NationStates

The following recording is from the morning of March 27, 2025. On that day, the first and only instalment of the Elfen High School Radio Program was aired. Listen with caution.



There was a muffled sound. And then a cough. And then there was a second, clearer cough.

"Good morning, Elfen High. Ahem. My name is Ringo Norris, class of 2025. If you don't know me, I was the guy who tricked John into fucking that goat. Also, I put those nails onto Headmaster Crowley's chair. Haha. Man, that was the worst weekend of my entire life. Anyways, this is the Elfen High School Radio Program. Elfen High School Radio for short. EHSR for shortest. Here I'll be telling you the news around our little school and community as it happens every day. Fun, right? I think so too.

"Ahem. Earlier this week, Headmaster Crowley went on a diplomatic visit to Bangkok, where reports say that he and the Chancellor of Germany 'caused massive amounts of destruction to public property, in a prank gone wrong.' The prank, witnesses say, involved the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, a Thai ladyboy, a toilet filled with white chocolate and guitar strings, and a baby Indian elephant. I think it's good that, sometimes, we are reminded that our headmaster Mr. Crowley is just like us. Rock on, Mr. C!"

There was a pause.

"The Great and Mighty Lazarian, Head of the Janitorial Department, has issued a statement regarding the toilets in the unisex bathroom on the first floor, just across from Mrs. Nancy's room. You know, the toilets that have been clogged for over two weeks? The Great and Mighty Lazarian has promised to fix the toilets, if Mr. Crowley will increase the school's drug budget. 'I need weed,' he said. 'Seriously, I'm not smart enough to fix this shit. I need more weed.' Negotiations are underway. Or, rather, they would be, if the Great and Mighty Lazarian was talking to the real Mr. Crowley, and not the hologram in the cafeteria that advertises the new Taco Bell stand. It has been three days. If you want to bet on when he will realise that the hologram is not actually Mr. Crowley, but rather the hologram of Mr. Crowley that advertises the new Taco Bell stand, there is a pool going. Talk to Jerry, the gnome who lives in the third stall from the door in the second floor women's bathroom. I have my fingers crossed for Wednesday.

"Rumours of the so-called 'Monkey Girl', who lives in the maintenance tunnels underneath the school - but above the mysterious caverns - are false. This is according to Damien Jameson, who - over the loudspeaker - said 'All of you moronic meat-bags need to stop talking. There is no Monkey Girl. If anybody mentions that rumour again, I will track you down and personally shove a cattle prod up into your anus. I will shock your heart until you die. Then I will lay your body on your mother's doorstep. If your mother lives in an apartment, I will put it in the mailbox. If your mother is dead, I will deliver the body to the next of kin.' He later redacted the statement, clarifying that he would not perform any of the above actions. Instead, an intern would perform those actions.

There was a sipping sound. Then a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Elfen High. Sometimes my throat gets dry on days like this. I am, after all, talking all day and night. I prefer to drink water, myself. Though some like soda, or energy drinks, or coffee."

There was another sipping sound. And then another sigh.

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"The Great and Mighty Lazarian, Head of the Janitorial Department, has become angry at the hologram of Mr. Crowley that advertises the new Taco Bell stand. What angered the demon is unknown, but he has begun flipping tables in the cafeteria. School security has sealed off the cafeteria, believing that once he calms down it will be easier to detain him. Constanza, the cafeteria lady, claims to have been injured in the ruckus, though several witnesses report that she was on her lunch break when tables started being flipped.

"Marie Anders, a sophomore, wandered into the first floor unisex bathroom. That's the one with the clogged toilets, remember? Not knowing the toilets had not been un-clogged, Marie was forced to expel her shit into the sink. Reports say that, enraged with being overused, the bathroom came to life and has begun attacking the school. Marie, along with two other students, have died. School security, busy with the ongoing ruckus in the cafeteria, have failed to comment on the bathroom's homicidal rampage thus far.

"The ghost of American politician John C. Calhoun appeared in the room of Spanish teacher Zarkez Mariachi last Tuesday. Calhoun, demanding tribute for his role in shaping the American government, has refused to leave, despite payments of leather, breast milk, and a surprisingly large pile of 'Best of Queen' CDs that were found in Mr. Crowley's closet. In fact, that was all that was found in Mr. Crowley's closet. Mr. Mariachi said 'Fuck that shit, I'm outta here'. It is unknown if Mr. Mariachi will be returning from his vacation anytime soon.

"The first floor unisex bathroom has continued its killing spree by beheading two more; a senior, Jon Quixote, and security officer Ahmed Brown. School security has detained the Great and Mighty Lazarian, and will keep him as such until the return of Mr. Crowley. The hologram of Mr. Crowley that advertises the new Taco Bell stand has also been detained for his role in enraging the head janitor."

There was a crashing sound. The rolling of wheels of a chair.

"My God... Listeners, please, hear me. The first floor unisex bathroom has entered the studio. Somehow."

There was the sound of splattering on windows.

"Holy shit. Oh my... Listeners, the first floor unisex bathroom, which has just entered the studio, has decapitated my supervisor, Mr. Daniels. It is trying to get into the sound booth. I... I don't think I'm going to survive. Please, if you can still hear me, tell my mother I love her. Tell my brother that I never meant to push him into that radiator when we were kids. He pushed first. Oh God. OH GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAA-"



Silence. Yes, silence. The music of the eternal stretch of black nothing. Of the void. We are just specs. Dust in an impartial breeze of wind that carries on it the universe. No. It carries all of the universes. All of the universes that have died, and all of the universes that will be born. All of the universes that will never die. And all of the universes that will never be born. Sleep with one eye open tonight. But make sure that it is dark, or your eye will catch a glimpse of the things that you must never see. And if you see the things that you must never see? Well... just sleep. And don't see the things that you must never see.