Evil at its Finest | OOC | Closed For Now

[Lavan Tiri]

Plot synopsis is done. Might work on a summary once a chapter is concluded, or when subplots start to converge.

I love it, truely I do

I beg of you to continue writing that!

Please, do. I couldn't stop laughing

[Great Empire of Gamilus]

Now I play the waiting game IC'ly and come in after everyone else has visited his darkness. Man I feel like I am going to be waiting for a long time.

[Tuthina]

Now I play the waiting game IC'ly and come in after everyone else has visited his darkness. Man I feel like I am going to be waiting for a long time.

The autograph line is long.

[Helcasia]

I don't want to spoil the IC with my inexperienced work, so here* is what I intend to add. How is it?
*[deleted]

[Tuthina]

I don't want to spoil the IC with my inexperienced work, so here* is what I intend to add. How is it?

(A field/village near the) Ruins of the Temple of Akhala
Na'onakh, Hil'sha
"Rise my disciple - take me to your family. I shall cure your younger son."
"Yes, my Lord, but..." said peasant hesitantly, knowing that he should not question his god.
"But what? Speak!"
"How did you know that my younger son was dying, my lord?"
"I am a god - gods know everything." Na'onakh responded. "Now do as I commanded"
As the peasant began to walk towards the village, Na'onakh raised his hand and sent the peasant flying across the field with a force from his Harahesh. He the walking towards the shocked peasant lying on ground in pain.
"Get up - and never question your god again."
The peasant lived in a small wooden shack with his two sons and wife. His elder son helped to tend the farm, while his wife remained at the house to tend to domestic duties and to their younger son who was ill and dying.
"There is my home, Lord" the peasant said pointing to a wooden shack in the distance.
"Remain here" ordered Na'onakh. The peasant obeyed, though he did not understand he was sure not to repeat his mistake.
Na'onakh walked ahead to the peasant's home. The elder son was outside carrying logs for a fire.
Na'onakh approached and said "Good day! I'm a traveller, but you see I'm lost. Could you possibly assist me with directions".
The elder son placed down the logs, approached, and responded "You don't look like a traveller, where are your supplies?"
Na'onakh looked down at himself, the looked up at the peasant's elder son and smiled.
"Khi na'o von. Sim'esalfe jeth, Khi evakh." (I don't know. I seem to have misplaced them.)
Then he rapidly raised his hand, and to the son what he did to the father.
"Remain here my disciple, while I find your mother"
Na'onakh entered the shack. The peasant's wife was there tending to the younger son who was asleep. A floor board creaked as he approached her. She turned to see him standing in her home.
"Who are you?! What are doing in my home?!"
"That is no way to speak to guests" Responded Na'onakh, raising his hand to convert her.
They emerged from the shack with the mother carrying the sick child. The family followed Na'onakh back to the ruins and the sepulchre. The child was placed within, and in a single hour the chamber had cured the younger son.
"Return to your village. Tell them of my miracle. Let come here. Tell the neighbouring villages."

A bit too dialogue-heavy for my taste. I think you can benefit from developing more on non-dialogue description. For example, what was Na'onakh thinking when he follows and converts others? How about the new disciple? His family? You can also talk a bit more about the environment, although I suspect there might not be many changes since your last post. You can also add more descriptions on their gestures and kinesics. While most of us communicate thought speech, body language is arguably as important as spoken words in terms of conveying meanings and nuances.

[Glovania]

I wish Elerian would come back online so he can see my app.

[Yoite]

I wish Elerian would come back online so he can see my app.

Elerian is A) Busy, and B) Not in your time zone.

Calm down, he'll get to it. If you can't wait then don't.

[Yoite]

I don't want to spoil the IC with my inexperienced work, so here* is what I intend to add. How is it?

(A field/village near the) Ruins of the Temple of Akhala
Na'onakh, Hil'sha
"Rise my disciple - take me to your family. I shall cure your younger son."
"Yes, my Lord, but..." said peasant hesitantly, knowing that he should not question his god.
"But what? Speak!"
"How did you know that my younger son was dying, my lord?"
"I am a god - gods know everything." Na'onakh responded. "Now do as I commanded"
As the peasant began to walk towards the village, Na'onakh raised his hand and sent the peasant flying across the field with a force from his Harahesh. He the walking towards the shocked peasant lying on ground in pain.
"Get up - and never question your god again."
The peasant lived in a small wooden shack with his two sons and wife. His elder son helped to tend the farm, while his wife remained at the house to tend to domestic duties and to their younger son who was ill and dying.
"There is my home, Lord" the peasant said pointing to a wooden shack in the distance.
"Remain here" ordered Na'onakh. The peasant obeyed, though he did not understand he was sure not to repeat his mistake.
Na'onakh walked ahead to the peasant's home. The elder son was outside carrying logs for a fire.
Na'onakh approached and said "Good day! I'm a traveller, but you see I'm lost. Could you possibly assist me with directions".
The elder son placed down the logs, approached, and responded "You don't look like a traveller, where are your supplies?"
Na'onakh looked down at himself, the looked up at the peasant's elder son and smiled.
"Khi na'o von. Sim'esalfe jeth, Khi evakh." (I don't know. I seem to have misplaced them.)
Then he rapidly raised his hand, and to the son what he did to the father.
"Remain here my disciple, while I find your mother"
Na'onakh entered the shack. The peasant's wife was there tending to the younger son who was asleep. A floor board creaked as he approached her. She turned to see him standing in her home.
"Who are you?! What are doing in my home?!"
"That is no way to speak to guests" Responded Na'onakh, raising his hand to convert her.
They emerged from the shack with the mother carrying the sick child. The family followed Na'onakh back to the ruins and the sepulchre. The child was placed within, and in a single hour the chamber had cured the younger son.
"Return to your village. Tell them of my miracle. Let come here. Tell the neighbouring villages."

A bit too dialogue-heavy for my taste. I think you can benefit from developing more on non-dialogue description. For example, what was Na'onakh thinking when he follows and converts others? How about the new disciple? His family? You can also talk a bit more about the environment, although I suspect there might not be many changes since your last post. You can also add more descriptions on their gestures and kinesics. While most of us communicate thought speech, body language is arguably as important as spoken words in terms of conveying meanings and nuances.

The post was good enough as is, but yes you could benefit from this advice. Expanding the environment, and expanding the cramped style of the post.

Just judging on dialogue and plot, I like it though.

[Helcasia]

I don't want to spoil the IC with my inexperienced work, so here* is what I intend to add. How is it?

(A field/village near the) Ruins of the Temple of Akhala
Na'onakh, Hil'sha
"Rise my disciple - take me to your family. I shall cure your younger son."
"Yes, my Lord, but..." said peasant hesitantly, knowing that he should not question his god.
"But what? Speak!"
"How did you know that my younger son was dying, my lord?"
"I am a god - gods know everything." Na'onakh responded. "Now do as I commanded"
As the peasant began to walk towards the village, Na'onakh raised his hand and sent the peasant flying across the field with a force from his Harahesh. He the walking towards the shocked peasant lying on ground in pain.
"Get up - and never question your god again."
The peasant lived in a small wooden shack with his two sons and wife. His elder son helped to tend the farm, while his wife remained at the house to tend to domestic duties and to their younger son who was ill and dying.
"There is my home, Lord" the peasant said pointing to a wooden shack in the distance.
"Remain here" ordered Na'onakh. The peasant obeyed, though he did not understand he was sure not to repeat his mistake.
Na'onakh walked ahead to the peasant's home. The elder son was outside carrying logs for a fire.
Na'onakh approached and said "Good day! I'm a traveller, but you see I'm lost. Could you possibly assist me with directions".
The elder son placed down the logs, approached, and responded "You don't look like a traveller, where are your supplies?"
Na'onakh looked down at himself, the looked up at the peasant's elder son and smiled.
"Khi na'o von. Sim'esalfe jeth, Khi evakh." (I don't know. I seem to have misplaced them.)
Then he rapidly raised his hand, and to the son what he did to the father.
"Remain here my disciple, while I find your mother"
Na'onakh entered the shack. The peasant's wife was there tending to the younger son who was asleep. A floor board creaked as he approached her. She turned to see him standing in her home.
"Who are you?! What are doing in my home?!"
"That is no way to speak to guests" Responded Na'onakh, raising his hand to convert her.
They emerged from the shack with the mother carrying the sick child. The family followed Na'onakh back to the ruins and the sepulchre. The child was placed within, and in a single hour the chamber had cured the younger son.
"Return to your village. Tell them of my miracle. Let come here. Tell the neighbouring villages."

A bit too dialogue-heavy for my taste. I think you can benefit from developing more on non-dialogue description. For example, what was Na'onakh thinking when he follows and converts others? How about the new disciple? His family? You can also talk a bit more about the environment, although I suspect there might not be many changes since your last post. You can also add more descriptions on their gestures and kinesics. While most of us communicate thought speech, body language is arguably as important as spoken words in terms of conveying meanings and nuances.

I don't know how to do that without putting in some odd break in the story.

[Yoite]

Now I play the waiting game IC'ly and come in after everyone else has visited his darkness. Man I feel like I am going to be waiting for a long time.

Here's a thought, meet up with another dark force like Simale Re's and you can enter together. As long as the entrances are orderly enough to respond to, and take Each Other into account, you can come in with the others.

[Yoite]

A bit too dialogue-heavy for my taste. I think you can benefit from developing more on non-dialogue description. For example, what was Na'onakh thinking when he follows and converts others? How about the new disciple? His family? You can also talk a bit more about the environment, although I suspect there might not be many changes since your last post. You can also add more descriptions on their gestures and kinesics. While most of us communicate thought speech, body language is arguably as important as spoken words in terms of conveying meanings and nuances.

I don't know how to do that without putting in some odd break in the story.

Use paragraphs instead of sentences.

Edit: Mine are a bit of a stiff transition for you, so take a look at how the Black Plains, Delmonte, or Liech make posts.

[Tuthina]

I don't know how to do that without putting in some odd break in the story.

That is something very difficult to teach, since it depends a lot on your writing style and focus. Try to follow the flow of characters' emotions and senses. An example would be that when the peasant hesitates, you can develop a bit more on such hesitation. What was he thinking? How does he view his new-found god? How does his growing devotion complement or conflict his existing feeling for his family? While we all know the answer is a few lines ahead, showing one's internal working never hurts.

[Elerian]

So am I accepted?

Mini Factions App-
Faction name: Ice Warriors
Faction Leader: Aleca the Ice Queen
Soldier types:
- 20 Frozen Huscarls - Guys in Viking-esque armour, weliding Great axes.
- 40 Frozen Bowmen - Guys with chain mail and crossbows
- 40 Frozen Pikemen - Guys in chain mail with long spears.

Character App-
Character Name: Aleca the Ice Queen
Appearance: Here
Equipment: Longbow made of Dark Ice
Skills: Dark Ice magic, skilled with a bow.
Backstory: Lived as the daughter of a hunter in a village to the north of the lands. One day, her village was looted and burnt by raiders, and she was the only survivor. She left the smouldering village, and stumbled out into the cold winter blizzard with only her fathers bow in hand. She stubbed through the snow drifts for hours before she finally found a cave. She stumbled inside, where she found a skeleton covered in rags over in the corner, and strange engravings in the wall that seemed to glow blue.

She walked over to them, and began to read what they said to herself in a quiet whisper. When she finished, she heard laughing all around her as dark winds blew around her. She saw a woman's face manifest out if the shadow, before the shadowy gas surged towards her, knocking her to the ground. She looked at the ground around her, and found that it was some kind of blacks sludge which she was sinking into. She tried to move, but it was lime beig in a tar pit - she cod harly move anything. She eventually slipped beneath the surface of the liquid, where she fel unconcious. When she woke up, she was in the same cave, but she felt different. She felt cold.

She looked down at her clothes, and saw that she was wearing a short black dress with knee high black boots with heels. She looked at her arms and saw that they had become a much whiter shade. Her hair had turned a snowy white colour, with steaks of blue going through it. She stood up, and liked down at her hands. Cold mist was coming off them, and falling to the ground. She then smiled evilly as she realised that she had absorbed magic from that strange spirit. She could now control ice and snow at will. Her soul had also been changed another way by the evil spirit - it had been corrupted as much as a soul possibly could be, but Aleca didn't care.

RP examples: http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=305236&p=21016237&hilit=Charlie#p21016237
Anything else we should know?: nope.

First if all do better on spelling. It's not that hard to run it through a word processor or just read back over it. Also she is evil yes?

[Yoite]

So am I accepted?

Mini Factions App-
Faction name: Ice Warriors
Faction Leader: Aleca the Ice Queen
Soldier types:
- 20 Frozen Huscarls - Guys in Viking-esque armour, weliding Great axes.
- 40 Frozen Bowmen - Guys with chain mail and crossbows
- 40 Frozen Pikemen - Guys in chain mail with long spears.

Character App-
Character Name: Aleca the Ice Queen
Appearance: Here
Equipment: Longbow made of Dark Ice
Skills: Dark Ice magic, skilled with a bow.
Backstory: Lived as the daughter of a hunter in a village to the north of the lands. One day, her village was looted and burnt by raiders, and she was the only survivor. She left the smouldering village, and stumbled out into the cold winter blizzard with only her fathers bow in hand. She stubbed through the snow drifts for hours before she finally found a cave. She stumbled inside, where she found a skeleton covered in rags over in the corner, and strange engravings in the wall that seemed to glow blue.

She walked over to them, and began to read what they said to herself in a quiet whisper. When she finished, she heard laughing all around her as dark winds blew around her. She saw a woman's face manifest out if the shadow, before the shadowy gas surged towards her, knocking her to the ground. She looked at the ground around her, and found that it was some kind of blacks sludge which she was sinking into. She tried to move, but it was lime beig in a tar pit - she cod harly move anything. She eventually slipped beneath the surface of the liquid, where she fel unconcious. When she woke up, she was in the same cave, but she felt different. She felt cold.

She looked down at her clothes, and saw that she was wearing a short black dress with knee high black boots with heels. She looked at her arms and saw that they had become a much whiter shade. Her hair had turned a snowy white colour, with steaks of blue going through it. She stood up, and liked down at her hands. Cold mist was coming off them, and falling to the ground. She then smiled evilly as she realised that she had absorbed magic from that strange spirit. She could now control ice and snow at will. Her soul had also been changed another way by the evil spirit - it had been corrupted as much as a soul possibly could be, but Aleca didn't care.

RP examples: http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=305236&p=21016237&hilit=Charlie#p21016237
Anything else we should know?: nope.

First if all do better on spelling. It's not that hard to run it through a word processor or just read back over it. Also she is evil yes?

I feel like that spelling wasn't his fault. The first paragraph and a half of the bio was fine, then randomly there was a slew of spelling errors which then disappeared again for the last paragraph.

[Elerian]

First if all do better on spelling. It's not that hard to run it through a word processor or just read back over it. Also she is evil yes?

I feel like that spelling wasn't his fault. The first paragraph and a half of the bio was fine, then randomly there was a slew of spelling errors which then disappeared again for the last paragraph.

Even still, I like to understand what I read. I realize that sometimes you make mistakes but just throwing through word tales all of two minutes.

[Helcasia]

I added about 100 words. It's still mostly dialogue, but really a field isn't that interesting.
How's it now?

(A field/village near the) Ruins of the Temple of Akhala
Na'onakh, Hil'sha
"Rise my disciple - take me to your family. I shall cure your younger son."
"Yes, my Lord, but..." said peasant hesitantly, knowing that he should not question his god. The village priest had told him that questioning a god is blasphemous, and that blasphemy is among the worst of sins. The peasant did not want to jeopardise his new found path to salvation by offending his god while in his presence. However, he though, this question surely isn't offensive - surely a god would understand his curiosity.
"But what? Speak!"
"How did you know that my younger son was dying, my lord?"
"I am a god - gods know everything." Na'onakh responded. "Now do as I commanded"
As the peasant began to walk towards the village, Na'onakh raised his hand and sent the peasant flying across the field with a force from his Harahesh. He the walked up to the shocked peasant lying on ground in pain.
"Get up - and never question your god again."
Such an idiot, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? The peasant thought to himself as he stood up.

The peasant lived in a small wooden shack with his two sons and wife. His elder son helped to tend the farm, while his wife remained at the house to tend to domestic duties and to their younger son who was ill and dying.
"There is my home, Lord" the peasant said pointing to a somewhat weathered wooden shack in the distance.
"Remain here" ordered Na'onakh. The peasant obeyed, though he did not understand he was sure not to repeat his mistake.
Na'onakh walked ahead to the peasant's home. The elder son was outside carrying logs for a fire.
Na'onakh approached and said "Good day! I'm a traveller, but you see I'm lost. Could you possibly assist me with directions".
The elder son placed down the logs, approached, and responded "You don't look like a traveller, where are your supplies?"
Na'onakh looked down at himself, the looked up at the peasant's elder son and smiled.
"Khi na'o von. Sim'esalfe jeth, Khi evakh."* he said while raising his hand to convert the son just as he converted the father.
*(I don't know. I seem to have misplaced them.)

"Remain here my disciple, while I find your mother"
The elder son obeyed his god and stood outside while Na'onakh entered the shack. The peasant's wife was there tending to the younger son who was asleep. A floor board creaked as he approached her. She turned to see him standing in her home.
"Who are you?! What are doing in my home?!"
"That is no way to speak to guests" Responded Na'onakh, raising his hand to convert her.
They emerged from the shack with the mother carrying the sick child. The family followed Na'onakh back to the ruins and the sepulchre. The child was placed within, and in a single hour the chamber had cured the younger son.
"Return to your village. Tell them of my miracle. Let come here. Tell the neighbouring villages."

[Tuthina]

I added about 100 words. It's still mostly dialogue, but really a field isn't that interesting.
How's it now?

(A field/village near the) Ruins of the Temple of Akhala
Na'onakh, Hil'sha
"Rise my disciple - take me to your family. I shall cure your younger son."
"Yes, my Lord, but..." said peasant hesitantly, knowing that he should not question his god. The village priest had told him that questioning a god is blasphemous, and that blasphemy is among the worst of sins. The peasant did not want to jeopardise his new found path to salvation by offending his god while in his presence. However, he though, this question surely isn't offensive - surely a god would understand his curiosity.
"But what? Speak!"
"How did you know that my younger son was dying, my lord?"
"I am a god - gods know everything." Na'onakh responded. "Now do as I commanded"
As the peasant began to walk towards the village, Na'onakh raised his hand and sent the peasant flying across the field with a force from his Harahesh. He the walked up to the shocked peasant lying on ground in pain.
"Get up - and never question your god again."
Such an idiot, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? The peasant though to himself as he stood up.

The peasant lived in a small wooden shack with his two sons and wife. His elder son helped to tend the farm, while his wife remained at the house to tend to domestic duties and to their younger son who was ill and dying.
"There is my home, Lord" the peasant said pointing to a somewhat weathered wooden shack in the distance.
"Remain here" ordered Na'onakh. The peasant obeyed, though he did not understand he was sure not to repeat his mistake.
Na'onakh walked ahead to the peasant's home. The elder son was outside carrying logs for a fire.
Na'onakh approached and said "Good day! I'm a traveller, but you see I'm lost. Could you possibly assist me with directions".
The elder son placed down the logs, approached, and responded "You don't look like a traveller, where are your supplies?"
Na'onakh looked down at himself, the looked up at the peasant's elder son and smiled.
"Khi na'o von. Sim'esalfe jeth, Khi evakh."* he said while raising his hand to convert the son just as he converted the father.
*(I don't know. I seem to have misplaced them.)

"Remain here my disciple, while I find your mother"
The elder son obeyed his god and stood outside while Na'onakh entered the shack. The peasant's wife was there tending to the younger son who was asleep. A floor board creaked as he approached her. She turned to see him standing in her home.
"Who are you?! What are doing in my home?!"
"That is no way to speak to guests" Responded Na'onakh, raising his hand to convert her.
They emerged from the shack with the mother carrying the sick child. The family followed Na'onakh back to the ruins and the sepulchre. The child was placed within, and in a single hour the chamber had cured the younger son.
"Return to your village. Tell them of my miracle. Let come here. Tell the neighbouring villages."

The details are nice, but I think you might want to distribute them a bit more even, like the internal workings of characters should not focus only on the peasant at that particular point. Maybe my example was not clear enough.

[Glovania]

So am I accepted?

Mini Factions App-
Faction name: Ice Warriors
Faction Leader: Aleca the Ice Queen
Soldier types:
- 20 Frozen Huscarls - Guys in Viking-esque armour, weliding Great axes.
- 40 Frozen Bowmen - Guys with chain mail and crossbows
- 40 Frozen Pikemen - Guys in chain mail with long spears.

Character App-
Character Name: Aleca the Ice Queen
Appearance: Here
Equipment: Longbow made of Dark Ice
Skills: Dark Ice magic, skilled with a bow.
Backstory: Lived as the daughter of a hunter in a village to the north of the lands. One day, her village was looted and burnt by raiders, and she was the only survivor. She left the smouldering village, and stumbled out into the cold winter blizzard with only her fathers bow in hand. She stubbed through the snow drifts for hours before she finally found a cave. She stumbled inside, where she found a skeleton covered in rags over in the corner, and strange engravings in the wall that seemed to glow blue.

She walked over to them, and began to read what they said to herself in a quiet whisper. When she finished, she heard laughing all around her as dark winds blew around her. She saw a woman's face manifest out if the shadow, before the shadowy gas surged towards her, knocking her to the ground. She looked at the ground around her, and found that it was some kind of blacks sludge which she was sinking into. She tried to move, but it was lime beig in a tar pit - she cod harly move anything. She eventually slipped beneath the surface of the liquid, where she fel unconcious. When she woke up, she was in the same cave, but she felt different. She felt cold.

She looked down at her clothes, and saw that she was wearing a short black dress with knee high black boots with heels. She looked at her arms and saw that they had become a much whiter shade. Her hair had turned a snowy white colour, with steaks of blue going through it. She stood up, and liked down at her hands. Cold mist was coming off them, and falling to the ground. She then smiled evilly as she realised that she had absorbed magic from that strange spirit. She could now control ice and snow at will. Her soul had also been changed another way by the evil spirit - it had been corrupted as much as a soul possibly could be, but Aleca didn't care.

RP examples: http://forum.nationstates.net/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=305236&p=21016237&hilit=Charlie#p21016237
Anything else we should know?: nope.

First if all do better on spelling. It's not that hard to run it through a word processor or just read back over it. Also she is evil yes?

Yes, she is evil. And the spelling was the result of typing quickly on a phone - that whole app was done on a screen as big as my palm. And I couldn't not type quickly - it took me the best part of two hours doing that thing even with my speedy fingers.

[Tuthina]

First if all do better on spelling. It's not that hard to run it through a word processor or just read back over it. Also she is evil yes?

Yes, she is evil. And the spelling was the result of typing quickly on a phone - that whole app was done on a screen as big as my palm. And I couldn't not type quickly - it took me the best part of two hours doing that thing even with my speedy fingers.

Well, you can always try to proofread it once you get back to your desktop.

[Yoite]

I added about 100 words. It's still mostly dialogue, but really a field isn't that interesting.
How's it now?

(A field/village near the) Ruins of the Temple of Akhala
Na'onakh, Hil'sha
"Rise my disciple - take me to your family. I shall cure your younger son."
"Yes, my Lord, but..." said peasant hesitantly, knowing that he should not question his god. The village priest had told him that questioning a god is blasphemous, and that blasphemy is among the worst of sins. The peasant did not want to jeopardise his new found path to salvation by offending his god while in his presence. However, he though, this question surely isn't offensive - surely a god would understand his curiosity.
"But what? Speak!"
"How did you know that my younger son was dying, my lord?"
"I am a god - gods know everything." Na'onakh responded. "Now do as I commanded"
As the peasant began to walk towards the village, Na'onakh raised his hand and sent the peasant flying across the field with a force from his Harahesh. He the walked up to the shocked peasant lying on ground in pain.
"Get up - and never question your god again."
Such an idiot, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? The peasant though to himself as he stood up.

The peasant lived in a small wooden shack with his two sons and wife. His elder son helped to tend the farm, while his wife remained at the house to tend to domestic duties and to their younger son who was ill and dying.
"There is my home, Lord" the peasant said pointing to a somewhat weathered wooden shack in the distance.
"Remain here" ordered Na'onakh. The peasant obeyed, though he did not understand he was sure not to repeat his mistake.
Na'onakh walked ahead to the peasant's home. The elder son was outside carrying logs for a fire.
Na'onakh approached and said "Good day! I'm a traveller, but you see I'm lost. Could you possibly assist me with directions".
The elder son placed down the logs, approached, and responded "You don't look like a traveller, where are your supplies?"
Na'onakh looked down at himself, the looked up at the peasant's elder son and smiled.
"Khi na'o von. Sim'esalfe jeth, Khi evakh."* he said while raising his hand to convert the son just as he converted the father.
*(I don't know. I seem to have misplaced them.)

"Remain here my disciple, while I find your mother"
The elder son obeyed his god and stood outside while Na'onakh entered the shack. The peasant's wife was there tending to the younger son who was asleep. A floor board creaked as he approached her. She turned to see him standing in her home.
"Who are you?! What are doing in my home?!"
"That is no way to speak to guests" Responded Na'onakh, raising his hand to convert her.
They emerged from the shack with the mother carrying the sick child. The family followed Na'onakh back to the ruins and the sepulchre. The child was placed within, and in a single hour the chamber had cured the younger son.
"Return to your village. Tell them of my miracle. Let come here. Tell the neighbouring villages."

It was fine before, and this is good too. Don't try and force yourself to cram in more details here, wait until your next post and expand it appropriately.

[Glovania]

Yes, she is evil. And the spelling was the result of typing quickly on a phone - that whole app was done on a screen as big as my palm. And I couldn't not type quickly - it took me the best part of two hours doing that thing even with my speedy fingers.

Well, you can always try to proofread it once you get back to your desktop.

I did this at midnight - by the time I got back to my desktop all I remembered was "I made an app last night", not "I made an app with spelling errors that I should correct now. And besides, most of those errors I didn't even notice - if I had done, they wouldn't be there. I am normally quite good at spelling and grammar.

[Tuthina]

Well, you can always try to proofread it once you get back to your desktop.

I did this at midnight - by the time I got back to my desktop all I remembered was "I made an app last night", not "I made an app with spelling errors that I should correct now. And besides, most of those errors I didn't even notice - if I had done, they wouldn't be there. I am normally quite good at spelling and grammar.

Well, like they said, better safe than sorry.

[Helcasia]

The details are nice, but I think you might want to distribute them a bit more even, like the internal workings of characters should not focus only on the peasant at that particular point. Maybe my example was not clear enough.

The internal workings of the characters aren't really appropriate at this point, given that the unnamed peasant family aren't important characters. I was aiming to put the plot in motion.

[Bearon]

What have I missed I was last on at tentacle grape.

[Tuthina]

The details are nice, but I think you might want to distribute them a bit more even, like the internal workings of characters should not focus only on the peasant at that particular point. Maybe my example was not clear enough.

The internal workings of the characters aren't really appropriate at this point, given that the unnamed peasant family aren't important characters. I was aiming to put the plot in motion.

Well, then you can focus on the important characters? Though then again, pick whatever suits you.