Wrath and Patience
Charlotte - Day
January 28th, 1957, 9:45 AM
Charlotte’s apartment, Near South Loop
The 28th had felt like a normal day, as Charlotte had looked back to the business of the week. The week ahead meant that everyone had business to complete as well, as they gathered more information on Carter and watched to see what might happen next. Rozalin and Charlotte had tried a variety of training methods, yet one had not come to mind until now.
“An endurance trial?!” Anselm had protested. “Why would you submit yourself to that? You can’t last the whole five minutes!”
“It’s to see how long she can hold the vision steady and how long I can respond without getting tired.” Charlotte sipped her coffee as she explained the idea as simply as she might describe the weather.
“It’s not a matter of getting tired, it’s a matter of possibly permanently going insane.”
“We’ve agreed to do this, just once. If it goes badly, it goes badly and it’s on me. Not on her.”
Anselm groaned, but nodded. “…You’re really honestly just…testing limits at this point.”
“Yes! How can she fight Heralds, monsters, and possibly Carter if we don’t gradually work toward understanding those limits?”
“…I’m going to tap her shoulder early if you don’t give me a signal.”
“And you can do that. If you think I’m at my limit.”
Anselm put his hands on her shoulders, and sighed. “Never careful as usual. Alright. We’ll do this ONE TIME.”
And so they settled themselves in the proper positions in the living room, with Rozalin facing Charlotte and with Anselm standing by Roz’s shoulder. He would tap her if ever she needed to stop, but for the sake of this trial, only Charlotte would give the indicator that she needed to stop. The absolute limit, however, was four minutes. Rozalin had set that and had ordered for Anselm to watch the clock.
“…Ready?” Charlotte asked her. Routine, nothing unusual, another round at it.
“Mhm.” Roz put her mask on, and she stared toward her friend once again. “Go.”
Those feelings swirled in Charlotte’s chest once again, manifesting out of her as if she had exhaled those fears into the open air. She gazed at a cloud forming her worst fears, until she saw what she had seen several times before.
Faint, unrecognizable figures on the ground, shifting from what she knew in her chest and yet still proclaiming to be them. Various people she loved, and yet the sensation was dull, even as the floor was a dark-red and the air smelled of iron. No, the worst started at about half-a-minute, when a figure walked toward her and stood about a foot away from her.
“Back again to see what caused you to be overwhelmed by hate?”
Charlotte stared up at the menacing, cold voice from her own self glaring down at her. Her reflection spoke with the same soft voice, and yet it clicked and turned with a wicked fire. Charlotte herself was still in pajamas, but her hateful double wore all-black, a suit as sharp as diamond, but as dark as obsidian.
“You know what they can kill. You know what they can take from you. So why don’t you fight back? Huh?”
Never did the vision ever say who “they” were. That point never mattered. She could always feel the anger filling her stomach, like water filling a sinking ship. She tapped her leg, her eyes occasionally flickering to Anselm to let him know she was fine. All of this was still an illusion. Sort of.
“HEY. LOOK AT ME.” The vision grabbed her chin around the first minute, and she could feel her own hand jerking her head to stare back.
“They’ll kill your lover, they’ll kill your family. They’ll show no remorse. They’ll leave you to cry. And you just keep a calm face?!”
Charlotte tried to think of the thoughts which anchored her from giving into such wrath. The love of her friends, her father’s warm welcome, her brothers and their various ways of fussing over her.
Frank’s arms around her, holding her scars, kissing her in the doorway of his apartment. The first time she felt that he did not want to let go.
“Are you DAYDREAMING?!” The vision snapped its fingers in her face. “YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO. PEOPLE TO KILL. THEY NEED TO DIE, NOW. FOR THEIR SINS.”
“…What are their sins, hm? Who even do you want me to hurt?” This time, Charlotte took a breath and tried a mental response. “All this time you have warned me about their sins, which I see, but whose?”
“WHOEVER I SAY WE’RE GOING TO KILL.” In these visions, her voice always rose to a growl which she recognized very well, and yet she shuddered to think of herself using such a voice. She had not used it in…a long time.
Charlotte turned her mind back away again. The temperature in her chest was rising, as wrath tried to take control. As the second minute passed. She could see the bodies more clearly, and yet they still were not recognizable. The dread of knowing the mystery behind their forms was enough. She turned her eyes and thought of snow gently falling, a farmhouse standing in the cold. Boots walking through snow, distant serenity wrapping its arms around her.
A slap across the face pulled her from her thoughts.
“STUPID WOMAN. You’re soft. They made you soft! You can’t be soft, there are people to kill! MONSTERS to kill! WE CAN’T EVEN CALL THEM HUMAN.”
“I do not want to kill right now. I will only kill if I need to.”
“AND BY THE TIME YOU NEED TO, EVERYONE WILL BE DEAD. YOU IDIOT.” Another slap in the opposite direction.
“No. I’ll keep them under my wings. As I always do.”
She thought of soft angel’s wings, though the ones her mind manifested were always jet-black. Her father would have many theological questions, no doubt. She liked them. And in her vision, she could wrap them around anyone she chose. She looked toward Rozalin, and then at Anselm. She thought of Evie and Bernice, and Frank far away. Black wings covered in snow.
Another slap.
“No man could ever love you if they knew what a demon you really were.”
A new attack. She had not faced this statement yet, and though she rose to defend herself, she felt the wind knocked out of her. She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling her shoulders tense. She was not afraid. She was not afraid.
“SO WAKE THE HELL UP BEFORE YOU DIE!”
“Charlotte?!”
Rozalin’s voice broke the spell as she had pulled off her mask and looked to Charlotte. She was slumped with her elbows on her knees, taking deep breaths, and gently moving hair away from her own face as she stared at the floor.
“…Hey, Char?”
She said nothing for a few moments. The previous times, she had popped her head back up to look at the duo and to smile. Yet now she could feel it. Her heart pounding in her ears. Her chest screaming no, no you were not ready for that one.
“…Charlotte?” Anselm walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder.
Now she looked up at him, and her eyes were exhausted. The hazel looked almost like a dull brown, and her chest heaved on occasion. “…How long did that go?”
“Three-and-a-half minutes. You were so far in it that you didn’t even tell me to turn it off, so I poked Roz to tell her to stop.”
Rozalin walked over to Charlotte and hugged her, not even delaying to ask what she had seen.
The red-haired woman returned the hug with one arm, and she put her face in Roz’s shoulder. She did not cry, though she found the soft sensation to be a comfort. A reminder of why she fought that wrath so intensely.
“Are you sure you’re alright? Do you want some coffee? Something to eat?”
“I’m okay, sweetie. I promise.” Yet Charlotte’s voice was more ragged than usual, as she pulled her head away from her shoulder and attempted to smile at her. “I wanted to do this.”
“You look terrible,” Roz muttered, as she helped to pull a little hair away from her eyes. “…Do you want to lie down?”
“Just for a little while, maybe. Are you okay?”
“I’m worried about you!”
“I know, Rosie. I know.” She hugged her once again, this time a genuine hug as some of her strength returned. But she could not remember a time when she was so happy to go back to bed.
Her friends let her go to her room, knowing that she had pushed herself perhaps too far for her own good. She had been able to walk and to gaze on her surroundings, but her heart was still pounding in her ears. Only when she got to her bed did she find the slightest chance of relief.
A deep sigh left her throat, and she covered her eyes with a hand. She could tell herself she was fine, she could tell herself that she was taking care of her friends. He was fine, he was home in his snowy wonderland.
“No man could ever love you if they knew what a demon you were.”
She knew all her worst fears, she thought. She had calculated them, she had understood them. She knew that voice of wrath and how much she had fought to keep it away. How much it screamed in her ears to kill, to make Carter Knight and everyone else she could find suffer. And perhaps she would get her chance to deal with him, with all the schemes everyone had made.
Yet that one sentence struck her much harder than anything else her voice of wrath had told her.
She uncovered her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Her eyes ached. Her body ached. Training with Rozalin was necessary, but took such a toll on both of them. Roz was worried for her, and every time she finished with a training session she felt as though she had gone a round or two with a professional boxer.
A shadowboxer, in her own case.
She felt tears fall down her cheeks, and she took a deep breath. That wrathful voice had called her soft, as if it was an insult. Yet Charlotte had never described herself as “soft”, and now she knew why. The voice in her head indeed knew her well, and she knew that she had never allowed herself to become so vulnerable, so emotional, over one person’s love for her.
More tears fell. She turned over in the bed, and she pulled a pillow toward herself, burying her face in it. She would pull herself through this fear. She had work to do. She had friends to protect. She had a lover to wait for, or to go see. Either way, she had goals and she had plans.
For now, they fell to the side as soft tears rolled down her cheeks and into the pillow.