A Comedy RP about less than ideal tech workers
(with thanks to Doughertania for permission to reboot)
Paragon Industries' boardroom
A Monday morning. 10:12 a.m.
CEO Vanessa Carlyle
Of all the days to have to go to work, Mondays were the worst. It was a day devoted especially to masochists of the worst kind, a day that meant you had to get out of bed and actually struggle to get over your hangover as you started doing whatever it was you did. Paragon Industries was full of "whatever it was" that people did, and the woman holding her cell phone lying down on the couch in the boardroom didn't know most of it and didn't really care. It would probably have been better if she did know and did care. She was the CEO, after all, and the company was her late father's legacy that she as the oldest sister now ran. That being said, Vanessa Carlyle didn't relish the job. The once proud tech giant had lost some of its luster. Yeah, they still made tech. Paragon still got contracts - kind of. But actually being in charge of a company that aimed at nothing and eventually got there wasn't as great a thing as it once might have seemed.
She was wearing a stylish grey pin-striped pantsuit with a red blouse and a simple gold chain around her neck, with studded earrings. Lying down on her back with her feet hanging over the edge, Vanessa scrolled down on her phone aimlessly, not exactly sure where she was browsing and not really thinking of it anyway. A stack of reports, carelessly arranged, lay on the floor by the couch where she had put them down. Vanessa was on her morning break. Actually, almost all of the morning that morning had been her morning break. Reports of finances could wait. They were always the same - just bunches of numbers that bored her. They were still able to sell their products, and they could still pay their employees. So who cared about market trends and economic drives? That wasn't Vanessa's strong suit. Going over those reports was always a labor of love for the Paragon CEO. And right now, she wasn't feeling very loving or laborious.
The door to the boardroom opened just then. Her Chief of Operations, Desmond Morrow, stepped in and gave her a knowing look. "Morning, boss," was all he said, however.
Vanessa groaned and sat up, knocking the pile of reports at her feet over and not bothering to straighten them out. "Hey Desmond."
"So, the plans for that new design are coming along. We're going to need a meeting sometime with everyone to go on to the next phase."
She yawned.
Desmond looked at his boss, knowing that she was quite capable of doing this job. But for whatever reason, it's like she was in the doldrums of creative thought. And who could blame her? People wanted things faster, smaller, cheaper, better. And Paragon had once been the company to bring them just that - along with tech that small nations and their militaries dreamed of. But now? Like a rudderless ship, Paragon was drifting, trying to keep up with other companies advancing much quicker than they were.
He tried to speak about the real reason he had come. "Boss, about the employees we've been hiring. You've been hiring..."
She stared at him with a flat expressionless stare. "What about 'em?"
Desmond politely coughed and said, "I think we've gotten really lax in our hiring policies lately... Or rather, for the last 4 years..."
Vanessa said, "I disagree. We have some fine, upstanding employees now. Like Connor Vale. Great guy. Brilliant." Surprisingly brilliant. She was still somewhat mystified how Vanguard of all companies had managed to find someone his caliber. Vanguard!
Coughing again, Desmond muttered. "Yeah, he's smart, alright. But how he can possibly work in that pigsty of an office! I'm surprised he can find anything in there!"
Vanessa spoke reassuringly. "But he can. Isn't that the most important part?"
Again, Desmond spoke, "And what about P. Lotor? There's something wrong with that guy."
"What do you mean? He's qualified."
Desmond huffed a little and said, "I don't know, but he's shady. Super shady. I've heard him talking to himself in several different voices. Like he had multiple personalities or something."
Vanessa shrugged. "I haven't seen anything to be suspicious about. I'm sure Mr. Lotor is a fine employee." To be sure, she hadn't seen this person at all, so what she said was true. Who hired him anyway?
"And then what about Tom Harrison? I mean, sure he's got a mind for obscure facts that don't always relate to what anyone's talking about. But how does that help Paragon?"
She took a drink from her soft drink and said, "Tom's a great asset for us. He's had some good projects already. Some great ideas." Some really tangential ones, too, that really didn't relate, but she wasn't going to say that.
Desmond continued his list of concerns. "And that Ron Jones. The guy's a total nutcase. Probably downloaded some kind of malware into his head one time."
Showing her teeth in a smile that made her look attractive, Vanessa grinned. "I like Ron. He adds flair to our company. We'll always have room for cybernetically enhanced employees!" Even if they were total nutjobs. There was still a place at Paragon for the mentally unstable. In fact, there were several openings at Paragon specifically for the mentally unstable!
Shaking his head, Desmond said, "And what about Gweb Dilbey? The lady you promoted to being head of the robotics department! Her ideas are the worst!"
Vanessa said, "Desmond, we have to give her a chance. She's earned it."
Desmond said, "She once tried to pass off a can of Roach-B-Gone duct-taped to a laptop as a debugging program!"
Grinning her attractive smile again, Vanessa spoke in her most easy-going voice possible. "I thought that was pretty funny, honestly. It definitely brought employee morale up."
Shaking his head again, Desmond said, "Vanessa. Seriously. I don't know who in HR is hiring these people. But there's a reason we're nowhere near where we used to be in sales! Or production! Or marketing! Or anything, really. I mean, seriously. I can't believe we still have Suxx-tron around. What a useless piece of..."
Just then, the conversation was interrupted as a humanoid robot with one arm entered. It politely said, "Good morning again, Ms. Carlyle. Mr. Morrow. I have coffee if you would like."
Vanessa looked at the unfortunate one-armed machine. "Why, Suxx-tron! What happened to your other arm?"
The robot answered, "I think my A.I. is acting up again. But as far as I'm concerned, this arm isn't detaching itself anytime soon. Not as long as I'm on the job. And I'll find my detached arm soon. I promise."
Stifling a laugh, Vanessa gladly took the offer for more coffee. However, she knew better than to let Suxx-tron actually hand the coffee over. Who knew when that sorry excuse of a machine's other arm would fall off? Not knowing if it would stay attached to its body in the process of handing the drink over, she punched some buttons in its abdomen and reached into the microwave built there for her 4th cup of coffee that morning. He beamed, glad to be of use! After she thanked the robot, Suxx-tron left.
Meanwhile, Desmond grimaced and glared in frustration at the useless robot who had just left. "I mean, look at him. Like he's your very own protocol droid, only more useless. I bet he doesn't even know the first thing about moisture vaporators."
Vanessa responded, "Desmond, I appreciate your concerns about the employees. I really do. You run a tight ship and that's just how it should be. Give these guys some time. We'll mold them into the Paragon Industries cutting edge form in no time."
To which he said under his breath, "I think they're already been molded quite well in Paragon's form."
What she didn't say to Desmond, and wouldn't, was there was an honest to God reason Paragon was hiring the people and machines they did. There was a reason that she conveniently lost all of the OSHE safety regulations and only brought them out again when the official inspectors were making their regular planned visits. Money was always an issue. Some of their more lucrative contracts had dried up, going to her sister Carlotta's business, Pinnacle Tech. Paragon couldn't keep up and everyone knew it. What Paragon did produce wasn't nearly as flashy, techy, innovative or frankly, wanted. That's why Vanessa as the CEO had to take on some other alternate streams of revenue. Such as, collecting on life insurance policy payouts that employees had signed over to the company as a prerequisite for working here. So if they got in an accident at work? So sorry, we're really concerned for you (as we cash in). It was brilliant putting that clause in the papers the employees all signed to work in the tiniest 1 point font! And in ancient Akkadian just in case someone had really good eyes! Just brilliant! That impossible-to-detect paragraph said that they could never sue Paragon, Vanessa, or anyone else at work, plus all of their earthly possessions could no longer be willed to their beloved family members and charitable organizations they wanted to support when they died. Instead, they would all end up as liquid assets for Paragon. It was the ultimate loophole of all legal loopholes, the will-buster, developed by some of Paragon's less than ethical corporate lawyers. It overrode all current and future legal contracts and future last testaments. So, in order to get the payouts from this alternate stream of revenue, having more accidents around Paragon wasn't as sad of a thing as it might have been. In fact, work-related accidents made things even better! That was Paragon's meat and potatoes! So the moral questions and ethical red flags that raised up in most people's minds, didn't bother Vanessa. As long as they could pay the bills, she was fine with it.
And so far? The employees of Paragon were too. Hell, some of the employees even tried to make competitions out of it, to see how many accidents they could squeeze in a week. All of which kept the lights on. So no, Vanessa wasn't upset at the employees she had. She was proud of them. Very proud. Anyone in her shoes would be, too.
