The Infinites - The Lamest Heroes (Supers/Comedy/CLOSED)- IC

[The Last Abode of Pando]

Ed and Aesculapius
In the Cafe
After Glitch's story, the twins were staring shocked at Glitch. His story seemed too amazing to be with the Minnesota Infinites. However, Ed was still focusing on one word Glitch had said. Wisconsin. Could it be? Did Glitch cause the twins to find the Minnesota Infinites. Nah; couldn't have. Aesculapius noticed the word Wisconsin too, but he only thought that it was the author telling them to go next.
"So, where would we start, Aesculapius?"

"As far back as it's important, I'll say."

"Would you like me to speak, or would you like to?"

"You can tell them, I'll interrupt sometimes when you get it wrong. It'll also give me time to eat this food."

"Okay then. It all started back when we were five. We lived near a small town in Wisconsin. That one Thursday is the first either of us can remember our powers manifesting. Well, we probably had our powers since birth, but it's hard to remember way back then. When we were five, though, Aesculapius here turned invisible."

"No, I wasn't invisible, a random coconut palm just appeared in the middle of our living room."

"Oh yeah. Invisible was later. We, being five-year olds, thought that this was the product of superpowers. Back then our favorite hero in Infinites Comics was Plant-Man. We thought Plant-Man was in our house. As it turned out, he wasn't. Plant-Man was still with the Canadian Infinites. After the palm tree, we had incidents every other week, until art class. I folded a paper airplane and threw it at the other kid, but it turned around and started firing missiles at us. We started to think that we were superheroes. There were just a bunch of random things happening until senior year of high school. We were on the circus team, as the ticket-takers. We decided to take a walk in the woods instead of going to practice. Later we found out that the entire rest of the team, the trapezeist, Luigi; the strongman, Poindexter; and the human cannonball, Henry; had launched themselves out of a cannon, straight up. The newspapers said that they never came back down. Aesculapius, you take over."

"Okay," he said, quickly swallowing his food. "You might be wondering what we were doing in the woods. Well, we just went exploring, like we usually do,
and we found something a little different than usual. We found a large, smoking pit filled with alien spaceship wreckage. I remember walking to the pit, middle foot first, and searching for anything we could sell on E-bay. We found a couple things; loose things, medical instruments, part of the engine, and an alien spork. We still have that spork."

"I think I still have the other stuff in here somewhere."

"We knew we had to go to Minnesota, cuz of the spork. You want to continue?"

Ed had been eating Aesculapius' food, so he was a little startled, but managed to get out a "yeah." "So, we got to Orient a couple weeks after y'all defeated French Man the first time. You guys remember the Can-Can fight? Yeah? Well, we were in that. That's about everything."
Captain Calculator, looking confused asked, "That's almost everything, but where did you two get the suit of armor and the medieval weapons?"
"Oh yeah. That game of Epicball we played, y'all remember that? Well, you didn't notice when we disappeared for a short while. Aesculapius transported us to a medieval, magical land. When we got there, our supersuit was torn up by the pine trees. We needed some armor. The local villagers thought that we were wizards who had had a magical thing go wrong, so they treated us with respect, I think. We continued superheroing over there, fighting bandits, rabbles, invading armies, giant eagles, trolls, villagers, and the other version of Mr. Big, Drubnok'lagnoch'chllllwo'aolagh'sdfisils'kdj'f'oisd'jfoisjfsok'jflkjlg'jdksjgdjfotg'jfoeiwjfofje'k'l'd's'c'n'b'v'o'djfgjrepofjof'egjowddnfoswdf'oiwhjfo. I don't really remember how we got back here, but it was just in time for more Epicball."

As with Glitch's story, the rest of the Infinites looked a little startled. Maybe they were still recovering from Glitch's story, though.
Florida Man
Still Dying From All of That Stuff That Happened on the 45th Floor of the Zeke Enterprises Building
Yeah, Tell us your story, Dolor. Owwww. When will the next Florida Man show up?"

[Zanera]

Pill-OW!
Orient, Minnesota
Some Café That Does Not Fit Into Pill-OW!'s Budget Even Though The Food Looked Like It Was From Wal-Mart

---

Pill-OW! sat glumly as the others explained their stories. Pill-OW! had a hard time understanding Glitch's talking, since Pill-OW! hadn't talked like that since the 90s, but he guessed there were still people that talked surfer. Pill-OW! wished he had a surfer story, but he did not have a surfer story. He went to the Mississippi River once, but he was dragged out in a current and almost run over by a boat, so he didn't like to think about that experience.

Without anything else to do but wonder if Ed and Aesculapius were somehow connected to Glitch's fate. "Maybe Glitch and Ed and Aesculapius are related. Reminds me of my childhood when I learned that one of my aunts was a pineapple tree. Anyway, so I work a plumbing job, saving the water pipes of innocent people. Well, there are sometimes bad people that try to sue me, I think they're supervillains, but anyway, here I was, in this house, with people that had pipes that needed a slight adjustment. The only superpower I knew I had before then was fixing plumbing. By the way, the company I work for is thinking about lowering the rates next month as some sales deal thing, so if anyone needs plumbing adjusted or fixed, call Fogerty's Plumbing Services. You can look us up in the phonebook under plumbing. Like, there's a plumbing section, but the phonebooks put the 'Plumbing Services' part before the 'Fogerty's' part, so you look for 'Plumbing Services' and go right to look for 'Fogerty's'. Anyway, Here I was, trying to adjust this pipe, water all over the floor, over this cast iron bathtub. In then I slipped, and before I could hit my head on the bathtub, I pillow popped up in front of my forehead and probably saved my life. And that's how I learned I had superpowers, and that my true archenemy was cast iron bathtubs."

[Zjaum]

"My story?" Aubree piped up. She went into a trance as she remembered her past...

Aubree lay sick on her bed. Her parents were having a conversation with the local doctor. The talk was intended to be out of earshot, but the walls were practically made out of tissue paper; she could hear everything. She didn't particularly like what she was hearing.
"So, doctor, how is she?"
"Well, I think she might have bladder issues. She's been talking about needing to go to the bathroom all day today. Maybe it's because I told her not to leave bed for the past week. I dunno; I'm a magician, not a doctor!" He laughed because it was true; he had a side job as a magician for parties. It paid better in those parts.
Her parents didn't laugh. "Look, we came to you because you're the only licensed medical doctor within a hundred mile radius-"
"Well, not just that! I also have the lowest rates this Side of Sacramento!"
"...that's not what we look for in a doc-"
"Look, do you want to know what's wrong with her?"
"Well, yes!"
"..,I think she's been drinking."
Aubree's mother started crying on the shoulder of her father. "I told her those Christian youth group parties would be nothing but trouble!"
"No, not that," said the doctor. "She's been drinking water and stuff like that. How else would she need to go so badly? Dihydrogen monoxide, man. The Silent Killer."
Aubree's father started getting impatient. "We're not here for her bladder, Doctor, we're here because of the massive stomach pains! Every night she was howling like when my platoon leader got shot in 'Nam!"
"...You're not old enough to be a Vietnam war veteran."
The mother explained, "He has delusions and fantasies. Look, that's beside the point. What's causing the pain in her stomach?"
"Well, that's anyone's guess. I'm thinking it's those... what do you call the small critters you can't see?"
"Bacteria?"
"Yeah! Those bacteria things!"
"Can you fix it?"
"Well, I'm a magician, not a-"
"Is she going to be okay, Doctor?!"
"Well..." The doctor pulled out a 1d20 and rolled it. "Darn! I failed the save! Not saying too much, though; I set all my points to Dexterity and Charisma. I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln. You should probably say your last goodbyes."
They walked into the room, the parents teary-eyed. Aubree looked at them and burst out crying.
"She's so sad!" exclaimed the mother.
Aubree wasn't crying because she Thought she'd die; she was crying because of the tremendous amount of pain brought to her by the parasites inside her, the pain being nearly double anything she'd felt before. Aubree would have corrected her mother, but she was too much in pain to form and utter words.
Her parents rushed to her side and embraced her. Immediately the pain subsided. Aubree, quite shocked, could only say, "I think I'm all better now..."
The parents were delighted at this miracle and got her out of bed. The doctor gathered the bed sheets for cleaning and noticed something curious, aside from the smell of urine. "Hey, does anyone know why there are gold flakes in the bed? Well, it's free money, I guess."
And that's how it all began.

Aubree exited her trance, only to realize that she'd spoken aloud the entire conversation as it had went on in her head. Mildly embarrassed, she patiently waited for her milkshake.