever, because we all deserve to be loved. We cannot grow as people if we do not accept what we have done wrong in our lives. You have to forgive yourself in order to become the best you can be.
With honest lyrics, the song topped the Llaltese charts within hours of release, staying at the top since release. Furthermore, many critics have praised the lyrics and instrumentation, as well as Zadkiel's earnest delivery and pretty voice. On the other hand, some critics describe the song as yet another Llaltese ballad, slow and unmoving from start to finish. However, amongst Llaltese, the song has been extremely popular, harking back to the Llaltese music of the 60s, when Hollywood music and romantic music was the trend, the oldest of the Llaltese community warming to the nostalgic arrangement. Taiwanese fans of his have also praised the song for a nostalgic soundscape and pretty vocals. The song has already reached over 80,000 streams on Spotify, a high amount even by Llaltese World Hit Festival standards, already becoming the fourth most-streamed Llaltese WHF entry in only two weeks.
As the postcard ends, the tranquil scene of seagulls flitting upon Pegasus Rock fades away, revealing the title card. The audience erupts into cheers as the tiny island nation is next to perform, not too long before the arena soon fading into darkness and silence descends upon the rowdy crowds of the WHF arena. Eventually, there is merely the final hushed whispers of the audience, and then, nothing. Onstage, amidst the visage of black, a nervous Zadkiel readies himself, swerving slightly on the balls of his feet. This was it. A few deep breaths seemed to slow the seconds into hours, as the start never seemed to start. Not that he minded, considering his nerves. Silently mouthing a prayer, he finally heard the prompt in his in-ear piece. One last deep breath, and it was to begin.
As the music began to play, the arena could be seen once again, fading from black as camera 6 delivered a slow zoom into the centre of the stage, where Zadkiel, stood rather meekly as he faced the floor, shifting on the balls of his feet. He wears a white shirt, unbuttoned at the top, the collar embellished with lace, with sleeves that billow slightly at the wrists, the shirt tucked into slim black trousers. Furthermore, he wears white socks and black leather shoes. With natural stage makeup, his hair falls around his face. Furthermore, there had been a slight blurred filter on the camera, creating a dreamy look as every frame was washed in a slight sepia tone, every light colour glowing just slightly. Upon every surface of every LED screen (from the curved screen at the back to the trapezoidal shards to the floor) it was black, disregarding lots of glittering golden stars that were scattered somewhat few and far between, but still framed Zadkiel in a warm lustre as he stood in front of the curved LED screen. The tube was not lowered for this performance, yet still portrayed the starry sky as every other LED screen. As the first notes of the song were plucked on the guitar, another shot zooming into Zadkiel was shown, this time at a more intimate head-on angle by camera 2. This time, he had slowly but surely lifted his head up, his eyes gazing at the ocean of audience that lay in front of him, reflecting the phone camera lights as they swayed from side to side like buoys upon the waves of a twilight sea. Though he had been initially astounded at the sheer size of the crowd, it had been his resolve not to back down, not to give in to his fears. Thus, as the soundscape thickened, with a volley of horns filling the arena with music, he tightly clutched the mic in front of him, raised on a stand, his eyelids fluttering as the spotlights hit his eye, bathing him in gold. With slow, intimate camera shots and a warm palette of soft greyed golds, almost sepia, the staging matched and conveyed the nostalgic, personal tone of the song. Another wide, slow pan of the stage from camera 3 was displayed, the phone lights and flags waving in unison to the rhythm of the song, as if lost in the music, much like Zadkiel. Whom of which, closed his eyes wistfully, a small glimmer of a smile upon his face he readied himself to sing the first verse of the song, nodding his head as he counted the beats until he was to sing. As the tempo began to grind to a halt, camera 7 zoomed into Zadkiel slowly, then zooming into his face before fading to black.
Once the verse had begun, the camera cut from black to Steadicam 1, which took an establishing shot of Zadkiel directly in front of him. His eyes opened, glittering in the lights as he softly sang the first lines, voice like silk. The camera shot did not change for a while, as he closed his eyes once again, letting the lyrics slip from his lips on the winds of the song. Though his body subtly swayed, his hands remained gripped upon the microphone as if it were holding him to the ground. With each painful truth, creases etched into his face, casting shadows that danced upon his smooth skin. As sang the last line, "Yourself" his eyes drifted shut as he glanced at the floor, camera 2 having panned the whole stage before fading to black. And, as the second section of the verse began, the camera lit up once more, this time starting with a zoom-in of Zadkiel, from camera 6, capturing every emotion painted upon his face. Horns began to fill the soundscape once again, and Zadkiel continued to sing every line softly. As he sang the line, "Through your fingertips", he took one hand off of the mic and spread his fingers as it moved slightly forwards. There, it caught the light, leaving small rays of shadows. However, he soon brought his hand back to the microphone as he prepared for the chorus. There was one last slow pan of camera 18, with Zadkiel's back turned towards the camera as he faced the audience. There, the full capacity of the arena could be seen, though just about, heads lit up by phone lights as they swayed. Finally, a steadicam slowly zoomed into him as the final words left his lips, the last breath being amplified around the arena.
Yesterday
It is so hard to face
Yesterday
All the mistakes you made
Yesterday
All the reasons you hate yourself
Yourself
Yesterday
You wish you could forget
Yesterday
Paint it all over again
But yesterday has slipped
Through your fingertips
Fingertips
As he began to sing the chorus, a few spotlights at the back billowed outwards, creating a sense of grandiose. Apart from that one light show however, the staging stayed the same for the first chorus. However, Zadkiel himself began to sing with a little more strength as he sang the message to the world, his body subtly shifting as he closed his eyes. One hand slipped from the microphone, grasping onto the mic stand instead before becoming free, expressing the song in the way that all singers do. Firstly, camera 6 steadily zoomed into Zadkiel, a shot of his face framed by the stars behind. Though it was so close to him, it seemed like he struggled to make eye contact with the camera, glancing away after a few seconds of eye contact. The next few shots were mostly closer and slower shots of Zadkiel via steadicams, cameras 2, 6 & 7, complimenting the more restrained and intimate instrumentation and atmosphere of the first section of the chorus. However, once the horns began to re-enter the soundscape, the shots began to grow in scale, the next shot being a pan of the stage via camera 3, the back wall of spotlights being shown as they began to brighten, glinting in the lens of the camera, sometimes obscuring Zadkiel for a split second. However, as the camera zoomed back into a close shot of Zadkiel, he sang the final line with a subtle anguish, his eyes tightly shut before opening to the spotlights, the shot fading out, transitioning to the next shot. As he began to sing the second part of the chorus, The lights brightened, in particular, the wall of spotlights behind the back LED wall. Via camera 14, a pan of the whole arena was shown, the phone lights like fireflies drowned out by the beauty of the stage. After that majestic pan, camera 7 zoomed into Zadkiel as he continued to sing with the youthful earnestness that wrote the lyrics in the first place, his voice tainted by a bittersweet optimism. As he sings, "rest a while", a faint small grows on his face, his eyes glancing upwards towards the steadicam which slowly zooms into his face, and for once, his eyes remain locked upon the camera. He then pushes his right arm forwards towards the camera, reaching out to the viewers at home. His eyes glimmer with gold, his shirt sleeves wafting in the air as his hand migrates back to his heart, where it rests for a moment. He nods his head upon singing the final line, holding the note, the camera panning until he was out of frame, before fading to the next shot.
And though you want to start again
You have one life you can't reset
And in the glimmer of an eye, it all can end
And though your tears may scar your face
It is ok to enjoy the life that you have left
No matter the blood you blame yourself for
You dream of running from the day
But in the starless night the slightest light remains
No one is perfect, yet, that is perfect enough
You don't have to punish yourself forever, rest a while
The world will always forgive you
And if not then
At least forgive yourself
The chorus lead straight into an instrumental, camera 18 taking the reins as a panorama of the whole arena is shown, the stage alight in gold glinting constantly in the lens of the camera like the moons reflecting in the sea. Onstage, Zadkiel sways to the music, lost in the song of his own design as he shuts his eyes and feels every instrument reverberating in the arena. Camera 8 then pans across the arena but from the other direction, flags and phones obscuring the Zadkiel every few moments, before the spidercam slowly glides across the arena, at first the crowd of lights being shown before the stage comes into clear view. These shots were far different from the more intimate and close shots of the previous verse and chorus, but displayed the sheer beauty of the stage and the energy of the arena, the emotional melodies of the song spilling out into the air. As Zadkiel began to sing the second verse, the spidercam had just finished it's zoom into the stage from the back, and camera 6 began to zoom into him. He turned his head towards the camera, slowly closing in, his confidence beginning to glimmer like a ray of light dispersed from the trees. Though only a small feeling, he began to feel at home upon the stage. The words left his lips with far more enunciation than before, and with more projection too. Lights at the back began to pulse softly to the introduced shaker, shining from the centre and rippling outwards, like the ebb of a pond. As a result, the stage felt a lot brighter than before, even if the lights had stayed the same, bar the lights that supported the slight percussion. After steadicam 2 slowly circled Zadkiel, now poised upright, camera 12 took a far-off shot of the stage, Zadkiel, a star in the night sky, glimmering. Then, as he sang the final line of the verse, camera 6 began to zoom in on him, his hand slipping down the microphone stand before being pulled up to where his heart is. He glances into the camera, the universe in his eyes, before closing them once more as he holds the final note of the verse, lifting both hands from the microphone as the camera fades the shot into the next shot, that being of the chorus.
Yesterday
You know it is only
Yesterday
You are not tainted by
The life that you have made
It's not too late to change
To change
As the chorus begins, the shot begins with a close-up of Zadkiel, who glances straight into the camera as he sings the first line, eyes alight with hope. Cheeks blushed with the rush of blood, as he sings the line, "want to start again", camera 3 takes a slow panorama of the whole stage, which is now illuminated in a warm gold light as a few spotlights billow outwards from the back of the stage, glinting in the camera as they shine into its lens. Furthermore, the gold lights behind the back LED wall once again flare up brighter than before, shining as the light hits the lens. The stars that twinkle upon all the LEDs also brighten a little, matching the musical flourish in the music. Not to mention that Zadkiel also sings with a little more power, emotion perhaps also, than before. The panorama of the stage captures every slow pulse of light, a radiant yet not blinding stage display that is also minimalistic, much like the song. A steadicam then takes yet another zoom-in of Zadkiel, who faces the camera as he sings with all the emotion he has to give, the glimpse of a smile shining like the spotlights that engulf him in gold. His sleeves once again flutter in the air as he sways to the slow rhythm of the song, his hands clutching tightly to the microphone. In the shot, spotlights behind can be seen once again billowing upwards and filling the arena with a dim light, swallowing his silhouette as they flare into the camera lens. However, his warm smile cannot be dimmed by brighter lights. The chorus is grandiose, being the precipice of the song as he paints each word upon the backing track, carried by his emotions, though he does not waver. As the chorus progresses, gold lights continue to billow across the four corners of the arena, as if they were searching for a star. The filter upon the camera is so that the lights blur and linger far longer than normal, hazy like a far-off memory. As he sings the second stanza of the chorus, the lights billow once again, each word sung as smooth as the last, each syllable connected like raindrops upon a cobweb. Camera 14 takes yet another panorama from the back of the arena, the Zadkiel so small yet so prominent, surrounded by a palace of golden lights. Not long after, the spidercam zooms into the mainstage once more, the audience, now washed in the burnished hues, flags indistinguishable as they are blurred by lights. Shaking his head, he sings the final few lines, a steadicam zooming into him, capturing the bitter-sweetness of accepting the past lacing his lips. As he sings the final line, "At least forgive yourself", the lights hush until they are not lit any longer, matching the gradual quiet of the instrumentation, now just Zadkiel and a single horn. His eyes shut as he sings the final word, "yourself", holding the final note into the near silent, dark arena. He softly sang the final note, as the camera that had a close-up shot of him, faded to black, leaving just the simple melody of the horn to fill the arena with song.
And though you want to start again
You have one life you can't reset
And in the glimmer of an eye, it all can end
And though your tears may scar your face
It is ok to enjoy the life that you have left
No matter the blood you blame yourself for
You dream of running from the day
But in the starless night the slightest light remains
No one is perfect, yet, that is perfect enough
You don't have to punish yourself forever, rest a while
The world will always forgive you
And if not then
At least forgive yourself
As the silence persisted for a few moments, the arena remained pitch black, until a high up panorama from camera 7 finally faded the stage into view. Onstage, Zadkiel had been lit up by a single golden spotlight, his head facing the floor as his entire front had been cast in shadows. Behind him, was a large sepia-toned moon of golden hues, surrounding him like a halo, casting gold upon the borders of his silhouette. As camera 2 took a full body shot of him, he placed his hands back upon the microphone, slowly raising his head to sing the final chorus. His eyes shimmered even through the cloak of darkness. As he began to sing acapella however, his front was lit up slightly, so that every emotion could be captured, but not too bright that it slit the quiet, hushed atmosphere. From there, he steadily lifted the microphone to his lips and brought his melody into the empty air. And then, for just a moment, time seemed to stop. The words that had so effortlessly left his lips earlier now seemed so hard to sing, almost choking. The reality that had shaped his lyrics, that had shaped him, were beginning to dawn upon him, and he could feel tears gathering at his eyes, though he was determined not to cry. Camera 10 took a close-up of his face from the side, a light behind almost obscuring his face entirely. However, from this angle, his face could be seen slightly wavering as lyrics left his lips. He had almost whispered them, the silence straying him from the high of song. However, he sang them, no matter how much effort it took, his voice slightly raw and whispered. The moment seemed to last a lifetime or two, as each word took his all from him. A steadicam took yet another close up, his eyes fixed on the camera and yet, they were looking someplace else, someplace beyond the lens of the camera. His normally warm, dark brown eyes were like a vast space, with an infinite depth to them that held no other side. As he began to sing the line, "Someday you'll smile at the life you've lived", the guitar joins the soundscape, the warm timbre comforting him immediately. Moreover, upon the pitch black LED screens, only painted by a single moon behind him, stars began to sparkle once more. However, they appeared only gradually, and unlike before, without the presence of other lights, such as the spotlights, allowing them to shine without being outshined. With camera 2 continuing to zoom into his face, his eyes finally meet the camera, and the camera alone, a slight smile painted upon his face. He stood mostly still as he softly sang the words, as if he were singing a lullaby. As the camera zoomed in, it was clear that his smile was one of happiness, yet also of sadness. Regret of his own life. As if he had wished that someone had sung this to him when he needed it most. And yet, here he was. Singing his song to those who needed it most. Perhaps, his own experience of self-hatred had weathered him into something beautiful, the song, this performance, the result of his life.
And though you want to start again
You have one life you can't reset
And in the glimmer of an eye, it all can end
Someday you'll smile at the life you've lived
But until then
The world will always forgive you
And if not then
At least forgive yourself
As he sang the final two lines, the tempo of the song began to slow, his voice near whispering the final lyrics as he felt himself choke up with tears. And yet, his earnest smile persevered as he sang the final note, lit up by a golden moon and her children, the stars, his eyes closed as the final note filled the arena with the honey of his voice. Finally, the note ended, fading into the air. The camera then faded into the next shot. As the final instrumental began to play, the spotlight faded so that he was a mere silhouette obscuring the radiant moon behind him, his head lowered as his hands slumped off the microphone and clasped together, touching his lips. As he did so, camera 7, which had been zoomed in on him, now very slowly zoomed out, letting the audience at home have plenty of time to take in the sheer beauty of the staging, the moon and the stars crowning Zadkiel's shadow as he stood upon the stage, the reality of the performance striking him like the cold hiss of the sea. Then, as soon as the performance had begun, the song came to a close, the ending shot of his silhouette amongst the moon and the stars with all the beauty and grace of a renaissance painting. And silence filled the air, only to be interrupted by the cheers of the audience as the performance came to a close. The arena lighting up to normal once more, Zadkiel stepped to the front rather shakily, tears on the brim of his eyes as he attempted to be professional. Giggling, he raised the microphone once more and said, "Thank you Aryonk! Thank you, thank you so much! Mua! I love every single one of you!" before bowing for more than a moment, lifting his head, taking in the support of the audience with a big smile. Blowing kisses to the crowd, he walked off, letting Northern Beepee take the stage.
He had done it. For himself.