The following is a transcript of the popular (and only) Roman news show ‘Good morning Romae!’
Provided by the Roman bureau for cultural tolerance, understanding and working out what those funny foreigners want-Lupus: Salve citizens and hail Caesar. Im Appius Flavius Lupus
Cornelia: Im Cornelia Plautia
Together: and you’re watching ‘Good Morning Romae!’
Lupus: Our top story today: Disaster as the entire crew of the experimental A.R.S.E. shuttle Patiemur dies following extensive radiation exposure.
Cornelia: A sad day, but at least they died quickly.
Lupus: Actually Cornelia, A.R.S.E. Central Command reports that it took many of them as long as three hours to die despite their internal organs melting.
Cornelia: Ha ha you said it Lupus. Live from outside Central Command headquarters in Ravenna is GMR’s own Julianus Lollius Galenus. Over to you Galenus
Galenus: Thanks Cornelia! It was reported that this morning at 0200 hours the Multi Spatial shielding failed expositing it to harmful solar radiation killing all twenty five Roman and Asgarthian crewmen and probably some slaves as well. I'm here with A.R.S.E. spokesman Praetorian Prefect Flavius Marius Otho. Prefect, what is the official position on the accident?
Otho: Well what we had here was a classic example of technical failure. The shuttle got far too close to the sun and overloaded its shielding, once it went offline there was no hope of the crew surviving. Their names will of course be engraved on the A.R.S.E wall of heroes which, as of this morning, is now four walls and a small extension.
Galenus: Brave heroes all. But Prefect; what was a shuttle doing so close to the sun in the first place?
Otho: The Patiemur was gathering scientific information about possible medical and scientific uses of certain types of solar radiation the sun emits.
Galenus: but how do you respond to the claims that the shuttle was attempting to install a refractor capable of directing intensive solar radiation at entire cities, say in Illyria?
Otho: Those rumours are just that i'm afraid. They should be dismissed as vile enemy propaganda attempting to undermine the good reputation of A.R.S.E. and our glorious Imperator. Hail Caesar!
Galenus: yes hail Caesar! But the evidence from…
Otho: Say Galenus, how’s the family?
Galenus: errr just fine Prefect… no more questions. Back to you in the studio.
Lupus: Thanks Galenus, hope you get better soon!
Galenus: Better? I don’t… oh no please, in the name of Jupiter no!
(muffled thumps, shouts and screams)
Cornella: That was Julianus Lollius Galenus. Reporting live.
Lupus: In sports news, Caesar’s eldest son, Gaius Octavius Nero, will later be officiating the 3rd day of gladiatorial games in honour of his birthday. The sacrifices at the temples of Mars and Jupiter will be performed live in an hour. So be sure to stay tuned for that!
Cornelia: Well Lupus if they’re even half as good as yesterday’s i'll be pleased. I hear they’ll be making POW’s fight lions today.
Lupus: We can only hope!
Cornelia: Anyway, in financial news; the arms boom has continued to expand as the Red Rain continues with no end in sight. Good news for those with stocks in the arms industry. Remember, support the valiant Legions… or else.
Lupus: The markets also report a dramatic rise in the stock prices of Apollo tech, a company whose primary produce is reinforced reflective glass. When GMR inquired as to this recent increase the CEO hurriedly assured us that it was nothing untoward and to please stop asking as he ‘literally had a gun to his head’.
Cornelia: Ha ha what a joker! In other news the Imperial Palace has reported to the senate that the Legio XXIV Tarrus has completed its campaign against the dastardly Fututi tribes, that lurk on the borders of our beloved Imperium. With us on the sofa today we have the Imperial Secretary for War Primus Calpurnius Silus. Secretary a pleasure to see you.
Silus: Thank you Cornelia, it's good to be here again.
Lupus: Now secretary what can you tell us about the campaign?
Silus: Well the Senate received intelligence that the border tribes were amassing and arming themselves for war. So we had no choice but to send in 500’000 highly armed and trained soldiers to subdue them.
Lupus: How were they arming themselves?
Silus: Reconnaissance drones showed they had been stockpiling and sharpening various fruits and even some vegetables in what was clearly an aggressive move.
Cornelia: Oh how horrible! What will we do with them?
Silus: well the fruit pygmies are far too underdeveloped to make good slaves and too uncivilised to make good subjects. So we came to the conclusion they had to be exterminated so their land could be used properly.
Lupus: Well that's probably for the best. For our viewers at home here is a map of the legions conquests. Hail Caesar!
https://imgur.com/a/aE86BmRCornelia and Silus: Hail Caesar!
Cornella: Unfortunately secretary that's all we have time for today. Thank you again.
Lupus: That's all we have for you this morning citizens; but first we here at GMR would like to wish my colleague and friend Cornelia Plautia a happy 40th birthday!
(round of applause)
Cornella: oh Lupus you’re too kind…
Lupus: and we all wish her a happy retirement!
Cornella: what? Oh no you bastard! You’re not…
(Transmission interrupted)
Lupus: ha ha you said it Cornella. I hope everyone will welcome our new and may I say quite attractive co-presenter: Cincia Ordia.
Ordia: Thanks Lupus! Its a goodbye from me.
Lupus: and from me! Stay tuned for the weather and news where you are.
Transmission ends.