PL: The EPIC OOC XI [closed]

[The Carlisle]

1) What is your preferred tone/flavor of RP? (comedic, serious, romantic, etc) Serious, but I will go mad if there's no comic relief.

2) Do you prefer light or heavy-content RPs? Poorly posed question. As others are getting at, there's a difference between risk/heaviness (the magnitude of possible changes to characters and the world) tension (the sensitivity of the setting to making to those changes).

Allow me to illustrate the four possibilities. Combat is a frequent occurrence in RPs, so it's a good example:

• risky and tense: gunfighting with realistic rules (characters can die, and can be killed by single shots)
• risky but not tense: D&D melee combat (characters can die, but have so many hit points that single massive hits can be absorbed)
• not risky but tense: martial arts tournments or sparring (characters essentially can't die, but can be knocked out of the match but a single blow)
• not risky nor tense: cartoon combat (characters can't die, and they can drop anvils on each other for twenty minutes before they start to see stars and birdies)

With that in mind: I prefer massively heavy RPs (fate of the world is in characters' hands, but they might die for the cause) with moderately high tension (changing the world takes effort, but so does killing a character).

3) Do you prefer a more linear storyline or one which offers multiple branches for exploration? <Picture of a fractal tree goes here> I have deep and abiding hatred for playing a character in a poorly-written novel (a linear RP).

4) Do you prefer stories run as encapsulated events or as part of emergent, free-form roleplay? Either, with the caveat that "free-form" in PL seems to have the connotation of "neither risky nor tense" (ie, chatting).

5) What is your preferred posting frequency? Somewhere between a post a day and a post every other day. However, I don't object to blitz play from time to time. But also see below for post lengths.

6) What is your preferred response frequency? Somewhere between a post a day and a post every other day. However, I don't object to blitz play from time to time. But also see below for post lengths.

7) What is your preferred post length? A couple of paragraphs at least, and as long as necessary at most. All stories have a natural length, and writing them to other lengths makes messes of them.

However, I've come to appreciate the joy of collaborative posting. Those break all the rules: they usually involve what amount to a bunch of little posts a day. They also clear up some of the redundancy in IGO-UGO conversations or scenes with a lot of action.

And extra-special bonus: they allow scenes to be played out without the dreaded death-by-timeskip that afflicts too much serious character development in PL. (Swith and I lovingly feed and care for our joint pet peeve.)

8) What is your preferred response length? Professional-quality novellas See previous answer.

9) What is your favorite genre? Fantasy (especially high fantasy), but I like tech too.

10) What is your least favorite genre? I'll join the anime hate parade, and I can't see the point of playing FPS-inspired games as RPs. I do have a computer which can play FPSs, y'know.

QUESTIONNAIRETAG A@#P%$) This is not a question and has been intentionally left not blank.

This reminds me how much I want to try collaborative posting.

It's super fun! I've done it with Slob recently.

Also, edited my questionnaire slightly to clarify some things.

[New Aksarben]

This reminds me how much I want to try collaborative posting.

It's super fun! I've done it with Slob recently.

Also, edited my questionnaire slightly to clarify some things.

Collab posting does seem fun, yeah. It'd help people do more proper conversations for sure without a bunch of tiny posts and such, that's for sure.

[Northwest Slobovia]

Collab posting does seem fun, yeah. It'd help people do more proper conversations for sure without a bunch of tiny posts and such, that's for sure.

That's why I've gotten into it. The Romy and Amanda collab would have taken a week to play out one post at a time, and it would have been a steaming pile of story to read... in the unlikely event anybody would have read it.

Edit: Also, it wouldn't have been nearly as fun to play. Ched and I were hanging on each other's every word for a while. While it's a low-risk event (the worst that could have happened was that the characters hated each other's guts) it's very tense, especially to play.

[New Aksarben]

Collab posting does seem fun, yeah. It'd help people do more proper conversations for sure without a bunch of tiny posts and such, that's for sure.

That's why I've gotten into it. The Romy and Amanda collab would have taken a week to play out one post at a time, and it would have been a steaming pile of story to read... in the unlikely event anybody would have read it.

True, but being in one area meant you could get onto other things!

What'd you use to collab it by the way? Previously I've done it through google docs, it worked pretty well for some of my SCP stuff. like the agressive acid spitting plant that I can never remember the number of.

[Northwest Slobovia]

What'd you use to collab it by the way? Previously I've done it through google docs, it worked pretty well for some of my SCP stuff.

Yeah, we summoned the black goat of the internet with a thousand services to play it out.

[Swith Witherward]

Can I expand on a well-made point?

Risky and tense has levels and, in a mixed character/genre RP, those levels can make or break a story.

• risky and tense: gunfighting with realistic rules (characters can die, and can be killed by single shots)
  
  • risky and tense I: As above. Mortals and mundanes can die, etc. They're going up against other mortals and mundanes. Skill points: 0-3. People with powers, special armor, a special attack will win, naturally.
  • risky and tense II: Mortals and mundane will die unless they have a special ability. A superpower, special armor, a special attack is necessary. Skill points range: 4-5
  • risky and tense III: Powerful supernaturals/supranaturals only please. Characters with one or two powers will not survive more than a round or two. The foe requires a superman. For mages, it would be not only the spell, but the dexterity/intelligence stat thrown in. No stats there? Don't get involved. Skill points range: 6-7.
  • risky and tense IV: this is god-level. If your character is demi-god level, it will die by the second round. Skill points range: 8-13.

"But my character has Wind of Ass, and it's level 5! I should be allowed into a Level III battle! I want to take the risk!"

No. Characters can increase their skill points over time. That's why we've gone Epic, and why Cer TG'd some of you and allowed you to bump some abilities beyond 7.

I really have no idea how Cer sets points for your characters. I think he keeps shit quiet to prevent needless squabbles from points-mongers. So, generically:

My character - cultist. Human HP: 100; species/class bonus: +200 HP
Phys
Dex: 5
Int: 5
Agility: 4
Talents
Dodge: 6
Firearm: 2
Power
Regeneration: 8
Sphere-casting: 8
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS, including HP: 336

Your character - human with a special ability. Human HP: 100
Wind of Ass: 5
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS, including HP: 105

Level III Enemy
Abilities: whatever
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS: 400

Points in stats are actually used to modify dice rolls. Cer usually uses percentiles. So let's say that the bad guy's stats are added up, including any weapon bonuses. We have a 40% chance to dodge a shot this round. That means our roll must be under 40% in order to succeed.

My character needs to dodge an attack, I have dex+dodge: +11. I'll burn some energy to cast a sphere: +8. My roll is bumped +19. My roll must be under 59%. I have a 41% chance of being hit. If I fail, I'm hit. The weapon can potentially do 100 points of damage per shot. GM rolls for damage, rolling a perfect 100. I'm a cultist. 300 base hit points. I take 100 points of damage, limp a turn as I regenerate. Fight on.

Your character has 0. Further, she can't dodge shit. Take an additional -5. Your roll must be under 35%. That means you have a 65% chance of being hit. If you fail the roll, you're hit. The weapon can potentially do 100 points of damage per shot. GM rolls for damage, rolling a perfect 100. You're human. You have 100 base hit points. You take 100 points of damage. Yer ded.



"The fuck this transfer into PL style RP?"

The GM tracks our shit. We sometimes get bonus points for how well our post is written. He'll write a lovely post that states my character was hit, and describe the damage (direct hit, full blast vs just grazed vs shot in arm, leaving it useless. It's up to me as a player to factor that in as I write, but I'm familiar enough with my character to work the damage into her next round.

The only time this system was fully used in PL was during Epic when Nes fell, and during a few of the battles between Cer and I in earlier threads. Charu won against Atosh because of Cer's crappy roles that day. Months later, Charu died because I rolled a 00 (catastrophic fail) in combat with a Bloodthirster. We make a battle doc and go to town, then turn each round into an eloquent post.

People hate dice! Normally, Cer never makes a player roll. Instead, he lazily rolls percentiles to see if his own NPC bad guys succeed in dodging. Klaus would need to roll under 90% against Torii's side arm. A fiend would need to roll under 5%.

The Fiend battle was a bit of a test to gauge a player's ability to allot damage to their characters without the GM having to enforce it. Some players did well. Others had their characters walk out of the wicked grass with only a scratch. Our next huge, brutal battle will probably see a bit of GM enforcing damage as far as some "oh so lucky PCs" go.

Part of my snitfit at the beginning of the thread is that I was taking a Level III character into a Level III situation for the thrill of it. The odds were in my favor 50%, after combining all of my character's necessary skill points. Once we have Level I characters jump on board, the GM dropped the situation to a Level I rather than wipe the board of a whole bunch of characters. My odds for winning were then incredibly high. I would have to pull back on my character's abilities in order to "not win the day" or deprive players of a challenge. I get sooooo tired of nerfing my characters.

[Tiltjuice]

In other news...Old French meets MLP. Great success!

This whole MLP situation reminds of that one episode of Spongebob where Sandy was trying to fit fun things in before hibernation, and...

Sandy: Spongebob, come on, we're going for a ride through the park!~
Spongebob: Jee, that sounds safe! I mean fun! *gets on the bike*
*bike speeds off dangerously*
Spongebob: I think you said we were going for a ride through the park, Sandy!
Sandy: We are! The Industrial Park!

"I thought you said we were going to Equestria, Gio!"
"We are! Pre-classical Equestria!"

Nobody expects the Spanish Equestrisition!

[Monfrox]

Nothing like finding out your CAP group has been activated to do Disaster Relief on the morning of Christmas Eve.

I'll get a post up real quick here.

[Giovenith]

Nothing like finding out your CAP group has been activated to do Disaster Relief on the morning of Christmas Eve.

I'll get a post up real quick here.

It's important. This is the time of year when more grandmas than ever are run over by reindeer.

[Monfrox]

Nothing like finding out your CAP group has been activated to do Disaster Relief on the morning of Christmas Eve.

I'll get a post up real quick here.

It's important. This is the time of year when more grandmas than ever are run over by reindeer.

Especially in this crazy typhoon weather we've been getting.

[The BranRiech]

Risky and tense has levels and, in a mixed character/genre RP, those levels can make or break a story.

• risky and tense: gunfighting with realistic rules (characters can die, and can be killed by single shots)
  
  • risky and tense I: As above. Mortals and mundanes can die, etc. They're going up against other mortals and mundanes. Skill points: 0-3. People with powers, special armor, a special attack will win, naturally.
  • risky and tense II: Mortals and mundane will die unless they have a special ability. A superpower, special armor, a special attack is necessary. Skill points range: 4-5
  • risky and tense III: Powerful supernaturals/supranaturals only please. Characters with one or two powers will not survive more than a round or two. The foe requires a superman. For mages, it would be not only the spell, but the dexterity/intelligence stat thrown in. No stats there? Don't get involved. Skill points range: 6-7.
  • risky and tense IV: this is god-level. If your character is demi-god level, it will die by the second round. Skill points range: 8-13.

But what's going to be the level of most of the stories that end up getting run at some point? You and the other OPs always tell people not to play overly-powerful characters, yet a good majority of these risk/tense levels require a more powerful character. Look at it from my perspective, none of my characters would make it past level 1 (Talking about the characters I have active right now, Bran, Yuna, and Drova). They could probably survive in level 2 for a few minutes, but their powers just aren't oriented towards combat. So if most of the stories being run are at level 2, or higher, I'd be left out and sitting around wondering why I don't get to do anything, like in the old PL. Likewise, it always feels like only the powerful characters are the ones who end up affecting the overarching story of PL, because the higher-level stories are the ones that end up having the potential to drastically change the world/story, so lower-level characters (And the players who play them) end up getting to do screw-all in terms of contribution.

EDIT: Ah, sorry! I don't think I made it clear. I'm not angry or annoyed or anything. This is mainly just a mixture of concerns/me playing devil's advocate. I know I have a history of blowing up over stuff like this, but don't worry, this ain't one of those times.

[Primordial Luxa]

Can I expand on a well-made point?

Risky and tense has levels and, in a mixed character/genre RP, those levels can make or break a story.

• risky and tense: gunfighting with realistic rules (characters can die, and can be killed by single shots)
  
  • risky and tense I: As above. Mortals and mundanes can die, etc. They're going up against other mortals and mundanes. Skill points: 0-3. People with powers, special armor, a special attack will win, naturally.
  • risky and tense II: Mortals and mundane will die unless they have a special ability. A superpower, special armor, a special attack is necessary. Skill points range: 4-5
  • risky and tense III: Powerful supernaturals/supranaturals only please. Characters with one or two powers will not survive more than a round or two. The foe requires a superman. For mages, it would be not only the spell, but the dexterity/intelligence stat thrown in. No stats there? Don't get involved. Skill points range: 6-7.
  • risky and tense IV: this is god-level. If your character is demi-god level, it will die by the second round. Skill points range: 8-13.

"But my character has Wind of Ass, and it's level 5! I should be allowed into a Level III battle! I want to take the risk!"

No. Characters can increase their skill points over time. That's why we've gone Epic, and why Cer TG'd some of you and allowed you to bump some abilities beyond 7.

I really have no idea how Cer sets points for your characters. I think he keeps shit quiet to prevent needless squabbles from points-mongers. So, generically:

My character - cultist. Human HP: 100; species/class bonus: +200 HP
Phys
Dex: 5
Int: 5
Agility: 4
Talents
Dodge: 6
Firearm: 2
Power
Regeneration: 8
Sphere-casting: 8
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS, including HP: 336

Your character - human with a special ability. Human HP: 100
Wind of Ass: 5
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS, including HP: 105

Level III Enemy
Abilities: whatever
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS: 400

Points in stats are actually used to modify dice rolls. Cer usually uses percentiles. So let's say that the bad guy's stats are added up, including any weapon bonuses. We have a 40% chance to dodge a shot this round. That means our roll must be under 40% in order to succeed.

My character needs to dodge an attack, I have dex+dodge: +11. I'll burn some energy to cast a sphere: +8. My roll is bumped +19. My roll must be under 59%. I have a 41% chance of being hit. If I fail, I'm hit. The weapon can potentially do 100 points of damage per shot. GM rolls for damage, rolling a perfect 100. I'm a cultist. 300 base hit points. I take 100 points of damage, limp a turn as I regenerate. Fight on.

Your character has 0. Further, she can't dodge shit. Take an additional -5. Your roll must be under 35%. That means you have a 65% chance of being hit. If you fail the roll, you're hit. The weapon can potentially do 100 points of damage per shot. GM rolls for damage, rolling a perfect 100. You're human. You have 100 base hit points. You take 100 points of damage. Yer ded.



"The fuck this transfer into PL style RP?"

The GM tracks our shit. We sometimes get bonus points for how well our post is written. He'll write a lovely post that states my character was hit, and describe the damage (direct hit, full blast vs just grazed vs shot in arm, leaving it useless. It's up to me as a player to factor that in as I write, but I'm familiar enough with my character to work the damage into her next round.

The only time this system was fully used in PL was during Epic when Nes fell, and during a few of the battles between Cer and I in earlier threads. Charu won against Atosh because of Cer's crappy roles that day. Months later, Charu died because I rolled a 00 (catastrophic fail) in combat with a Bloodthirster. We make a battle doc and go to town, then turn each round into an eloquent post.

People hate dice! Normally, Cer never makes a player roll. Instead, he lazily rolls percentiles to see if his own NPC bad guys succeed in dodging. Klaus would need to roll under 90% against Torii's side arm. A fiend would need to roll under 5%.

The Fiend battle was a bit of a test to gauge a player's ability to allot damage to their characters without the GM having to enforce it. Some players did well. Others had their characters walk out of the wicked grass with only a scratch. Our next huge, brutal battle will probably see a bit of GM enforcing damage as far as some "oh so lucky PCs" go.

Part of my snitfit at the beginning of the thread is that I was taking a Level III character into a Level III situation for the thrill of it. The odds were in my favor 50%, after combining all of my character's necessary skill points. Once we have Level I characters jump on board, the GM dropped the situation to a Level I rather than wipe the board of a whole bunch of characters. My odds for winning were then incredibly high. I would have to pull back on my character's abilities in order to "not win the day" or deprive players of a challenge. I get sooooo tired of nerfing my characters.

As a person whose main RP realm is pen and paper these numbers look very fun to me.
I would love to see more.

[New Aksarben]

Same, like I actually appreciate when things are laid out like that so I can know the general area of risk going into something like that. Though my introduction to DnD wasn't probably the normal one, the dm did make it obvious when we couldn't properly fight something. Usually not the case for my charcater I managed to get a super OP character for early game with enough health he could take a punch to the face by an ogre and just shake it off.

[The BranRiech]

Mmm, I suppose part of my concerns is that I have absolutely no history with number-based RPs

[Northwest Slobovia]

Can I expand on a well-made point?

Sure, but now you owe me another collab.

"But my character has Wind of Ass, and it's level 5! I should be allowed into a Level III battle! I want to take the risk!"

But what's going to be the level of most of the stories that end up getting run at some point? [...] So if most of the stories being run are at level 2, or higher, I'd be left out and sitting around wondering why I don't get to do anything, like in the old PL.

To expand on Swith's expansion of my point, stories probably shouldn't have a single value to describe them but scenes (in this case, battles) should. IMO, a story has a bunch of scenes, each of which can have their own tone (serious or comic, for example), riskiness and tension, skills or abilities they require, and possibly even different genres.

For example, a story could be all risky and tense combat scenes with RL contemporary weapons. That could be a series of battles in a war. But that's not a very interesting story: all there is to do is fight, and that means the characters are limited to those with a narrow set of skills.

A more reasonable story might interleave combat scenes with scenes requiring other skills (planning and social skills are pretty typical for fighting-heavy stories). That could require characters with lots and lots of skills (fighting skills and other skills) or several groups of characters that participate in turn.

In PL, I think a large story arc should be more like the latter: there shoud be many scenes, each requiring different skills/abilities, and so on. We might have some battle scenes, and some scenes requiring social abilities, and some which need supernatural abilities, and some that take high-tech skills. (Since I like branching, emergent play, it may not even be posssible to lay out all of the different scenes that make up the story in advance.) The advantage of a set up like this is that different characters (and thus different players) can participate in a single story/story arc at different times.

Likewise, it always feels like only the powerful characters are the ones who end up affecting the overarching story of PL, because the higher-level stories are the ones that end up having the potential to drastically change the world/story, so lower-level characters (And the players who play them) end up getting to do screw-all in terms of contribution.

I think I agree with this in part, but I want to put off discussing it for a bit, because it gets into a couple of broader questions of RP design and play. It seems to me that Cer and the Co-OPs have made one set of choices about them, but I'm not sure.

I really have no idea how Cer sets points for your characters. I think he keeps shit quiet to prevent needless squabbles from points-mongers. So, generically:

My character - cultist. Human HP: 100; species/class bonus: +200 HP
Phys
Dex: 5
Int: 5
Agility: 4
Talents
Dodge: 6
Firearm: 2
Power
Regeneration: 8
Sphere-casting: 8
TOTAL COMBAT POINTS, including HP: 336

As a person whose main RP realm is pen and paper these numbers look very fun to me. I would love to see more.

Swith raises a couple of points here I'd like to emphasize.

1) PL may use a point-buy system under the hood, something like GURPS or Hero System. Characters have "real" abilities that are driven by the stuff visible on our apps. Point-buy systems are, IME, very good ways of expressing and thinking about RP characters and what they can do. Those of us with pen&paper/table-top RPG experience often are used to point-buy systems (me, and it appears Swith and Prim).

2) If there is a point-buy system for PL, it's opaque to the players. This is good and bad.

It's good because, as Swith says, people can't argue about what they don't know. Some point-buy systems and games are notorious for point-pimping and rules-lawyering, as players try to exploit the rules to their advantage. This is Not Fun.

But it's bad because we only have the haziest ideas of what characters can do, which means we can easily get in over our heads. It also means we can underestimate what our characters can do, which leads to some of the problems Bran was discussing. If a player doesn't think their character can influence (or even survive) a scene or a story, they sit it out. Too many like that, and they get bored and/or frustrated. This is also Not Fun.

Thinking about how to make it Fun requires thinking and careful implementation. That may also be a question for Cer&Co.

[Giovenith]

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! I've never met anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, but happy that too! Happy Holidays to all, hope you all have a great time with your friends and family!

[The BranRiech]

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! I've never met anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, but happy that too! Happy Holidays to all, hope you all have a great time with your friends and family!

You forgot the trifecta! Christmahanukkwanza, you get like, 2 months off for that one.

[Cerillium]

I'll clarify things after the current batch of relatives leaves. Crazy-busy IRL today.

[Highfort]

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! I've never met anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, but happy that too! Happy Holidays to all, hope you all have a great time with your friends and family!

You forgot the trifecta! Christmahanukkwanza, you get like, 2 months off for that one.

Also, for anyone who gets annoyed with holiday specific greetings...


HAPPY SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[Cerillium]

Also, for anyone who gets annoyed with holiday specific greetings...


HAPPY SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I'm so there today. So, so there. I can't wait until the 26th. "Christmas is over, get the fuck out" becomes my mumbled mantra.

[New Aksarben]

Also, for anyone who gets annoyed with holiday specific greetings...


HAPPY SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I'm so there today. So, so there. I can't wait until the 26th. "Christmas is over, get the fuck out" becomes my mumbled mantra.

Sounds like my uncle

[Torsiedelle]

Merry Christmas, yada-yada-yada...

Last year I got a coffee cup, some flannel pajama pants, and wool socks. I was the happiest dude in town.

It's the little things, like having my coffee and a warm lower body.

[The BranRiech]

Oh yeah . . . Happy Holidays, chaps!

Just got back from the Whitehorse (Badass last name, eh?) Christmas party.

I also finished my sheet for the Branriech Army's vehicles. These are all self-propelled vehicles that are used by my Armed Forces.

[The New Velociraptor Empire]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nested all snug in their beds;
While visions of excessively expensive plastic toys danced in their heads;
And mamma in her seasonal undies, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
With a smartphone in hand I threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a firey wreck and eight battle scared rein-deer,
With a little old pilot so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
Then from the skies a mad laugh came,
For it was a featherless dinosaur in a jetpack, for it was to blame:
"Now old man you shall see! What one gets for pirated DVDs!
You are likewise guilty of stealing intellectual property!"
"Do you think Kris Kringle will stand for this slanderous assault? No, not at all!
Such a naughty boy does not deserve coal! I'll leave you but a smear on the wall!"
As Santa retorted, he unhooked Dasher for his mount to fly,
They would soon meet with the dino, to do battle in the sky;
So up above the housetop the combatants they flew
With festively themed weapons, and lightsabers too—
And then, after the firefight, I heard on the roof
The frantic scraping of more than a hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was covered in lacerations, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A couple katanas he had strapped on his back,
And he looked exhausted as he primed an explosive pack.
His eyebrows—how they furrowed! his expression not merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his blood like jam cherry!
It was not long before his Jurassic nemesis did follow,
Armed with a flamethrower at the door, melting the snow;
The pin of a grenade it held tight in its teeth,
After a BANG the front door was nothing but a charred wreath;
Santa charged the brute and made a slash for its belly
the monster fired a ray that missed, turning the tree to jelly.
The two duked it out on my porch then I noticed an elf,
Sitting near the crashed sleigh, aiming a minigun towards myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled the lizard with lead; then spat on the jerk,
And wiping the blood off his nose,
And giving a nod, into the street he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Raptor-free Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

[Mincaldenteans]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nested all snug in their beds;
While visions of excessively expensive plastic toys danced in their heads;
And mamma in her seasonal undies, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
With a smartphone in hand I threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a firey wreck and eight battle scared rein-deer,
With a little old pilot so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
Then from the skies a mad laugh came,
For it was a featherless dinosaur in a jetpack, for it was to blame:
"Now old man you shall see! What one gets for pirated DVDs!
You are likewise guilty of stealing intellectual property!"
"Do you think Kris Kringle will stand for this slanderous assault? No, not at all!
Such a naughty boy does not deserve coal! I'll leave you but a smear on the wall!"
As Santa retorted, he unhooked Dasher for his mount to fly,
They would soon meet with the dino, to do battle in the sky;
So up above the housetop the combatants they flew
With festively themed weapons, and lightsabers too—
And then, after the firefight, I heard on the roof
The frantic scraping of more than a hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was covered in lacerations, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A couple katanas he had strapped on his back,
And he looked exhausted as he primed an explosive pack.
His eyebrows—how they furrowed! his expression not merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his blood like jam cherry!
It was not long before his Jurassic nemesis did follow,
Armed with a flamethrower at the door, melting the snow;
The pin of a grenade it held tight in its teeth,
After a BANG the front door was nothing but a charred wreath;
Santa charged the brute and made a slash for its belly
the monster fired a ray that missed, turning the tree to jelly.
The two duked it out on my porch then I noticed an elf,
Sitting near the crashed sleigh, aiming a minigun towards myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled the lizard with lead; then spat on the jerk,
And wiping the blood off his nose,
And giving a nod, into the street he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Raptor-free Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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