NationStates

I'm back at this SC thing again! I've been working on this for a couple of weeks after taking over the original draft from Altmoras and I think it's reached a state where further improvements to the draft are going to require feedback from the rest of the community to do so. As usual, every critique is appreciated.

Current Draft:

The Security Council,

Identifying Haku as a military powerhouse dedicated to the protection of vulnerable communities and a remarkable benefactor of fellow guardians around the multiverse,

Lamenting Haku’s sinister roots as a noted member of various invader organizations under the alias Hired Contractor before seeing the error in their ways and taking a stand to shield the helpless from harm,

Noting that while a number of invaders have sought to redeem themselves after a career of villainy, very few were able to completely outshine their dark past as Haku has, thanks in no small part to the enviable qualities of their military personnel. Hakuan tacticians are blessed with superhuman reflexes, innovative problem solving abilities, prodigious tactical aptitudes and concise communication skills, making them invaluable in ensuring the success of defender operations ranging from preventing petty attacks to organizing full scale liberations,

Highlighting the earnestness of Haku’s reformation by examining their unrivaled participation in defending expeditions since their defection. Battle reports detail warriors from Haku appearing in more than 16,000 operations, over 9,000 of which were defenses,

Revealing Haku as the master architect behind some of the most memorable defender triumphs in history, including:

• Freeing the natives of Sol Confederate and Peoples Republic Of The Commonwealth from fascist rule in back-to-back expeditions in December 2018,
• Leading the defense of Middle Earth from invaders with over 20 defenders in tow in November 2019, the first of many noteworthy defenses Haku went on to lead,
• Stopping a large invader coalition from seizing Markion and Christmas in May 2020, with their tactical propensity being able to predict prospective invasion targets,
• Ending an untimely incursion of Christmas in July 2020 with the help of 37 fellow liberators, allowing the local elves to peacefully resume their preparations for the holidays,
• Single-handedly saving Asia from a large-scale invasion through the swift usage of border control powers in August 2020, a feat which further solidified Haku’s reputation as a martial force to be reckoned with,
• Assisting in the refounding of Iran with Lenlyvit in August 2020 by utilizing the proxy state Time Freeze, whose influence initially gathered during an earlier invader operation was critical in ensuring the manoeuver’s success,
• Restoring The New Order Last Days Of Europe to native control with Refuge Isle and 105 other rescuers in November 2021, the operation being rightfully recognized as one of the largest liberations ever, and
• Lending crucial aid to hundreds of other successful defenses and liberations over a span of half a decade, the extraordinary amount of work going nearly unmentioned in public until now,

Acknowledging Hakuan technicians to be exceptionally adroit with military technology, shown through the technological contributions they have made to the defender community. These include, but are not limited to, advanced recruitment technology, a new archive of regional World Factbook Entries to replace the defunct archive created by Eluvatar, and an automated system that prompts nations to activate their hidden proxy states in a founderless region if it is under attack, thus letting liberators to better challenge ongoing occupations,

Remarking that Haku’s vigilance in safeguarding innocent populations from danger extends beyond interregional conflicts, made evident by their stellar leadership of the nuclear power Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which has dominated the multiverse’s wastelands in annual nuclear apocalypse events while still managing to keep most of its inhabitants safe. Of particular note is the year of 2019, where Haku’s superlative efforts to shield Horsemen from incoming missile strikes was vital in it clinching a decisive victory over the faction’s rivals,

Observing that Haku’s redemption occurred under the banner of The Order of the Grey Wardens, a defender military organization devoted to combating darkspawn invaders, where Haku substantially contributed to its rise as one of the pillars of the defender community by:

• Creating a new regional forum for the Wardens, providing a reliable hub of activity and enhancing organizational security,
• Developing Riordan, a machine that provides useful and varied functions for the region’s communication channels,
• Devising new protocols for officers to follow to safeguard neonatal founderless regions, empowering the Wardens to better protect at-risk communities from decimation, and
• Overhauling the organization’s integration practices, thus ensuring the exponential growth of its ranks for years to come,

Believing Haku’s silent, yet brilliant, service to the international community should not go unrecognized by this august body,

Hereby commends Haku.

Co-authored by Altmoras.

Character count is 4998 with BBCode and 4902 without BBCode.



My sincerest thanks to Grea Kriopia, Refuge Isle, HumanSanity, Quebecshire, Honeydewistania, Chingis and Xoriet for the valuable help they provided while I was drafting this!

If this is true, i support it with every inch of my body! I will go see him rn, to say thanks for defending these regions.

I... had no idea that Hired Contractor was Haku. Weird.

Edit: Support.

Edit 2:

I mentioned to Moon that I think the 8 bullet points is unnecessary, and that he should talk more about the more notable or interesting things (e.g. Iran, Asia), in order to redirect emphasis to a few very memorable aspects of Haku's career.

However, I offer the following other suggestions.

Lamenting Haku’s sinister roots as a noted member of various invader organizations under the alias Hired Contractor before seeing the error in their ways and taking a stand to shield the helpless from harm,

It's a deleted nation, which could look bad to a naive voter. Also, is the story of Haku really one of redemption? I feel you're giving undue weight to this facet of their history. As some of you know, I too had embarrassing previous accounts early on in my time on NS. I sure as hell would never approve of them being put in an SC draft.

Noting that while a number of invaders have sought to redeem themselves after a career of villainy, very few were able to completely outshine their dark past as Haku has,

I don't believe this, and I don't think it really adds to the draft. So, what happened, they grew up?

Hakuan tacticians

The moment of IC-ness in an otherwise OOC draft feels weird to me.

superhuman reflexes, innovative problem solving abilities, prodigious tactical aptitudes and concise communication skills

Are all these adjectives really necessary? I feel as though I could assign them to any successful defender. Why not pick the ones that really describe Haku, or, better yet, were the direct cause of some of their successes? Superhuman reflexes explains Asia; technical skill explains the tools built.

9,191

I don't like that there's a comma there, but that's just me.

And do you really intend on assigning numbers to the ones place? It feels tacky to be listing it out like that, as though I'm reading TGW's logs. Maybe just "thousands of defenses and hundreds of liberations". That gets the message across very well.

Leading the defense of Middle Earth from invaders with over 20 defenders in tow in November 2019, the first of many noteworthy defenses Haku went on to lead,

Again, who cares how many defenders there were or what month it was? If I were you, I would just say that Haku "led a defense of Middle Earth, Markion, Christmas, Region X, Region Y, etc".

Iran seems worth stressing. So does Asia.

Lending crucial aid to hundreds of other successful defenses and liberations over a span of half a decade, the extraordinary amount of work going nearly unmentioned in public until now,

You already said this.

made evident by the technological contributions they have made to the defender community

"made... made".

"made evident by" ==> "shown through" perhaps?

I'm a native English speaker and I've never seen "adroit" before.

Overall though, this technical clause is my favorite. Very little fluff or frills, and lots of impressive things made.

Developing Riordan, a machine that provides useful and varied functions for the region’s communication channels,

Useful and varied functions?

Believing Haku’s silent, yet brilliant, service to the international community should not go unrecognized by this august body,

Here's your thesis, of sorts:

Identifying Haku as a military powerhouse zealously dedicated to the protection of vulnerable communities around the multiverse,

Which has nothing to do with your final sentence. The first sentence is some vague clause that applies to every defender. The second is better; it suggests they're the silent but vital force behind all of defender's great scripts.

Complete support. A commendation for Haku would be extremely deserved and is at this point overdue. One of the most skilled, dedicated, and fun R/Ders the site has ever seen.

Speaking as a (very lowly) participant in the Markion and Christmas jumps, that particular update was not a complete failure; we just occupied Boston for a few days instead!

To be perfectly clear, I have no objections to Commend Haku in principle.

“I am currently skeptical on the clause about contributions in the annual nuclear event of the multiverse, since I cannot piece together if it is significant enough. Otherwise, this commendation fulfills my SC commendation checklist. There are no major errors that I can detect, it is well-written, and the target has defended many regions of the multiverse.”
-Ms. Charlotte Schafer, WA Ambassador for the Clevesian Empire

Support.

Since I actually feel like supporting this.

Trivene wrote:Noting that while a number of invaders have sought to redeem themselves after a career of villainy, very few were able to completely outshine their dark past as Haku has, thanks in no small part to the enviable qualities of their military personnel. Hakuan tacticians are blessed with superhuman reflexes, innovative problem-solving abilities, prodigious tactical aptitudes, and concise communication skills, making them invaluable in ensuring the success of defender operations ranging from preventing petty attacks to organising full-scale liberations,

Remarking that Haku’s vigilance in safeguarding innocent populations from danger extends beyond interregional conflicts, made evident by their stellar leadership of the nuclear power Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which has dominated the multiverse’s wastelands in annual nuclear apocalypse events while still managing to keep most of its inhabitants safe. Of particular note is the year of 2019, where Haku’s superlative efforts to shield Horsemen from incoming missile strikes waswere vital in it clinching a decisive victory over the faction’s rivals,

Support!

Nice draft!!! I just have a couple of minor stylistic suggestions beyond what's already been brought up:

Stopping a large invader coalition from seizing Markion and Christmas in May 2020, with Haku’s tactical propensity for predicting prospective invasion targets beforehand,

This feels a bit awkward to read after the comma, maybe "Stopping a large invader coalition from seizing Markion and Christmas in May 2020 using their tactical propensity for predicting prospective invasion targets" would be more readable? You already have "predicting" and "prospective" emphasising the point, adding "beforehand" at the end seems a bit cumbersome.

Streamlining the documentation process of documenting battle records, massively increasing the previously tedious procedure’s overall efficiency,

I'd remove "documentation" here to avoid repetition.

I agree with Bormiar about the emphasis on Haku's time as a raider seeming a little out of place. I don't think this was the intention at all but it reads a bit like you're trying to preempt and counter possible arguments against the proposal, so I'm not sure it particularly makes your case more convincing. You have plenty of material to work with from their contributions to defending!!

Thank you all for your support!

Bormiar wrote:I mentioned to Moon that I think the 8 bullet points is unnecessary, and that he should talk more about the more notable or interesting things (e.g. Iran, Asia), in order to redirect emphasis to a few very memorable aspects of Haku's career.

I'll try to rework that clause as I said in Discord, but there's a fair chance that the character limit might end up obstructing the way for that.

Bormiar wrote:It's a deleted nation, which could look bad to a naive voter.

Fair.

Bormiar wrote:Also, is the story of Haku really one of redemption? I feel you're giving undue weight to this facet of their history. As some of you know, I too had embarrassing previous accounts early on in my time on NS. I sure as hell would never approve of them being put in an SC draft.

I'm not sure why we're considering being a raider an embarrassing thing, but I assume you meant why I chose to focus on Haku's past action for the first few clauses of the draft.

The reason for that is well, narrative. Altmoras originally wanted to construct a redemption narrative for the proposal when he started working on this, openly acknowledging that Haku used to be a raider and a prolific one at that. When I took over, I quite liked that idea and decided to keep it as it is, instead of removing it. I personally think that I'm giving it just the right amount of attention it deserves, with references to it in the Lamenting and Noting clauses and an off-hand mention to it in the Revealing clause. I think it serves as an excellent storytelling device and adds some flair to the draft.

I also have Haku's approval for how I've portrayed him in this. I would've have done so if I didn't have the nominee's permission.

Bormiar wrote:So, what happened, they grew up?

Once again, very confused by the portrayal of raiders as nothing more than "edgy" teenager.

As for what happened, he became a defender and the rest is in the draft itself

Bormiar wrote:The moment of IC-ness in an otherwise OOC draft feels weird to me.

Will change.

Bormiar wrote:Are all these adjectives really necessary? I feel as though I could assign them to any successful defender. Why not pick the ones that really describe Haku, or, better yet, were the direct cause of some of their successes? Superhuman reflexes explains Asia; technical skill explains the tools built.

Having seen Haku at work, I believe that all of the adjectives included the draft adequately describes Haku's qualities. But just for clarification, I'll list out what I mean by each adjective:

• "superhuman reflexes" - Haku was one of the first defenders to get a 0s jump while chasing raiders, and undoubtedly the first to do it consistently for a long time. This also refers to his quick puppet-switching during tag defenses, as well as the Asia thing you already mentioned.
• "innovative problem solving abilities" - For a very long time, Haku was the guy the majority of defenderdom would go to if they had a technical or strategic problem that needed solving, along with Roavin. This kind of overlaps with the tactical aptitude bit, I felt that this was a major enough aspect for me to include it, as I've seen those problems solving skills at work with my own eyes
• "prodigious tactical aptitudes" - See above and the third point in the Revealing clause for a sense of what I'm talking about. Again, another thing that you would need to update with him to get what I'm talking about, but I can dig up some operations from the archives to highlight this.
• "concise communication skills" - Kind of an inside joke, but Haku doesn't say a lot of things, so I got the idea to include it from the mental picture of him successfully commanding large armies of liberators and keeping order with his usual self

Bormiar wrote:I don't like that there's a comma there, but that's just me.

And do you really intend on assigning numbers to the ones place? It feels tacky to be listing it out like that, as though I'm reading TGW's logs. Maybe just "thousands of defenses and hundreds of liberations". That gets the message across very well.

I'll consider that, thanks.

Bormiar wrote:Again, who cares how many defenders there were or what month it was? If I were you, I would just say that Haku "led a defense of Middle Earth, Markion, Christmas, Region X, Region Y, etc".

Iran seems worth stressing. So does Asia.

Again, will try to rework.

Bormiar wrote:You already said this.

There's a difference. I said that he participated in X defenses and Y liberations, not that he helped out with all of those. Big liberations are usually the result of several commanders working together behind the scenes to make sure everything clicks together and there are a lot of liberations in which while Haku didn't play a principal role, he still helped out with logistics and tactics to make the operation succeed. That's what I was referring to with that particular point.

Bormiar wrote:I'm a native English speaker and I've never seen "adroit" before.

Merriam-Webster says;

having or showing skill, cleverness, or resourcefulness in handling situations...

So yeah, it's an actual word

Bormiar wrote:Useful and varied functions?

As I've said on Discord, Riordan is TGW's server bot. Think of Coconut for TSP, The Swakistek for Europeia or Dot for a whole host of regions including Refugia and Thaecia. I'm not sure I can say what its actual functions are in the draft without breaking the fourt wall.

Bormiar wrote:Which has nothing to do with your final sentence. The first sentence is some vague clause that applies to every defender. The second is better; it suggests they're the silent but vital force behind all of defender's great scripts.

Fair, will try to rework.

Tinhampton wrote:Speaking as a (very lowly) participant in the Markion and Christmas jumps, that particular update was not a complete failure; we just occupied Boston for a few days instead!

Really funny story about that too.

Along with predicting Markion and Christmas, Haku managed to narrow down the raiders' next choice of targets to either Iran or Boston. Defenders ended up premoving to Iran, since it was a juicier target than Boston of all places is.

So yeah, that point stays.

Fachumonn wrote:Since I actually feel like supporting this.

Trivene wrote:Noting that while a number of invaders have sought to redeem themselves after a career of villainy, very few were able to completely outshine their dark past as Haku has, thanks in no small part to the enviable qualities of their military personnel. Hakuan tacticians are blessed with superhuman reflexes, innovative problem-solving abilities, prodigious tactical aptitudes, and concise communication skills, making them invaluable in ensuring the success of defender operations ranging from preventing petty attacks to organising full-scale liberations,

Remarking that Haku’s vigilance in safeguarding innocent populations from danger extends beyond interregional conflicts, made evident by their stellar leadership of the nuclear power Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which has dominated the multiverse’s wastelands in annual nuclear apocalypse events while still managing to keep most of its inhabitants safe. Of particular note is the year of 2019, where Haku’s superlative efforts to shield Horsemen from incoming missile strikes waswere vital in it clinching a decisive victory over the faction’s rivals,

Will change.

Maowi wrote:This feels a bit awkward to read after the comma, maybe "Stopping a large invader coalition from seizing Markion and Christmas in May 2020 using their tactical propensity for predicting prospective invasion targets" would be more readable? You already have "predicting" and "prospective" emphasising the point, adding "beforehand" at the end seems a bit cumbersome.

That works, thanks!

Maowi wrote:I'd remove "documentation" here to avoid repetition.

Oops, that was a mistake. Will fix in the next draft.

Maowi wrote:I agree with Bormiar about the emphasis on Haku's time as a raider seeming a little out of place. I don't think this was the intention at all but it reads a bit like you're trying to preempt and counter possible arguments against the proposal, so I'm not sure it particularly makes your case more convincing. You have plenty of material to work with from their contributions to defending!!

Would like to redirect you to my respond to Bormiar regarding this, i.e for narrative and storytelling purposes.

I expect Draft 2 to be an actual thing within this week.

Bormiar wrote:Again, who cares how many defenders there were or what month it was? If I were you, I would just say that Haku "led a defense of Middle Earth, Markion, Christmas, Region X, Region Y, etc".

I strongly disagree with this.

Contextualising time is generally important in the SC, not only for being able to pinpoint exactly what is being talked about, but for describing why it was significant. The liberation of Trovons, for example, was incredibly substantial for a record-breaking turnout of liberators (over 100 in one update), but the region has since been refounded and retired. A defence or liberation thereof could be perceived to have been on the scale of a handful of raiders and defenders by passing mention alone. When it comes to regions like Middle Earth and Christmas, there is no shortage of defences and liberations, so a passing mention means relatively little without specifics and context for those regions especially.

Commendable nominee, and I support this, but I agree with Bormiar re: "Lamenting". I also don't see the need for three nothing clauses at the start.

So deserved for hundreds of updates spent hard carrying defending.

I'm supportive of the "lamenting" clause staying in to give a better picture of Haku's origins on NS and narrative arc in his career (narrative is what Moon as an author does best, after all). The "noting" clause is a little out there but definitely not nothing. Probably the best summary to put "this person is freaking insane mechanically talented" into SC speak along with some indication of character

Apatosaurus wrote:Commendable nominee, and I support this, but I agree with Bormiar re: "Lamenting". I also don't see the need for three nothing clauses at the start.

longest ns retirement

Honeydewistania wrote:

Apatosaurus wrote:Commendable nominee, and I support this, but I agree with Bormiar re: "Lamenting". I also don't see the need for three nothing clauses at the start.

longest ns retirement

Where's the party emoji when you need it?

No Reliant clause, 2/10

Full support

The Middle Earth defence mentioned was the result of a leak if memory serves, so I’m not entirely certain if Haku was primarily responsible for its defence.

Full support, naturally. Haku has been consistently one of the leading defenders for years, and from everything I’ve heard, was responsible for or played a crucial role in most of its greatest successes in 2019/2020, after a period where the defender faction was rather beaten down. Portraying Haku’s story as a tale of redemption seems fitting, and I’m a little surprised by the opposition to it - Haku was a fairly notable raider, and including it provides the resolution with a narrative, and makes the draft more unique.

As a final, minor thing, I believe Haku was First Warden as well, but from a quick glance I don’t see it mentioned.

Apatosaurus wrote:Commendable nominee, and I support this, but I agree with Bormiar re: "Lamenting". I also don't see the need for three nothing clauses at the start.

Welcome back, I see that your "retirement" happened to be a short one.

As I've articulated above, I strongly disagree with the notion that the first three clauses are nothingburgers that serve no purpose whatsoever. The Identifying clause is a variation of the same starting clause that is found in almost every C/C the SC has passed over the last few years and is used to introduce the nominee to readers who're unfamiliar with the Gameplay community and thus who exactly Haku might be. The Lamenting clause is used as a framing device to set the stage for the main narrative arc I'm going with this, i.e redemption. It serves a similar purpose to that of the Recalling clause in Commend Karputsk and the Thinking clause in Commend Pope Hope, in that it sets out the origin story of the nominee and gives readers valuable context about the forthcoming clauses which are collectively the meat of the proposal. The Noting clause serves a slightly similar purpose, but instead it's used in a SC-legal way to express Haku's personality and commendable attributes, as well as hopefully hammer in the point just how ridiculously talented he is as a defender from a mechanical point of view.

All of these three clauses have a distinct impetus and greatly contributes to the overall quality of the draft. As such, the best I can do it is tone it down and even then I'd be very much skeptical of the change.

Chingis wrote:No Reliant clause, 2/10

A Bloodred Moon wrote:The Middle Earth defence mentioned was the result of a leak if memory serves, so I’m not entirely certain if Haku was primarily responsible for its defence.

From what I've found out, Haku was the one to leak that particular piece of intelligence under an alt that would lead to the aforementioned of Middle Earth, so I'd say that it's appropriate to give him the primary credit for it.

A Bloodred Moon wrote:As a final, minor thing, I believe Haku was First Warden as well, but from a quick glance I don’t see it mentioned.

I mentioned his Chamberlain and First Warden tenures in the original draft, but decided to remove it after recieving further feedback from people. I've instead compiled the notable things he has done in those positions altogether in the Observing clause instead of detailing specific roles and wasting valuable characters, so that I can focus on other aspects of the proposal.

Fwiw I tjink those beginning clauses are fine as is

support

No support. We need to use the SC to focus on the achivements of raiders, and not defenders.

Generally pretty good, not sure about the “Highlighting...” clause though. The rest of it however, reads very nicely, good flow and the research is impressive.

Will be happy to support should it come to vote.

Team Leo wrote:No support. We need to use the SC to focus on the achivements of raiders, and not defenders.

Your contribution is as predictable as it is pointless.

Team Leo wrote:No support. We need to use the SC to focus on the achivements of raiders, and not defenders.

Trivene wrote:I'm not sure why we're considering being a raider an embarrassing thing

Trivene wrote:Once again, very confused by the portrayal of raiders as nothing more than "edgy" teenager.

I didn't mean to imply that at all. Hired Contractor is a deleted nation. I have no idea how that happened, but I thought it implied they were an OOC problem a long time ago.

Trivene wrote:

Bormiar wrote:Are all these adjectives really necessary? I feel as though I could assign them to any successful defender. Why not pick the ones that really describe Haku, or, better yet, were the direct cause of some of their successes? Superhuman reflexes explains Asia; technical skill explains the tools built.

Having seen Haku at work, I believe that all of the adjectives included the draft adequately describes Haku's qualities. But just for clarification, I'll list out what I mean by each adjective:

• "superhuman reflexes" - Haku was one of the first defenders to get a 0s jump while chasing raiders, and undoubtedly the first to do it consistently for a long time. This also refers to his quick puppet-switching during tag defenses, as well as the Asia thing you already mentioned.
• "innovative problem solving abilities" - For a very long time, Haku was the guy the majority of defenderdom would go to if they had a technical or strategic problem that needed solving, along with Roavin. This kind of overlaps with the tactical aptitude bit, I felt that this was a major enough aspect for me to include it, as I've seen those problems solving skills at work with my own eyes
• "prodigious tactical aptitudes" - See above and the third point in the Revealing clause for a sense of what I'm talking about. Again, another thing that you would need to update with him to get what I'm talking about, but I can dig up some operations from the archives to highlight this.
• "concise communication skills" - Kind of an inside joke, but Haku doesn't say a lot of things, so I got the idea to include it from the mental picture of him successfully commanding large armies of liberators and keeping order with his usual self

Best to put your evidence in the resolution, rather than the thread.

Trivene wrote:

Bormiar wrote:I'm a native English speaker and I've never seen "adroit" before.

Merriam-Webster says;

having or showing skill, cleverness, or resourcefulness in handling situations...

So yeah, it's an actual word

I wasn't suggesting it wasn't a word. I just don't think people should have to look up the words in a C&C.

Then again, this could be one of those "random gaps in knowledge" things, and most people actually do know what "adroit" is. However, the Ngram viewer never lies!

---

While I agree that the Hired Contractor clauses have a story-telling value, I don't think it's the right story to tell. Again, it only serves a purpose if the story is one of redemption. The difference between Hired Contractor and the start of Karputsk and PH's commendations is that their stories show how they joined their main groups; it works especially well in Karp's case because it shows how he rised to the occasion.

This ties in pretty well with Luca's (Refuge Isle's) point. While his extra detail is historically useful, C&Cs are not long enough nor in a format such one could give a full historical account of events. I'd concede that mentioning the number of updaters and month of Trovons seems useful to the argument; Middle Earth and Christmas, not so much. Emodea can simply leave information in the thread for anyone who wants to know which liberation it was. It does not contribute value to the argument, as it's implied to most readers that these liberations were significant and large even without stating the number of updaters.