Pappa Nick P.: Plays the Crabulonex and Hangs in the Grotto

[Crabulonia]

'So any uneducated Fascist assassins might be forced to use their brain to succeed in anywhere near getting a shot?' stated Alejandro, 'Oh and just so you know, I've got your back.'

Alejandro took off his seatbelt and turned around so his back could clearly be seen. There was a faint outline of an assault rifle.

'This is a specialised FN-2000 Assault Rifle, any sucker comes near me he gets full of lead,' Alejandro paused as he noticed a peculiar look of attraction in Pappa Nick's face, 'So are you quite the "gun-nut" then?'

[Grittonia]

''Well, the Driver has my full permission to shoot anyone who is a threat and yes, I like 'guns' but I guess you mean the real guns. Ehm, well I have a few at my mansion. A golden AK-47, a golden Glock...''

[Crabulonia]

'Huh.' briefly explained Alejandro, 'Even in guns you have a bit of style about you then. Can I have a bit more of that wine actually? I'm really getting nicely toasted right now, I swear it's last one till the camera's are rolling.'

Another glass found its way comfortably into the hands of Alejandro Del Programa.

[Grittonia]

''I have style everywhere. Drink up, go ahead. I mean, a man has to have pleasure in his life, doesn't he?''

[Crabulonia]

'I like a pleasure as much as the next man, perhaps not as much as you, but I'm at work right now technically,' Alejandro pointed out, 'There's no law in Crabulonia about drinking on the job as such, but at CTV they have limits. Apparently having paralytic drunks on air is not so great for business, particularly since Crabmorange Whiskey is a staple sponsor of ours.'

[Grittonia]

''Alright, I can get that. So... we should be near the Grotto, I guess.''
The Limosine slowed down a bit...

[Crabulonia]

'Yeah this is it, you ready for the greatest experience you'll ever encounter. EVER!' Alejandro then said, 'Not really, but it's pretty good and I've been told to big it up as much as possible.'

He resettled his suit.

'But seriously though,' he paused, 'It is the best place ever!'

[Grittonia]

''Alright. I'll trust your word on it. I've been to alot of clubs, but maybe this one will beat them.''
Pappa Nick P. walked in and saw...

[Crabulonia]

{Alejandro shows his interviewee in. The Grotto is full of prostitues and giggilos in differing stages of undress, as well as some of the biggest male characters in Crabulonia. It is divided into 4 sections done by colours, there is the GREEN section, devoted to marijuana consumption and growth, the PINK section, devoted to prostitution, the BLUE section, devoted to consumption and distillation of alcoholic drinks, and there is the BLACK section, devoted to purely business matters}
[Alejandro takes his interviewee on a brief tour, to get a look around all of the sections, bypassing the BLACK section due to it's dry content and humourless clientele. He offers him a seat and allows him to choose a section of his choice.]

[Grittonia]

''I get to choose. Well, if this wasn't filmed I would go for pink. You know what, I'm going to have some fun. Let's go pink.''
Pappa walked towards the pink section.

[Crabulonia]

'I should have guessed actually,' Alejandro said, 'But yeah, let's get us some action before we get down to interview.

They met with Kenneth, the pimp of the establishment, 'Shagging rooms are over there boys, take your action with you'

Several hours later Alejandro and Pappa Nick P. reappeared and began the interview.

[Grittonia]

''That was nice. I would say, please begin.''

[Crabulonia]

'Yeah, I'm most pleased with my action. Alright I'd say we were ready, cameras,' said Alejandro as he sat down at a table in BLUE section and ordered a drink, 'I'm afraid to say that our Crabulonian drinks may not be totally to your tasted, but I'd still profess that they are excellent drinks.'

Alejandro started drinking, 'So Pappa Nick, what do you think of our finest sexual orifices in Crabulonia?'

[Grittonia]

''Well, they are good. Wait a second. Waiter! One Whiskey.''
One minute later.
''Durdunka. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the sexual pleasures of Crabulonia. Well, as I said they are good. Almost as good as the Fantage, never found a club or nation who could beat the Fantage. Still, I would put this on second place.''

[Crabulonia]

'I'm sure it's an honour to the people of Crabulonia to have birthed the second best sexuals in the world of Pappa Nick P.' said Alejandro, signalling to a waiter for a drink, 'So have you got any other albums or songs working in the pipeline right now? I'm sure the loyal listeners of Crabulonia would happy to hear about it sneak preview.'

As the waiter returned, it appeared another glass of wine had appeared in Alejandro's hand.

[Grittonia]

''Well, I'm working on various projects. I'm working on a all Grittonian sung album with popular Grittonian Folk-music singer Nick Pruymboom, the one who did Grittonia's first WorldVision Entry. I'm also working on another album with the Funtime Girls, named C'est Moi, Mister Pleasure. I'm a busy bee.''

[Crabulonia]

'So I see you aim to remain proflific, now you mentioned Nick Pruymboom, did I pronounce that right? Sorry, I'm bit drunk, anyway would you like to impart any knowledge about Mr. Pruymboom?'

[Grittonia]

''Yeah, you pronounced that right. Well, he's a very popular Folk Singer in Grittonia. I guess he sold around 2.5 billion albums in Grittonia, something like that. Very nice lad.''

[Crabulonia]

'Well with your backing he may be able to crack into the Crabulonian market as well, you know about the widespread support here? Even some of our top military personalities. In fact... is that him? No can't be. Wait. WAIT. IT IS. Hey!!! Cabo Caballero!'
[A man walks over in military dress. He is decorated with medals on his left lapel, he has a gold chain across his uniform, and his top has epauletted shoulders. He has long flowing hair, a sheathed sword on the left of his waist and a holstered pistol designed by Henri Follas. He looks at Alejandro then walks his way.]
'Alejandro? Where've you been, and it's General now by the way,' he stopped to push a curl off of his face, 'Anyway how are you Allie, I heard you had some TV job in the works'
'Yeah man, I'm at work right now. This is Pappa Nick P., you know the number one selling artist ever?'
'Yes, I'm aware of his work, it's alright, mainly for the Cadets though, not much for me. I own his album but only cause my wife bought me it.'

[Grittonia]

''And you don't love it? I'm shocked! Sit down, I mean such an outfit must wear you down...''
Pappa quickly drank his whiskey.
''Waiter! Another one! So, how's life as a Crabulonian General? I know mine are probably eating stuff out of their noses by now.''

[Crabulonia]

'Well we're funded pretty well, sir,' said Caballero, 'Know men end up quite ravenous after a few weeks into wars sometimes. Often we have to send men on incursions into the enemy supply tent to steal things, Waiter, I'll take same as Mr. Nick here please.'

A waiter obliged.

'Hah, look at this,' Caballero scoffed.
'What's wrong with it?' asked Alejandro.
'The wretched cur forgot my usual three ice cubes rule,' he continued, 'That's grounds for a court martial in my force.'
'Quite severe punishments there Caballero, you don't have this sort of punishment among your armies do you Pappa Nick?'

[Grittonia]

''No, well, there is the wig-rule. No soldier may wear a wig, but you only get a fine. And there is the Hillbilly rule, which means each soldier needs to know the basics of atleast 50 Grittonian Dialects... But, hey what can you expect with 231 different Dialects. Still, there are almost no courts needed. I love all my soldiers like children, and they love me by behaving themselfs.''

[Crabulonia]

'Hah, equality,' snorted Caballero, 'I worked my way up from their level, I proved myself in many Crabulonian conflicts.'
'What about the original revolution Carlo?' asked Alejandro, 'Did you not take part in the fight for social equality and equal opportunity for all?'
'Yes, I did as it happens,' replied Caballero, 'And I live by it, but egalitarian forces are more difficult to use. Cadets are treated like crap, but thats the job they signed on for. They get nothing but disdain from me, while other soldiers are bravely fighting for their lives, Cadets took the pussy position of hiding back at the base, typing some statistics in a computer. The only Cadets I have respect for are Cadets who were ex-soldiers who became unable to work. In any case, I have a vessel for my seed waiting in PINK section, so tah tah.'

Caballero waved goodbye to Pappa Nick P. and Alejandro.

'Such a complex man,' said Alejandro, 'Treats regular soldiers and ex-soldiers in the proper Socialist manner but treats brainworkers like crap. Ah well. Back to you Mr. Nick, how do you rule your country? I hear it's a "Semi-Dictatorship", sounds sexy.'

[Crabulonia]

'Hah, equality,' snorted Caballero, 'I worked my way up from their level, I proved myself in many Crabulonian conflicts.'
'What about the original revolution Carlo?' asked Alejandro, 'Did you not take part in the fight for social equality and equal opportunity for all?'
'Yes, I did as it happens,' replied Caballero, 'And I live by it, but egalitarian forces are more difficult to use. Cadets are treated like crap, but thats the job they signed on for. They get nothing but disdain from me, while other soldiers are bravely fighting for their lives, Cadets took the pussy position of hiding back at the base, typing some statistics in a computer. The only Cadets I have respect for are Cadets who were ex-soldiers who became unable to work. In any case, I have a vessel for my seed waiting in PINK section, so tah tah.'

Caballero waved goodbye to Pappa Nick P. and Alejandro.

'Such a complex man,' said Alejandro, 'Treats regular soldiers and ex-soldiers in the proper Socialist manner but treats brainworkers like crap. Ah well. Back to you Mr. Nick, how do you rule your country? I hear it's a "Semi-Dictatorship", sounds sexy.'

[Grittonia]

''Well, it is sexy. I get to meet ALOT of people. I can name atleast 20 of my 'relations' who are ministers. Well, the Semi-Dictatorship system just means that I keep my Supreme, Me tah rulz maker powers but that the ministers make all the laws. And sometimes, those ministers like me long time...''