"So, my man Calliel, I got some advice for you." said Laz enthusiastically, downing another pint of vodka in a single gulp. Demon livers were extroardinary - they could handle a ridiculous amount of alcohol and other poisons easily. Laz, of course, just used this to drink as much of the stuff as possible. That was like, the one thing humans had done right. Demon beer was shit. And sometimes literally shit.
Calliel looked up, his head throbbing. One sip. One sip of alcohol. That was all he had, and he felt terrible. Angels were not biologically compatiable with alcohol. Unluckily for Calliel, he didn't know that. He felt slightly bad, actually - "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery." Ephesians 5:17. But he wasn't getting drunk! It was just one drink. Ivy wouldn't mind. It wasn't a sin, right?
"What is your advice?" he replied curiously, squinting at Laz.
"Dude," said Laz, devouring a chicken wing, "you need to get fucking laid. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're a cool guy," he slurred, chewing raucously, "but you could be less fucking uptight sometimes. Getting laid would really help with that."
Calliel looked confused.
"Brother Laz, I would appreciate if you did not use such abusive language. Anyway, I do not quite understand what you mean. I lay down every night in bed." he said, scratching his aching head.
Laz facepalmed, letting out a snort of smoke.
"Sweet lucifer, man, you're thick. I mean, like, sex. You need to have sex. I would know. Here, let me explain it to you real quick."
Suddenly, things registered with Calliel.
"Oh!" he said enthusiastically, raising a single finger in the air, "I understand. Sex. Yes. Ivy has tried to explain it to me. She is not very good at it, Brother Lazarian. Her face always turns rather red and she becomes very embarrassed. I do not quite understand why."
Lazarian laughed.
"Your wife is kinda hot, man, but she's totally a prude and doesn't know how to explain the dirty stuff to you. Doesn't surprise me at all. Angels. Hahahaha." he chortled, steam streaming from his nostrils. "Look, let me explain sex to you. Allllright."
Lifting his hands in the air, he made a circle with his fingers in his left hand, and then pointed with his other hand.
"Alright, see this? Lefty is her. Righty is you." he said, wiggling his fingers. "Now you guys need to do this."
He shoved his pointing finger into the circle. Then, he shoved it in again. He continued repeating this action, poking his finger in and out rapidly, increasing quickly in speed. He did this for at least a minute, grinning like a schoolboy.
Calliel felt slightly uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why.
"Alright," Laz said, stopping, "can you see how it works? You gotta do it rough, man. Bitches love it when you do it rough. Oh, and if she's screaming, that's not a bad thing. She's not hurt. I mean, thought I should tell you that, cause you're an angel and you guys are a bit thick. And if they call out your name, that's a sign that you're doing it right. Just one more thing, though. And this is important. Try not to get her pregnant. If the stork god shows up, punch the fucking shit out of him. You do not want your wife to be pregnant. Pregnant bitches are fucking terrifying. I mean, I've seen a lot of things in five hundred years, and, holy shit, pregnant bitches." he said, wiping sweat off his forehead with his hand.
Calliel glared at Laz.
"My wife is the most beautiful woman alive, and I love her with all of my heart. Do not insult her, Brother Lazarian. She is not a female dog." he said, his voice cold and sharp as steel. Laz put his hands in the air, looking somewhat surprised.
"I'm not insulting your girl, man! She's kinda hot, for an angel. Don't get me wrong, bro. We're cool, right?"
"Oh. Yes, Brother Lazarian, we are...cool." said Calliel, chewing a piece of chicken wing. He paused.
"Now can you explain this "professional wrestling" to me? I do not understand."
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The next night.
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"Ivy," proclaimed Calliel firmly, swinging open the door to their room, "I have something important to tell you." he said enthusiastically, walking over to their bed. She was lying there, reading a book, seeming somewhat bored.
"Yes?" said Ivy, looking up.
"I would like to have a sex with you." announced Calliel proudly, smiling brightly. Ivy dropped the book in surprise, and it fell on the floor with a dull thud. She stared at him for a few moments, and then smiled faintly.
"...really?" she asked, squinting at him. She had tried explaining it to him before, but he didn't understand, and it was embarrassing, and, besides, sex wasn't an important part of their love. Sex was just a part of love - not the entire point of a relationship, just a piece - and they didn't really need it. She was perfectly happy to be with him, whether he understood it or not.
"Yes." he said brightly, coming and sitting down next to her on the bed. "I believe that this is a thing that normal married couples do. People who love each other have a sex. I understand Crowley now! He is always full of love for everybody." he said happily, stroking his hands through her hair. "And I love you, Ivy."
Ivy looked slightly concerned.
"You've never really wanted to do this in the past, Calliel. Are you absolutely sure?"
"Yes. I am entirely sure."
"Okay, then." she said, shrugging. She pulled her shirt off, and started to undress. Calliel was very confused. Laz had not mentioned this. Oh dear. Ivy did not know how to do a sex. That was too bad. He would have to explain it to her.
"Ivy," he informed her, "You do not need to take your clothing off to have a sex. That is immodest."
Ivy stopped mid-unfastening, and looked at him with a look along the lines of "what the fuck, Calliel?".
"Look, Ivy." he sighed. "You do not know how to do a sex. I will explain this to you."
Taking her hand in his, he tenderly and carefully curled her fingers into a circle. Then, his hand trembling, he extended his pointer finger, and then slowly and carefully pushed his finger through the circle.
"There." he said softly, beaming a beautiful smile at her. "We just had a sex."
Ivy stared at him quizzically for a few moments, and then burst out into hysterical laughter. Her face turned red, and she laughed uncontrollably, rapidly running out of air. It was hard for her to breath. Oh, god, was he serious? Was he...yes, he was serious. He was completely and utterly serious. After a few moments, her laughter gradually faded away, and she sighed, letting out a deep breath.
"Oh, Calliel," she sighed, "you'll figure it out eventually."
"Let's have another sex." he said calmly, pressing his finger through hers again. She closed her eyes and let her head fall backwards against the headrest in exasperation.
"Are you...really, Calliel? Really? Well...okay, if you insist." she grumbled.
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"Brother Lazarian!" said Calliel enthusiastically, patting him on the back. "I have wonderous news to tell you!"
Laz turned around, a broom in his hands, his mouth jammed full of an absurd conglomeration of food. He chewed for a few moments, and then swallowed.
"Did you get laid, man?"
"Yes! We did sexes all night long!" replied Calliel cheerfully, picking up a broom and starting to clean the floor. Brother Lazarian always appreciated help in his honorable work of making things clean. Cleanliness was close to godliness, after all, and Brother Lazarian was the cleanest demon he had ever met. Such a good family man, too. He had over thirty children. It required a very large amount of dedication to have so many children.
He paused for a moment, looking slightly confused.
"Ivy seemed very annoyed, though, and she kept trying to sleep. I do not think she is good at having a sex."
"Brother Lazarian" sighed.
"I think you might have done it wrong, man." he said completely seriously, and then he resumed sweeping the floor.
Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:27 pm
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