The Adab Times
MUSIC | WORLDVISION SONG CONTEST
WorldVision National Selection Ends as al-Salaman's Opponent Goes Mad; al-Salaman Confirmed as Adab's WorldVision RepresentativeBAGHDAD — In an act which has left much of the nation amazed, concerned, and befuddled at the same time, the first-ever national selection of songs for Adab's entry to the 53rd WorldVision Song Contest was suddenly brought to a close Monday night and Kinan al-Salaman confirmed - once again - as the country's torchbearer on the WorldVision stage by default after his only opponent - and the reason this selection was held in the first place - descended into madness and paranoia onstage, raising questions regarding his health, potential lawsuits, and the quality of water supply at the venue.
Uday Hussein, Governor of the Prefecture of Iraq, hastily climbed to the stage at the Ahmed Hassan al-Bakr Memorial Convention Center at 9:14 p.m. local time and took over the microphone - and control of the event - from the hosts to declare the Adab WorldVision Song Challenge closed and Mr. al-Salaman the country's representative to WorldVision after Enlil Haider launched into a lengthy diatribe which, by all accounts, shocked and amazed the packed hall with its dramatic boasts and death threats and has been described by one critic as "an unprecedented moment in the history of Adabian television."
In an unprecedented occurrence, Mr. Haider, a rising hip-hop artist whose single "High Hopes in Lowly Ghettos" is currently no. 1 on the Official Singles Chart, issued an open challenge to Mr. al-Salaman for Adab's WorldVision baton six weeks ago, declaring in a written statement that "young Adabian artists are tired of al-Salaman refusing to offer others the chance at competing on WorldVision" and that "al-Salaman seems determined to make it seem to the whole world that he is the only Adabian artist worthy of international fame and recognition." (In his more reserved reply accepting the challenge two days later, Mr. al-Salaman denied all charges and accused Mr. Haider of "exaggeration without any proof whatsoever," but otherwise wished Mr. Haider the best for him and his family "with all my heart.")
He Boasted of Military Prowess and Spewed Out Death ThreatsSadly, Mr. Haider will now have to temporarily stay out of the spotlight - and the WorldVision stage - for the sake of his health, his chance to prove his worthiness to represent Adab having ended in shambles as he found himself undone by his unraveling mental condition in front of the very audience that he sought to win over.
Mr. Haider took the stage at 9:05 p.m., ostensibly to perform between two and three of his songs and convince the audience that he was the right man for the job; Mr. al-Salaman had been expected to have his turn immediately after Mr. Haider's and perform his own set of new songs.
Instead of being treated to Mr. Haider's hits, as had been widely expected, the audience found themselves witnessing a sudden outburst, the likes of which are rarely seen in a public event of this magnitude.
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?" he shouted at no one in particular to begin his tirade, much to the shock and confusion of the attendees. Mr. Haider then proceeded to walk and run in circles around the stage, spewing out profanities and declarations of greatness and conspiracy in rapid succession with a somewhat yellowed face and eyes wide open.
As silvery bubbles emerged from his nose, Mr. Haider boasted of being an Adabian soldier and graduating top of his class in the Adab Navy. Pointing at random members of the audience, he hoarsely declared, while wildly banging his chest with one hand, that he had been trained in "gorilla warfare" and survived numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda and other Islamist insurgent groups across the Middle East, notching a total of three hundred kills in the process. As the bizarre tirade continued, a confused Mr. Hussein hastily ordered the television crew to cut off the feed as a result of "extraordinary circumstances."
Reports emerging from the hall say that Mr. Haider then took off his shirt, ran to the wall, and started smashing his chest against it. Returning to the center of the stage after a while, eyewitnesses state that Mr. Haider pointed at a 15-year-old teenager on the front row, frantically shouting, much to the horror of the audience, "I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words." Mr. Haider proceeded to declare that he knew of no less than seven hundred ways to "decimate" the teenager either with his bare hands or using the "entire arsenal" of the Adab Marine Corps, after which the teenager's father jumped onstage and apparently tried to strangle Mr. Haider, only to be pushed off the stage by the younger and stronger Mr. Haider.
"That is not a man, that is a demon," the father, Adam al-Tikriti, stated afterwards. Despite pleas from friends and fellow attendees to forgive Mr. Haider due to his potential insanity, Mr. al-Tikriti said that he would file a lawsuit against Mr. Haider for physical assault in the coming days.
"That man hurt me and my boy, terrified my boy," he continued in an incendiary tone. "That cannot be forgiven."
Continuing after the assault as if nothing had happened, a teary-eyed Mr. Haider seemingly regained his senses - if only for a while - and begged the attendees to believe him, after which he stated that the Adabian government had been spying on them, citing "a secret network of spies" across Adab and proclaiming that "our IPs are being traced right now." Mr. Haider was then seen falling to his knees and banging his arms against the stage floor, at which point Mr. Hussein, along with security guards and some other attendees, rushed onstage and seized Mr. Haider. Mr. Haider was then taken away from sight, flailing his arms at the general direction of the audience and proclaiming repeatedly, "You're dead, kiddo," as Mr. Hussein called a halt to the proceedings and declared Mr. al-Salaman the winner of the contest.
Investigation Disproved Mr. Haider's Claims and Pointed at Bad WaterAn investigation was quickly held under the direction of Mr. Hussein, which soon disproved virtually all of the claims that Mr. Haider made during his tirade. The investigators, having contacted the Adab Armed Forces, were quick to announce that Mr. Haider had never been a member of the military at all.
"We can confirm that there is not an ounce of truth to his sayings," Mr. Hussein stated in a telephone call with
The Adab Times. "Those were merely the rants of an ill, mentally unstable man."
The potential cause of Mr. Haider's apparent mental instability was quickly revealed, thanks to a testimony from Mr. al-Salaman himself. Mr. al-Salaman stated that before the contest he and Mr. Haider were about to share a drink in the name of "fair competition". Mr. Haider apparently was the one who urged him to do so.
"I raised this glass of water and noticed that it seemed a bit silvery, rather not transparent, and it had a strange smell," Mr. al-Salaman said. "I was a bit scared, to be honest, and I told Haider not to drink it. Yet he drank it anyway, despite my pleas, and then my worst fears came true. It could have been me, indeed."
"Always be careful and say a prayer to God before you drink," Mr. al-Salaman continued. He called for an investigation into the water supply at the venue, deeming it potentially "dangerous and polluted."
The venue has not yet released a statement on whether they will cooperate on any investigation into the water supply or start one themselves.
Al-Salaman Energetic in Press ConferenceIn a press conference held an hour after the event, Mr. al-Salaman called for calm and asked all Adabians to join him in praying for the health and well-being of Mr. Haider, a "good and fierce competitor." Following a minute of silence and prayer, Mr. al-Salaman tried to strike up a heroic pose, declaring that he would perform to the best of his capabilities on his next WorldVision appearance and do the country proud.
"I am Kinan al-Salaman of Jabal al-Druze, and there's a million things I haven't done, just you wait. I will cross the sea on my plane and restore the pride of Adab on the WorldVision stage," Mr. al-Salaman declared spiritedly to the joyful shouts and cheers of everyone present.
"See the light as it shines on the stage? It calls me. Every turn I take, every trail I track, every path I make, every road leads back to the WorldVision stage," Mr. al-Salaman continued in excitement, energizing attendees of the press conference with pledges of loyalty to the country and the art of music.
"Who am I, you might ask? I am a man who loves my country, I am the man who loves the music, for it calls me. So I assure you, by God, I am not throwing away my shot at the WorldVision crown," al-Salaman finished, raising his fist in a show of power and leaving the press conference to the journalists' feverish chants of
I am not throwing away my shot.
Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 4:06 pm
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