[PASSED] Condemn A Bloodred Moon

[Fachumonn]

Thank you, and this has been submitted.

Full support for a decent draft and deserving target.

Have to agree with that.

[Comfed]

I eagerly await casting my vote in favour!

[Lenlyvit]

Looking a little slow on the approval front today, hopefully we'll reach the last four by major tonight.

[Wallenburg]

This is rather poorly written. I'm not impressed with the way this proposal carries itself. Of course, I wasn't likely to support a raider badge, but the bad writing made it a rather easy decision for me.

[Varanius]

This is rather poorly written. I'm not impressed with the way this proposal carries itself. Of course, I wasn't likely to support a raider badge, but the bad writing made it a rather easy decision for me.

Luckily, this proposal chances of passage seem unphased by your opinion. In fact, I think the percentage in favor has actually been raising. Wonder how that happened….

Oh, and nice job Lenly. Always happy to support a quality proposal .

[Lenlyvit]

This is rather poorly written. I'm not impressed with the way this proposal carries itself. Of course, I wasn't likely to support a raider badge, but the bad writing made it a rather easy decision for me.

Luckily, this proposal chances of passage seem unphased by your opinion. In fact, I think the percentage in favor has actually been raising. Wonder how that happened….

Oh, and nice job Lenly. Always happy to support a quality proposal .

Thanks Vara, I appreciate that.

This is rather poorly written. I'm not impressed with the way this proposal carries itself. Of course, I wasn't likely to support a raider badge, but the bad writing made it a rather easy decision for me.

I've actually been seeing this from a couple of people, but no explanation as to why they think it's poorly written. Can you expand on this Wally?

[Toonela]

Apologies in advance for any weird typos in this. I am not the best at doing lengthy feedback from mobile. I probably missed something.

Arguing that there is a nation in existence that the international community of World Assembly nations should condemn for its actions and that this nation, known as A Bloodred Moon, is truly despicable and heinous in its deeds throughout the multiverse;

Consider the placement of adjectives near the end of this portion of text. Are despicable and heinous meant to describe the deeds or the nation? Assuming the latter, we can provide clarity with any variety of changes. Here’s a very minimalist suggestion: “is truly despicable and heinous due to its deeds throughout the multiverse”.

Assuming the former, the adjectives despicable and heinous could likewise be moved: “World Assembly nations should condemn for its truly despicable and heinous actions”.

Noting that the main region of ill-repute A Bloodred Moon has chosen to lead has been the one known as Lone Wolves United,

A little wordy! Why not just: “has chosen to lead is Lone Wolves United”?

a region that has been condemned by this council once before, and that their leadership has resulted in the resurrection of this said region from virtual inactivity beyond the capability of any other leader within this region before them;

You can probably drop the “said” before region here. There’s enough context to make it obvious we’re referring to LWU. The phrasing in the second half is odd and seems like something akin to a run-on sentence. Here’s a suggested change that flows better: “from virtual inactivity, a feat beyond the capability of the region’s prior leadership;”

Listing A Bloodred Moon's accomplishments within Lone Wolves United to be many, including the following:

Listing . . . to be many? I don’t think this one is grammatically sound. Try: “Listing some of A Bloodred Moon’s many accomplishments within Lone Wolves United:”

Growing the raider military composition of Lone Wolves United from 5 to 6 active nations to somewhere between 40 and 50 nations within the last three year period, an explosive increase that has led to the revival of one of NationStates' most destructive raider forces ever seen.

“ever seen” is in a weird spot here! It probably isn’t necessary to even retain it, but assuming you mean to modify the raider forces, not the revival, here’s a way to keep it: “revival of one of the the most destructive raider forces ever witnessed by the multiverse.”

Creating a forum for regional national leaders to come together to discuss destructive attacks upon innocent regions, as well as to create a filing system for the regional records that were previously held in another place that was destroyed by the will of the gods.

“as well as to create”? That’s not quite right. Creating was established at the beginning of the clause, and it clearly occurred already, rather than is something that will happen in the future, so “as well as a filing system for the regional records” is all you need.

Hopefully these help! If I catch any more when sitting a computer later tonight, I will comment on them as well.

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

This is already at vote - you’re a bit late to provide feedback on the content.

[Toonela]

This is already at vote - you’re a bit late to provide feedback on the content.

Considering the author asked for my feedback off-site and this thread can still be posted in, I’ll politely disagree; even if they hadn’t, feedback such as the kind I provided is instructive for future writing, including in contexts that aren’t the World Assembly.

Rest assured that if I had the time to more frequently read every resolution in the drafting phase, I would, but I do not, so sometimes this is simply when I am able to try my best helping authors.

[Comfed]

I don't think any of the things you pint out actually lead to the resolution being poorly written - I think most of them are fine as they are, really. If that is all that people are seeing, I think the claims that this resolution is poorly written are pretty overblown.

[Toonela]

I don't think any of the things you pint out actually lead to the resolution being poorly written - I think most of them are fine as they are, really. If that is all that people are seeing, I think the claims that this resolution is poorly written are pretty overblown.

Well, we disagree on how fine they are, but to each their own standard, certainly. Mine is somewhere around “is this something I’d like to see one of the Composition I students I tutored last summer submit if they played NS” but I’m not much of a prescriptivist.

[Lenlyvit]

I asked Toonela for more feedback on why people think it's poorly written, and I would like to thank them for posting it. It's nice to see where I went wrong for future endeavors, and I may reach out to them for future proposals I write for feedback. I agree it's all pretty minor things that don't necessarily need to be fixed in order to make this viable, but I'll keep things like this in mind for the future.

[Toonela]

I asked Toonela for more feedback on why people think it's poorly written, and I would like to thank them for posting it. It's nice to see where I went wrong for future endeavors, and I may reach out to them for future proposals I wrote for feedback. I agree it's all pretty minor things that don't necessarily need to be fixed in order to make this viable, but I'll keep things like this in mind for the future.

Good to hear it was helpful! I’m always happy to pitch in when I can find the time. Best of luck with those future efforts.

[Wallenburg]

I've actually been seeing this from a couple of people, but no explanation as to why they think it's poorly written. Can you expand on this Wally?

For me, it's the unintentionally casual and clunky style. It reads like a freshman high schooler's essay. Toonela gives a good introduction to the contributing problems.

[Andusre]

Very happy to see this pass - congratulations to Jo and Lenly!

[Tinhampton]

Condemn A Bloodred Moon was passed 12,027 votes to 2,604. (82.20% support)

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

A well written and well deserved Condemnation - congratulations all.

[Fachumonn]

Congrats!