Paloma - Stage Fright - A collab between Luminesa and Oblivion2
November 27th, 2023, 2 PM
The Last Drop
The poor girl took a deep, shaky breath.
Another morning, and she had managed to find her way to daylight. She was awake and alive, and she never realized how much she appreciated that feeling until today. The second day. Soon, she would have the test that meant everything. Everything, such a final and heavy and beautiful word.
And the everything she wanted depended on the everything ahead.
But between now and that deep, dark unknown, the early afternoon of Los Angeles was breezy and calm. Paloma was sure that she had already drank enough coffee to tranquilize an elephant, but she enjoyed this place, and she had invited someone she knew would enjoy this place as well. But furthermore, she had invited him knowing that she needed to have this talk, and she needed to have it now.
She had Stapes’s favorite drink ordered, and she sat at a booth in the back, tapping her foot under the table as she looked out the window. Two doves were sitting on a nearby wire, pruning each other. Her eyes laid on them for quite a long time, perhaps reaching for a kind anchor to pull her foot back to the ground.
The General Manager of the Janus arrived after a few moments. He had dressed in a plain grey suit with matching hornburg and seemed to shuffle across the street towards the coffee shop. He was beginning to show his years little but little as Etienne rationed his Vitae for… something. Something that Paloma hadn’t been informed of.
He sat down across from Paloma, sighing softly as he removed his hat and set it on the table to his right. “Ms. Clark.” He said in greeting, glancing at the cup set out in front of his spot. “Is that for me?”
Her head turned back toward him with a smile, and she nodded brightly, bringing herself back into the moment. “Hi! Yup, that’s for you. I remembered what you liked.” She looked at him, and though his changes were not too sudden and drastic, she could tell that something was different. Stapes looked a little more tired, a little more weary, and he had less skip in his step. “Has the Janus been super busy? You look more tired than usual, sir. Maybe the coffee will help?” Her voice was not disparaging, but gentle, as she wondered about the health this man who was so welcoming to her in the first place.
“Oh just… Ghoul problems.” He says as he takes the cup, savouring a long sip and sighing appreciatively. “If I’m not topped up every so often, the reaper begins recording my time again. That’s why it’s been so important to have you- or someone like you on staff lately. You’ve been a godsend, eh… No pun intended.”
He waved that away, “But enough about me. Your message said you were nervous enough to puke. What’s bothering you my dear?”
She looked down at her cup for a moment. Herbal tea, something sweet and floral to calm her nerves. Yet she was not entirely sure if even a sea of tea would work. “…I’m…I’m Presenting to…to the Court today…this evening…or tomorrow,” she whispered, keeping her voice soft, “I’ve been preparing…and I’m…” She gulped, and her eyes twinkled a little with fear. The fear she had tried to bury under a month’s worth of work in less than two weeks. “I’m terrified. I…I’ve done everything, almost everything, and I can’t shake the fear…”
She looked over him. He was a Ghoul, at one time he had been human. In a way, he was mostly still human. His heart and his gaze most certainly were, and so she saw him that way. “Did…when you joined…the Janus, did you ever have to…?”
Stapes shook his head. “No. I was not worthy of that honour and I’d never, ever ask for it.” His voice recovered some of its previous vitality as he spoke, some of that rich tenor that accompanied his speech not all that long ago. “Ghouls aren’t Presented. We’re the servants. The Help, you understand. I’ll admit my position is rather elevated compared to most of my like, what you’re about to experience is the same as a new member of the society would. It’s necessary for you to be protected by the Masquerade rather than be in breach of it.”
The kindly old man reached out and took her hand, warm and soft with all of her youth. He squeezed and there was surprising strength behind his grip. “Paloma, you’ve done exceedingly well at Janus. You’ve seen first hand too what happens when you push too far in this life. Your… move to your new apartment is evidence of that. You’ve stumbled, sure, but you’ll see this dance through to the end. I’m sure of that.”
Paloma’s eyes watered. When Etienne had asked her if she had wanted a father, her answer was complicated. No, she did not want Etienne to be her father. Her feelings for him were what they were. But Stapes, his words floated and fell like those of family. Her hand felt what warmth was left in his own hand, and she blinked away a tear as she felt her breath had gotten a little faster.
“…All this time, I…I should have spoken to you sooner. I…I thought you were mad at me…I know, that’s…maybe silly, but I needed to talk to you because…because all this time when I’ve been afraid I realized that whether all of this goes right or not…you’re the closest thing to a real father I’ve had. And…” She gulped again. “I know I’m a screw-up sometimes and I have feelings. But I wanna do this all right, not just for Etienne, but…but for you too.”
“Sweetheart. I couldn’t have been mad at you, not for anything in the world.” He squeezed her hand again before pulling his own away for another sip of that Espresso. “Disappointed, certainly. I told you not to push Lord Saint-Francis and you did anyway. It’s difficult to blame you, of course. He draws people to him, like that old chime about moths to a flame. And yeah, I had to give you the cold shoulder for awhile; but that’s the price I pay for being his left hand. I have to reflect that displeasure, even if I don’t personally feel it.”
He sighed, setting the cup away. “You are right though- you should have gotten a hold of me sooner. You look a right wreck, which should be impossible for such a pretty, young girl. Now come on, tell old Nathaniel Stapes what’s really bothering you.”
“…I can’t let Etienne, or your honor, be hurt by something I do,” she whispered, “and I promised. I promised I would be the best. I would be perfect. I will be perfect. But I think about it, and while…while I did my work…I know it’s stupid, but…”
She let another tear fall, and she didn’t realize that it fell into her cup. “I threw a shoe at someone on the beach, that…what’s his name, blonde hair with glasses. Because he…I’m going to defend Etienne’s honor no matter what, and I’m not going to let anyone think I’m weak. I’m not weak. Kindness…it’s not a weakness, is it, Stapes?”
Her voice crackled with that last plea. Her words stumbled out of her, almost tripping in proverbial sand, but Mikhailov’s words about her Faith and kindness had truly struck in her chest. And she knew all of it would find its test in this Presentation. Yet after the dramatic event was still the rest of her life, and so the question loomed.
“Kindness…” Stapes began, then hesitated before barreling on. “Kindness is a gift, my dear. To give it, you have to render yourself vulnerable to others. Kindred… They don’t feel vulnerable very often, and they certainly fear feeling that way. But it can be powerful, as your time in the Janus has certainly shown you. The key, I believe, is understanding who deserves kindness and whom does not. That requires a wiser mind, or perhaps a wiser heart than most of us possess. As to this business about honor…”
He waved that aside. “I’m a Ghoul my dear. I don’t need it, and the Lord has had much time to fashion his into a near impenetrable suit of armour. You shouldn’t worry too much about such things, they’ll just make you crazy.”
“But you’re my family. The family I love, the family I care about. And that means honoring you. And Lord Etienne…” Her voice trailed. Even before the Kiss, she remembered how his shoulders shook when he was in front of her. When she spoke gently and did not yet first kiss him. Kindness was a heavy deal for Kindred, and he indeed feared it in a way. He feared that kindness could be so easily destroyed.
She thought back to her project, her presentation, her outfit. Everything would represent what she could give to the Masquerade. But everything would also represent her. The bright light that made her worth keeping around.
“I’m going to survive this, so that…whatever comes, I’ll use kindness to keep bitterness and sadness away from him. Even if it’s more from afar. I’ll…I’ll make him happy somehow.” She would not give Mikhailov the victory in her mind, but at the same time, she knew that Etienne himself would have to be the one to allow her to come that close, if ever he wanted her so close, and truly she had no idea of the potential of that possibility.
“Paloma…” Stapes said softly, “Just remember what I told you about how difficult that sort of thing might be- you’d have an easier time making the sun rise in the west and set in the east, I think. Settle for being happy yourself, and that would please me greatly.”
“I will do my best.” She had her own goals that she wanted to reach, and reaching them, knowing her worth and her abilities, would make her happy. All of the training she was doing was showing her that she had not paid attention to everything she was capable of learning. And yet as she burned bright, she wanted so much to pull the sun wherever she so pleased. If only she really could.
But she would not disappoint Stapes. He knew the struggle in her heart, and he was not trying to control or police her. No, he knew that she had enormous desires in her heart, and he was gently trying to guide her to use them in a fulfilling way. “I’ve spent…so much time stressing, panicking, fearing…and crying…from now until the Presentation, I’m going to focus on making myself happy.” Her voice shook a little, but she fought away the breaking feeling. “I found the dress I want for the occasion, I’m going to get it.”
“That’s more like it.” The Ghoul said approvingly. “I understand you had a line of credit made up in your name- you going to use it for any frivolous and fun purchases before your presentation? Nothing calms the jitters like spending someone else’s money- worked for me over the years.” He waggled his eyebrows at Paloma, “You should see my guitar collection.”
The image of Stapes jamming on a guitar brought back the young woman’s usual smile. “Wait, I want to see you play guitar! Sometime, obviously, I know you have to work tonight, but it would be wonderful!”
She wondered what else she might buy with such money. Etienne had recommended a spa. She thought about taking such an offer. “The piano in the apartment is beautiful, so I don’t know about that. But frivolous…maybe more paintings. The walls in the apartment are kind of bare, and I haven’t had a lot of time to decorate. I think I have enough time to make my little home a bit weird.”
“Eh, whatever makes you happy. The Lord Saint-Francis has more than enough money that he doesn’t care to see it spent by people who will actually enjoy it. But I strongly suggest doing something for yourself, and I know he already has too. If the both of us are agreeing on a course of action, how could it be wrong?“ Stapes leaned back into the cushioned seat, smiling in a manner he seemed to have learned from his master; it was smug satisfaction that managed to not look at all arrogant.
“Invite your new friends out some place. Live a little. If not for yourself, do it for Him. It was meant to be a gift, after all. Spurning one of Etienne’s gifts is a good way to draw his ire.”
Do it for him. Stapes could see the lingering emotions bubbling in Paloma’s eyes, and he knew what to say to assuage those feelings. Etienne would indeed be happy enough if Paloma used her gift well, and she thought of someone who deserved to be treated to something calm and perhaps a little luxurious.
“Eulalia…uh.” She looked at Stapes as she spoke her name to herself. “The Malkavian girl who was hiding in the bathroom at the Janus, I have her phone number now. I think we’ll spend some time this evening. She’s scared of a lot of things, but she’s not scared of me.”
“Well then. I guess you and that girl are going out tonight, aren’t you?” Stapes said matter of factly, that smile still on his face.
“Yes! After I retrieve the dress. Um…” She thought about what she wanted to say. “When it’s time, will you be coming with me…or just Etienne?”
Stapes shook his head, almost looking relieved. “No. My duties have never taken me to the Angelos Estate, and I rather keep it that way. Besides, who would run Janus if all three of us were indisposed, eh?”
“…I hope this will be the only time I have to go there. Seeing her was frightening enough once. But…” She shook the fear out of her head once again. “Just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I’m weak. And when I go, I’ll…I’ll make you proud. I will.”
“Well my dear… You have to understand what a rarity you are in this world. Before you I only knew of one Imbued who played for this side. If She wants to see you for anything else at this point forward, She will. Etienne will have no choice but to oblige her. Just play by the rules and you’ll be more than fine.”
He was right. Anna might want her for anything. But Paloma would play by the rules, and prove that her own personal philosophy was still right and true. She took a deep breath. “I can do that. But before then, I have to make reservations for Lally and I to have some food and some girl-talk!”
A few moments later, as they would have both stood to leave, the younger woman would have waited for Stapes to stand before she pulled him into a tight hug. Etienne was most likely still too cautious for her to hug. She did not know for sure. But Stapes, she would hug him as hard as his bones would allow. “Thank you. I WILL make you proud.” She repeated her words, as if to drive them into her heart and his. “I promise.”
Stapes gave Paloma a soft hug in return, his smile warm as the sun in the east. “I know you will my dear. I know.”
