Radio Fatatatutti News [closed]

[Fatatatutti]

Fatatatutti's largest air-freight carrier, AirBox, has announced its intention to enter the passenger service sector.

At the present time the national airline, AeroFat, is the only major domestic passenger carrier that flies international routes. The introduction of new flights by an AirBox subsidiary could considerably improve the convenience of tourists coming to Fatatatutti.

The Ministry of Transport has stated that there are no serious impediments to approval of the new service but ongoing safety requirements are obviously stricter for passenger service than for freight service.

There is no word yet on what the new service will be called or what kind of aircraft will be used.

Rumours that AirBox intends to ship passengers in boxes have not been confirmed.

[Fatatatutti]

Fat City played host this weekend to FishCon 2016, a convention for people who are obsessed with fish, many of whom were dressed up a fishbowls.

Featured events included a spaghetti fish Western film festival headlined by the Fish With No Name trilogy, A Fish Full of Dollars, Forty-two Dollars More and the Good, the Bad and the Ugly Duckling. President Fish, who is also one of our foremost fish actors and the star of the trilogy, was on hand for an autograph session and a question-and-answer session. Alphonse also made an appearance along with nine Lufthansa stewardesses.

In related news, President Fish is no longer the spokesfish for the Fish Brand Fish Products corporation which sponsors FishCon. He reportedly sold his shares when he found out where they were getting their fish products.

[Fatatatutti]

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is Joey Hunter coming to you again from Va'a Two. This time we're on top of the Marianne launch vehicle high above sunny Cape Carnival. We're not quite ready to go - the technicians are still busy bolting us on - but we're on schedule for launch in a couple of days.

"I'm here with my friend Mr. Fish who's going to be the first fish in space, as far as we know. We have his own little seat for him here. We're going to have to cover his bowl with saran wrap or something so we don't spill any of his water during the launch. He will not be doing any EVA, although they may do something about that with special effects down on earth. I've been told that he's going to play the banjo and maybe sing but we'll have to wait and see about that.

"The Remote Manipulator Arm has been installed. As I may have mentioned last time, it can barely hold up its own weight in earth gravity so we have to keep it locked down until we're in orbit. One of the problems that has been causing delays is that the locks wouldn't unlock reliably. Fatatatutians aren't very good with locks, apparently, but they tell me that has all been fixed now. If there's a problem on the day, I guess I'll have to go out there with a hammer and bang on it. Just kidding....

"The technicians are booting me out now - I think they want to vacuum in here - so stay tuned for the big launch. For now, it's goodbye from me and goodbye from Mr. Fish."

[Fatatatutti]

In an interview to be aired on FatatatuTV at a later date, former President Mickey Chang has suggested that maybe the office of President has become obsolete. He pointed out that before his term there was no President for several years and nobody seemed to notice. When asked about our current President, Mr. Fish, who is a fish, Mr. Chang said only that Mr. Fish is doing a fine job.

There is some question about the constitutionality of abolishing the Presidency. Until we figure out which filing cabinet our Constitution fell behind and have a look at it, it's hard to say what steps would need to be taken. It is quite possible, as Mr. Chang hinted, that the simplest course is to continue as we are doing now. We'll have to wait and see if there are any non-joke candidates in the next Presidential election.

Watch your local TV listings for the air date of the full interview.

[Fatatatutti]

The results of several recent by-elections have further confused the balance of power in Parliament. The Communists have lost one seat, the Socialists have gained two and the Social Democrats have lost one. This puts the Socialists ahead again by one seat.

Though the Communists and Socialists were previously tied, Socialist Prime Minister Schuyler Marmish and Communist Defence Minister Harmony Chang agreed in a private meeting that there was no point in making any Cabinet changes. Of course, it's Parliament as a whole that ratifies Cabinet appointments but they tend to follow the advice of the parties' house leaders.

Also of interest was the showing of right-wing candidates. In two by-elections conservative candidates received upward of three percent of the vote, which is something of a record. None of the traditional parties considers this a trend to be concerned about.

[Fatatatutti]

One of Fatatatutti's major publishers has announced that it will release a book based on an incident in the life of General Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina.

Although few details have been made public, the book is said to involve a shadowy character named Bannerman and a risky commando raid. When reached for comment, the General said that the book does have her endorsement and in fact much of it is in her own words.

The incident is believed to have occurred during the time period in which the General was on hiatus from the Army, after the collapse of the Crozet Region. At that time, the General undertook several special assignments for the government, some of which are still highly secret.

The book will be in stores sometime in the new year. A major motion picture is also believed to be in the works.

[Fatatatutti]

"Good morning, Fatatatutti. This is Joey Hunter coming to you again from Va'a Two in high orbit. If you look where your satellite dish is pointing, that's where we are.

"A little later today we're going to deploy our Remote Manipulator Arm and try to connect with that satellite. If your TV picture gets a little wobbly this afternoon, that's just me shaking the satellite. Unfortunately we won't be able to broadcast live then because we'll all be a little busy.

"Right now I'm rehearsing a scene with Mr. Fish. He's supposed to be swimming around in a ball of water but he keeps popping out of it and floating around the cabin gasping for breath, so I have to catch him and put him back in. I hope it goes better during the actual filming. The ball of water is getting pretty messy so we're going to have to put it back in the bowl pretty soon, We don't want a lot of water globules floating around and maybe shorting something out.

"uh-oh. There he goes again. Come here, you. Try to stay in there.

"This may be a scientific break-thorough - weightlessness causes fish to swim in straight lines. Or maybe they just need to bump their noses on the glass to swim in circles.

"Well, Captain Nick is trying to get my attention so I guess I have to go now. Keep watching the skies. We'll be back soon to let you know how we're doing. Joey Hunter, for Mr. Fish and the crew of Va'a Two, signing off."

[Fatatatutti]

A torpedo boat that was reported lost in a squall off the south coast last week has returned to its tender safely.

In fact, the T-34 experienced an explosion and fire that disabled much of its electrical and communication equipment. According to the Captain, torpedo boats use a black powder charge to launch torpedoes in case of an electrical failure. In this case, ironically, it was an unscheduled detonation of black powder that caused the electrical failure. He was not sure what caused the explosion but said that the Navy's Safety Review Board will be investigating thoroughly.

There were no serious injuries but the fire damaged much of the electrical switching panel, which had to be re-routed before the engines could be started, so the boat was dead in the water for some time. It is not known how long it will be before it is ready for service again.

[Fatatatutti]

"Good afternoon, Fatatatutti. This is Joey Hunter coming to you again from the Va'a Two orbiter. We've dropped down to a lower orbit so you might be able to see us now, twinkling like a diamond in the sky.

"The tests on the Remote Manipulator Arm went well. We've deployed it, grabbed a satellite with it and stowed it away again. Later on today we're going to see if we can deploy it again. If that works, the only other major obstacle is surviving re-entry. Our friends on Va'a One will be glad to get one of these babies and I'll be going up with them to show them how it works.

"Our crewmate Christy Kono went outside for a walk and she came back alive so that's a good thing. Mr. Fish has been looking a little green - weightlessness doesn't seem to agree with him - but he seems to be feeling better now. We're going to try to film that episode of The Fishingtons a little later on today.

"Captain Nick has been lobbying Mission Control for permission to try a water landing. I'm the only one who can't swim so I hope that goes okay. Mr. Fish isn't big enough to pull me out and he doesn't like salt water anyway.

"So sometime tomorrow we should be splashing down in the Pacific or wafting gently down to earth. Tell the cows and the whales to get out of the way. I don't know if we'll have time for another live broadcast before then so we'll see you when we see you. Adios. Sayonara. Adieu. Farewell. Laytah, bruddahs an' sistahs."

[Fatatatutti]

The hospital ship Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti arrived in Fat City harbour this morning to a hero's welcome.

Known affectionately as the Lucie T, the ship is leased to the Fatatatutti Relief Organization to provide medical services in disaster areas. It is here to refit and re-supply before returning to the Indian Ocean to participate in our upcoming peacekeeping initiatives. The crew and medical personnel are expected to have about a month's furlough ashore.

Rumours that the Lucie is due to be replaced by a larger hospital ship have not been confirmed. The Director of the Fatatatutti Relief organization, Sunny Choi, has pointed out that many of the areas where the Lucie has served are inaccessible to larger ships.

The helicopter carrier Pelican, which provides air-ambulance services to the Lucie, is expected in port within a few days.

[Fatatatutti]

General Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina was in the capital today for a series of events related to the upcoming peacekeeping initiatives in Africa and Asia.

Her helicopter landed on the carrier Pelican this morning where she was taken on a tour of the ship's air ambulance facilities. From there she went across to the hospital ship Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti to have a look at the medical facilities.

At noon she hosted a luncheon for troops returning from the Southland Sudan theater, many of whom will be training the new crop of peacekeepers. Later in the afternoon she helped to welcome new recruits to the Foreign Legion.

She is expected to visit some sick and injured peacekeepers in hospital later in the day and then attend a fund-raiser this evening.

The General's Air-Mobile Command is an umbrella organization for most of Fatatatutti's light infantry capability and, as such, includes the Foreign legion.

[Fatatatutti]

Car rental companies all over Fatatatutti are reporting an increase of instances in which vehicles are returned with the fuel tanks filled with rum instead of gasoline. The Tourist Bureau is warning people that these cases may be a result of what is known as the counterfeit gas station scam.

Tourists are the usual victims. Because of high fuel costs in Fatatatutti, they are on the lookout for bargains and may be taken in by scam artists offering fuel at less than market prices. Since rum is cheaper than gasoline and will burn in your car it is sometimes used to masquerade as gasoline.

Some warning signs to look out for: If a gas station is made entirely of cardboard, or if it has wheels, it may not be legitimate; if a gas pump is sitting by itself on the sidewalk, it should probably be avoided. Also, real gasoline is practically colourless while rum varies from colourless to yellow to brown and even red. Do not buy coloured fuel.

The best rule of thumb is you get what you pay for. While you can run your car on rum, performance will suffer and long-term use may damage your engine.

Tourists are also warned not to drink the gasoline.

[Fatatatutti]

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is Joey Hunter coming to you from on board the aircraft carrier Aggressive. I'm here with my friend Mr. Fish. He didn't seem to like weightlessness very much but he's like a new fish now.

"As you can probably guess, we made it down to earth safely. Our water landing went pretty well. We're all dry - except for Mr. Fish, of course. We're two or three days fast steaming from home.

"We're going to take a couple of days off and then I'm heading for Cape Carnival to get a Remote Manipulator Arm set up on Va'a One. Then I'm going up with them to show them how it works. It's working pretty well but it can be a bit tricky.

"So, I'll probably be talking to you again from Va'a One. You can see Mr. Fish on an upcoming episode of The Fishingtons. Check your local TV listings. I think our footage turned out pretty well eventually.

"So that's it from somewhere in the Pacific. Mr. Fish and I are going up to Air Ops now. They've invited us to watch the F-DRs coming in. Good night and pleasant dreams."

[Fatatatutti]

A vote in Parliament has narrowly defeated a resolution that would have named every street in Fat City Fish Street and every avenue Alphonse Avenue.

The resolution was sponsored by the Fat City Chamber of Commerce and based on the idea that every business would be able to advertise its location as the corner of Alphonse and Fish.

Prime Minister Schuyler Marmish spoke out against the resolution saying that, while the current system of practically no names or numbers is far from ideal, giving every corner the same name didn't seem like much of an improvement. Other critics questioned whether Parliament even has any authority over street names.

The street that Parliament is on has been called Fish With No Name Boulevard ever since the Fish With No Name trilogy of Spaghetti Fish Western movies came out. However, nobody seems to know who put the signs up. Half of the elementary schools in Fatatatutti will continue to be called Alphonse Elementary School.

Alphonse was unavailable for comment as he was busy licking the grapes at the Piggly Wiggly. Fish said only, "Bloop!" which some have interpreted as a blanket condemnation of the capitalist system while others contend that it was something about dead flies.

[Fatatatutti]

Unusually heavy rainfall, believed to be the aftermath of the typhoon that recently struck our south coast, is creating a danger of flooding for many isolated communities in the highlands. The Weather Office has not recorded such levels since the 1950s when the Army had to be called in to help sandbag in several of the hardest-hit areas.

General Marie-Louise Castro-Stalina, officer in charge of Air-Mobile Command, said that her Air Cavalry Brigade is keeping an eye on the situation and will respond if necessary with troops. In a worst-case scenario, civilians may be evacuated by helicopter. She added that communications and air transport have improved significantly in the last half-century so a repeat of the heroic march by the Tuesday Division should not be necessary.

In the 1950s, the 365th Parachute Division was called on to help some flooded communities. Their commanding General promised famously that, "We'll be there by Tuesday," earning the division its nickname.

There are no permanent flood-control measure in place because the rarity of flooding doesn't justify the expense and because Fatatatutti's environmental policies don't allow permanent alteration of watercourses.

[Fatatatutti]

Beef prices continue to decline in Fatatatutti, which is a good thing from the consumer's viewpoint but not so good from the producer's viewpoint.

Low beef prices are particularly attractive to tourists but beef consumption among native Fatatatutians is also on the rise. On the other hand, producers are complaining about the high cost of transporting their beef from the grasslands in the southwest to the population centers on the north and east coasts. Questions have been raised in Parliament about improvements to the Coast Road and extensions to the Cross-Island Highway.

It is not known why there has been a sudden increase in beef production in Fatatatutti. The island's largest producer, the Kalikimaka Brothers Ranch, has increased its production somewhat but there is also a growing number of smaller producers.

Most analysts agree that the price of beef and the supply will find their own levels eventually.

[Fatatatutti]

On tonight's episode of Alphonse and Fish, Alphonse gets the idea that he and Fish were accidentally switched at birth so he goes to the Fish family reunion. Hilarity ensues when he mistakes some of the family members for the buffet. Meanwhile, one of Alphonse's old Army buddies comes looking for help and Fish has to stand in for his pal.

Later, watch for a special episode of The Fishingtons. Tweed Fishington goes into space for some reason and is murdered twice. Weightless scenes were filmed on board the orbiter Va'a Two.

And stay tuned for the Late Late Late Late Show, featuring the sci-fi classic Alphonse Eats Tokyo. After his tragic death, Alphonse is rebuilt as a mechanical monster who, not surprisingly, runs amok. Two lesser-known sequels, Alphonse Raids Again and Alphonse versus Mecha-Fish, are available on DVD.

[Fatatatutti]

One of Fatatatutti's major computer manufacturers, the Pewlett-Hacker corporation, has announced the reason for the delays in the release of its much-anticipated budget laptop.

It seems that a problem in communication during the design period resulted in a price requirement of 300 USD being misinterpreted as a requirement for 300 USB ports. According to a company spokesman, the error was discovered when an early prototype failed to meet the size and weight requirements. He added that it probably wouldn't have met the cost requirement either.

Rumours that a prank by Alphonse caused the miscommunication have been disproved. In fact, the original emails did specify 300 USD and one USB port.

Rumours that the USB plug was modelled on Alphonse's beak are true.

Development of the budget laptop is now on track and it is expected to be in stores before Christmas.

[Fatatatutti]

If residents of Fat City have noticed more helicopter traffic overhead in the past few days it's because the helicopter carrier Pelican has been training new air crews.

The Pelican provides air-ambulance services for the hospital ship Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti. Both ships are operated by the Fatatatutti Relief organization and both are due to depart in the New Year for the Indian Ocean where they will provide medical services for several peacekeeping theaters in Africa and Asia.

In the meantime, the Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti is being refitted and resupplied and the Pelican is training replacement air crews. All crews and medical personnel on both ships are volunteers.

Training consists of evacuating simulated casualties from various locations inland and transporting them to either the Dr. Lucille Teasdale-Corti or the [/I] Pelican[/I] and is expected to take most of the month.