NationStates

Please help me rewrite my proposal,it was cast out of the queue 2 times.
Proposal:

APPRECIATING the safe and fun learning environment that the region of Absolution provides

RECOGNIZING that the threats to said environment are dealt with swiftly and cleanly

ADMIRING Absolution's diligent governmental officials and recruiting team

*the system of government provided by Absolution provides a sense of usefulness to any nation, and it is that sense that fuels the region to increase in size and quality

*said system also provides an ample education of governmental jobs,thus going beyond the mono-regional issues that the World provides


ENJOYING the subtlety of said recruiting team

*recruitment messages never clog up Regional Civil Headquarters of other regions


ACCEPTING that Absolution is a valuable part of World

The World Assembly commends the region Absolution

It's fine except you amde mention of 'Nationstates' which you're not supposed to do. You can't make mention of the game. Try using 'World' instead.

Please note I'm a native of the region and therefore biased.

United Overwatch wrote:It's fine except you amde mention of 'Nationstates' which you're not supposed to do. You can't make mention of the game. Try using 'World' instead.

The term 'NationStates' is allowed as a synonym for 'the world'. However, in the context that Black Thorne used it, you are correct that it was used to refer directly to the game, rather than as a synonym for 'the world'.

Black Thorne - your proposal was deleted because it violated Rule 4, by referring "to the game, or events or actions in it, as a game or part of a game". You should re-write it using nation simulation language.

The following clauses are still problematic:

*the system of government provided by Absolution provides a sense of usefulness to any individual, and it is that sense that fuels the region to increase in size and quality

Individual should be replaced by 'nation'.

*recruitment messages never clog up Regional Message Boards of other regions

The correct term is "Regional Civil Headquarters".

I'd mention the website if I were you. The stuff you mentioned could apply to lots of regions, but I was impressed with their site.

Sedgistan wrote:

*recruitment messages never clog up Regional Message Boards of other regions

The correct term is "Regional Civil Headquarters".

If its going to become law, Max should change it back to "Regional Message Boards".. no-one uses "Civil Headquarters", it's more of a joke than anything else. Personally I think terms that have once been put in place, should be grandfathered, like "Regional Message Boards" and "Regional Controls" (as opposed to "Administration"). The latter having been around while the SC was still kicking.

*shrugs*

Please note that the GHR page uses the term "Regional Messageboard", the FAQ uses both "Regional Message Board" (with space added) and "Civil Headquarters message board", the regional administration page speaks of "Regional Message Board", and the news page on May 13 2009 also speaks of "Regional Message Board".

IMHO they've always been used interchangeably.

Ballotonia

I'm not sure if this is against Rule #4, but Absolution as an organization is also famous for allowing governments of all nations to check up and track their economical status through the NS Tracker system. That would be one reason for a commendation.

Thank you gracious critiques!Now I urge you to vote on said commendation.

Black Thorne wrote:Thank you gracious critiques!Now I urge you to vote on said commendation.

I suggest continuing to draft and improve the thread here. I don't believe that the proposal is ready for submission as of yet. I don't know that the proposal is illegal as currently submitted, but I doubt you'll get the support you need with the current proposal text.

I suggest filing a GHR to request a removal of the proposal and continuing to work on it's improvement here on the forums.

Ballotonia wrote:Please note that the GHR page uses the term "Regional Messageboard", the FAQ uses both "Regional Message Board" (with space added) and "Civil Headquarters message board", the regional administration page speaks of "Regional Message Board", and the news page on May 13 2009 also speaks of "Regional Message Board".

The Getting Help Page, FAQs and News Page are all OOC pages containing information about the game, rather than being an actual part of the game. However, as the regional administration page still (rather inconsistently) mentions Regional Message Boards, the term is allowed. However, it would nonetheless be preferable to call them Regional Civil Headquarters, as that is the more prominently displayed name for them.

Mousebumples wrote:I suggest continuing to draft and improve the thread here. I don't believe that the proposal is ready for submission as of yet. I don't know that the proposal is illegal as currently submitted, but I doubt you'll get the support you need with the current proposal text.

I suggest filing a GHR to request a removal of the proposal and continuing to work on it's improvement here on the forums.

I would second that recommendation - the proposal does not look ready for submission, and there are still some areas of dubious legality, which I'd like some time to think about.

Please continue critiquing then,by all means.


Also please tell me how I might get delegates to approve it

Black Thorne wrote:Please continue critiquing then,by all means.


Also please tell me how I might get delegates to approve it

create a better proposal?

OK?Was that an insult to Absolution?

Black Thorne wrote:OK?Was that an insult to Absolution?

No, it's him telling you that your proposal wasn't good enough to be approved by delegates.

OK I'll rewrite it

Black Thorne wrote:APPRECIATING the safe and fun learning environment that the region of Absolution provides

I've been trying to get my head around this clause, but I really don't think it can be read as anything other than referring "to the game, or events or actions in it, as a game or part of a game" - and therefore it violates Rule 4.

Try re-writing it with nation simulation language, because at the moment it's an issue.

How about adding " to nations and their leaderships." to that sentence?

Ballotonia

I decided to scrap the idea.they don't do anything.Except ban unjustly.

Black Thorne wrote:I decided to scrap the idea.they don't do anything.Except ban unjustly.

Clearly an unfounded judgement made out of frustration.

Freeoplis
Ambassador of Absolution