43. _Tödlichebujoku_
What am I to do with a problem like Vachec?
Maybe they were right for saying we would burn in the world below.
It sure feels like it right now.
There is no easy way out. F A U L I G E K A I K O B U ,
T Ö D L I C H E B U J O K U
Lahya Salo hurried through the narrow hall outside her apartment with the shopping bags, hoping to get everything all set up for the get-together before people came. Her boyfriend Vachec, just back from university, sidled up to the doorway just after she made her way inside. Already harried as she was, the moment she noticed him stop and inhale, she could sense the storm that was about to strike. Aware that he could soon very well be her
ex-boyfriend instead, what with the recurring pattern of behavior over the years wearing on her to her breaking point, she made a point not to notice as she began unpacking the bags and distributing their contents. But of course, it didn't save her from the inevitable.
"I just don't understand why it's so hard to do something simple like wipe down the windows and make the place clean before they come! You know that I hate it when things aren't perfect, I really do, so this day has already been completely ruined from the start and it's all been your fault. Really, it is
so easy to clean up, and arrange the furniture to a proper and efficient orientation, and I simply don't get why you never do it. You must be trying to provoke me at this point, seeing how far you can stretch my limits before I snap. Do you find some sort of twisted enjoyment out of this??"
"Excuse me? Are we doing this again? This is supposed to be a
happy occasion, can you please stop trying to destroy the event before it even begins? This is literally just a friendly get-together with old friends, no one else
cares if the windows aren't spotless or the furniture's a bit dusty or oddly placed or the house looks lived-in! And besides. You've brought up your 'clean freak' act only like twice before, I get where you're coming from but it always seems like you pull that out whenever it suits you so you can get the upper hand in an argument. Please stop overreacting like this because I can see through your words."
"Now
I'm the bad guy, huh?? It's
your damn fault that everything has gone to shit and I do
NOT want to see you weasel your way out of it- you know full well how much I care about these gatherings. You keep doing this and I KNOW you are still not over our fight from two years ago, it's why you've been acting up against me and talking behind my back all this time. I look at your face and I can just see your malicious little smirk whenever you think I'm not looking. There's literally no other explanation."
"What? Why do you keep bringing that up? That fight is ancient history and if there's anything I'm reacting to now it's your asshole behavior every time you open your mouth. And honestly do you really think I think about you every moment of every hour, enough to do an evil smirk constantly behind your back? I get that this is important to you because you have pretty much nothing left but us, but you have to realize you are
not the only person who matters here, and I'm not the only one in our group who's tired of having to bend to your every whim. I didn't mind back before when we started dating... but now that I'm getting less and less deluded by love, it is truly getting on my nerves. Literally from the way that you talk, it seems that you think you are the center of the universe and everything has to do with you, and it's sickening."
"What on earth are you talking about? Are you just pulling this out of your ass because I KNOW you are trying to pull me down and bash my face into the dirt. I am not an idiot, I am not blind, I can
see when the tables are being turned against me and I KNOW you are involved. I won't stand for this slander against me- you know I will post this so
everyone can see your true, rotten self."
''Go ahead! Everyone already knows you're full of shit. When you called Vilmantee an entitled attention whore at her own birthday party? But you turned every gathering into a 'what's new with Vachec' session for six whole months?! Yasuke was so sick of it he was literally about to leave the group until I reached out to him. And Harvini mentioned at a prayer circle last month that he felt the same. Varjovia told me she was about two steps away from smacking you off the cliff when we were camping at Tuntiyanranta, and we all know that Torigo actually did slap you this last equinox festival when you found out someone else was making plans for the trip and threw a tantrum, and honestly it was so deserved. I think I've heard an apology come out from you
once in our whole time together. I've tried covering for you, and I've tried telling you, but no! You would never listen."
"And you're just telling me all of this now???" Vachec stared in disbelief, as if hearing this for the first time, before clenching his fists, shaking. Lahya stared off into the middle distance, dying inside as her point was proven, as Vachec's tone turned into a low growl. "So everyone hates me. Okay, if I'm really that horrible maybe I should just stop living and just end it all here. I should do what I tried to do a few years ago and just die. Does that make you happy? Will that solve everyone's problem? I could just get someone to murder me, maybe that will be best for the world. Hmm?"
"
Bitch what???!!??" Lahya stared agape at the sudden turn. With a few moments passing, Vachec took that as a hint to continue.
"Oh, no answer? So you
don't want me to die?? Why do you have to be so difficult? What will make you happy? Okay, let's go back to that bullshit you spouted about me wanting attention. Do I not have the right to expect
some attention and recognition for all the good I've done for you all? It only makes sense that I am relevant for that and I am shocked that you continually seem to forget my importance here. I am the bedrock of our group, despite all that talking behind my back that happens every day. You are all just so ungrateful."
"I have no idea how the fuck that related to this conversation but honestly this is another reason I'm over this! I swear to the powers above looking back now there is literally ONE good thing you have contributed to our friend group and you DO NOT have the standing to accuse me of ruining things when you have contributed nothing of value to the preparations. Where were you earlier? Oh right, talking shit about your brother and complaining about something or other in your life that hasn't gone right. I'm sure you expected everyone to keep up to date on that as you do day in and day out, and I have news for you. They really don't! They all have their own duties and priorities and shockingly, you're not central to most of their lives. So can you please stop whining about every other thing that is wrong and actually try to constructively work to get things running smoothly?"
"So you are accusing me of being a useless paperweight? So it's true- maybe it is better for me to leave you all toxic fucks. Leave all that I've built for you all. Leave all that I've invested in. I've spent a whole 7 years with you all, never leaving you, and this is what I get for it? I might be rejected, but I am unbowed, I am unbent, and I will stay unbroken. You will not win this vendetta of yours, and I will not have my honor spoiled by the jealous venom of you and your lackeys."
"Does everything have to be that fucking dramatic with you? I know we've all bent over backwards to accommodate you over these years, and you've learned nothing from it but entitlement. Maybe you never noticed. But I did that. We did that. And honestly it is so infuriating to have to deal with your shit again and again when we all know you just don't care. Out here creating drama to distract yourself when your other social relationships go to shit, it's obvious and it is honestly so exhausting. Go then. Leave. I don't want to see your ugly shit ass face in here until you realize what you've been doing. But somehow I doubt that's going to happen."
"You can't just kick me out like that. Only I can decide when to walk out, you hear me? I will not be tossed out to the street like a common panhandler- I have dignity, I have honor, and you will never take that away from me. You can try to tear me down all you want, but I will never change who I am at your leisure. I have nothing to change, nothing that I can change, and you will all have to simply take me as I am instead of constantly scheming behind my back. Why do you all not just say what you mean to my face- I know I am sure to do so to you all, no shrouding my real opinions behind flowery phrases, no cowardly-"
A bag, weighty with belongings, flew into his face. Lahya had simply had enough.
"It's called civility. Maybe you'll find it outside. But I guess there's a reason they say there's no church in the wild, because you were clearly raised there. Either way, I'm over it. Goodbye."
"So you don't love me. No one loves me. No one will ever love me and my worthless, piece of shit self. You've won, are you happy? Kicking me out of the house like my parents did. Maybe they were right. Maybe I will be devoured by demons like they said I would be. And I deserve it, right? I was always a mistake, always a failure, and always hated by everyone. They've all always been trying to tear me down, and they've got to you too, I see. Everything has always been against me, all the powers above and below despise my very being."
He shook his head, tears glistening on his cheeks. His head bowed as he tried to stem the flow, he continued, shakily, as if trying to convince himself of what he said.
"But I am a fighter. I will be back. I always rise back up again."
Lahya had to close the door on him, literally pushing him out of the apartment, before turning the lock and sinking to the floor. Only after she could hear his footsteps fade away could she begin to break down.
She hated this whole dramatic game Vachec kept reeling her into playing.
She hated his tantrums. She hated his melodrama. She hated his attempts to guilt her into submission.
But it was over.
S T .
C H R I S T O P H E R ,
L L A L T A
Lahya gazed out the inn window absently, as the omnipresent rain pattered gently down the weathered windowpanes. She reminisced over the breakup, something she usually tried to avoid, but with her performance soon being about that exact topic, she decided it was high time to look back at how she made it here. When she left Vachec, and reconvened with her friends, it was surreal to do so without him, especially so since he had been part of the group since before they dated. But at the same time, and increasingly so as time went on, she and her friends began to feel a sense of freedom now that they no longer had to tiptoe around the elephant in the room.
Still, the relationship left a mark on her, a weight upon her shoulders, and so she took the opportunity to let it all out how she was trained to, let it flow from her emotions and memories down to writing and music, and soon she found herself writing a song unlike any other she had made previously in her career. After posting a recording of herself performing the piece on the matrix, a friend of a friend offered to provide an alternate mixing for the song, which she gladly accepted, and with the expanding popularity brought on by that she came to the attention of the TÖBUK WorldVision team. And after that, it really was a whirlwind of discussions, travel, and training. Lahya never would have predicted that her old training and skill set as part of ODSIT all those years ago would come into play so long after leaving the pop music industry, but it was a great help now in pulling off a performance worthy of her expectations, something different from what would be expected from her relative no-name status.
And she pushed herself to sell her song on stage, especially knowing how many people could be experiencing something similar to what she had suffered through, and encourage them to take action on the negative influence in their lives. If she had anything to gain spiritually from performing this era of her life in front of millions, that was it.
The stage is dark, the glassy panes reflecting the evening sky. There is something magical in the air- a hint of other energy present in the open field that would not otherwise exist in a traditional arena, providing opportunities for the Tödlichebujoki staging team. A single star shines on the background, flashing faintly to the sound of the muffled drumbeat, before a soft spotlight reveals Lahya reclining on a chaise lounge made of white daisies, surrounded in a garden of white flowers - lilies, dahlias, and more, with a clear path out to the audience, though one that is covered in a thin layer of mist. Dressed in a simple white sundress and a wide brimmed white hat, she is at first seen to be looking upwards, before turning to the camera with a challenge, the warm light soft on her face Do you believe, what I believe
Too many cuts borne when we're fighting
Do you want me to stay or do you want me to bi-ite?
The lighting turns to a cold white as she shifts her position, revealing bleeding cuts along her skin, one of which drips out onto a lily below her, which transforms into a blood red, almost black in the light, an effect which spreads to the nearby white flowers on the ground and the chaise lounge. She does not seem to notice, her voice growing icy and her gaze intenseWhat sympathy, what's there to see
You let the fire burn without stopping
I know you love the thrill when you got cold ni-ights
A breeze blows through the scene as Lahya rises from the chaise lounge, stepping forward, her tone softening as she gazes downward at the array of blossoms around her, most still white but some now red, brightening as the light shifts back to a warm tone. Lahya seems contemplative as she sings, wincing slightly at old memories and their undercurrent of pain, but steels herself onwardToo many years it's been I swear
Where could you go, no one knows where
But leave me tonight, keep me alive
She lets the last line burst out of her with energy, as she continues onto the chorus, accompanied by the stage's spotlight brightening and sweeping outward, a shot of the wind blowing from the back of the stage and clearing the mist from the ground ahead of her as she steps forward slowly, the camera view capturing her expression as she looks out over the audience before herDon't tell me you don't lie, count to ten and close your eyes
Chasing drama for the high, when you're empty inside
So free me from the dark, keep your hatred and your snark
Let me live my life unharmed, keep your shadow away, oh
The warm spotlighting quickly fades away as Lahya sings the next verse, replaced by a soft cold light and some faint flakes of snow drifting down around her. She has her arms and legs clenched close to her body as if cold, and glares out toward the audience, more flowers slowly reddening behind her, but in the cold bluish light really seeming like they are blackeningDo you receive, you even see
My frozen daggers when I know you're lying
You always need to win and make yourself look ri-ight
Her faces twitches slightly, before letting the suppressed fury rise into view, her breaths just noticeably ragged in quiet rage. She gazes directly into the camera view, not faltering, as in the background more and more of the white garden darkens to red, at a rather notable pace. A dark smoky mist begins to emanate from the blood red flowersYou come to me, complain to me
Anything off and you come back all whining
Is there anything left to live for in your sad li-ife?
She sighs and turns away as the lights slowly warm back up and the snow disappears, her body relaxing as if it too were thawing. Lahya takes a match out and lights it, gazing at it before lighting a white candle on a nearby marble pedestal as she sings. The garden around her is now almost all red, almost shriveled looking, allowing for Lahya to stand out from the background with her white dressToo many years it's been I swear
Where could you go, no one knows where
But leave me tonight, keep me alive
She throws the match into a nearby patch of red flowers and they erupt into flame, the fire rapidly spreading around the back of the stage so that both sides are aflame, including the chaise lounge of now-red daisies. Backed by this inferno, Lahya launches into the chorus, her feet taking her almost to the edge of the stage, the wind around her whipping her sundress about, pure white spotlights on her as she grips the candleholder tightly and sings with passionDon't tell me you don't lie, count to ten and close your eyes
Chasing drama for the high, when you're empty inside
So free me from the dark, keep your hatred and your snark
Let me live my life unharmed, keep your shadow away, oh
The wind dies down, and the fire is no longer as intense, dying down to a number of relatively small flames scattered about the remains of the garden on the stage. The lighting too dies down to a soft cool glow, the candle's warm light illuminating Lahya as she kneels down at the edge of the stage, eyes closed as the camera zooms in for an intimate momentI've tried to tell you this, but you don't care
Your head full of dreams but an inward stare
And I tried to help you out, but you don't care
You don't care
She stands up and flings the candle back into the garden, right at the chaise lounge, as the fire and wind rise back up and the spotlights suffuse the stage in a golden glow, the flames rising ever higher as they are fueled by the strong wind. Lahya stands at the edge of the stage, leaning against the wind, as golden pyros rain down behind her upon the destruction, the camera view swinging by her and taking in the whole sceneYou broke me all apart, tell me who you think you are
To be playing with my heart while you watch from afar
So free me from the dark, keep your hatred and your snark
Let me live my life unharmed, keep your shadow away, oh
Oh
The lighting and music die down, the wind now a light breeze, the fire now glowing embers, as Lahya sings softly and turns slightly to regard the ashen scene behind her, almost as if in shock, but then turns back with a look of resignation, as if this was always meant to happen anyway. The rest of the audience, the flashy pyros and fire and wind all seem to be long gone as it is just now Lahya with the devastation left behind, the camera shot close in on her face and covering the embers beyondSo free me from the dark, keep your hatred and your snark
Let me live my life unharmed, keep your shadow away
Oh…
Shakily breathing, she bows her head forward, eyes closed, as the lighting on her fades out. Behind her, the camera view then zooms in on the stage, the place where the red staining first began, where amidst the ashes there is a single green sprout rising out of the destruction"Kiitos, thank you Llalta!" she breathed into the mic as the audience applauded. "Stay safe, stay strong, and take care of yourself," she added, before executing a swift little bow and exiting the stage. The ash left behind soon dissipates and the stage itself is undamaged.