Everything you need to know about the WASC HQ
(but were afraid to ask)
(but were afraid to ask)
Seventy-two hours ago you were being interviewed for a job you weren’t aware existed for an organization you’ve never heard of. Twelve hours in business-class, two layovers, and a limo ride later, you soon arrive in the lobby of a bauhausian monolith — only to be rudely appraised by the front kiosk that you’re in the wrong building entirely.
“This is the World Assembly HQ — you want the other one,” says the concierge.
“Isn’t the Security Council in the WA…!?” you ask, bewildered.
“You must be new here,” she remarks.
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Rest assured, we’ve all been there before one time or another (and for our most chemically-indulgent diplomats, it’s a regular occurrence).
This manual and its accompanying map, lexicon, and royalty-free musical greeting card are a part of a special orientation package, funded and compiled by the Rule Four Appreciation Society, for the purposes of on-boarding new ambassadors to their new forever-home: the WA Security Council. Our hope is that this guide’s contents, though poorly-sourced, make for a compelling, essential, and invariably helpful reading for the novice diplomat.
The WASC HQ: A Brief History
Established in 2009, the WA Security Council was founded to resolve a major fracas that emerged in the Great Hall over collectible badges. Shortly after the ambulances arrived for Dr. Merrywether and the Kandarin representative, the WA Secretariat reached a historic ad hoc agreement — known today as “The Great Schism” — to split the World Assembly into two entirely distinct intergovernmental bodies.
Several months later, a separate headquarters for the WA Security Council was built adjacent to the original WAHQ on Lake Security Council. Its unique design was the architectural vision of the once-famed Maud van der Smit, who conceived a glass, prismatic structure for the new headquarters, before descending into madness and joining a vaudeville troupe. The building’s construction was privately financed and continues to this day to be maintained through bake-sales, bribes, telethons, and the Eduard F. Heir Foundation.
Today, the headquarters welcomes countless scores of new ambassadors, like yourself, every day, each endeavoring to spread peace and goodwill: albeit some less peaceful than others.
Getting to the WASC HQ
All-day access to the WASC HQ is provided by way of monorail to and from the WAHQ.
To make your way over, you will want to catch a “green line” car from Gatesville Station (the one with the artificial waterfall1) and get off at its terminus, Topid Station. 2
The ride itself is short, often two minutes or less3, and usually painless, save for tourists and the occasional beatnik. Each ride requires tokens, therefore regular staff are encouraged to purchase an annual pass instead.4
Gatesville Station is conveniently located for newcomers on the ninth floor of the WAHQ5: so after obtaining your initial security clearance from the OBM, you can head straight to the platform on the same floor — or catch a cockfight6 instead if you’re so inclined.
There are other ways to reach the WASC HQ, of course. Most notably, the dockyards, which are open to pleasure crafts but unreachable in winter when the surrounding lake operates as a skating rink.7 A system of short, ‘gnome-sized’ underground tunnels (be careful of the overhead beams) — off bounds to non-staff — also connects the complexes.8 We don’t recommend traveling to the WASC HQ by air as there is a large, miser-shaped dirigible known to hover around the premises (a remnant from the “Commend A Mean Old Man” celebrations).
Casting your vote
When you first arrive, you will want to catch the tail end of voting. You should always aim to vote early: the attention of the other delegations wanes after the first dozen speeches. If you do have the misfortune of voting late, we recommend skipping any prepared remarks and try performing a few rudimentary magic tricks instead (or risk being booed).
The Great Chamber of the Security Council9 occupies most of the third floor.10 To reach the chamber from the station, pass through the lobby and its (deceptively cozy11) armchairs and follow the arrows to the central paternoster. When approaching, the attending staff will open the chamber’s doors and announce your arrival.12
A common question that tour guides receive from schoolchildren is how the voting chamber is supposed to accommodate tens of thousands of delegations. The truth is that limited participation on the part of delegations means the hall, far from being crowded, is nearly always empty.
Don’t bother learning any of the courtesies, nobody else does, but as a general ground rule in the main hall, hot beverages are forbidden13 and ever since the infamous “Liberate Haven” debate and the ensuing carnage, firearms have also been strongly discouraged. Please also avoid using sweets, such as pie, as projectiles — the sugar attracts ants.
As the WASC HQ has never been able to afford to outfit its facility with nullifier technology equivalent to that which can be found in the WAHQ, ambassadors should be mindful of their own personal security and conscious of the potential hazards of dueling.14
Finding your way around
You’ve cast your vote, made your remarks, and now, you’re wondering, dear reader, what’s next for you and your esteemed colleagues?
We at the Rule Four Appreciation Society recommend calling it a day and absconding for an overpriced14 coffee at the Councillor’s Café15 (recently renovated after the last séance16), or grab an omelet from the cafeteria17 — and if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, there is always lots to do at the WASC HQ which doesn’t involve work.
The advantage of being a WA Security Councillor is hardly anyone cares what you do.
Go explore! The headquarters complex itself is divided into quarters. Naturally, with its superb view of Lake Security Council, the west corner is a prime location for offices and businesses, whereas the east is nearly often deserted.18 The higher the floor, the more exclusive the real estate with the fourth floor penthouse, the most exclusive. We hope as you begin your journey as a councillor that you’ll find the time to play air hockey, learn a hobby, throw rocks at the Bhang Bhang Duc delegation — and if you’re still bored, have a drink at the Three Walled Bar.
The Three Walled Bar
Finding the Three Walled Bar, the WASC HQ’s own speakeasy, is notoriously difficult — many ambassadors over the years have accidentally discovered the bar, only to forget after a night of hard-drinking how they got to the bar in the first place.
For the most reliable way to find the Three Walled Bar, enter the Grand Chamber, then turn around to face the back wall, which is easily identifiable as the purple accent wall.19 Approach the bookshelf to your right and search for a black leather-backed volume titled the “Compendium” — pull the book forward, hold the shelf tight, and let the revolving bookcase’s momentum carry you into the wall cavity. A flashlight, lantern, or other source of light is highly recommended to gauge when to throw yourself off the shelf into the adjoining antechamber. Mind the gap.
After the Great Chamber was remodeled in 2010, changes to the chamber’s layout resulted in the creation of an unintentional, interstitial space which the Three Walled Bar now occupies.
You should encounter no difficulties in finding a seat, the Three Walled Bar is generally not busy at any hour. We recommend avoiding any perishables (e.g., liqueurs, vermouth, oysters) and bring a cloth or handkerchief to wipe dust from your barstool. On a more pleasant note however, the venue has recently acquired a space heater and a complete demolding from a private benefactor20 — and the glassware, “borrowed” from the WA Strangers Bar, is of genuine quality.
The long, unexplained absence of the barkeeper, Cedric, a young dandy type, has not gone unnoticed by patrons and is a subject of idle speculation.21 Has he run off with a mistress? Inherited a mysterious fortune? Or simply been abducted for further re-education? In lieu of a bartender, you’re welcome to make your own drink and put it on your tab, or do what everyone else does and bring your own drink.22 Regular denizens of the pub include a squatter, H. Lionel Mandrake, a man named Tim (frequently asleep at the bar), and several pot-belly pigs.
Passing a resolution
We should caution you that although being a representative at the WA Security Council is generally stress-free and largely without responsibilities or oversight, once in a while, you will receive a call after midnight from your foreign minister (do your best to sound sober) berating you for underperformance and threatening to cut off your privileges if you don’t pass a resolution within the next week…
No stress! Relax! No, really. This ritual is simply part and parcel of life as an ambassador — and tends to follow the electoral cycle.
Passing a resolution in the WA Security Council is relatively easy, unless you are a Tinhamptonian. Just head down to the mezzanine, grab an idea from the community bulletin-board and begin researching a nominee at the nearest ULC branch. After a few weeks workshopping your proposal in committee, you will be well on your way to passing a resolution. Submit your resolution to the appropriate board, scour the lobby for endorsements, and bribe whoever you need to bribe.
We hope that you found this handbook an invaluable foundation for you ahead of your promising new career with the WA Security Council. Thank you for reading and best wishes to you in all of your future endeavors.
If you enjoyed this handbook, please consider making a charitable donation today to the Rule Four Appreciation Society. Every donation makes a big difference in ensuring our beloved headquarters can offer representatives and their staff, a safe and clean environment, free from algae, mold, and gastroenteritis. Donations over $100 NSD qualify you for a monthly subscription to the Councillor’s Gazette, your one-stop shop for gossip and paid lobbyist op-eds.  |