Invite Nihilism Into Your Nations and Your Hearts!

[Polynilhooters]

Because to do otherwise would be intolerant. If you are a namby-pamby liberal democracy who likes to pretend that you accept other points of view, if you condemn overt displays of prejudice so that others won't suspect you of subtly institutionalizing your own biases, if you "protect minority rights" as a codephrase for fearful appeasement, then you should strongly consider inviting a travelling missionary sect of Nihil's Witnesses into your country to prosthelytize to your addled masses. Let us take the niggling worry at the back of each of your precious citizens' minds that nothing they or anyone does matters at all and expose the festering gangrene of their mental wound to the light of day with the numbing, unfulfilling reassurance that Yes, that is correct.

We will systematically deconstruct the fabric of false comfort that your society is carefully calibrated to weave and rest upon, as a malevolent demon would recline on a hammock between two palm trees in Hell. We will teach your people that these false fears and false hopes—their collective Heavens and Hells—don't exist, and also that for all the seeming miraculous divinity of life, they may as well not exist either. The result is a reformed being that is either so thoroughly crushed by the realization of their meaninglessness that they become but shadowy wraiths of their former selves—totally unproductive, paralyzed beneath their apathy and utterly useless to society—or raging lunatics determined to cause as much suffering as possible in a final futile gesture in the struggle against mortality. Our missions end in mass suicide only half the time!

Invite a Nihil's Witnesses mission to your country today. If you don't, you're racist!

[Gobacken-Siddona]

IC:

Then you may call us racists, since we shall not issue formal invitation to such a group. Only half the time? Too much, sir, entirely too much.

If you dare come to this Republic and seek to spread this blatant, rank madness, those you send will be arrested for seeking to cause a disturbance of the peace and deported back home immediately.

If they resist violently, our authorities reserve the right to the application of lethal force. We will not negotiate.

- President Mónika Sultis

[Polynilhooters]

Shall we put the message in Derp and mark it Return to Sender with a thorny stick in the envelope to pierce their tender fingertips and incur excess shipping charges? Shall we call them racists, like they said we could? It's been a while since we've gotten to do that.

No! Calm yourselves, Hooters. Remember that all we strive for necessarily comes to naught, even teaching others to think the same. This is our first official reply from the outside world! We must treat it with care, like the fragile exoskeleton of a dead dry fly, lest it dissolve into dust before our very eyes. Compose a reply as follows:

You honor us with your direct correspondence, President Sultis. Too often foreigners interact with us through military proxies, down the barrel of a gun or the shaft of a particularly pointy stick. We would like to gently remind you that John Stuart Mill, doubtless author of many ideas that find sanctuary in your fair Republic, wrote that especially the ideas thought most ridiculous and banal would do far more to strengthen the arguments already thought correct through healthy competition—provided the status quo was well-defended—than they could do damage to sanity. If you truly believe in the solidity of your Republic's underpinnings, then the only reason you could have to deny the Nihil's Witnesses free access to your country would be a lack of faith in your citizens' resolve. Given the extent to which you have already entrusted them with the very essence of your country—its laws—through the social contract, you have no logical reason to deny nihilism a home. Unless, of course, you wish to plead common fear.

[Gobacken-Siddona]

IC:

I am not fearful, one who chooses not to reveal personal identity, but I am sensible enough to recognize a potential threat when I see it, and I have advised and still advise the Republic's leadership to maintain a stance as previously stated. You may come here as individuals, but efforts to spread this toxic doctrine will be met with hostility from the people living here, which may lead to riots and tumults. We can not allow this to take place.

For this reason, any such efforts will result in arrest, prosecution, and deportation, possibly following a term of imprisonment.

If some private institution does invite you to come and...prosthelytize before them in any official capacity, you may do so only so long as they will have you, following which it is the ruling of this government that you must either stay here but as private citizens without your quasi-religious mission, or depart at once.

For the moment, the University of Bielsko-Biała's School of Political Sciences invites you to send one- and only one -representative to explain your doctrines to assembled students in normal class assembly once daily for a period of thirty days.

In addition, Her Most Serene Highness the Princess Karolina Pelagia Luiza Renata Gdańsky, child of Siddona's reigning sub-national Grand Duke, has invited one representative to come and join with her private entourage for an indefinite number of days, just to learn what it is you people have to say.

In both cases, we remind you that the representative may stay in a formal capacity only so long as he is welcome by the host, and must leave when told to go on his way.

- President Mónika Sultis

[The Adrian Empire]

The Adrian Empire hates only one thing more than hippies and that's nihilists, you won't find any fertile ground here, and we make no apologies to our minorities, they have the same rights, the same privileges, and the same responsibilities, they have had so since the founding, we afford no special status to any man or women based on ethnicity, religion, or gender, for all who earn their citizenship are equal.
Apathy as no place in our country and I ask you kindly to never send any of these witnesses to our land.

[Polynilhooters]

To President Sultis (written in a primitive ink made from the dried and powdered corpses of insects, on the back of the envelope the President's reply came in):

Apologies for not introducing ourselves with more appropriate decorum! We are the Hooters of Polynihilia, so called because the word for “diplomat” in our tongue translates universally to “owl that hoots at the sun.” We do not distinguish independently amongst ourselves because our independent physical forms are but temporary fluctuations of the same infinite energy from which all form is derived, momentarily cursed with complexity, consciousness, and an existence that precedes essence. As our physicality is sure to return to the fold of infinity, we do not bother marring the disorder of things in the meantime with pretenses of meaningful individuality. Our acceptance of the authentic world—indifferent, soulless, entropic, and an unending torture to the conscious mind until it is put to final, unthinking rest—is doubtlessly informed by the crushing hopelessness of living on any one of the useless specks that comprise our inhospitable Pacific archipelago. Those that live in other conditions, and believe in anything because of it, must be set right: there is nothing but pain in the world and it is inescapable. What passes for Polynihilia's businessmen are slightly more optimistic; they also accept general hopelessness, but hope to at least make a little money in the meantime. Same for our military; they are always making funny things that make us smile a little before despair slithers back into our minds and curls up there like a reptile with cold, thorny black scales.

Though the outside world's concept of laws strike us as a quaint construction, we understand the need to follow them while visiting the spots of land that other countries pretend is “theirs,” or else we would never be able to spread our message. We will therefore send two of our most promising young Hooters to your nation with this reply, one to speak at the School of Political Sciences and the other to join the entourage of the woman whose incredibly long title is outpaced only by her exhaustingly long name. In return we would appreciate a profile of each place or person along with a profile of your country in general so we can get a better idea of where we have sent our Hooters off to.

To Emperor Argentis (written in the same form as above):

You misread us as apathetics, good sir, for we are ambitious nihilists! Elsewise we would not be attempting to spread the Bad News. We ask you only to ruminate on this and reconsider your moratorium.

[Siloin]

Siloin was founded on religion, heretical sir, and we would not give up our roots and beleifs to as saucy an individual as you, sir. In fact, if your "missionaries" (you taint the word, good sir), set a foot in Siloin, they will be put back on the boat where they disembarked!

Good Day, Sir!
High Inquisitor Slaven Ceaser