What happened to Frida you ask? Surely swallowed as such by the depths of Atlantis. Evermore to nevermore be seen. But what happened next? Where did she go? Did she forget her portmanteau? In the depths of memory three norns ponder the fate of the mortal realms. Spinning their weave of time. Let us listen.
interlude
Three dark figures were standing over the broken figure of a young girl.
"Damn it Veridelia, I told you not to get distracted by the strings. Now look what you have done! Seriously, sometimes I think you do it on purpose."
"I'm so sorry dear sis but surely one mortal more or less can't matter all too much?"
"The stipulates have still been violated, we should make it up to her" a third voice chimed in.
"You've wanted a brake for a long time anyway Veridelia, I suggest you do the churns."
"Not a chance!"
"Do I have to speak to the father?"
"You wouldn't!"
"Please, dear sisters, let us not argue. Let her decide. Let us test her will."
She didn't want to wake up. The bed was so incredibly comfortable. Yet the clock was ticking and she knew that she had to wake up. She opened an eye. How strange. She was lying on a purple floor that seemed to stretch as far into the distance as the distance would go. She stood up and looked around. No one was there. The place was simply a huge, empty room completely coloured purple. A little uneasy she cried out.
"Hello? Is anyone there?" after a few moments of silence she took a few uncertain steps forward.
"Stop! Stop that! I'm not deaf! Don't step on me!" a voice cried out from somewhere beneath her.
Stricken with surprise she looked down only to see a small purple frog and a mouse looking up at her.
"Hello there little frog and little mouse. I didn't see you there." she said, happy to find at least some sign of life.
The mouse gave out a short cry and disappeared with the sound of a balloon popping.
"Well look out where you scream, you nearly stepped on me young woman!" The frog said with great indignation.
"Pardon?" Frida said
"Well aren't we rude?" the frog replied.
Perplexed she decided to change the topic.
"Well its so very nice to see you little frog, I must say that you are the first talking purple frog that I have ever meet." she said cordially.
"What's that supposed to mean?" the frog replied and eyed her suspiciously.
"Oh, I didn't mean to offend you mister frog but I just meant that frogs don't usually speak where I come from."
"I have a name, you know." the frog replied with great indignation
"It's Fred, nice to meet you" it said sounding somewhat insulted
"Oh, it's so very nice to meet you to mister Fred." Frida said, trying to appease the odd animal.
"How do you do? It's a nice weather we have today, isn't it?"
"What weather?" the Frog replied.
"We haven't had weather here since last cup o tea at the very least."
"You haven't?" Frida replied
"No" the frog said with great satisfaction.
"And even a young inexperienced lady such as yourself ought to have a better understanding of such matters." it added smugly.
"Oh. I don't really know where I am Fred, how come everything here is purple?"
"What do you mean purple?" the frog replied
"You know, it's like everything is either purple or... or bright purple."
"You don't look purple to me, the frog replied. What's a purple anyway."
"Frida looked at herself. To her shock she did look quite purple"
"But I AM purple" she protested.
"No you're not" the frog replied stubbornly.
"I want to get out of here" she said.
The frog looked dismal.
"And I hadn't even introduced you to my family yet. Who ever cares about my point of view? Now, it's all about me, me, me these days, isn't it? Very well, follow me." it said and jumped away into into the distance. Frida started to follow it hesitantly.
"Thank you very much Fred. I'm sure your family is wonderful but I have to find my way out of here."
"It's no big deal you flatterer there. Besides, they are not so much wonderful as Carroty." the frog replied
Frida shook her head, unsure of what to make of this strange place. After they had walked on for quite a while she asked.
"Are we there yet?"
"Oh, you wanted to get there?" the Frog replied.
"Pardon me, in that case its just over there." he added, pointing at a wall just a few meters ahead of them.
"Where did the wall come from?" Frida asked perplexed.
"It's been there all along, you really ought to pay more attention young lady." the frog replied.
"Well, now that we are here all you have to do is pull the lever." the frog said and jumped off into the distance.
"Wait! I haven't even told you my name yet!" Frida screamed but the Frog was already gone.
The wall and the wire
Before her was a wall covered in levers and buttons. Tiny lights and screens flickered on and off, each begging for her attention.
"Touch me" one screen read.
"No! Me" the screen next to it read before it changed to say.
"Now only twenty days left on this offer! Press me now and get a second press for free!"
Curiouser and curiouser she thought. She walked over to a big screen that had a keyboard next to it. The screen read "Free muffins with each crow, order today!".
"I don't want a muffin or a crow, I want a way out of here." she typed on the keyboard.
"Follow the mouse" the screen read before it changed again to read.
"White mouse feed, now 120% discount, press now for more spelliwink!"
"The mouse disappeared" she said angrily out loud.
"No it didn't" the screen read.
"It just seized to really mean it"
"What do you mean, mean it?" Frida typed angrily on the keyboard.
"Freshly squeezed apple-juice, sixty pence a pound, right from the mother goats armpits!" the screen read.
"I'm getting seriously pissed, I swear that I'm going to punch you or something if you don't listen to me" Frida typed furiously on the keyboard.
"The swan is waiting and the bee is fainting" the screen read before turning into a blue screen error message.
She punched the screen as hard as she could.
"Ouch" she exclaimed and rubbed her hand.
The screen turned black and displayed the message.
"Urgent news flash! Christina Aguilera to buy new shoes for the wedding. In other news Crowley says students are safe in mysterious magic school. Experts say the cafeteria food just isn't up to par. Mysterious lights seen over tokyo."
Frustrated she started walking along the wall. The screens were all flashing equally nonsensical messages. Just then she caught a glimpse of a white mouse disappearing into the wall over by a big, old fashioned looking lever. She rushed over to the thing but the mouse was gone and she couldn't see any hint of an opening in the wall just a big display of flashing lights. Some of them seemed to display train departures, others error messages, commercials or random numbers. She walked up to the big golden lever. A finely engraved sign right next to the lever read "Pull". Well, here goes nothing Frida thought. But which way are you supposed to pull it? She walked up to it and put all of her weight against it, but it wouldn't budge. Leaning back she tried pulling it towards her but, again, it wouldn't move.
"Damn this place!" she screamed, tears beginning to well up in her eyes.
"You are worse than Elven High!" she screamed at the lever.
"You need the right message to open it you know." a tiny voice said from beneath her.
She looked down and saw the mouse looking at her with what she thought was a somewhat frightened expression.
"You're back" she exclaimed happily
The mouse recoiled slightly.
"But what do you mean message?" she added silently, to avoid upsetting it.
"You know, a message" the mouse replied patiently
"Come, the pool is this way! Follow me."
It run away from the wall towards something that looked rather like a pool of water. The pool was filled with moving things, she couldn't quite make out what they were.
"Here! The message pool. The lever will only let you pass if you have the right message you know. The message of propensity." it said pompously. Frida gave the mouse a look that said "You've got to be freaking kidding me"
When she looked closer the moving things looked kind of flat. Kind of like... e-mails. Frida started laughing hysterically. The mouse watched her with great indignation.
"You need to catch the one marked with a golden star, what are you waiting for? We haven't got all day!" it said with an impatient voice looking about itself nervously.
"Nuh uh, no way I'm jumping into a pool to fish for living e-mail messages! This day has been strange enough already."
The mouse shrugged.
"Your loss I suppose, tell the ravens if you change your mind. I haven't got time to wait right now, never got time, must run or the eagle is going to get me" it said and run away straight into the wall as abruptly as it had arrived.
Frida sighed. The messages looked like very flat fish the way they were swimming about in the pool. Searching the fishies she finally found one marked with a star. She lay down on her stomach with her hands over the edge of the purple water.
"Surely it must come close to the edge sooner or later" she thought and prepared to catch it if it did so.
Before long the message carefully swam close to her, cautiously curious. With a snap she caught the thing but it proved to be surprisingly strong and before she could as much as yell in surprise she was dragged into the ugly looking liquid. Swearing at the thing she climbed out of the pool soaking wet and examined the floundering sheet. Open! She said.
"I don't want to" it replied.
"I've gone through quite enough crazy for one day, so help me Haruhi, talking or not I swear I'm going to rip you apart if you don't do as I say" Frida shouted hysterically.
"Okay, okay, chill lady." the message said appeasingly.
"So you want to go to the forbidden forests huh? Nice choice of a vacation, you could just have pressed screen 351 you know, would've saved you all this trouble but what do I know I'm just a simple message, right? Hardly worth noting what I have to say, nosiree, it's not. Oh! Right, you wanted to know what to do, right? Just pull the lever." it said stoically.
"That's what the sign said to!" Frida screamed at the two dimensional piece of data.
"Not my fault little lady, procedure is procedure after all, can't skip vital steps after all, what would the world come to? What would the world come to?"
Angrily Frida threw the message into the pool and marched up to the lever again cursing whatever Gods had put her in this place. She didn't care if it was Crowley himself, she would find them and she would murder them. With all her might she pulled the lever. It didn't budge.
"Pull!" she yelled at it.
"And a good morning to you to." the lever replied.
"No? No one ever wishes me a good morning, oh no. I'm just a lever, who would bother to be courteous to poor old me? Well maybe I have feelings to you know, ever consider that?" the lever said with great repose.
"Get stuffed" Frida replied.
"Such rudeness! I say, the youth of today!" the lever muttered as it moved forward.
A tiny little door opened up in the wall.
"How am I supposed to get through that?" Frida asked the lever.
"You are not so long as you remain so bloated and inefficient" the lever replied.
"Here, try this package" it said as some sort of black box came flying at the young woman out of nowhere.
It was a screen. With a swish that made her recoil it stopped dead right in front of her.
"Decompress?
Yes No"
the screen read.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Frida asked rather disconcerted.
"Nothing, you've lost your mouse." the lever replied.
Kicking the screen Frida started running towards the hole in the wall, attempting to kick it as well. However, the closer she got the slower she seemed to move. Finally she was stuck a few inches from the wall, locked into an eternal kicking motion.
"So this is how I die." Frida thought miserably.
"How undignified."
Then all of a sudden she was standing in the middle of a forest.
Caring thought
Before her was a lush forest of a strange kind that she could not quite place. Some trees looked like oaks, some like pines and other still like palms or exotic jungle trees. In front of her was a dark and winding path across which she could see foot and hoof prints of all kinds and sizes. In the distance she could see a white mouse disappearing.
"Hey! Wait for me!" she screamed but the mouse seemed to be out of earshot because it just kept running.
"Just my luck" she thought
"I wonder what happened to everyone? Am I dead? This is nothing like the hell they described in the books." she pondered.
"Sure is starting to become quite painfully odd though." she thought as she walked along the winding path.
She came upon a place where the path diverged into two different paths. In the middle there was a sign. It read "This way spelliwink, that way spelliwank."
"Caw, caw, caw. Do you think that she needs some help?" came a sound from her right.
She looked to her right but the only thing that she could see was a big black raven.
"Caw, caw, she looks lost does she not?" came a voice from the left.
She turned around and again saw a big raven sitting on a tree branch above her head. The flapping of wings filled the air around her.
"Caw, caw, caw" the ravens cried as they flew over her and landed on the sign.
"Where are you headed to young lady?" the raven to the right said.
"I was following a white mouse" she said cautiously.
"But he disappeared" she added.
"Well perhaps he didn't want to be with you, hmmm, if he's so eager to get away from you perhaps we ought not to help you find him eehh?" the raven to the left said accusingly.
"He told me to tell uhm... ravens... uhm... if I had changed my mind. You are ravens aren't you?"
"Hmmm.... maybe we are and maybe we aren't." the Raven to the left said.
"What business is it of yours?"
"Well I need to know, don't I? If I'm going to tell you."
"Caw, caw, caw, she has has a point" the raven to the right said.
"So have you?"
"Have I what?"
"Changed your mind of course silly human"
"Oh, yes, yes I think so."
"This won't do!" the Raven to the left said.
"We have to test her first. To see if she is bluffing!"
"Why would I be bluffing" Frida asked angrily.
"What is it that you desire?" the Raven to the right said.
"I want to get out of here!" Frida said
"Aaaah but why?" the Raven to the left asked slyly.
"I don't know. To get on with my life I guess."
"And what do you desire in life?" the raven to the right asked.
"I don't know! What business is it of yours?"
"Oh, none at all" the Raven to the right answered.
"I was just curious is all."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Are you going to help me or not?"
"Before you are two paths." the raven to the left answered.
"I can see that!"
"One leads to the alleater." the raven to the left said
"And one leads to the the queen that won't eat cake." the raven to the right said
"Which one will you take?"
"I don't know, which one is which?" she asked.
"Both roads lead to what your heart desires" the raven to the right said.
"But one goes past your worst fear and one goes directly but the bridge is broken." the raven to the left said.
"I just want to go home!" Frida screamed.
"Then follow me." the crows said in unison and flew off in different directions. Each along one of the paths.
Frida sighed and looked at the sign. Then she heard a squeak from one of the bushes. She watched as the mouse ran out of a bush.
"The man has seen us! It's only a matter of time now. Oooh the eagle, can't be seen by the eagle, must run, terribly sorry." it said and scurried along the left path.
Frida didn't even bother to try to tell it to stop this time but simply tried to keep up with it.
an insincere brawl
She quickly lost sight of the mouse though. Her running eventually slowed until she was again walking at a slow pace. Was it just her imagination or was the day becoming darker? More ominous. It seemed that there were eyes watching her from every dark shadow and bush. Shrinking a little she continued onwards. She thought that she could hear the roars of wild animals and the terrified screams of dying prey but the sound was always just weak enough that she couldn't be sure if it was just her imagination. Then suddenly she came upon a fox, standing over something small and white. As soon as it saw her the fox darted off into the forest. As she got closer the mangled body turned out to be the white mouse. She ran over to the poor thing. It was quite dead.
"Caw, caw, caw" she heard from her left.
"So goes the cycle, life for death, death for life" the raven said ominously.
"Who are you?" Frida asked
"The better question is who are you?"
"I'm Frida Adolphsson, now please tell me who you are."
"Ah, but the woman you speak of lie dead in front of my brothers feet. If truly you were that woman why do you speak to me?"
"I'm dead?"
"It would seems so, though the Norns deny it."
"Norns?"
"Tell me Valkyria."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Tell me of your quest. Why comest thou here to test the will of my father and brother?"
"I don't know why I am here. At one moment I was... I even visited Asgard! Hah! You are Hugin or Munin are you not?"
"Ah, well guessed jester, but pray can you pry if thither is thou that by me her fate shall have tried?" the bird replied
"I'm sorry, kind raven I'm afraid that I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't know very much about norse mythology."
"Thought in the morning winds fly. Feeling follows nearby. Carrion they both spy. The first damnation cry the other brings valour on high.
Hugin och Munin var morgon flyga ut över världen vida jag ängslas för Hugin att ej åter han kommer, dock bekymras jag mera för munin." the bird chanted.
"Which am I?" he finished.
"You must be Hugin" she said, her spirit sinking a little.
"Correct."
"So I'm damned then? What will happen to me?"
"Contrariwise you began at the beginning and made your way towards the end. Young ring bearer in the relm of Urd, if you wish to get anywhere, you needs must start at the end and head for the beginning."
"What?"
"Tell my brother hi" the raven said and flew away.
Remembering a verse from Through the looking glass Frida thought that perhaps she ought to walk backwards to appease the bird. So she did so. Soon the ground started to quake and shake violently under her feet. A little frightened she yet continued onwards. Soon she came upon a clearing. Below her was a valley and in it was the queerest of sights. Three giants were all fighting in the strangest way. As they moved about their massive weights shook the ground. Each of them had a knife and all of them looked slyly on the others as if none of them were suspecting to be attacked. Yet they all kept fumbling with the knifes and clumsily trying to stab each other as they were slowly moving about in a circle. None of them seemed to really try to kill each other but all of them seemed to want to convince the others that they intended to kill. Too scared to keep walking backwards Frida ran as fast as she could away from the valley along the path ahead of her. Before long she came to a place with several stones set in a circle. In the middle of the circle a big stone stood and on top of it sat a gleaming sword. The thing looked quite mesmerising. Captivated Frida walked up to the sword and touched it, sliding her hand along its fresh silken surface. A dark growl interrupted her musings. She screamed and spun around. There before her were two huge black wolves, each showing their teeth in an insidious grin.
"Defend yourself Valkyrie." the first one said.
"For we are hungry." the other one said
"Odin drinks all day and Gram he threw in the woods to rust. Never meat, never bread he takes. His stomach now hungry is thirsting for flesh. Come, show us the meat that would challenge a god. Come you blessed by Kronos muses, Gram thirsts for the blood of the world. Putt Gram once more against teeth and claw, let us test willing greed against willing flesh and should your fortune be good let the world eater sleep." they said in unison.
Frida spun around and desperately grabbed the sword. Her entire being seemed to pulsate with an unknown force. She turned around to face the wolves who were now circling her. One of them jumped at her, mouth open and claws striking. She spun the sword around and pointed it at the wargs neck. With a sickening sound the sword penetrated the neck. The wolf fell over on top of Frida, dead. She tried to get up but the wolf was too heavy. The other wolf howled and jumped at her, ready to bite into her exposed skull. She grabbed the handle of Gram, which had been pushed into the soft soil by the force of the wolves trust and before she realised what had happened the carcass of the first wolf flew of her and hit the other wolf right in the head. With an adrenaline fuelled rage she jumped on top of the confused warg and killed it with a quick blow through the spine.
The wolf fell dead to the ground next to its brother. Then a green glow surrounded the dead wolves as a ravens cry could be heard far off in the distance.
"Caw, caw, caw"
To her terror the wolves got again, despite their terrible injuries and bowed to her.
"Truly Valkyriae well done. You have pardon to continue. Take Gram, bring it to the old one, and accept our humble blessing on your way." they said in unison before slowly fading away into smoke and nothingness.
Unsure what to do Frida bowed. She looked down shiny object in her hand. It was beautifully ornamented with two ravens at the ends of the guard and what looked like an eye in the middle. It seemed to pulsate with some kind of energy. Then she heard voices coming out of the woods. It seemed to her a friendly kind of banter but she could not make much sense out of it.
"Oh, you know how he hates it when you leave the dishes to dry dear old chap." a strange looking man with a pipe, a big brown bears and a diaper said as the party appeared from the forest. They were all dressed in the most peculiar sort of clothes. Some looked like they were wearing animal skins, others old fashioned 18th century Sunday dresses, others Roman uniforms and others still looked like punk-rockers with piercings, tattoos and weird haircuts.
"Oh, how most delightful wouldn't you say dear chap? It looks just like we found another little dearie for our Sunday picking. It gets so awfully chilly on the west side, wouldn't you say?"
A man wearing what looked like the headdress of a British judge and the jacket of a skydiver interrupted the man who had been talking.
"Excuse me Albert, aren't you forgetting your manners? Besides, it's pickning, not picking."
"Oh, but of course, what was I thinking." he said and extended a hand to Frida.
"My dearest young lady, would you be so kind as to attend our evening refreshments? I shan't take no for an answer you know"
"Yeah! Come join us for din-din" two short chubby boys dressed in divers suits cheered.
"I'm afraid I don't really have time for that, you see I have something terribly important to do." Frida replied unsure whom to look at.
"This absolutely can not be obliged!" a stern looking man in a frock coat said.
"The lady needesbe by the bumblebee tree by the banshees bullocks I say. Foresee if she be by the bumblebee tree, why, wouldn't they like to be beasted." he continued
"But quadrille is not free for the whales in the sea when they tither the tea on the waves they must bounce and be yonder. And if only a bee they could eat with the tea well see wouldn't they love to be bothered?"
"You speak nonsense" the first man replied.
"Hardly, I put at least an ounce of meaning in it, I did" the man replied sternly.
"Time!" screamed the two boys in the divers suits and everyone screamed and ran away in different directions leaving poor Frida quite alone in the clearing.
All of a sudden she could see a dark wall approaching from all directions. Raising an eyebrow she merely stood there until it engulfed her.
Presently speak we shall not any more of travels through dreamweld and Tell. Of dragons and mad-fear and eagle and swan there is time yet for vala and völv. But for now, let us see what events would unfold at the wellspring in Ygrasils shade. Frida emerged from the giant mushroom clad in a velvet red and purple robe and looking rather like she was about to punch someone in the face. The outfit looked somewhat overly pompous on the young girl, in the right hand she was still holding on to Gram with a white cramping grip. As appearances would have it, a rather ominous circumstance for the three old grey-hared women standing in front of the young girl.
"Well done!" the first exclaimed, rather a bit overly dramatic.
"Our tests you have passed!" the second one said, not terribly much less overly dramatically.
"Ah, to hell with this, go shove something up ya'r rear ends the both of ya!" the third one said and stormed off.
Frida gave the two remaining women a look that said "Somebody better explain this shit soon or that old lady is going to have her wishes more than answered"
"Don't mind that old hag." the first one said, sporting a smile fit for a proboscis.
"I'm Skuld! Nice to meet you" she said.
"And I'm Urd" the other one said, in rather a more reserved tone.
"Great! Now please explain to me what all that!" she gestured with Gram in the direction of the mushroom, which by now had been replaced by an odd looking yellow boot.
"Oh, don't be silly dear. Don't mind that old stuff. What's important is what happens now." Skuld said, looking happy as a puppy.
"We've got ourselves a new sister, don't we! It was ages ago, that old stooge Oden hasn't allowed us to get any new Valkyrie for oh, I don't know, a THOUSAND years? Not that anyone's counting. Poor old chap doesn't like change." she shook her head looking melodramatically worried.
Urd threw her sister a suspicious look.
"You didn't plan this, did you Skuld?" she said.
"Come, let me show you Valhalla!" Skuld continued overly enthusiastically, ignoring her sister.
"Been here before." Frida replied with disinterest.
"Why am I here anyway?"
"Didn't we tell you already? You died, big whoop, we saved you, we're like your heroes or something, saved you a whole lot of toil down there in hell to, big place that, you really ought to be thankful." Skuld said without so much as pausing for breath.
The two women seemed to have grown allot younger in the time that they had been talking. "Follow me, we must introduce you to your new father." skuld said, taking Fridas hand. Before she knew it she was introduced to the disinterested looking old man. She could have sworn that one of the old Ravens by his side had blinked at her. She was sitting at a long table, with people eating and drinking in the most obscene manner imaginable.
Frida had no idea how much time she spent in Valhalla. The days were hard to measure, she wasn't even sure there were days, though sometimes it seemed to be darker outside than others. Months, perhaps years, went by as she trained her skills with her magical sword Gram. She grew quite fond of her sisters and in time learned to adopt the rather harsh, ritualistic and loyal views of the Valhalla Valkyriae. Skuld was her constant companion, for some reason the overly enthusiastic woman seemed to have taken a special liking to her. The only one of the Valkyriae that she never again meet was Veridaelia, the one that had run off when she first arrived in Valhalla. She was later told that Veridaelia for some reason had been very angry that Frida had been allowed to become a Valkyriae. Eventually she would find out. But that is a story for another time.