The Infinites: And Beyond! (Comedy, Supers, Space, OPEN) -IC

[Zjaum]

The lizard-wizard-crime-boss-kingpin Carlo Linguine was happy to see at least one individual surrender, but still had to deal with the rest of the Minnesota Infinites. Each in their own ways... Blimp Man was still annoying as ever, and it looked like Florida Man was eyeing Linguine over the exact same thing. Plus, the space in the room was acting up. Like, the corner of the room that no one was using was giving him funny faces...

The lizard stroked his mildly-bruised nozzle. He snapped his fingers! Aha, he'd thought of something! Accidentally, his magic powers had produced a bouquet of tulips when he snapped his fingers... whatever. But he had it! The odd space distortions! The requests for employment! The... wait, how did the Russian girl get back here?... the... that! All he had to do was: "Lizard henchmen! Retreat through the kitchen room!" He tripped over the Finn and the Russkie (while thinking to himself what a good tripping spot that was) and darted out the door.

The kitchen room was only a few hallways away from the cruel-and-unusual execution room (and actually right next door to the normal execution room), so the lizards high-tailed it to get there (I know, I'm terrible). Carlo and a few of his most dedicated cohorts managed to make it through to the other side of the kitchen, into their GREAT BIG SUPER SECRET LABORATORY, locking the door behind them. The other more hearing-impaired mafia goons (who'd thought that Carlo had said "Retreat to the kitchen room") were unfortunately stuck inside. Carlo waited for the bulk of the Infinites to come inside before getting on his own personal loudspeaker. "All right, everyone! You think you're so special? There's only one way you'll get me to open up this door: Impress me! Defeat my loyal goons before you or cook me up a dish, I mean, I'm flexible and you might be able to pass! Haugh Haugh Haugh!" Lizards can't laugh that well.

The lizards on his side of the door turned to him. "Hey, um, I don't think defeating the lizards in there is going to be that hard. I mean, they're kinda hard of hearing. Plus, we only have condiments in there. Like, today was our market day, and we got sidetracked with these buffoons..."

Carlo Linguine turned around. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about their chances..." He cackled (Lizards can cackle very well), looking up at the cool new gadget they had in their GREAT BIG SUPER SECRET LABORATORY.

[Talchyon]

Glitch

So there I was, trying to take down three alien mafia lizards who were like all ganging up against yours truly. An' it didn't phase me, 'cause like I once grounded a whole alien spaceship on my own and like that was a lot more aliens than these guys. So I scoffed (or maybe it was more like the sound you make when you're trying to imitate a giraffe noise and then like your friend tells a joke and it makes you laugh so hard that like the drink you had also conveniently just swigged came out your nose? Dude. I could tell you stories).

And then, like, dude! Those lizard mafia goons reached out with their pointy claws! And like, I was surprised because it was like actually hurting. Like, I'm one who has been in a bunch of fights - and dude, like, yuh know, some of them are like actually real and not just like from my imagination, an' all. But in all of my ahem cough cough imaginary fights, an' like most (ok, so more like some, or, I guess, actually like a few) of my real fights not from my cranium an' all, like, dude, I haven't been injured at all.

And now, like, I like had flesh wounds!

But just as I was about to rip out my awesome ultra ninjitsu skills that I saw on a commercial once, dude. They all went into the other room because of like that godfather guy, an' all. And I was like bummed.

I guess we were s'posed to go in and fight them there? Or somethin'. I get kind of lost in the details at times. Like this time. This is one of those times.

An' dude. The Al Pacino type guy who was calling the shots was in the other room. And he wanted us to impress him.

So naturally, I started like telling him about all my exploits, beginning at that time that I once unclogged my toilet after it had been like really foul for months, an' somehow I like found my watch that I had also been missing for about the same amount of time. Dude. If that's not impressive, I don't know what is.

[The Last Abode of Pando]

Steve
Hovering, Steve noticed that all of the main characters were heading towards the kitchen. Even though it was already illuminated, when it got there, Steve illuminated the room even more so than it already was. Steve could not come up with anything to do or say, so it just sat there, hovering, doing nothing.

Joshua James
The man who used to be Florida Man also conveniently didn't remember what he'd been doing before, so he simply followed the large collection of heroes, villains, and lizards to the kitchen.

Florida Man
David Adams
Ah. Florida Man. Attempting to get a job working for the mob boss making food. Poor, innocent Florida Man. He should have realized that Italo-Floridian cuisine was a terrible idea, except for when it wasn't, and that it was highly unlikely for him to get the job in the first place. However, he did not give up hope, instead, he followed right behind Linguine. He followed, distracted in his own thoughts, until he hit the door to the Great Big Super Secret Laboratory, that, in typical cartoon fashion, closed directly on him, knocking him out.
There he lay unconscious, directly in front of the door, when the others began following.

Ed and Aesculapius
Avoiding Ed's paper airplanes, the twins made their way between the crowd of humanoids to the kitchen when they heard Linguine say that they should make him some food. Receiving a brilliant stroke of brilliance that could only be matched by other, more brilliant strokes of even greater brilliance from the flickering light bulb directly above both of their heads, the twins decided to search the drawers and shelving units around the kitchen for a large supply of sporks. One of them was bound to work, right?

---

OOC. Yeah, that post was quite meh. I just kind of forgot what was happening.

[Zjaum]

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw
In the cardinal sin of cooking, Henry decided to substitute tomato sauce for ketchup. He also decided to substitute basil leaves for salad and mustard for, well, actual food. It was ultimately the best he could figure, seeing as none of the legitimate meats or noodles were present at the table. He heated it at 350 degrees for maximum effect. Degrees Kelvin, obviously. He shouted at the door: "I present to you mustard, doused in ketchup, with a side of basil leaves! I call it: The You-Didn't-Give-Me-Any-Ingredients Dish! To be fair, I've had to make it multiple times; the Jefferson Infinites didn't have a particularly large budget."

While it did smell good (very basilly), the dish was subpar next to his other culinary experiments. He snapped his fingers in frustration; at this rate, Florida Man would best him!


Aubree "Goldilocks" Lincoln

Apparently Aubree was the only one left to fend off the lizard henchmen. Glitch was ranting, and everyone else was either cooking, doing nothing, or... wait, were they collecting sporks? Regardless, these were not winnable conditions for Aubree. So, with history's most true adage ("If you can't beat 'em, join 'em"), she began singing old bedtime songs. They weren't anything special, but there was no way that she was going to be put in a Slave Leia costume. She'd rather be the buffoon that sings "Jedi Rox."


Lizard Mafia

One of the lizard goons turned to the boss. "Well, I did talk with HR recently. We do have a disproportionate amount of clogged toilets and lost watches. Well, by the latter, I mean watches that aren't ours. Watches that we haven't stolen. This... dude, I guess, might be a big help."

"Enough!" announced the lizard wizard. "I cannot stand the way you've been butchering our sacred Thai cuisine!... Wait, they thought that we ate Italian food? THAT'S IT! RELEASE THE STUPID-HUGE MEGA SECRET WEAPON!"

The henchmen, who were rather bored now that they weren't able to fight anyone and instead were glorified super babysitters, whooped with joy at the sound of the call for the STUPID-HUGE MEGA SECRET WEAPON from the GREAT BIG SUPER SECRET LABORATORY. They then realized that the STUPID-HUGE MEGA SECRET WEAPON would soon be turned on them as they were in the room, and quietly shuffled out in single file out the other end of the room.

Soon, a giant robot in the shape of a four-legged duck waddled up to the kitchen. It had lasers for eyes, missile launchers for wings, massive cleats for feet, machetes for feathers, and a fax machine for a bill. It was truly a sight to behold, one that the Infinites could scarcely comprehend. It approached the door as Carlo Linguine and his best men backed out of the way. Then the robot duck stopped. Apparently the STUPID-HUGE MEGA SECRET WEAPON was so STUPID-HUGE that it couldn't fit through the doorway. Carlo Linguine was speechless for a few moments, and the scientists and engineers with him tried to come up with a reasonable solution.

This gave the Minnesota Infinites a large window of opportunity. Well, the duck was standing in the way, and it was technically a door... Regardless, it was a chance to prove their worth to the entire lizard mafia! Or at least those on their shift that day.

[Barapam]

Feeling Carlo's claws bump into her, Irina finally woke up, and groaned. She slowly got to her feet, and placed her hands on her head. It was hard for her to keep the balance, and as she staggered around, it almost looked like she was dancing like that on purpose.

"Dizzy... I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning... Like a whirlpool, it never ends..."

And then it dawned on her. "Wait a minute... how come I'm still alive?"

While said out loud, it was still a rhetorical question, and Irina was very surprised when a deep voice sounded behind her.

"Perhaps I can answer that?"

Borisova spun around, and so did Hans, who had came to his senses just a few moments after the red star-traveller. They saw the back of an egg chair, that hadn't been there before. Suddenly, it too spun around, and revealed...

... that it was empty!

However, upon a closer look, it wasn't. In fact, there was another identical chair on the seat, just one centimere high. The little chair also stood with its back against them, until it spun around as well. Hans and Irina leaned closer to see. It was the tardigrade, sitting with his legs crossed, except for his front legs, which he rested on the small armrests (which is exactly the intended purpose of armrests, unless you have actual arms, which the tardigrade doesn't, so he has to use his front legs as arms in this case)! And he wore a little headset, which allowedd his voice to be heard much louder than usual. He met their curious gaze.

"... but first of all I'd like to thank our sponsors, CPRC&H, Conviniently Placed Rotating Chairs & Headsets (TM), a sister company of CPC, Conviniently Placed Covers..."

"Who ARE you???" Hans and Irina interrupted him in unison. After all, this was the first time they had noticed the tardigrade, even though he had been with them the whole time. They stared at him like idiots, as if their jaws suddenly had become a lot more sensitive to Planet McPlanetface's gravity. The tardigrade in turn, now felt like an idiot.

"... who am I? You mean you don't know... but I've been with you the whole time... and even longer with you, Irina..." His voice cracked. The little arachnid felt hurt and belittled, this wasn't how he had planned this to go... the big reveal had been supposed to be dramatic and make them drop their jaws... OK, the last part had come true, but for all the wrong reasons...

However, once he thought about it, he understood their reaction. After all, it was the same when bacteria tried to talk to him about stuff, so he swallowed his pride and tried to start over.

"... I'm Tom Tikhokhodka, from Ukraine... I, er..." The tardigrade paused to scratch the back of his head. "... could this be anymore awkward?", he thought. "From Chernobyl, to be exact... you know, where they're building a nuclear power plant? I'm a tadigrade, you know? A water bear, space bear, etc, etc..." He waved his hand to indicate all the many a.k.a.s he had, and regained some of his confidence as he talked. The two humans listened attentively, and neither of the three noticed anything of what was going on around them (which honestly wasn't much, since everyone else was still in the kitchen, or back in the kitchen, or had just gone to the kitchen... I haven't paid much attention really, since I went inactive...)

Tom went on to explain how he had gotten radio-active and fallen into Irina's space capsule, and how he must've accidently bitten her and passed his abilities to her, and he also theorized that many years might have passed, but he wasn't sure of that. Irina found it quite plausible given the oddities she had seen with the Infinites. "It's probably 1970 or 1971 now... maybe 1972 even!" she thought. However, he couldn't explain Hans' experience any more than what Hans himself could. Despite the fact that Tom had found a rotating chair, two even, he wasn't an all knowing being like Morgan Freeman (note that none of them knew who Gordon Freeman was, since he according to Wikipedia started his career around the time when Tom and Irina left Earth, which was 20 years after Hans did the same).

"So I have a superpower too!" Irina smiled. Now she felt like she really belonged to the group. "Thank you Tom! You saved my life! I'd hug you if I could." Due to the size difference she couldn't, but she knelt down and held her little finger out to him, which he gave a high five. Hans meanwhile, was torn. Part of him wanted to let them know of his power too, but another part of him was too ashamed of it. Especially since it was so useless. Farts which didn't smell... Sure, it was handy sometimes, but nothing that could be used in the fight against evil, aliens, and evil aliens...

"So, um, maybe we should find the others?" he said instead. The two Soviets agreed, Tom climbed onto Irina's hand, she put him on her shoulder, and together they all went inside again. Irina was the first one to greet their friends.

"Hi guys, what's going- Whoa! Is that a super-secret weapon looking like a robot duck blocking the door? Dдми!"

[Whalestron]

Nikolai the Bear

Nikolai laughed at the stupidity of the lizards. Shouldn’t they have learned their lesson by now? Italian lizards were like paper in rock, paper, scissors! And Nikolai was the rock! Ironically, Nikolai didn’t know how to play rock, paper, scissors, probably owing to his lack of fingers.

Regardless of this handicap, he summoned a large machine gun akin to an anti-aircraft gun, aimed directly at the temporarily incapacitated duck. He began opening fire, the only thing keeping him rooted to the ground was his physically impossible grip to the weapon's handle. He yelled as the weapon unloaded its ammo on the duck. Once it ran out, the smoke had cleared. While Nikolai didn’t manage to even nick the thing, the holes in the surrounding area were a perfect connect-the-dots illustration of the Sputnik satellite.

[Talchyon]

The kitchen of the Italian mobster HQ, right next door to the GREAT BIG SUPER SECRET LABORATORY
Captain Calculator

The mild-mannered accountant-dad turned superhero looked a little confused, first that evil alien lizard mobsters would even have a GREAT BIG SUPER SECRET LABORATORY, and second, that it would be connected so close to their little Italian cafe. He shook his head a little. He had kind of lost his train of thought after stepping into the kitchen, for some reason. As if he had been occupied by many many other countless tasks at work, and now he finally had time for a breather at a longer lunch break. Strange. But maybe it was just the exotic smells of the alien condiments and the Italian seasonings in a restaurant where they preferred Thai food.

Just then, over the din of the STUPID-HUGE MEGA SECRET WEAPON that had been revealed - and gasp of all horrors, it was a 4 footed robot duck! A Cyborg Platypus if there ever was one - just then, however, there was a noise. A noise that sounded like, of all things, an introduction.

"... I'm Tom Tikhokhodka, from Ukraine... I, er..." The tardigrade paused to scratch the back of his head. "... could this be anymore awkward?", he thought. "From Chernobyl, to be exact... you know, where they're building a nuclear power plant? I'm a tadigrade, you know? A water bear, space bear, etc, etc..." ...

Tom went on to explain how he had gotten radio-active and fallen into Irina's space capsule, and how he must've accidently bitten her and passed his abilities to her, and he also theorized that many years might have passed, but he wasn't sure of that.

Calculator looked at the source of the noise. It was from outside. And, it also sounded like Irina was near it. "Irina? IRINA'S ALIVE?!"

Meanwhile, Glitch had heard the louder amped up introduction, and was thinking along other lines. "Whoa. So like, this Tom comes from Cher Nobyl? Like, dude! She's like that old hippie woman who used to sing songs with Sonny Bono! Like, 'I got you, babe!' Dude! I loved that song."

While the captain of the Infinites was glad that their friend Irina had lived, and while the least important member was reminiscing over old 60's songs, the Teetotaler and Coathangerman had other things on their minds. Like the imminent, approaching death machine that was also a machine and looked vaguely like a robotic platypus. The lizard mobsters had all retreated into the secret lab. The duck was making it's way out. Nikolai tried blasting it, and smoke filled the room. When it cleared, not only had the surrounding area by the lab shown up in bullet holes resembling an obsolete Soviet satellite. But the death machine had entered the room.

And Carlo Linguine yelled. "Eat missiles, suckers!" And he reached to press the launch buttons on his (conveniently placed) remote control device in his hands. The Teetotaler fell to the floor, trying to think of something he could manipulate tea into, some kind of gigantic death machine stopper. Coathangerman took to trying to run for the door, and into Irina, Hans and Tom the tardigrade who were blocking his way. He couldn't get out, and they were slowed down getting in. Captain Calculator looked over, looking grim. He raised his arms and aimed, firing calculators at the robotic death machine-platypus dealie, and managing to scratch the paint on it. Yes, it had paint. Glitch had gone off into one of his monologues and was digressing. The others weren't doing much better. Diet Cola aimed his soft drink barrage at the death machine, and did nothing to it, really. Doc Bur-Ock was saying something about the paperwork not being filled out right. The twins were over to the side, talking with each other about the secret to life, the universe and everything. Even Minnesota Girl was doing her best, making everyone feel proud of their state they had come from, as if to make them think that evil alien lizard mobsters were missing out, and it would be a shame for them to have to die outside of the land of 10,000 lakes.

It was certain doom. Doom spelled with a capital D, and two vowels, and then a final consonant.

But just as Carlo Linguine was about to push the launch button on the missile launchers on their secret doomsday weapon, an old, withered hand rested on his shoulder and a tired, old Italian voice spoke out a word, "Wait." Linguine reacted to that touch and the voice immediately, stopping his finger before he could start the launch. And the tired, old voice called out to the whole room.

"Who are you strangers anyway? You're not from any of the families I know, and I've been around a while." (hack hack) "I am Don Calamari, leader of the Calamari clan and like yourselves, a distinguished guest and visitor here at the "Sei un Succhiatore". And I've been looking at this, and what is this? What kind of people are you? You act like you want something, but it's not like the other lieutenants who come here trying to do business. But you're not coppers. You are some... I don't know what to say. I always know what to say, but this I can't say anything about..." They got a look at the speaker. It was an old squid, bent over, and looking incredibly weak.

Calculator responded, "We are aliens from another planet. We came here to look for some mechanical components that were dropped planetside by accident. We had a tracker that led us here."

Linguine snarled. "But you guys destroyed my cousins! All my cousins who were making to finish our business with the Gambini's! We ought to kill you!"

Don Calamari coughed, and then spoke again in his tired, old voice. "You got thousands of cousins, Carlo. The ones you sent for that job, you didn't like anyway. So just shut it, or I'll get agitated. And you know what it's like when I get agitated." Glowering, Carlo Linguine lowered his hands to his sides and took a step back. Apparently, Don Calamari had an influence on Carlo Linguine.

Speaking again to Captain Calculator, the old godfather-figure rasped out again, "So then, aliens, eh? Yeah, I've run into aliens before. They don't know the protocol. Mess things up sometimes without knowing what they're doing. But they make great tourists, eh Carlo?" Linguine just looked down, ashamed.

Calculator nodded. "Yeah. And all we want are those components. We have pictures if you want to see." At Calamari's brief nod, Calculator approached with his communication device-fidget spinner in his hand. Not one to be so up on tech, being a middle aged man, it took a little fumbling but eventually Calculator found the pictures of the components they were looking for, and showed them to Calamari.

"Mechanical components, eh? You don't look like a mechanic. But maybe you're just like good family, going to fetch these things for your mechanic friend, eh?" (cough cough hack cough) "I ain't never seen these before. They don't look like anything I recognize. Carlo! Carlo, get a look at this. You know anything about this that your distinguished alien visitor is looking for?"

At his summons, Linguine approached and glanced at the pictures. Then looking up at Calculator, he said, "Yeah."

Don Calamari nodded himself. "So it seems like we can make an arrangement then. Why don't you just get these mechanical devices for these alien visitors, and then we'll hand it over, and then they can leave."

Calculator gradually smiled a little. "We'd like that. No offense, but there's a lot about this planet we don't understand and we just want to get back."

Carlo Linguine made a face, and then leaned over and whispered something to his mentor and godfather, Don Calamari. The old squid nodded, and then whispered something back. Linguine made a hesitant nod, and then left the room, into the kitchen, and back through the main customer area of the restaurant.

Calamari said, "It seems my associate here had been planning on using those mechanical components. He had been... eh..." (cough cough) "He had been planning on using them. Hypothetically, let's just say that Carlo had entertained the idea that these components might help carry certain, possibly-morally-questionable materials past the eyes of the local law enforcement. Again, this is all hypothetical, mind you. Not that Carlo would do anything illegal at all. He's a good boy. Always has been." (Cough hack cough).

Captain Calculator and the rest simply stared. The old squid godfather shrugged. He began to talk about other things, like family, and looking out for each other, and even some of the best meals their family had had. If he hadn't been an evil crimelord himself, one of the most notorious gangsters on the planet who by his weak voice alone could make a fierce crimelord hesitate, Don Calamari might have seemed like a friendly retiree.

A humbled Carlo Linguine re-entered the room with mechanical components in his hands. He half-glared at Calculator, but put the components in Calculator's hands. "There," was all he said. "Take it and scram."

Don Calamari nodded and looked pensive. "So then, distinguished guests and alien visitors. You have what you were looking for. Now, we don't have any more business to work through, do we?"

Calculator looked around at the heroes and villains, and seeing no one who wanted to fight a killer death machine robotic platypus, said, "Nope. We're good here. We'll just go."

Don Calamari's eyes squinted, and he coughed briefly again before saying, "You do that. You can show yourselves out."

As the heroes and villains were leaving the Italian cafe, they could hear an animated conversation inside, with Don Calamari berating Carlo Linguine in no uncertain terms. While Linguine tried to ask why they hadn't just blasted them to smithereens with their weapon, they could distinctly hear Calamari raising his voice and arguing that Carlo Linguine was a putz, such a putz that he was ashamed to be in the same family with him. What made Linguine a putz was that he wanted to destroy his own headquarters with his secret weapon, and then where would they be? And besides, they had used up a lot of the fuel on their secret weapon the last time they had used it. So it would have been worthless in a fight.

Meanwhile, Captain Calculator just smiled. "I'm glad that's done. Let's get out of here."

The Teetotaler said, "My good chap, those were my exact thoughts as well."

Calculator pushed a few buttons on his communication-device-fidget spinner, and soon their transport ship that was acting as their ride appeared, ready to cart them off up through the atmosphere and back to the Squelch.

And it was then, that Glitch, who had been monologuing the whole time, got done with his story of something trivial he had once done that had really no tangentially-obscure connection to the present situation.

THE END OF CHAPTER TWO

[Zjaum]

Henry "Blimp Man" Hinshaw

Hm. Henry had apparently miscalculated. The lifeform had seemed to be the head-honcho mafia don kingpin boss man turned out not to be the head-honcho mafia don kingpin boss man and in fact had his own head-honcho mafia don kingpin boss man for himself. You know what this meant? He was advertising himself to the wrong person! Just like shaking the hand of HR and handing over the resume only to realize that they just pass it on to untouchable higher-ups! Incredibly frustrating, and not at all resembling real life at all! Where was he?

"Oh, yes, Don Calamari, I was just showing the Don... the Mister Carlo Linguine how useful I could be to your establishment! As I just recently showed him, I can make edible works of art from mere condiments! That, and I work reasonably well as a field medic, which those cousins of Carlo's could have very much used. I'm certain that you'd appreciate my services!"

Goldilocks put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Henry, but the actual Don apparently wants us to leave. I personally don't want to get him upset, and I'm sure you don't want that, either."

"Wait, no, I can do this! Just give me a small bit more time, and I'll have this thing locked down! Right, narrator?"

THE END OF CHAPTER TWO

"...Goshdarn it." Defeated, Henry followed the rest of the Infinites back to the ship. One day, he'll get a real job. They all will. One day.

[Talchyon]

CHAPTER THREE: CHAPTER IN A POST

The Squelch
Jerry

The middle-aged recovering alcoholic that had stayed on board (right?) had had some time to get familiar and acquainted with the ship. The Squelch - normally piloted by one Spasticus the Snarler - had served as a part home away from home, and part prison transport ship. But there were surprises Jerry had found. Surprises like, the purpose for the materials they had gone planetside to find. Surprises, like how easy it was to learn how to fly the thing. Surprises, like the one Jerry had discovered that he was sure would have a lasting effect on the denizens of Earth and their mission of rescuing the planet from certain slavery at the hands of the intergalactic battle they had been kidnapped involuntarily volunteered to fight in.

So when Captain Calculator and the Infinites, Doc Bur-Ock and the villains, and everyone else who didn't know exactly what side they were on had come back to the ship, Jerry addressed them all.

"This is an address to you all. I know you guys and your spandex clubs don't always have as much interest in starship features as I do - now, anyway. But you'll never guess what I found here on the ship the whole time!"

The Teetotaler raised an eyebrow, and said, "Directions?"

Jerry glanced his way. "Not exactly, we're supposed to stop at intergalactic gas stations on the way and ask, but no, it's something even better."

Coathangerman shrugged and said, "Money?"

Jerry frowned, and said, "Uh, negative on that. Sorry, I guess you guys still have to scrounge in your couch cushions."

Glitch asked, "So like, dude, I'm guessing - and this is just like a precognition of premeditated pretense - like, dude, yuh found like a complete and totally epicly gigantic freezer storage area filled with Twinkies and New York Double Fudge Chunk ice cream."

Jerry's face looked like one might expect at that comment, and said, "Actually, yeah. It's in the back. But that's not what..." It was too late. Glitch was gone in search of the junk food.

"Ok, no. What I was talking about was a device that will help us all out immensely! It's the "PLOT SPEED-UP DEVICE" or the P-SUD. Apparently, it will let us get to our destination much much quicker."

Captain Calculator paused, and said, "Wait. So it's like a warp drive? Well, why hadn't we used it before?"

Jerry smirked and said, "It wasn't plugged in."

The nerdy accountant-dad-turned-hero said, "Well, if it will speed things up so we can get to that fight and then back home, I'm all for it. What do the rest of you all think?" And there was much rejoicing. "Yay." So Captain Calculator and the Infinites and villains all agreed, for probably the only time in their lives up to that point and in the future, on a course of action. And as Jerry went to flip the switch, there was much rejoicing. "Yay."

And when he flipped the switch, that's when EVERYTHING went really weird...

---

The P-SUD, or "Plot Speed-Up Device," was an invention by a really bored person who sometimes served as the OP of online RPs. He and a good friend had explored the possibility of such a theoretical device existing, and had gone to great lengths to making it. It was not your typical appliance that was installed on spaceships. In fact, there was only one such P-SUD invention in all of space and time. And it just so happened that Spasticus the Snarler had acquired this curious contraption by winning a game of Double Fannucci, even though his opponents in the game had practically proven that he had cheated. After winning it, or walking off with it illegally, depending on who one asked, Spasticus had decided to take it with him everywhere, and put it in a very remote spot of his ship. Complete with a standard electric plug, the P-SUD device ran on simple imagination and apparently was impervious to fire, water, electricity, poison, and really lame stand-up comics.

---

When Jerry flipped the switch, the effects were surreal. It was as if entire weeks, months, and years of activity and conversation were happening in a single moment. Each member on board the Squelch saw the following events happen as if it were taking place right before their eyes. Further, they saw themselves having these conversations and doing these actions, making the decisions that they felt they had to at the time, all of which ended up in the surprising ending for all endings.

Here's kind of a run-down of what they saw. And did. And did while seeing themselves do. All in all, it was really weird but a little funny too.

- Terry's peanuts that had been taken from Earth at the very beginning had been experimented on in the machine in the secret room. The machine was intended to bring inanimate things to life and give them super powered abilities. And lo and behold, there was a complete and total success with one of them. He was called Super Peanut, and basically annoyed people even though having super strength, flight, and bunches of really cool other powers.

- The Squelch made its way to pick up Spasticus the Snarler and found that he had weaseled his way out of the Intergal prison. So once Spasticus was on board, he flew the ship to the intergalactic arena where the fight for Earth's freedom would take place.

- But first, Spasticus took the mechanical components rescued from Planet McPlanetface and flew them to another planet, on which a secret laboratory had been constructing the dangerous-looking robotic machine whose plans were on his ship in the secretive room. The components were the final pieces needed to make this machine. It was to be used in the upcoming intergalactic battle against the Earth champions to ensure an alien victory. The person wanting this was none other than Spasticus' boss who had hired him, who still remained hidden and mysterious. But Spasticus had a trick up his sleeve. He had the radioactive materials from earth that allowed him to control machines, and he was planning on making the machine malfunction to save the Earth heroes.

- Another trick he had up his sleeve. Woody, the piece of wood locked up in the glass case, the "Captain's Log", was also to be used. Because Spasticus feared that he might be caught, he brought along Woody - and a gas mask. Woody was hallucinogenic wood. It produced spores that affected everyone else who sniffed it, so they became drooling idiots and thinking that they were great heroes while doing inconsequential things. And in case there were actually drooling idiots present there already, who thought that they were great heroes while doing inconsequential things and sniffed the spores, people like Glitch, they were basically unaffected.

- On to the intergalactic arena they went. And fought. Sometimes against each other. Epic battle scenes ensued. Slowly, the March Madness-style brackets were reduced down to the final combatants - none other than Super Peanut vs. the rock monster. Super Peanut won, and since he was technically taking Jerry's place in the tournament, Earth was spared from certain enslavement.

- Meanwhile, Spasticus guarded the heroes unbeknownst to them and defended them against the evil plots of his boss. Whose name and face shall remain nameless and faceless. Because of reasons.

- Everyone celebrated in a long party on the way back. The Twinkies and New York Double Fudge Chunk flavored ice cream flowed freely. (It was here at this point, that Glitch found the forward and reverse buttons on the P-SUD device. So he let all of the celebration, revery and Twinkie-eating take place in slow motion, so as to indulge every moment. A contest was held between Florida Man, the Finn and Blimp Man as to who would make the best intergalactic chef. But their concoctions were all ghastly and tasted like moldy styrofoam mixed with fish livers and chardonnay. Thankfully, Glitch flipped the switch back to fast and they were all spared from having to think about that for too long.

-And then they came back to Earth, and landed, proud of themselves. And Earth had moved on from thinking about that visit long ago from Spasticus the Snarler, and now was concerned chiefly about the dating habits of B-level celebrities. No one on the planet believed that the Infinites or villains had even been to space. The newspapers gave them no mention of their heroism. In other words, it was all things back to normal on Planet Earth.

- And the second phase of the secretive, twisted and untwisted machinations of Ulterior Motive Man were completed.

---

Captain Calculator looked around at everyone who had gone with him, and said, "Wow. You guys did great. I'm glad all that's done and over with." Everyone agreed, and then went back to what they had been doing - namely, being Infinites and villains. The Earth was saved, and there was much rejoicing. At least, there was much rejoicing among the Infinites and their tired OP. "Yay." And then, Glitch went on another long unrelated tangent about something he and one of his friends had done that had no bearing on things.

But hey. Even with all this, it was good that the Earth was just as it had been, and that the Infinites could rest. But not forever. Wherever there are villains, wherever there is injustice, wherever cats are stuck up in trees and no one from the fire department wants to come out and rescue them, the Infinites will be there! The Infinites will be there, as the lamest group of heroes that prove more than heroic when the chips are on the line and the stakes (not to mention, "steaks" as well) have fallen on the lines drawn in the sand. And other metaphors that are mixed up and confused with each other as well.

Duh duh duh!

THE END OF CHAPTER THREE