Elfen High 2 (OOC 4, Closed, No Morals Allowed)

[Ranbo]

On a serious note, I'd rather have some element of the backstory or canon covered instead of a more comedic oneshot on Calliel. That can come later.

Why not tell the day Crowley first discovered porn? It's got an element of canon to it, and can incorporate some humour as well. It's the best of both worlds.

[Olthar]

OOO! Calliel first discovering Two Girls One Cup! XD

[Nationstatelandsville]

OOO! Calliel first discovering Two Girls One Cup! XD

(cries forever)

[Nightkill the Emperor]

People have a tendency to look down on geography and meteorology, not just because they stand on one and get soaked by the other. They don't seem like real fun science*. But geography is just physics slowed down with a few trees and rocks on it, and meteorology is physics and chemistry in a chaotic wind. Right now, people were not looking down on those.

Indeed, they were likely the only things keeping the rain from overwhelming them and killing them all. Rajan looked up at the darkened sky with wonder. Of course, it was not the darkened sky. What it was was a mountain being held up into the air to guard against the storm.

He turned to his friend Nanda. "Look at what the hell your brat is doing, man!" he barked. "He's pissed off the gods now! Why the hell did we listen to him?"

Just this morning there had been a massive festival, a festival to honour Indra. And now they were hiding from the goddamn storm. There was no way the mountain could guard against this.


"Father, what is happening on the streets?" The five year old Krishna had asked his father.

"The Gopalas are preparing to celebrate a festival to worship Lord Indra," said Nanda. "This year, there has been a rainfall more generous and everybody is happy with the fertile crops. Since Indra is the God of rains, we should thank Him for being so gracious in his blessings!"

"How do you say that Lord Indra is the one who's causing rains, Father?" Krishna frowned in disagreement.

Nanda looked at his son in alarm.

"Of course it's Indra who's causing the rains, son. He is surely the reason for our good fortune. He's the God of the Clouds and he rules them... so he is the one who has blessed us with good rain this year," he replied hesitantly to his son.

"No, father!" refused Krishna firmly, "you're all mistaken. Govardhan Mountain is our real friend. More than the clouds above, the mountain in our village has helped us."

"How can you say that?" asked Nanda, looking at his son in disbelief.

"The fertile mountain sends the signals in the air and creates clouds that drift over the Brindavan and give us rains." replied Krishna. "So whom should we praise and worship? Not Indra, but Govardhan!"

Nanda and the other Gopalas at work gasped in surprise. How could Krishna dismiss Lord Indra, God of the Clouds and direct them to worship a mere mountain instead! This was the first time that they heard about such a thing.

"Yes, father," continued the boy. "Who gives us medicine in the form of magical herbs and plants? Who sends us clean water and air from the top of its peak?
"And who gives us good grass for our cows, so that they give us milk that's sweeter than honey? It is Govardhan!"

The initial surprise and doubts of the Gopalas were beginning to disappear. They now began to see Krishna's point.

"So why should we not worship the mountain?" Krishna continued. "It is wiser to give thanks to something which is right before us, rather than some deva who lives comfortably in the heavens."

Then reality ensued when Indra had found out and sent down his greatest storms to destroy the village. It had not been enjoyable. The demonic clouds had seemed to have a darker plan. From Nanda's house, they had quickly spread themselves over the town. The dark sky seemed to have had opened up with a vengeance. Hard rain had been pouring down in massive torrents and like unforgiving waterfalls descending out of the sky, flushing away the cattle and the frail huts. The mere thatched roofs were no match for the terrible downpour.

But then Krishna lifted the entire mountain and held it up in the air**, as though daring Indra to try harder.

---

Indra couldn't believe what the hell was going on. He addressed this as thus to his subordinates. "Did...did that just fucking happen?" he asked, sounding nonplussed. "No, seriously. Did...did that just happen?" he looked through his glass ball. "I just- that just- what." Indra said, his head about to explode.

"Hey, dumbfuck." Ganesh said to Indra up in the skies. "You know who that is?"

"An asshole?" Indra snarked back.

"Well, yes." Ganesh admitted. "But aside from that."

"A child who somehow has magical powers and has gotten in my bloody way." Indra growled. "Those damn villagers will give me my tribute. I deserve it."

"You should have figured it out by now, cuntface." Ganesh sighed. "That's Lord Krishna, incarnation of Lord Vishnu."

There was a pause. Ganesh spoke up again. "You know, for a god of the weather, you have terrible bladder control."

Indra put his head in his hands. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." the tall and muscular god said to himself. "Oh holy fucking shit, what am I going to do?"

"Apologise?" Ganesh pointed out.

Indra glared. "Even if that is an incarnation of Lord Vishnu himself, I have no intention of apologising to a mere child!"

---

"I sincerely, sincerely, apologise for trying to kill you all." Indra said to the people of the village.*** "It was a terrible accident and I lost my temper. Seriously, I'm sorry." Indra said, giving his apologies to the whole village but specifically addressing Krishna.

"Well, how are you going to show it?" Krishna asked, swinging on a swing with some of his friends. Kids tended to give as few fucks as honey badgers.

Indra's eye twitched but he kept his composure. "I repaired the damage I did to your village-"

"Make it rain candy!" demanded one of the children.

"...What?"

"Make it rain candy! Candy candy candy candy candy!" the children recited. After a few minutes of paused confusion, the adults did too.

Indra felt his dignity begin to die as he rained candy from the sky. After this, he went for a very long, long cry.

---

"Remember that story?" Ganesh asked a dark figure in the modern day. The dark figure looked up in a sleepy manner.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Sure. But what does that matter?"

"It matters a lot. I'll help you with your goals if you help me with mine. Help me wake up Vishnu so we can have an absurdly powerful ally in the next war. This conflict in Dys should end with the world still standing, from my calculations, though those have a tendency to be flawed."

The figure stirred more. "Well, what can you do for me?"

"Help you come back home. Kronos."


*Which is something you can use to give something three legs and blow it the fuck up.
** This is where Rajan took a drug test.
*** Rajan started taking drugs again.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Two notes.

Aside from the part at the end of that, that's a real story in Hindu mythology.

Second note is that I think I've now introduced all four or five of the next arc's big bads.

[Constaniana]

Two notes.

Aside from the part at the end of that, that's a real story in Hindu mythology.

Second note is that I think I've now introduced all four or five of the next arc's big bads.

That child demanding the candy certainly does seem like a properly terrifying villain.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Two notes.

Aside from the part at the end of that, that's a real story in Hindu mythology.

Second note is that I think I've now introduced all four or five of the next arc's big bads.

That child demanding the candy certainly does seem like a properly terrifying villain.

He is the most dangerous being in this rp.

[Nationstatelandsville]

People have a tendency to look down on geography and meteorology, not just because they stand on one and get soaked by the other. They don't seem like real fun science*. But geography is just physics slowed down with a few trees and rocks on it, and meteorology is physics and chemistry in a chaotic wind. Right now, people were not looking down on those.

Indeed, they were likely the only things keeping the rain from overwhelming them and killing them all. Rajan looked up at the darkened sky with wonder. Of course, it was not the darkened sky. What it was was a mountain being held up into the air to guard against the storm.

He turned to his friend Nanda. "Look at what the hell your brat is doing, man!" he barked. "He's pissed off the gods now! Why the hell did we listen to him?"

Just this morning there had been a massive festival, a festival to honour Indra. And now they were hiding from the goddamn storm. There was no way the mountain could guard against this.


"Father, what is happening on the streets?" The five year old Krishna had asked his father.

"The Gopalas are preparing to celebrate a festival to worship Lord Indra," said Nanda. "This year, there has been a rainfall more generous and everybody is happy with the fertile crops. Since Indra is the God of rains, we should thank Him for being so gracious in his blessings!"

"How do you say that Lord Indra is the one who's causing rains, Father?" Krishna frowned in disagreement.

Nanda looked at his son in alarm.

"Of course it's Indra who's causing the rains, son. He is surely the reason for our good fortune. He's the God of the Clouds and he rules them... so he is the one who has blessed us with good rain this year," he replied hesitantly to his son.

"No, father!" refused Krishna firmly, "you're all mistaken. Govardhan Mountain is our real friend. More than the clouds above, the mountain in our village has helped us."

"How can you say that?" asked Nanda, looking at his son in disbelief.

"The fertile mountain sends the signals in the air and creates clouds that drift over the Brindavan and give us rains." replied Krishna. "So whom should we praise and worship? Not Indra, but Govardhan!"

Nanda and the other Gopalas at work gasped in surprise. How could Krishna dismiss Lord Indra, God of the Clouds and direct them to worship a mere mountain instead! This was the first time that they heard about such a thing.

"Yes, father," continued the boy. "Who gives us medicine in the form of magical herbs and plants? Who sends us clean water and air from the top of its peak?
"And who gives us good grass for our cows, so that they give us milk that's sweeter than honey? It is Govardhan!"

The initial surprise and doubts of the Gopalas were beginning to disappear. They now began to see Krishna's point.

"So why should we not worship the mountain?" Krishna continued. "It is wiser to give thanks to something which is right before us, rather than some deva who lives comfortably in the heavens."

Then reality ensued when Indra had found out and sent down his greatest storms to destroy the village. It had not been enjoyable. The demonic clouds had seemed to have a darker plan. From Nanda's house, they had quickly spread themselves over the town. The dark sky seemed to have had opened up with a vengeance. Hard rain had been pouring down in massive torrents and like unforgiving waterfalls descending out of the sky, flushing away the cattle and the frail huts. The mere thatched roofs were no match for the terrible downpour.

But then Krishna lifted the entire mountain and held it up in the air**, as though daring Indra to try harder.

---

Indra couldn't believe what the hell was going on. He addressed this as thus to his subordinates. "Did...did that just fucking happen?" he asked, sounding nonplussed. "No, seriously. Did...did that just happen?" he looked through his glass ball. "I just- that just- what." Indra said, his head about to explode.

"Hey, dumbfuck." Ganesh said to Indra up in the skies. "You know who that is?"

"An asshole?" Indra snarked back.

"Well, yes." Ganesh admitted. "But aside from that."

"A child who somehow has magical powers and has gotten in my bloody way." Indra growled. "Those damn villagers will give me my tribute. I deserve it."

"You should have figured it out by now, cuntface." Ganesh sighed. "That's Lord Krishna, incarnation of Lord Vishnu."

There was a pause. Ganesh spoke up again. "You know, for a god of the weather, you have terrible bladder control."

Indra put his head in his hands. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." the tall and muscular god said to himself. "Oh holy fucking shit, what am I going to do?"

"Apologise?" Ganesh pointed out.

Indra glared. "Even if that is an incarnation of Lord Vishnu himself, I have no intention of apologising to a mere child!"

---

"I sincerely, sincerely, apologise for trying to kill you all." Indra said to the people of the village.*** "It was a terrible accident and I lost my temper. Seriously, I'm sorry." Indra said, giving his apologies to the whole village but specifically addressing Krishna.

"Well, how are you going to show it?" Krishna asked, swinging on a swing with some of his friends. Kids tended to give as few fucks as honey badgers.

Indra's eye twitched but he kept his composure. "I repaired the damage I did to your village-"

"Make it rain candy!" demanded one of the children.

"...What?"

"Make it rain candy! Candy candy candy candy candy!" the children recited. After a few minutes of paused confusion, the adults did too.

Indra felt his dignity begin to die as he rained candy from the sky. After this, he went for a very long, long cry.

---

"Remember that story?" Ganesh asked a dark figure in the modern day. The dark figure looked up in a sleepy manner.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Sure. But what does that matter?"

"It matters a lot. I'll help you with your goals if you help me with mine. Help me wake up Vishnu so we can have an absurdly powerful ally in the next war. This conflict in Dys should end with the world still standing, from my calculations, though those have a tendency to be flawed."

The figure stirred more. "Well, what can you do for me?"

"Help you come back home. Kronos."


*Which is something you can use to give something three legs and blow it the fuck up.
** This is where Rajan took a drug test.
*** Rajan started taking drugs again.

Ganesh even kicks other god's asses.

[Olthar]

That child demanding the candy certainly does seem like a properly terrifying villain.

He is the most dangerous being in this rp.

What about Mr. Fluffypaws? D:

[Nightkill the Emperor]

People have a tendency to look down on geography and meteorology, not just because they stand on one and get soaked by the other. They don't seem like real fun science*. But geography is just physics slowed down with a few trees and rocks on it, and meteorology is physics and chemistry in a chaotic wind. Right now, people were not looking down on those.

Indeed, they were likely the only things keeping the rain from overwhelming them and killing them all. Rajan looked up at the darkened sky with wonder. Of course, it was not the darkened sky. What it was was a mountain being held up into the air to guard against the storm.

He turned to his friend Nanda. "Look at what the hell your brat is doing, man!" he barked. "He's pissed off the gods now! Why the hell did we listen to him?"

Just this morning there had been a massive festival, a festival to honour Indra. And now they were hiding from the goddamn storm. There was no way the mountain could guard against this.


"Father, what is happening on the streets?" The five year old Krishna had asked his father.

"The Gopalas are preparing to celebrate a festival to worship Lord Indra," said Nanda. "This year, there has been a rainfall more generous and everybody is happy with the fertile crops. Since Indra is the God of rains, we should thank Him for being so gracious in his blessings!"

"How do you say that Lord Indra is the one who's causing rains, Father?" Krishna frowned in disagreement.

Nanda looked at his son in alarm.

"Of course it's Indra who's causing the rains, son. He is surely the reason for our good fortune. He's the God of the Clouds and he rules them... so he is the one who has blessed us with good rain this year," he replied hesitantly to his son.

"No, father!" refused Krishna firmly, "you're all mistaken. Govardhan Mountain is our real friend. More than the clouds above, the mountain in our village has helped us."

"How can you say that?" asked Nanda, looking at his son in disbelief.

"The fertile mountain sends the signals in the air and creates clouds that drift over the Brindavan and give us rains." replied Krishna. "So whom should we praise and worship? Not Indra, but Govardhan!"

Nanda and the other Gopalas at work gasped in surprise. How could Krishna dismiss Lord Indra, God of the Clouds and direct them to worship a mere mountain instead! This was the first time that they heard about such a thing.

"Yes, father," continued the boy. "Who gives us medicine in the form of magical herbs and plants? Who sends us clean water and air from the top of its peak?
"And who gives us good grass for our cows, so that they give us milk that's sweeter than honey? It is Govardhan!"

The initial surprise and doubts of the Gopalas were beginning to disappear. They now began to see Krishna's point.

"So why should we not worship the mountain?" Krishna continued. "It is wiser to give thanks to something which is right before us, rather than some deva who lives comfortably in the heavens."

Then reality ensued when Indra had found out and sent down his greatest storms to destroy the village. It had not been enjoyable. The demonic clouds had seemed to have a darker plan. From Nanda's house, they had quickly spread themselves over the town. The dark sky seemed to have had opened up with a vengeance. Hard rain had been pouring down in massive torrents and like unforgiving waterfalls descending out of the sky, flushing away the cattle and the frail huts. The mere thatched roofs were no match for the terrible downpour.

But then Krishna lifted the entire mountain and held it up in the air**, as though daring Indra to try harder.

---

Indra couldn't believe what the hell was going on. He addressed this as thus to his subordinates. "Did...did that just fucking happen?" he asked, sounding nonplussed. "No, seriously. Did...did that just happen?" he looked through his glass ball. "I just- that just- what." Indra said, his head about to explode.

"Hey, dumbfuck." Ganesh said to Indra up in the skies. "You know who that is?"

"An asshole?" Indra snarked back.

"Well, yes." Ganesh admitted. "But aside from that."

"A child who somehow has magical powers and has gotten in my bloody way." Indra growled. "Those damn villagers will give me my tribute. I deserve it."

"You should have figured it out by now, cuntface." Ganesh sighed. "That's Lord Krishna, incarnation of Lord Vishnu."

There was a pause. Ganesh spoke up again. "You know, for a god of the weather, you have terrible bladder control."

Indra put his head in his hands. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." the tall and muscular god said to himself. "Oh holy fucking shit, what am I going to do?"

"Apologise?" Ganesh pointed out.

Indra glared. "Even if that is an incarnation of Lord Vishnu himself, I have no intention of apologising to a mere child!"

---

"I sincerely, sincerely, apologise for trying to kill you all." Indra said to the people of the village.*** "It was a terrible accident and I lost my temper. Seriously, I'm sorry." Indra said, giving his apologies to the whole village but specifically addressing Krishna.

"Well, how are you going to show it?" Krishna asked, swinging on a swing with some of his friends. Kids tended to give as few fucks as honey badgers.

Indra's eye twitched but he kept his composure. "I repaired the damage I did to your village-"

"Make it rain candy!" demanded one of the children.

"...What?"

"Make it rain candy! Candy candy candy candy candy!" the children recited. After a few minutes of paused confusion, the adults did too.

Indra felt his dignity begin to die as he rained candy from the sky. After this, he went for a very long, long cry.

---

"Remember that story?" Ganesh asked a dark figure in the modern day. The dark figure looked up in a sleepy manner.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Sure. But what does that matter?"

"It matters a lot. I'll help you with your goals if you help me with mine. Help me wake up Vishnu so we can have an absurdly powerful ally in the next war. This conflict in Dys should end with the world still standing, from my calculations, though those have a tendency to be flawed."

The figure stirred more. "Well, what can you do for me?"

"Help you come back home. Kronos."


*Which is something you can use to give something three legs and blow it the fuck up.
** This is where Rajan took a drug test.
*** Rajan started taking drugs again.

Ganesh even kicks other god's asses.

He's a very funny god.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

He is the most dangerous being in this rp.

What about Mr. Fluffypaws? D:

They are actually one and the same.

[Nationstatelandsville]

What about Mr. Fluffypaws? D:

They are actually one and the same.

Flufflypaws transcends a single shape.

[Olthar]

What about Mr. Fluffypaws? D:

They are actually one and the same.

Woah.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

In any case, I've sent Nat some of my plans. Let's hurry this thing up, people have been waiting for a long time.

[Nationstatelandsville]

This?

This is the greatest thing I have ever written.

"It's all sevens and threes," Aziraphale said with his usual fascination, "I mean, Seven Sins, Seven Virtues, Seven Dwarfs, Three Bears, Rule of Three, the Trinity. All that stuff. Seven archangels. Maybe. Enoch says so."

"Hmm?" she asked.

"Enoch," Aziraphale replied, "The Book of. The Bible. Ever read it? Terribly interesting. They got a lot of things wrong."

"Is that thing with Jesus?" she said, not finding it "terribly interesting" at all.

"Well, yes, sometimes. You're not in it."

"Huh?"

"I said, you're not in it. Don't know why. You were everywhere back then. Humans are odd like that, they only write things down if it's out of place. Murder? Everywhere. The murdered standing up again and asking for a cup of tea? Happens only about once, twice a decade. Interesting. Write it down. They never stop to think that, one day, they might get wiped out and then the angels studying them won't know how they went to the bathroom.

Inconsiderate. Sort of."

Lust nodded, then shrugged. Aziraphale was perfectly dull at times - well, most of the time, really. Occasionally he said something profound, but it quickly became boring again. Angels; dry bastards, the whole lot. Really onl worth keeping around for the whole "divine perfection" thing.

If you asked Lust, they got one thing perfect, and it probably wasn't something the Pope would be willing to discuss.

But not Aziraphale. He was really rather stubborn like that. A month in and, still, nothing. He was painfully, well, angelic.

"Where do you want to go tonight?" she said, really just wanting to change the subject.

"...Go?" Aziraphale said with a blink.

"Yes, go," Lust sighed, "It's a date. You go to places."

"Yes, but," Aziraphale said thoughtfully, "the Library is a place."

"But we're already here," Lust said, throwing her arms up in exasperation.

Aziraphale wrinkled his brow and stared off into the distance, his soul completely absorbed with thought.

"This..." he began hesitantly, contemplating the finer details, "...is true. An astute observation."

"Do you ever turn this off?" Lust grumbled.

"Turn what off?" Aziraphale asked, "All of my lights are candles. I suppose I could blow them out, but then we would not be able to see."

"Angels," she groaned. They were always so goddamn literal.

"If you wish to go elsewhere," Aziraphale began to offer, "I know of a quaint demon village that I have been asking Raphael for permission to visit for several decades. I'd say it's against the rules, but I doubt that would have much of an impact on your decision."

"Has anyone, anyone, in that village been alive for the past three centuries?" Lust demanded.

"...No," Aziraphale admitted, "but, when you walk through the ashen plains and examine the old building, it feels..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Lust snapped, "Lucifer fucking Morningstar, angels are insufferable."

"This is not true," Aziraphale replied in his usual soothing tones -it wasn't exactly monotone, but it never displayed any emotion beyond a quiet enthusiasm,"Many suffer through angels in Heaven."

"Fuck," she swore, before grabbing the angel and pulling him into a deep kiss. Most men would have stopped talking at that moment and moved on, so to speak.

Instead, Aziraphale waited for Lust to stop to take a breath (a purely symbolic gesture) and wiped his mouth clean.

"Your lipsticks tastes like plastic," he noted, "Is it from Earth?"

Lust huffed and, suddenly, the two were gone.

---

"I do not understand," Aziraphale said, eying his beer suspiciously. Lust had bought it for him, and though he wasn't sure what it was, he knew it was probably bad. Things only bubbled when they were bad, like witch cauldrons.

"It's not very hard," Lust spat. For once, she did not mean that as an innuendo.

"But, why would one subject themselves to 'karaoke'?" the angel questioned.

"It's fun," she answered. OK, she probably meant that as an innuendo.]

"I find this difficult to believe," he said, as puzzled as one can be in such a small spectrum of emotions.

"Look, someone's starting," she said hurriedly, pointing Az' attention to the stage.

At this moment, the entire club went dark, except for a spotlight that was shone on the stage. From the shadows emerged a jean-clad (and, basically, only jean-clad) man wearing a cowboy hat and star-shaped glasses. On the other side, a man who looked like an elephant appeared. Each carried microphones and each turned to view the screen on which the lyrics were displayed.

"I really can't stay," replied the elephant in a high, dainty voice that might come out of a fairy.

"Baby, it's cold outside," the man in jeans began in a deep, melodious voice unexpected form his body.

"I've got to go away."

"Baby, it's cold outside."

"This evening has been..."

"Been hopin' ye'd drop in."

"So very nice..."

"I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice."

"My mother will start to worry."

"Beautiful, what's your hurry?"

"My father will be pacing the floor."

"Listen to the fireplace roar."

"So, really, I'd better scurry."

"Beautiful, please don't hurry."

"Maybe just half a drink more..."

"Put on some records while I pour..."

Ganesh and Lewis swung closer to the rhythm, giving each other rather suggestive glances.

"The neighbors might think..."

"Baby, it's bad out there."

"Say, what's in this drink?"

"No cabs to be had out there."

"I wish I knew how..."

"Your eyes are like starlight now."

"To break this spell..."

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I SEEING," Aziraphale cried in horror, "THIS IS THE WORST THING."

"I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell."

"I ought to say no, no, no..."

"Mind if I move in closer?"

"At least I can say that I tried..."

"What's the sense in hurting my pride?"

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, don't hold out..."

"Ah, but it's cooooooold oooooooutsiiiiiiiiiiide!"

"This is hilarious," Lust cackled, downing a margarita in one gulp.

"I've got to go home."

"Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there."

"I... I.." Aziraphale stammered.

"Say, lend me your coat."

"It's up to your knees out there."

"Are... are you doing this?" Aziraphale questioned, wide-eyed.

"You've been really grand..."

"Your eyes are like starlight now.."

"Nah," Lust snickered, "that's the best part. I don't even have to now."

"But don't you see.."

"How can you do this thing to me?"

"Humans," she said, "quick learners."

"There's bound to be talk tomorrow..."

"Think of my life long sorrow."

"At least there will be plenty implied..."

"You are evil," Aziraphale stuttered, abject terror overwhelming his senses.

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, it's cold outside."

"Yeah, kinda'," Lust said with a shrug.

"We must go!" Aziraphale screamed as a hat flew into the crowd. He vanished. Lust rolled her eyes and disappeared herself.

"Hey, Al," Minh said, pointing to the table where the two had sat, "Did you see that?"

"All I see is a blonde having one too many shots..." Crowley replied with his usual charm.

"No, I thought I saw..." Minh began, "Wait... what the fuck is Lewis doing?"

"This is far more interesting than any bimbo," Crowley laughed, "I mean, in a horrifying way."

---

Aziraphale and Lust appeared back in the Library, just next to the door.

"I suppose you'll be going now," he said, reaching for the knob. Lust stepped in front of him, blocking his hand.

"Baby, it's cold outside," she said, smiling coyly.

"Well, no, actually," Aziraphale responded, "It's rather warm out at the moment."

Lust pressed her finger to the angel's lips and winked.

And what happened next, my friends, is another story for another time.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

This?

This is the greatest thing I have ever written.

"It's all sevens and threes," Aziraphale said with his usual fascination, "I mean, Seven Sins, Seven Virtues, Seven Dwarfs, Three Bears, Rule of Three, the Trinity. All that stuff. Seven archangels. Maybe. Enoch says so."

"Hmm?" she asked.

"Enoch," Aziraphale replied, "The Book of. The Bible. Ever read it? Terribly interesting. They got a lot of things wrong."

"Is that thing with Jesus?" she said, not finding it "terribly interesting" at all.

"Well, yes, sometimes. You're not in it."

"Huh?"

"I said, you're not in it. Don't know why. You were everywhere back then. Humans are odd like that, they only write things down if it's out of place. Murder? Everywhere. The murdered standing up again and asking for a cup of tea? Happens only about once, twice a decade. Interesting. Write it down. They never stop to think that, one day, they might get wiped out and then the angels studying them won't know how they went to the bathroom.

Inconsiderate. Sort of."

Lust nodded, then shrugged. Aziraphale was perfectly dull at times - well, most of the time, really. Occasionally he said something profound, but it quickly became boring again. Angels; dry bastards, the whole lot. Really onl worth keeping around for the whole "divine perfection" thing.

If you asked Lust, they got one thing perfect, and it probably wasn't something the Pope would be willing to discuss.

But not Aziraphale. He was really rather stubborn like that. A month in and, still, nothing. He was painfully, well, angelic.

"Where do you want to go tonight?" she said, really just wanting to change the subject.

"...Go?" Aziraphale said with a blink.

"Yes, go," Lust sighed, "It's a date. You go to places."

"Yes, but," Aziraphale said thoughtfully, "the Library is a place."

"But we're already here," Lust said, throwing her arms up in exasperation.

Aziraphale wrinkled his brow and stared off into the distance, his soul completely absorbed with thought.

"This..." he began hesitantly, contemplating the finer details, "...is true. An astute observation."

"Do you ever turn this off?" Lust grumbled.

"Turn what off?" Aziraphale asked, "All of my lights are candles. I suppose I could blow them out, but then we would not be able to see."

"Angels," she groaned. They were always so goddamn literal.

"If you wish to go elsewhere," Aziraphale began to offer, "I know of a quaint demon village that I have been asking Raphael for permission to visit for several decades. I'd say it's against the rules, but I doubt that would have much of an impact on your decision."

"Has anyone, anyone, in that village been alive for the past three centuries?" Lust demanded.

"...No," Aziraphale admitted, "but, when you walk through the ashen plains and examine the old building, it feels..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Lust snapped, "Lucifer fucking Morningstar, angels are insufferable."

"This is not true," Aziraphale replied in his usual soothing tones -it wasn't exactly monotone, but it never displayed any emotion beyond a quiet enthusiasm,"Many suffer through angels in Heaven."

"Fuck," she swore, before grabbing the angel and pulling him into a deep kiss. Most men would have stopped talking at that moment and moved on, so to speak.

Instead, Aziraphale waited for Lust to stop to take a breath (a purely symbolic gesture) and wiped his mouth clean.

"Your lipsticks tastes like plastic," he noted, "Is it from Earth?"

Lust huffed and, suddenly, the two were gone.

---

"I do not understand," Aziraphale said, eying his beer suspiciously. Lust had bought it for him, and though he wasn't sure what it was, he knew it was probably bad. Things only bubbled when they were bad, like witch cauldrons.

"It's not very hard," Lust spat. For once, she did not mean that as an innuendo.

"But, why would one subject themselves to 'karaoke'?" the angel questioned.

"It's fun," she answered. OK, she probably meant that as an innuendo.]

"I find this difficult to believe," he said, as puzzled as one can be in such a small spectrum of emotions.

"Look, someone's starting," she said hurriedly, pointing Az' attention to the stage.

At this moment, the entire club went dark, except for a spotlight that was shone on the stage. From the shadows emerged a jean-clad (and, basically, only jean-clad) man wearing a cowboy hat and star-shaped glasses. On the other side, a man who looked like an elephant appeared. Each carried microphones and each turned to view the screen on which the lyrics were displayed.

"I really can't stay," replied the elephant in a high, dainty voice that might come out of a fairy.

"Baby, it's cold outside," the man in jeans began in a deep, melodious voice unexpected form his body.

"I've got to go away."

"Baby, it's cold outside."

"This evening has been..."

"Been hopin' ye'd drop in."

"So very nice..."

"I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice."

"My mother will start to worry."

"Beautiful, what's your hurry?"

"My father will be pacing the floor."

"Listen to the fireplace roar."

"So, really, I'd better scurry."

"Beautiful, please don't hurry."

"Maybe just half a drink more..."

"Put on some records while I pour..."

Ganesh and Lewis swung closer to the rhythm, giving each other rather suggestive glances.

"The neighbors might think..."

"Baby, it's bad out there."

"Say, what's in this drink?"

"No cabs to be had out there."

"I wish I knew how..."

"Your eyes are like starlight now."

"To break this spell..."

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I SEEING," Aziraphale cried in horror, "THIS IS THE WORST THING."

"I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell."

"I ought to say no, no, no..."

"Mind if I move in closer?"

"At least I can say that I tried..."

"What's the sense in hurting my pride?"

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, don't hold out..."

"Ah, but it's cooooooold oooooooutsiiiiiiiiiiide!"

"This is hilarious," Lust cackled, downing a margarita in one gulp.

"I've got to go home."

"Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there."

"I... I.." Aziraphale stammered.

"Say, lend me your coat."

"It's up to your knees out there."

"Are... are you doing this?" Aziraphale questioned, wide-eyed.

"You've been really grand..."

"Your eyes are like starlight now.."

"Nah," Lust snickered, "that's the best part. I don't even have to now."

"But don't you see.."

"How can you do this thing to me?"

"Humans," she said, "quick learners."

"There's bound to be talk tomorrow..."

"Think of my life long sorrow."

"At least there will be plenty implied..."

"You are evil," Aziraphale stuttered, abject terror overwhelming his senses.

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, it's cold outside."

"Yeah, kinda'," Lust said with a shrug.

"We must go!" Aziraphale screamed as a hat flew into the crowd. He vanished. Lust rolled her eyes and disappeared herself.

"Hey, Al," Minh said, pointing to the table where the two had sat, "Did you see that?"

"All I see is a blonde having one too many shots..." Crowley replied with his usual charm.

"No, I thought I saw..." Minh began, "Wait... what the fuck is Lewis doing?"

"This is far more interesting than any bimbo," Crowley laughed, "I mean, in a horrifying way."

---

Aziraphale and Lust appeared back in the Library, just next to the door.

"I suppose you'll be going now," he said, reaching for the knob. Lust stepped in front of him, blocking his hand.

"Baby, it's cold outside," she said, smiling coyly.

"Well, no, actually," Aziraphale responded, "It's rather warm out at the moment."

Lust pressed her finger to the angel's lips and winked.

And what happened next, my friends, is another story for another time.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

This is canon in EHverse.

[Ende]

People have a tendency to look down on geography and meteorology, not just because they stand on one and get soaked by the other. They don't seem like real fun science*. But geography is just physics slowed down with a few trees and rocks on it, and meteorology is physics and chemistry in a chaotic wind. Right now, people were not looking down on those.

Indeed, they were likely the only things keeping the rain from overwhelming them and killing them all. Rajan looked up at the darkened sky with wonder. Of course, it was not the darkened sky. What it was was a mountain being held up into the air to guard against the storm.

He turned to his friend Nanda. "Look at what the hell your brat is doing, man!" he barked. "He's pissed off the gods now! Why the hell did we listen to him?"

Just this morning there had been a massive festival, a festival to honour Indra. And now they were hiding from the goddamn storm. There was no way the mountain could guard against this.


"Father, what is happening on the streets?" The five year old Krishna had asked his father.

"The Gopalas are preparing to celebrate a festival to worship Lord Indra," said Nanda. "This year, there has been a rainfall more generous and everybody is happy with the fertile crops. Since Indra is the God of rains, we should thank Him for being so gracious in his blessings!"

"How do you say that Lord Indra is the one who's causing rains, Father?" Krishna frowned in disagreement.

Nanda looked at his son in alarm.

"Of course it's Indra who's causing the rains, son. He is surely the reason for our good fortune. He's the God of the Clouds and he rules them... so he is the one who has blessed us with good rain this year," he replied hesitantly to his son.

"No, father!" refused Krishna firmly, "you're all mistaken. Govardhan Mountain is our real friend. More than the clouds above, the mountain in our village has helped us."

"How can you say that?" asked Nanda, looking at his son in disbelief.

"The fertile mountain sends the signals in the air and creates clouds that drift over the Brindavan and give us rains." replied Krishna. "So whom should we praise and worship? Not Indra, but Govardhan!"

Nanda and the other Gopalas at work gasped in surprise. How could Krishna dismiss Lord Indra, God of the Clouds and direct them to worship a mere mountain instead! This was the first time that they heard about such a thing.

"Yes, father," continued the boy. "Who gives us medicine in the form of magical herbs and plants? Who sends us clean water and air from the top of its peak?
"And who gives us good grass for our cows, so that they give us milk that's sweeter than honey? It is Govardhan!"

The initial surprise and doubts of the Gopalas were beginning to disappear. They now began to see Krishna's point.

"So why should we not worship the mountain?" Krishna continued. "It is wiser to give thanks to something which is right before us, rather than some deva who lives comfortably in the heavens."

Then reality ensued when Indra had found out and sent down his greatest storms to destroy the village. It had not been enjoyable. The demonic clouds had seemed to have a darker plan. From Nanda's house, they had quickly spread themselves over the town. The dark sky seemed to have had opened up with a vengeance. Hard rain had been pouring down in massive torrents and like unforgiving waterfalls descending out of the sky, flushing away the cattle and the frail huts. The mere thatched roofs were no match for the terrible downpour.

But then Krishna lifted the entire mountain and held it up in the air**, as though daring Indra to try harder.

---

Indra couldn't believe what the hell was going on. He addressed this as thus to his subordinates. "Did...did that just fucking happen?" he asked, sounding nonplussed. "No, seriously. Did...did that just happen?" he looked through his glass ball. "I just- that just- what." Indra said, his head about to explode.

"Hey, dumbfuck." Ganesh said to Indra up in the skies. "You know who that is?"

"An asshole?" Indra snarked back.

"Well, yes." Ganesh admitted. "But aside from that."

"A child who somehow has magical powers and has gotten in my bloody way." Indra growled. "Those damn villagers will give me my tribute. I deserve it."

"You should have figured it out by now, cuntface." Ganesh sighed. "That's Lord Krishna, incarnation of Lord Vishnu."

There was a pause. Ganesh spoke up again. "You know, for a god of the weather, you have terrible bladder control."

Indra put his head in his hands. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." the tall and muscular god said to himself. "Oh holy fucking shit, what am I going to do?"

"Apologise?" Ganesh pointed out.

Indra glared. "Even if that is an incarnation of Lord Vishnu himself, I have no intention of apologising to a mere child!"

---

"I sincerely, sincerely, apologise for trying to kill you all." Indra said to the people of the village.*** "It was a terrible accident and I lost my temper. Seriously, I'm sorry." Indra said, giving his apologies to the whole village but specifically addressing Krishna.

"Well, how are you going to show it?" Krishna asked, swinging on a swing with some of his friends. Kids tended to give as few fucks as honey badgers.

Indra's eye twitched but he kept his composure. "I repaired the damage I did to your village-"

"Make it rain candy!" demanded one of the children.

"...What?"

"Make it rain candy! Candy candy candy candy candy!" the children recited. After a few minutes of paused confusion, the adults did too.

Indra felt his dignity begin to die as he rained candy from the sky. After this, he went for a very long, long cry.

---

"Remember that story?" Ganesh asked a dark figure in the modern day. The dark figure looked up in a sleepy manner.

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Sure. But what does that matter?"

"It matters a lot. I'll help you with your goals if you help me with mine. Help me wake up Vishnu so we can have an absurdly powerful ally in the next war. This conflict in Dys should end with the world still standing, from my calculations, though those have a tendency to be flawed."

The figure stirred more. "Well, what can you do for me?"

"Help you come back home. Kronos."


*Which is something you can use to give something three legs and blow it the fuck up.
** This is where Rajan took a drug test.
*** Rajan started taking drugs again.

Your religion is the best.

The best.

[Olthar]

This?

This is the greatest thing I have ever written.

"It's all sevens and threes," Aziraphale said with his usual fascination, "I mean, Seven Sins, Seven Virtues, Seven Dwarfs, Three Bears, Rule of Three, the Trinity. All that stuff. Seven archangels. Maybe. Enoch says so."

"Hmm?" she asked.

"Enoch," Aziraphale replied, "The Book of. The Bible. Ever read it? Terribly interesting. They got a lot of things wrong."

"Is that thing with Jesus?" she said, not finding it "terribly interesting" at all.

"Well, yes, sometimes. You're not in it."

"Huh?"

"I said, you're not in it. Don't know why. You were everywhere back then. Humans are odd like that, they only write things down if it's out of place. Murder? Everywhere. The murdered standing up again and asking for a cup of tea? Happens only about once, twice a decade. Interesting. Write it down. They never stop to think that, one day, they might get wiped out and then the angels studying them won't know how they went to the bathroom.

Inconsiderate. Sort of."

Lust nodded, then shrugged. Aziraphale was perfectly dull at times - well, most of the time, really. Occasionally he said something profound, but it quickly became boring again. Angels; dry bastards, the whole lot. Really onl worth keeping around for the whole "divine perfection" thing.

If you asked Lust, they got one thing perfect, and it probably wasn't something the Pope would be willing to discuss.

But not Aziraphale. He was really rather stubborn like that. A month in and, still, nothing. He was painfully, well, angelic.

"Where do you want to go tonight?" she said, really just wanting to change the subject.

"...Go?" Aziraphale said with a blink.

"Yes, go," Lust sighed, "It's a date. You go to places."

"Yes, but," Aziraphale said thoughtfully, "the Library is a place."

"But we're already here," Lust said, throwing her arms up in exasperation.

Aziraphale wrinkled his brow and stared off into the distance, his soul completely absorbed with thought.

"This..." he began hesitantly, contemplating the finer details, "...is true. An astute observation."

"Do you ever turn this off?" Lust grumbled.

"Turn what off?" Aziraphale asked, "All of my lights are candles. I suppose I could blow them out, but then we would not be able to see."

"Angels," she groaned. They were always so goddamn literal.

"If you wish to go elsewhere," Aziraphale began to offer, "I know of a quaint demon village that I have been asking Raphael for permission to visit for several decades. I'd say it's against the rules, but I doubt that would have much of an impact on your decision."

"Has anyone, anyone, in that village been alive for the past three centuries?" Lust demanded.

"...No," Aziraphale admitted, "but, when you walk through the ashen plains and examine the old building, it feels..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Lust snapped, "Lucifer fucking Morningstar, angels are insufferable."

"This is not true," Aziraphale replied in his usual soothing tones -it wasn't exactly monotone, but it never displayed any emotion beyond a quiet enthusiasm,"Many suffer through angels in Heaven."

"Fuck," she swore, before grabbing the angel and pulling him into a deep kiss. Most men would have stopped talking at that moment and moved on, so to speak.

Instead, Aziraphale waited for Lust to stop to take a breath (a purely symbolic gesture) and wiped his mouth clean.

"Your lipsticks tastes like plastic," he noted, "Is it from Earth?"

Lust huffed and, suddenly, the two were gone.

---

"I do not understand," Aziraphale said, eying his beer suspiciously. Lust had bought it for him, and though he wasn't sure what it was, he knew it was probably bad. Things only bubbled when they were bad, like witch cauldrons.

"It's not very hard," Lust spat. For once, she did not mean that as an innuendo.

"But, why would one subject themselves to 'karaoke'?" the angel questioned.

"It's fun," she answered. OK, she probably meant that as an innuendo.]

"I find this difficult to believe," he said, as puzzled as one can be in such a small spectrum of emotions.

"Look, someone's starting," she said hurriedly, pointing Az' attention to the stage.

At this moment, the entire club went dark, except for a spotlight that was shone on the stage. From the shadows emerged a jean-clad (and, basically, only jean-clad) man wearing a cowboy hat and star-shaped glasses. On the other side, a man who looked like an elephant appeared. Each carried microphones and each turned to view the screen on which the lyrics were displayed.

"I really can't stay," replied the elephant in a high, dainty voice that might come out of a fairy.

"Baby, it's cold outside," the man in jeans began in a deep, melodious voice unexpected form his body.

"I've got to go away."

"Baby, it's cold outside."

"This evening has been..."

"Been hopin' ye'd drop in."

"So very nice..."

"I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice."

"My mother will start to worry."

"Beautiful, what's your hurry?"

"My father will be pacing the floor."

"Listen to the fireplace roar."

"So, really, I'd better scurry."

"Beautiful, please don't hurry."

"Maybe just half a drink more..."

"Put on some records while I pour..."

Ganesh and Lewis swung closer to the rhythm, giving each other rather suggestive glances.

"The neighbors might think..."

"Baby, it's bad out there."

"Say, what's in this drink?"

"No cabs to be had out there."

"I wish I knew how..."

"Your eyes are like starlight now."

"To break this spell..."

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I SEEING," Aziraphale cried in horror, "THIS IS THE WORST THING."

"I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell."

"I ought to say no, no, no..."

"Mind if I move in closer?"

"At least I can say that I tried..."

"What's the sense in hurting my pride?"

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, don't hold out..."

"Ah, but it's cooooooold oooooooutsiiiiiiiiiiide!"

"This is hilarious," Lust cackled, downing a margarita in one gulp.

"I've got to go home."

"Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there."

"I... I.." Aziraphale stammered.

"Say, lend me your coat."

"It's up to your knees out there."

"Are... are you doing this?" Aziraphale questioned, wide-eyed.

"You've been really grand..."

"Your eyes are like starlight now.."

"Nah," Lust snickered, "that's the best part. I don't even have to now."

"But don't you see.."

"How can you do this thing to me?"

"Humans," she said, "quick learners."

"There's bound to be talk tomorrow..."

"Think of my life long sorrow."

"At least there will be plenty implied..."

"You are evil," Aziraphale stuttered, abject terror overwhelming his senses.

"I really can't stay..."

"Baby, it's cold outside."

"Yeah, kinda'," Lust said with a shrug.

"We must go!" Aziraphale screamed as a hat flew into the crowd. He vanished. Lust rolled her eyes and disappeared herself.

"Hey, Al," Minh said, pointing to the table where the two had sat, "Did you see that?"

"All I see is a blonde having one too many shots..." Crowley replied with his usual charm.

"No, I thought I saw..." Minh began, "Wait... what the fuck is Lewis doing?"

"This is far more interesting than any bimbo," Crowley laughed, "I mean, in a horrifying way."

---

Aziraphale and Lust appeared back in the Library, just next to the door.

"I suppose you'll be going now," he said, reaching for the knob. Lust stepped in front of him, blocking his hand.

"Baby, it's cold outside," she said, smiling coyly.

"Well, no, actually," Aziraphale responded, "It's rather warm out at the moment."

Lust pressed her finger to the angel's lips and winked.

And what happened next, my friends, is another story for another time.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

In any case, after some thought about it and the mod ruling, I'm killing off James. I've also noted Ende's good behaviour and am giving him back Ivy provided he keeps it up.

So, Ende, you can post and stuff.

[Ende]

In any case, after some thought about it and the mod ruling, I'm killing off James. I've also noted Ende's good behaviour and am giving him back Ivy provided he keeps it up.

So, Ende, you can post and stuff.

Wait, really?

I'll get right on it.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

So, Ende, you can post and stuff.

Wait, really?

I'll get right on it.

I'm giving her back to you because you've improved in the last week. Don't make me have to lose that trust.

[Mavorpen]

Wait, really?

I'll get right on it.

I'm giving her back to you because you've improved in the last week. Don't make me have to lose that trust.

Ivy then destroys the planet.

[Ende]

Wait, really?

I'll get right on it.

I'm giving her back to you because you've improved in the last week. Don't make me have to lose that trust.

I'll make sure that doesn't happen.

[Rupudska]

I'm giving her back to you because you've improved in the last week. Don't make me have to lose that trust.

Ivy then destroys the planet.

No, that's what I plan on doing. Every day, a new way to destroy Earth and remake it as I see fit.