[PASSED] Commend Bran Astor

[Nova Vandalia]

Draft 3 has been added!

Looking great to me Vara!

"Inspired by Bran Astor’s cultural expertise and innovative approach to foreign affairs alongside the degree of effort they have dedicated both in The West Pacific and the region they themselves founded;" is the only correction I noted. Looking forward to your submission.

[Giovanniland]

Full support, of course! The draft looks good from the first read, and I hope to see it at vote in the future.

Draft 3 has been added!

Do NOT submit!

I don't think anyone listens to futile attempts from repeat offenders of spamming message boards...

[Tinhampton]

TWPride Month, a month long event

As if that wasn't already obvious.

his development of the apprenticeship system

Illegal wording.

Coauthored by Dilber, Xoriet, and Hulldom

Suspiciously absent from your latest draft.

[WayNeacTia]

his development of the apprenticeship system

Illegal wording.

I assume you have a post quoting the exact rule that this violates?

[Comfed]

Illegal wording.

I assume you have a post quoting the exact rule that this violates?

2b - "Proposals cannot reference the "real world" outside of NationStates. In particular, they must refer to nations as nations, not as the player behind them. This includes avoiding the use of personal pronouns such as 'he' or "she'; instead use 'they'."

[WayNeacTia]

I assume you have a post quoting the exact rule that this violates?

2b - "Proposals cannot reference the "real world" outside of NationStates. In particular, they must refer to nations as nations, not as the player behind them. This includes avoiding the use of personal pronouns such as 'he' or "she'; instead use 'they'."

You are quite correct. Didn't see the "he" in there.

[Comfed]

2b - "Proposals cannot reference the "real world" outside of NationStates. In particular, they must refer to nations as nations, not as the player behind them. This includes avoiding the use of personal pronouns such as 'he' or "she'; instead use 'they'."

You are quite correct. Didn't see the "he" in there.

Took me a while to spot it too in Tin's post

[Bormiar]

2b - "Proposals cannot reference the "real world" outside of NationStates. In particular, they must refer to nations as nations, not as the player behind them. This includes avoiding the use of personal pronouns such as 'he' or "she'; instead use 'they'."

You are quite correct. Didn't see the "he" in there.

Heh totally understandable Wayne. I too completely glossed over that when I read it, and was confused what the illegality was.

[Varanius]

Didn’t see that. Thanks Tin!

[Thousand Branches]

Recognizing that the nation of Bran Astor has been as a longtime contributor to both The West Pacific (TWP) as well as their own region of and their own region, The Sasquatch Republic (TSR),and haslargely constructeding the current culturale and foreign affairs infrastructure of both regions,

I'm not sure this really does a ton to highlight who Bran is? Afaik they're a pretty damn unique character but this just feels like a bit of a wash.

Applauding Bran Astor’stheir revival of the Regional Guides Program, and creation of “Today in the West”, the latter of which includedincreased Regional Message Board (RMB) activity by providing TWP’s RMB with daily updates on regional activities, holidays, and celebrations,; including Haikuesday and Thank You Thursday, both of which ultimately played an undeniable role in shaping TWP’s unique RMB culture;

Why mention the first thing if you're only going to go into detail about the second? Why put these two things together when they seemingly have very little relation to eachother? What is the theme of this clause?

Noting Bran Astor’s creation of TWP’s nation simulation program in 2017, (and subsequent revival in 2019), a program whichthey continues to maintain to this day by managing the program’s application process, continuously updating the initiative’s map, and encouraging participant engagement;

What is this? It taks about their management of it but not why it matters or more importantly, what it even is.

Astonished by Bran Astor’s other cultural contributions to TWP, and how the consistency in which they were done, along with the dedication they display, allowing these contributions to become integral to TWP’s culture, and includes:

Full rewrite:

"Astonished by the grand enrichment of TWP culture Bran Astor has cultivated, championing such programs as:"

I honestly don't know what was going on with that original clause but this cleans up a lot of the mess and adds a better, more IC explanation of culture.

TWPride Month, a yearly month long event in which the region celebrates the history of theirregion’s LGBTQ+ community, thereby offeringand offers support to the many LGBTQ+ citizens of the West,

The Casserole of Humanity, where nations have the option to support various teams and earn points for their team by actively engaging with the region and dressing up their nation,

This doesn't make any sense. What does this event do?? If you're not a TWP person, this is utterly meaningless and doesn't do a very good job of encapsulating what the cultural impact of the event is. I also hate the "promotes engagement" thing. Please find an actually IC way to spin that.

OcTWPerfest, a month long activity where participants can request pumpkin-themed art and participate in card contests, along with other captivating activities,

Captivating is a weird word to use there. Also this just feels so barebones?

Midwinter Shenanigans, a regional celebration involving events such as a Secret Santa, Reindeer Death Match, Ugly Sweater Week, and more, and

This feels more like what the rest of these clauses could maybe look like. Still a touch listy but the events have clear character and feel actually cultural as opposed to things that are obviously just engagement events.

The revival of The Western Post through the active recruitment of additional writers, which allowed The Western Post to flourish and prosper into one of the highest quality monthly publications in the multiverse, with consistent updates on regional events, comics, and satirical articles;

This frankly does not belong with culture at all. Running a newspaper is not culture, it's media and should have its own clause, especially since everything else in this list is an event. Also rewrite:

"Lauding their revival of The Western Post through the recruitment of additional writers, allowing The Western Post to flourish into one of the highest quality monthly papers in the multiverse, regularly publishing updates on regional events, satirical articles, and comics."

Impressed by the cultural expertise demonstrated by Bran Astor in their dedication to strengthening bonds between regions through festivals and celebrations of community developed largely or entirely by their hand, the encompassing creative direction and often single-handed visual design of events are typified by the prominent annual events of Burning Marsupial, a bohemian celebration of art and camaraderie featuring unique high-concept graphical visions, and Festival of the Perfections, the long-standing exposition event where states display their cultures through art, poetry, and literature;

I um... have absolutely no idea what is going on in this clause. It's long and unnecessarily confusing. If your actual focuses in this clause are Burning Marsupial and FotP, cut out all the fluff and simply talk about him running those two events. In a clause with this much to talk about as it is, all that blah blah can really be shortened down to focus on your actual objectives, especially since the entire proposal so far has already deemed the man good at culture.

Enthralled by Bran Astor’s establishment of the University of The West Pacific, along with his development of the apprenticeship system, their administration of the cultural segments of said university, and their later chancellorship of the institution they founded;

This is a very weird way to organize this. Does the apprenticeship system have anything to do with UTWP? What is a "cultural segment"? What even is UTWP? Why does it matter he was chancellor?

Admiring Bran Astor’s improvement of TWP’s foreign affairs, both solidifying historic bonds and setting new trends which became the norm in TWP foreign affairs through the development of treaties with;

Rewrite:

"Admiring Bran Astor's dedication to TWP's foreign affairs, solidifying bonds with allies old and new through treaties with:"

The Pacific, continuing the legacy of the Holy Principality of Saint Mark by leading the draft of a treaty that ultimately lead to an increase in cultural and World Assembly cooperation, solidifying the bond between these historically friendly regions, and

Rewrite:

"The Pacific, where they carried on the legacy of the Holy Principality of Saint Mark by drafting a treaty that would greatly enhance a long-time friendship and cooperation between the two regions"

Karma, with the treaty’s informal style starting a legacy of “casual” TWP treaties, a trend which promoted an emphasis on accessibility, and made foreign affairs more accessible to new nations and allowing these relationships to prosper into true friendships rather than merely strategic decisions;

Rewrite:

"Karma, where they championed an informal style of drafting treaties and started a legacy that would grow to promote emphasis on accessibility and true friendship in the foreign affairs sector of TWP, allowing new nations to get involved and new foreign relations to grow increasingly friendly."

Praising Bran Astor’s work through their satellite state Illahee in founding TSR, a vibrant community full of friendship and camaraderie and organizing regional activities such as:

I- rewrite:

"Praising Bran Astor's contributions to TSR through their satellite state Illahee, founding what has come to be a vibrant community of friendship and camaraderie; a feat that was only possible through Bran's organization of such activities as:"

TSR’s Country Fair, a festival where nations can enter activities such as a rodeo featuring themed poetic and artistic competitions,

Sorry what? I"m honestly not sure whether this is saying a rodeo themed competition or a rodeo where the events are poetic and artistic competition. Also this could definitely use some character, actually all of TSR can. A lot of these events have like that almost camp style and outdoorsy old timey vibes. You know what I mean, TSR has always been a very uniquely themed region and these clauses don't exemplify that in the best way.

TSR Curling, a sports competition where nations submit teams, design flags, and compete in regional sporting competition,

Same thing here, you just described what basically every sports competition ever is, not any of the significance of friggin curling as a regional sport.

TSR’s Friendship Tartan, where participating nations create their own patterned tartans for submission with a winner decided by an impartial judge from another universe, and

Why is the submission and judging the focus of this and not.. ya know... the event?

TSR’s Regional Quilt, an activity in which participating nations select from a variety of available patterns, with all selections ultimately combined to form a large quilt - signifying the unity and diversity of TSR;

That is a good explanation, I like that one.

Inspired by Bran Astor’s cultural expertise and innovative approach to foreign affairs alongside the degree of effort they have dedicated both in The West Pacific the region they themselves founded;

Rewrite:

"Truly inspired by Bran Astor's unique and innovative impact on regional culture and foreign affairs, a footprint that can be seen all throughout the lands of TWP and TSR;"

That's it. The information is generally good in this one, it's just sort of overpowered by some really vanilla descriptions of some really unique events and character contributions. Hope these help a little and have a great day,

-A

[Varanius]

Draft 4 is up! Thanks Ara for your suggestions!

[Fachumonn]

I think I can finally support this now... Nice job!

[Bormiar]

This is much better. I'd vote for.

The "Applauding" clause is a little wordy, but I think it can be followed.

The "Enthralled", "Noting", and "Lauding" clauses are definitely my favorite, which is particularly impressive because I thought they could be scrapped at first. I think you definitely benefited from talking about the accomplishments in a more opinionated tone— rather than just straight, boring facts.

Great job .

[Fachumonn]

Your link to Saint Mark is wrong.

[Varanius]

Your link to Saint Mark is wrong.

Fixed. Thanks!

[Varanius]

Bump! Changed “Friendship tartan” to “regional tartan”, so yes. Assuming we have no further comments or suggestions (which I am still open to) this will will be submitted in a week. Cheers!

[Tinhampton]

There should be a linebreak between the final two clauses.

ENTHRALLED still contains a Rule 2b violation. I'll leave it up to you to find it.

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

Enthralled by Bran Astor’s establishment of the University of The West Pacific, along with his development of the apprenticeship system

Here you go Vara.

[Maowi]

This is a really nicely written proposal and as someone who didn't know much about the nominee to begin with, it makes a very persuasive case for Commendation :)

Perhaps it's just me but I found the "enthralled" clause a little difficult to follow. If I haven't misunderstood the clause, I think it could be clearer with a grammatical re-shuffling such as this -

Enthralled by Bran Astor’s establishment of the University of The West Pacific, along with their development of the apprenticeship system which has guided the University’s applicants to becoming successful members of TWP, their administration of the cultural segments of said university, and later their chancellorship of the institution, all of which improved the quality of education provided;

The section on The Pacific in the "admiring" clause also took me a couple of reads to figure out and might be clarified by replacing "drafting a treaty that greatly enhanced" with "greatly enhancing".

In your clause on TSR, I think the bullet point about the Country Fair is incomplete - maybe "a festival where" needs to be "a festival including"?

[Varanius]

Thanks BBD! Though I got that one earlier. Fixed now!

This is a really nicely written proposal and as someone who didn't know much about the nominee to begin with, it makes a very persuasive case for Commendation

Perhaps it's just me but I found the "enthralled" clause a little difficult to follow. If I haven't misunderstood the clause, I think it could be clearer with a grammatical re-shuffling such as this -

Enthralled by Bran Astor’s establishment of the University of The West Pacific, along with their development of the apprenticeship system which has guided the University’s applicants to becoming successful members of TWP, their administration of the cultural segments of said university, and later their chancellorship of the institution, all of which improved the quality of education provided;

The section on The Pacific in the "admiring" clause also took me a couple of reads to figure out and might be clarified by replacing "drafting a treaty that greatly enhanced" with "greatly enhancing".

In your clause on TSR, I think the bullet point about the Country Fair is incomplete - maybe "a festival where" needs to be "a festival including"?

Incorporated into the newest draft. Thanks Maowi!

Week timer reset .

[Varanius]

Seeing no comments, this will be submitted in about 24 hours. Thanks everyone!

[Apatosaurus]

Most of this reads like a laundry list of festivals tbh. Also, quite rich and convenient for the same person who used BA as a comparison to argue that Libertanny wasn't Commendable to now be drafting this.

[Varanius]

Most of this reads like a laundry list of festivals tbh. Also, quite rich and convenient for the same person who used BA as a comparison to argue that Libertanny wasn't Commendable to now be drafting this.

Welcome back from retirement

[Apatosaurus]

Most of this reads like a laundry list of festivals tbh. Also, quite rich and convenient for the same person who used BA as a comparison to argue that Libertanny wasn't Commendable to now be drafting this.

Welcome back from retirement

Could you please address the point...?

[Fachumonn]

Most of this reads like a laundry list of festivals tbh. Also, quite rich and convenient for the same person who used BA as a comparison to argue that Libertanny wasn't Commendable to now be drafting this.

Welcome back from retirement

lol