Rhomaia wrote:Luminesa wrote:
Antonius Ruta
Ruta's eyes grew wide with plain shock upon seeing the white page emerge from Soleil's pocket, his cold gaze transfixed on the letter. Once bitter and warrior like, the Jaegar's azure eyes looked upon the white piece of paper upon which that same emblem, a black dove flying on one wing, was emblazoned, the same symbol that his dear Yona had been so fond of in youth, and the one Ruta had adopted in remembrance of her. Sorrow, grief, longing, anguish, and heartache played across his eyes, like a child who was attending the funeral of a loved one that he had so dearly cherished. Seeing that mere mark was enough to bring it all back, from the first moments he had known her to the last...
Closing his eyes and trying to ignore the grueling pain of his wounds, physical and emotional, the man could barely find the words to accurately describe how he was feeling as of this moment. Soleil, who had been so eager in his quest to soothe Ruta's suffering and misery, had resorted to stealing his most treasured possession and nearly been killed in the process to see it through. Even if the boy was blissfully unaware as to the consequences of his actions, the thought of the boy putting himself through such an incredibly dangerous ordeal as this one only brought the Jaegar more pain inside, knowing that that his own negligence was to blame for all that had happened tonight...That his own idiocy and ineptitude had nearly killed Soleil Rise.
"...Soleil...I understand your desire to help me...to 'heal my soul'...and to ensure that everyone around is...as happy and content with life as they can possibly be...but none of that...is worth anything...to me especially...if it means that you...or anyone else was put in harm's way...to achieve it..." Ruta croaked harshly, his grip on his sword growing looser and weaker by the moment. He practically forced himself to stop and pause, as if to do more than he already was would strain his already stressed vocal cords, yet still his words sounded angered and dismayed toward Soleil.
"What you did tonight...though I appreciate it...was nothing less than irresponsible...And for this...I do wonder...if you were trying to...to get yourself killed..."
Soleil did not answer immediately. He had been expecting to get lashed-at, but instead the rebuke he got was much quieter. Disappointment, but not just disappointment. None of what he had done meant anything to Professor Ruta. His exact words. He only saw that Soleil had gotten hurt once again. That he was simply irresponsible. He did not look at him the same way Sol looked back. He saw Soleil's actions and saw none of the good intent. He only saw a fool who was trying to get himself killed.
You idiot. Your actions nearly got you and all of your friends killed. Do you realize that now? It was selfishness, that was what it was. You were so eager to try and get Ruta to care about you, to appreciate you, that you forgot about everyone who truly loves you. All of your friends and teachers who almost died to protect you.
His breathing got faster now, as his anxiety finally caught-up with him and overtook him. He stared down at the ground, breathing hard now as the thoughts came. He put a hand over his mouth, as though he was going to be sick at the same time.
You failure. You stupid, worthless little failure. He will never love you, not as long as you are the way you are. Scared, too worried about yourself, desperate, self-hating, selfish, amoral...a burden. You're nothing but a burden to him. That's why you can't look into his eyes, isn't it? Because you know the truth. You know that he wishes he did not have to deal with you now. He's in all of his pain because of you, and you just added to it. Again. I'm surprised he hasn't run away yet. And you. Why are you still here? You deserve this. Suck it up and face it. He'll never love you. He only saved you because he had to. You should have let that woman kill you.
Just like that all of his nerve was gone. Soleil very well could have stood up for himself, but not now, not as weak physically and emotionally as he was. Like a sack of lead, he slid to his knees, continuing to stare at the ground, his once-hopeful eyes now devoid of any trace of hope, and his breathing incredibly labored and erratic. He moved his hand from his mouth, and all of it came to him. The dead bodies, the ruined bar, the criminals that got away, the disapproving eyes that stared down at him. "...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...Professor...Professor...I'm sorry..." he gasped between breaths.
Seeing that the boy was having a panic attack, Rabbit rushed to his side and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. As Soleil continued to mutter the same words over and over again to himself, having completely broken-down as a result of both Ruta's words and the voice in his mind telling him he was worthless. He himself could not speak for a few moments, both from anger at Ruta's roughness and from horror at the degree of the boy's breakdown.
He had indeed expected for Ruta to be angry with him, but he was not expecting quite this. A quiet 'none of it matters'. He knew Ruta was taking his anger at himself out on the boy, and this infuriated him. When he finally spoke, his tone seeped with cold rage. "...Henry, take Soleil with you and the others back to the hotel. Bring him to John and make sure he gets his rest. Antonius and I will meet with you momentarily," he spoke, turning toward Henry and speaking uncharacteristically sharply, "that is an order."




