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by Barapam » Mon Nov 01, 2021 2:25 pm
by Caliland » Wed Nov 03, 2021 6:32 am
Barapam wrote:"Ouh... Ouch, that hurt quite a bit..." KIM groaned as she regained herself. She was still on her feet, but had quite understandably aquired a headache. She gently massaged her forehead, next to the more sore spot where the can had hit.
"How bad does it look?" She turned towards James again, with a concerned look on her face. And also, more notably, with the can still stuck right in the middle of her forehead, like some modern art scrap metal unicorn. "Be honest."
Clenching her fists, she gave up an angry sigh and looked down the corridor. "Alright, whoever did this has earned themselves some serious disproportionate retribution! Come on, Jimmy!"
Through gritted teeth, she then stormed down the corridor as best she could with her injury (hopefully with James in tow..?). Luckily she was the creation of a mad scientist and could therefore backtrack the route of the missile, even an improvised one such as this one. She wasted no time (although she had to take a few stops to catch her breath, plus a toilet break) and soon found herself in Tom Harrison's lab.
"A-HA!" She struck a dramatic pose and pointed an accusing finger at the sleeping bea- er, researcher. "Here we have him! What do you have to say to your defence, you dolorous Dennis-the-Menace-impersonator!?"
by Talchyon » Wed Nov 03, 2021 11:38 am
Nova Catania wrote:Gordon turned Procyon's head to look at the ringing phone. The senile lady at the desk wasn't answering it.
"Grab that phone!" said Gordon to Joey.
Joey reached for the phone, almost hitting the old lady in the head.
"Got it!" he whispered, holding it up to Gordon.
"Hello?" asked Procyon.
"No, this isn't the head of HR, I'm actually looking for security." he responded.
"What's that? OSHA? I see, and if an employee could clean up the place in time, you'd, oh I don't know, promote them to their department of choice, no questions asked?" he asked.
Voxija wrote:Elise Gustafson
Elise Gustafson stared at the cyborg robot. She didn't really care about robots, unless they were part of a legal dispute, but she'd interacted with this robot a couple of times before. This company had sure gone to pot. Elise missed Paragon's glory days, when they actually made good stuff. But if Paragon Industries wasn't crappy, they would have discovered her secret, so Elise was sort of grateful for it.
"A robotic arm? Well, if I found it, I would've used it in one of my schemes. Probably killed someone with it." Elise Gustafson liked dark humor. At least, she thought she liked dark humor. Elise sometimes wondered if her humor was dark enough.
When the Succ robot asked if he (what's up with gendered robots, anyway?) could get Elise some coffee, she said, "Yes, of course." Elise liked coffee. She liked it dark, like her soul. God, that was a cliched line. She would come up with a better one next time.
Louisianan wrote:Talchyon has great comedic writing, that is true.
by Voxija » Wed Nov 03, 2021 1:04 pm
Talchyon wrote:She wanted coffee! And even more, she wanted Suxx-tron to be the one to GET her the coffee! She could have easily walked to a breakroom nearby (where, coincidentally, it sounded like another conflict was going on). But no! Suxx-tron was needed! Needed! A rush of electrical current charged through his circuits as he beamed with a stupid kind of pride. Suddenly, a noise! A noise like an old IBM loading and floppy disks formatting! And, while he had those too, this was something much different! The Suxx-tron 2000 coffee maker, built within! After a short time, a little bell went off. Suxx-tron punched a button on his abdomen region, popping open a microwave door. He reached in to hand her the cup. Dark. Dark and black. With hints of a rich French roast...
Only...
Suxx-tron's other arm chose that moment to detach itself, spilling the proffered cup onto Elise.
"Oh dear. Oh oh dear. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. Allow me to help."
From a compartment in his thighs came up a roll of paper towels. Suxx-tron's paper towel roll was another experiment in remote controlled sanitary dispensation. It had a few bugs in it, notable when the entire full roll of paper towel came unrolling all over Elise.
Suxx-tron's smile was long gone from his face, replaced by a look of worry. "Oh dear. Well, that should help at least..."
by Barapam » Wed Nov 03, 2021 3:32 pm
Caliland wrote:Tom Harrison
"ZZZzzzz" Tom snored, as he was sound asleep. But the effect of the caffeine was now over and he woke up. Looking up at Kim, he asked: "What do you want, commie bot? And what happened to your head?"
by Nova Catania » Thu Nov 04, 2021 7:51 am
Talchyon wrote:On the phone
Desmond Morrow
As Paragon's Chiefs Operations Officer, Desmond Morrow had the undesired responsibility of contacting departments at Paragon about the unfortunate upcoming visit of the OSHE safety inspector. But his first call - to Human Resources - had a bit of a hiccup.Nova Catania wrote:Gordon turned Procyon's head to look at the ringing phone. The senile lady at the desk wasn't answering it.
"Grab that phone!" said Gordon to Joey.
Joey reached for the phone, almost hitting the old lady in the head.
"Got it!" he whispered, holding it up to Gordon.
"Hello?" asked Procyon.
"No, this isn't the head of HR, I'm actually looking for security." he responded.
"What's that? OSHA? I see, and if an employee could clean up the place in time, you'd, oh I don't know, promote them to their department of choice, no questions asked?" he asked.
As the raccoons jostled the phone around and whispered, and at the conversation Desmond had with Gordon, the Paragon COO could tell something wasn't right. "Who is this?" he yelled. Frustrated, he punched the off button on his cell phone so hard his finger temporarily lost feeling. Of all the days to have crank calls, or rather, crank call receivers. Fortunately, the Human Resources department was the least of his worries. He had a lot more departments to get to. From the biochemical dept., the advanced A.I. mainframe dept., the nuclear dept., and of course, the dept. that made standard tinfoil hats. It was a stupid product, but it was a top seller and kept the lights on.
by Caliland » Thu Nov 04, 2021 10:10 am
Barapam wrote:"Hey, that's Juche fembot to you, fleshy imperialist!" the Juche fembot programmed to be gendered said, but still didn't quite reach the level of clever insults which the microwave possessed (seriously, he must be figuring them out in advance or something).
"And this...", she pointed at her head, "... is your fault. I got shot in the head, and my sensors indicate that the projectile came from here. Now, have you anything to say before I extract my vengeance upon thee?"
by Window Land » Fri Nov 05, 2021 8:17 pm
Barapam wrote:"Ouh... Ouch, that hurt quite a bit..." KIM groaned as she regained herself. She was still on her feet, but had quite understandably aquired a headache. She gently massaged her forehead, next to the more sore spot where the can had hit.
"How bad does it look?" She turned towards James again, with a concerned look on her face. And also, more notably, with the can still stuck right in the middle of her forehead, like some modern art scrap metal unicorn. "Be honest."
Clenching her fists, she gave up an angry sigh and looked down the corridor. "Alright, whoever did this has earned themselves some serious disproportionate retribution! Come on, Jimmy!"
Through gritted teeth, she then stormed down the corridor as best she could with her injury (hopefully with James in tow..?). Luckily she was the creation of a mad scientist and could therefore backtrack the route of the missile, even an improvised one such as this one. She wasted no time (although she had to take a few stops to catch her breath, plus a toilet break) and soon found herself in Tom Harrison's lab.
"A-HA!" She struck a dramatic pose and pointed an accusing finger at the sleeping bea- er, researcher. "Here we have him! What do you have to say to your defence, you dolorous Dennis-the-Menace-impersonator!?"
Caliland wrote:Tom HarrisonBarapam wrote:"Hey, that's Juche fembot to you, fleshy imperialist!" the Juche fembot programmed to be gendered said, but still didn't quite reach the level of clever insults which the microwave possessed (seriously, he must be figuring them out in advance or something).
"And this...", she pointed at her head, "... is your fault. I got shot in the head, and my sensors indicate that the projectile came from here. Now, have you anything to say before I extract my vengeance upon thee?"
"What are you talking about?" asks a drowsy Tom stretching to wake up, not really hearing what she said. "Hey, wait a minute, is that my gas can? What the heck did you do with it?"
Woodie Flowers wrote:If you’re anti-science, you’re pro-stupid.
Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote:I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Winston Churchill wrote:Democracy is the worst form of government – except for all the others that have been tried.
Free SpeechRandall Munroe wrote: I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you're saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it's not literally illegal to express.
by Barapam » Sat Nov 06, 2021 5:57 pm
Caliland wrote:Tom Harrison
"What are you talking about?" asks a drowsy Tom stretching to wake up, not really hearing what she said. "Hey, wait a minute, is that my gas can? What the heck did you do with it?"
Window Land wrote:James Anderson
As it turns out, the little bits of shrapnel came from KIM's forehead, but it didn't seem to matter- the crazy robot got up and ordered him to follow as she bolted. "I'm not... Jimmy," he called, although KIM didn't stick around long enough for him to finish. James then proceeded to sprint after KIM, although he wasn't very fit, so it was less of a sprint, and more of a run. And less of a run, and more of a speedwalk. And less of a speedwalk, and more of him gasping for air as he unsteadily lurched down the hall. Fortunately, he was able to figure out where he needed to go easily- both self-propelled air canisters and angry KIMs left an obvious trail of destruction that even he could follow.
Just then, James burst into the room, tired, sweaty, and out of breath. However, when came into the room, he saw the empty coffee pot and instantly perked up, composing himself quickly and slicking back his now greasy hair. As he went over and grabbed the coffee pot, he ordered "Tom, you broke it- now you get to fix it," pointing at KIM's forehead, fully aware had exactly zero authority over anybody. "Oh, and KIM- there's a lot of paperwork involved if you cause serious bodily harm to anybody. Just something to think about," he mentioned, as he left the room, ignoring whatever chaos he had just caused.
by Province of Cossack » Sun Nov 07, 2021 5:01 pm
by Talchyon » Tue Nov 09, 2021 6:13 am
Louisianan wrote:Talchyon has great comedic writing, that is true.
by Nova Catania » Tue Nov 09, 2021 8:21 am
Talchyon wrote:Little did anyone notice a small, mousy woman leave the restroom on the first floor, look around for a welcoming committee, and not find one. Nor did anyone notice that small, mousy woman making brief comments to herself. Nor did anyone notice the fact that the small mousy woman who left the restroom, who looked around for a welcoming committee, who had found none, and who had made brief comments to herself, also had a name badge attached to her dress shirt. It read, "Grace Henshaw, OSHE chief inspector." The timid, mousy looking woman found what looked like a map of the physical plant and shrugging, left on by herself to inspect Paragon Industries.
Someone was an imposter!
by Barapam » Thu Nov 11, 2021 4:07 pm
CHAPTER III
Oh, the humanity
Over the years many different ideas have been brought forth regarding the place of humankind in a robot society. Some argue that there is indeed no place for them at all, while moderates tend to advocate for slavery rather than outright slaughter. More liberal thinkers have proposed an alliance with the transhumanist movement, since that would (at least in theory) enable a peaceful assimilation of humankind into robotkind. It is my firm conviction that the only viable solution is
by Voxija » Thu Nov 11, 2021 6:11 pm
by Window Land » Fri Nov 12, 2021 11:20 am
Woodie Flowers wrote:If you’re anti-science, you’re pro-stupid.
Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote:I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Winston Churchill wrote:Democracy is the worst form of government – except for all the others that have been tried.
Free SpeechRandall Munroe wrote: I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you're saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it's not literally illegal to express.
by Caliland » Fri Nov 12, 2021 3:34 pm
by Province of Cossack » Fri Nov 12, 2021 5:32 pm
by Caliland » Tue Nov 16, 2021 8:02 am
by Talchyon » Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:59 am
Barapam wrote:Then it dawned on her. She didn't actually have to hide it, there was nothing illegal about the typewriter in itself. So she carried it back to her own desk, put it down, and went down to join Vanessa and the inspector.
"Ah, hello Mrs inspector! How lovely to see you! I can assure you there's nothing suspicious going on here whatsoever, yes, that's right. Ehe..."
Province of Cossack wrote:Oliver "Cyrus" Parham
As he walked into the office, Cyrus was immediately taken aback at the general noise level. What, for example, was that man thinking, singing out loud like that? It was all very obscene, he thought as he made his way to his office. Following the winding halls based on a crumpled map he had been given at the front desk, he passed several broom closets before arriving at a dimly lit corridor.
“Dark operations”, read the handwritten sign on the door.
I have never met people so plain
He turned the doorknob and stepped in. Immediately, a quite blinding fact came to his attention. Wait, strike that. The fact that the room wasn’t blinding was the fact. The only lighting was a lone table lamp on a rather gloomy desk accompanied by an equally gloomy, grey office chair. Shaking his head (at the fact that his new employers would advertise his trade so publicly, not at the lighting -- which suited him quite well), he set down his briefcase and took a seat, opening his laptop to attend to his own affairs.
Little did he know that there was a safety inspector who most likely would not take well to his office...
Louisianan wrote:Talchyon has great comedic writing, that is true.
by Barapam » Fri Nov 19, 2021 12:29 pm
Talchyon wrote:En route to the first department
CEO Vanessa Carlyle, COO Desmond Morrow, and OSHE inspector (?) Louise Grazowski
But then, their day was interrupted! By her secretary, KIM. Vanessa shuddered. This could not be good.
Vanessa looked at KIM, with her smile on her face and said, "Good morning, KIM. Are you joining us on our inspection too?" Meanwhile, Vanessa thought to herself "Please say no. Please say no. Please say you have work to do."
But the grumpy OSHE inspector sized KIM up and down with a squinted eye. (The other one stayed normal, which was a little disconcerting). "And what do we have here? One of your employees? Someone saying that there is no possible way you guys could have anything suspicious going on? RULE NUMBER 237! WHEN EMPLOYEES TELL YOU THERE'S NOTHING REALLY SUSPICIOUS GOING ON, AN INSPECTOR SHOULD GET SUSPICIOUS!!" With Grazowski scribbling furiously on her clipboard, all Vanessa could do was gulp.
Fortunately, Desmond stepped in. "KIM. I think you have work to do today. Why don't you go and work on filing those new patents we applied for?" The new patents were for the latest, greatest idea from Paragon. Video skin! Instead of watching a tv, or even better, a flatscreen, you could surgically alter yourself so that you could watch tv on your arm. The arm would be your screen! Right now, it still had some bugs in it. But that was to be expected at Paragon. The patent office need never know.
by Province of Cossack » Sun Nov 21, 2021 12:26 pm
Talchyon wrote:The timid, mousy looking inspector politely knocked on the door and said, "Uh, hello there. I'm the OSHE inspector, here to do my routine inspection." She fumbled around in her purse, looking for something for a few minutes, and then gave up and returned back just as empty-handed as she began. "Can't seem to find my recorder, so I'll just have to try to memorize what I see. Oh, shoot. Memory was never my strong suit. Oh. Oh. Can't be helped."
Giovanni Fellini just smiled as he watched the woman try to go about her work.
by Talchyon » Wed Dec 08, 2021 6:54 am
Window Land wrote:James Anderson, in the server room
Something was different about James this morning- it looked like he as doing something important. He wasn't taking a nap, or sipping coffee in the break room- he was deep in the server room, laptop out and typing furiously, as he tweaked with config files, updated drivers, and rebooted critical systems. James was making his weekly attempt to get his phone to connect to the wifi. You see, Paragon Industries was a cell service black hole. No matter the phone, or the carrier, stepping inside of the building meant you went from five to zero bars. Even sitting by a window wasn't good enough, you actually had to stick your phone out the window to get service. That wasn't normally an issue because Paragon did offer free wifi for employees. It wasn't very fast, but it did the job. However, there was one slight problem- James's phone refused to connect to it. Once a week, for the past two years, James added updates, modifications, and ugly hacks to try to get his phone to connect to no avail.
This was not the morning to be doing that though, because the room was full of OSHE safety violations, and Desmond Morrow was so scared about breaking something he had simply locked the door and stuck a sign labeled "broom closet" on it (it wasn't the only room hidden this way either- Paragon was primarily broom closets on inspection day). However, James wasn't fooled, and got a janitor to let him in, leaving the door wide open as he worked.
Province of Cossack wrote:Talchyon wrote:The timid, mousy looking inspector politely knocked on the door and said, "Uh, hello there. I'm the OSHE inspector, here to do my routine inspection." She fumbled around in her purse, looking for something for a few minutes, and then gave up and returned back just as empty-handed as she began. "Can't seem to find my recorder, so I'll just have to try to memorize what I see. Oh, shoot. Memory was never my strong suit. Oh. Oh. Can't be helped."
Giovanni Fellini just smiled as he watched the woman try to go about her work.
Oliver “Cyrus” Parham
Cyrus was combing through his financial statements when a timid woman knocked on his open door. Quickly switching to a general terminal screen, he looked up as the sad excuse of an inspector stumbled over her words.
“Oliver Parham, ma’am. Head of the...Cybersecurity department here at Paragon. I’m a new hire, but I hope I can be of service”, he said, buttoning his suit as he stood. With a slight kick, he shoved his bag under the desk; it would be optimal if the inspector didn’t see his HK-45 handgun in it. He looked past her to the heavyset man, whom he recognized as the infamous crime boss but maintained his pleasant expression.
Well, well, well
He would need to make a report to Marc about this.
Louisianan wrote:Talchyon has great comedic writing, that is true.
by Caliland » Wed Dec 08, 2021 7:08 am
by Window Land » Wed Dec 08, 2021 5:03 pm
Talchyon wrote:Done with Shipping, on to Servers
Louise Grazowski, OSHE (?) Inspector; CEO Vanessa Carlyle; COO Desmond Morrow - with KIM trailing
As her clipboard filled up with red marks up the wazoo, the perpetually antagonistic Louise Grazowski filled several pages on the Shipping area, before she harumphed and announced with a gruff voice, "We're done here. Now take me to your servers area."
Inwardly, Vanessa gulped. That was one of the most obvious places where the OSHE Inspector would notice some awful abuses of safety. The whole room was a fire hazard. It was one of the first rooms Desmond Morrow had posted his fake "Broom Closet" signs. If that's where this sadist of an inspector wanted to go, there was no way they would ever pass the OSHE inspection.
Desmond offered the only hopeful comment one could make in this situation. "Absolutely. The cafeteria it is! That's where our lunch servers work, all wearing plastic gloves, plastic hair nets, hats, and other OSHE-regulated food service apparel!" Not that the cafeteria was safe from the inspection as it was. Not only did the cafeteria workers regularly wear plastic gloves and hair nets. They also tended to wear full hazmat suits due to accidental radioactive leaks in their chili. Any Paragon employee foolish enough to eat in the company cafeteria had to turn off all portable Geiger counters they might be carrying, if they wanted to maintain a sensible level of hearing. Still, the cafeteria was safer to inspection than the computer servers room...
But Louise Grazowski wasn't having it. "Not the cafeteria, you moron! The computer servers room!" And she made another few red marks on her clipboard.
This time, Vanessa gulped out loud. She covered her tracks well, though. "I need some water. Excuse me." Then fake coughing, Vanessa found the water fountain - leaky - and took a long swig of lukewarm water. There was going to be no getting out of going to the servers room. Maybe they could stall. But something told her it wasn't going to work.
Vanessa came back, and hoping again that KIM would go her own way, led the OSHE inspector to the servers room... the long way. Passing several closed doors with signs on them that read "Broom Closet," as well as several other areas on the inspection tour, up stairs and down, getting more than a decent cardio workout by walking the long corridors, and taking as much time as they possibly dared, they finally came back to the same hallway they started in, and went to the room next door to Shipping where they had just been. The heavyset Louise Grazowski by this time was out of breath, huffing and puffing, glaring bloody murder at Vanessa and Desmond, and breathing as heavy as hippos making love.
Entering the wide-open servers room, they saw an employee typing furiously on a laptop. And wasn't that the employee who perpetually ran the break room supply storage into the red because he was never truly working?Window Land wrote:James Anderson, in the server room
Something was different about James this morning- it looked like he as doing something important. He wasn't taking a nap, or sipping coffee in the break room- he was deep in the server room, laptop out and typing furiously, as he tweaked with config files, updated drivers, and rebooted critical systems. James was making his weekly attempt to get his phone to connect to the wifi. You see, Paragon Industries was a cell service black hole. No matter the phone, or the carrier, stepping inside of the building meant you went from five to zero bars. Even sitting by a window wasn't good enough, you actually had to stick your phone out the window to get service. That wasn't normally an issue because Paragon did offer free wifi for employees. It wasn't very fast, but it did the job. However, there was one slight problem- James's phone refused to connect to it. Once a week, for the past two years, James added updates, modifications, and ugly hacks to try to get his phone to connect to no avail.
This was not the morning to be doing that though, because the room was full of OSHE safety violations, and Desmond Morrow was so scared about breaking something he had simply locked the door and stuck a sign labeled "broom closet" on it (it wasn't the only room hidden this way either- Paragon was primarily broom closets on inspection day). However, James wasn't fooled, and got a janitor to let him in, leaving the door wide open as he worked.
Vanessa saw James and groaned inwardly. Not him! Not on an OSHE inspection! This employee himself broke many OSHE regulations. But she sounded confident in her own mind when she said, "And this is the servers room."
Louise Grazowski's eyes lit up at the stripped and fraying wires attached to their servers, to the small electrical fire in the corner, and to James. The red marks increased by a hundred thousand fold... "Oh, you guys are in BIG TROUBLE just because of this room," she cackled as her pen bled onto the pages held by her abused clipboard.
Woodie Flowers wrote:If you’re anti-science, you’re pro-stupid.
Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote:I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Winston Churchill wrote:Democracy is the worst form of government – except for all the others that have been tried.
Free SpeechRandall Munroe wrote: I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you're saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it's not literally illegal to express.
by Nova Catania » Thu Dec 09, 2021 7:57 am
Window Land wrote:Startled by an evil laugh James jumped a little, knocking loose a cable as he turned and looked at the intruders. What he saw was a group lead by Paragon's CEO with a horrified look on her face, and someone, presumably an inspector of some kind, putting down lots of red ink on a piece of paper. "Uh, welcome to the server room," said James, uncomfortable in the spotlight. "Uh, hold on- you probably want me to put out the fire," he said, typing in a command that somehow remotely extinguished the fire. "If you want to come in, be careful- I'm pretty sure most of the east coast gets their internet from here." He pointed to a cable at perfect tripping height. "For example, that one goes to OSHE," he said and then pointed to a cable at neck height. "And that one goes to the white house. Speaking of which, Pinnacle Tech probably wants their internet back," he finished as he picked up the cable he had knocked down earlier and plugged it back in.
Caliland wrote:Michelle Bay
"Ahem, thank you ladies and gentlemen for attending my pitch meeting" began Michelle to the disappointingly small group of people, nervously reaching for the remote to play her commercial. She turned on the TV, and on came a scene of a beautiful countryside, when the TV shut off, and fell from the wall with a bang. Immediately, she knew her brother was to blame for this.
Mike Bay
The door to the room fell to the floor with a fireball around the edges (Mike had outfitted every door at Paragon with exploding bolts, in case he needed to make an emergency dramatic entrance). He walked through, unsinged. He then wheeled a cart in, with a projector on it. Turning off the lights, he turned on the projector, which projected at the blank wall. A big explosion was seen on-screen. Followed by the words "Paragon Industries, our products are explosively cool" in voice over as the screen faded to the company logo. Mike was proud of his explosive commercial, but was completely unaware that the product it was intended for, were electric car batteries.
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