NationStates

The Security Council,

Appreciating that since their foundation in 2013, The Church of Satan (CoS) has continually presented themselves as a respectable and cultured nation - a light in the darkness of stagnancy,

Hearkening back to CoS’ humble arrival in The Rejected Realms (TRR) following their banishment from 10000 Islands for their hellish and admittedly less-than-savory pseudonym, where they quickly got involved in the community, both as a participant and nurturer, two roles they continue to hold to this day,

Pinpointing the early interest CoS held in The Rejected Times (TRT), which led to them holding a prominent role in international journalism in the years to come, and following their many accomplishments during their time in TRT, both as a member and as a leader, which includes (but is not limited to):

• Their creation of its official radio station, Rejected Radio, where they provided an avenue for struggling independent musicians to promote their work and interviewed notable figures on regional and international happenings,
• Serving in an unelected position as Editor-In-Chief while the elected Media Officer has been vacant, in order to ensure that publications went forth in a timely and efficient manner, in which they oversaw the writing, revision, and public release of hundreds of articles, and
• Raising awareness about epilepsy, a neurological disorder known to cause seizures, memory loss, and death, via TRT and its outlets annually,

Applauding the lengths to which CoS went to in order to continue to serve TRR, beyond their capacity as a media entrepreneur, the most prominent of which include:

• World Assembly Delegate between March 5 and December 19 2017, a time where they served as the face of the region and its foremost representative, during which they negotiated a recruitment deal with all five feeders, and organized interregional events including the Celestial Unicorn Lampshade Festival (CULT), which strengthened TRR’s relationship with The South Pacific and Lazarus,
  
• Officer for a total of nine times under various portfolios, in which they continued their role in releasing TRT issues, organized TRR’s booth for the NationStates World Fair on multiple occasions, spearheaded recruitment efforts which bolstered TRR’s numbers, bringing the region to new heights, led Rejectmas and other holiday celebrations, and introduced adventurous events like “Life of a Wizard” and “NOLA is Burning” to the region, and,
• Speaker of the Assembly and Vice-Delegate, in which they presided over discussions and votes pertaining to the citizenry and held a high number of endorsements in order to secure the region against invasion respectively,

Celebrating CoS’ longtime dedication to Lazarus across multiple governments, where they:

• Upheld regional canon, oversaw trials and hearings without bias, in addition to preserving the judiciary (albeit unsuccessfully under the Celestial Union due to a tumultuous Civil War) Judicial District Governor under the People’s Republic of Lazarus (PRL) and later as Holy Prelate under the Celestial Union of Lazarus,
  
• Helped maintain Lazarene sovereignty and secured the region against internal threats as Chief of Police under the PRL and as Grandee Secretary (then-equivalent of Vice-Delegate) under the Humane Republic of Lazarus (HRL), and
  
• Curated lighthearted activities including games in their position as Cultural District Governor (PRL) in order to egg on citizen participation in the region,

Praising the impish nation’s cultural contributions to Wintreath as its Thane of Foreign Affairs, where they drummed up countless puzzles, releasing them to Wintreath’s partners in order to spark activity and provoke regional interest as well as thought,

Hailing CoS' commitment to Renegade Islands Alliance (RIA) as a forerunner in the field of education, as made clear through their longstanding membership of the House of Sauropods in which they:

• Represented their house in the region’s Senate, serving on the Commerce Committee, which allowed them to opt to push for reforms surrounding education and the general instruction of RIA residents,
  
• Led the House of Sauropods as Rex and Princeratops, which they used to set their house’s agenda and further the education of all residents,
  
• Served as a mentor and tutored RIA citizens in religious studies, poetry, psychology, chemistry, radio/media, and algebra, and,
  
• Held elected office as a Minister of Internal and Foreign Affairs, in which they developed the region’s cultural identity and represented it abroad,

Accentuating CoS’ contributions as an early member of The Rejected Realms Historical Society, which included assisting in the maintenance of TRR’s Library of Spurned Knowledge, editing biographies of notable Rejects, and helping uncover material surrounding the various Atlantic invasions of TRR, and

Believing that, much like the other humble nations who have sponsored the arts and allowed for great cultural works to be brought upon the world, CoS has earned themselves a spot among the greats and should thus be recognized for their achievements,


Hereby commends The Church of Satan.

Just a reworked version of my draft from 2018. I’m aware it’s a little list-ish in parts and could use more content but I thought I’d create an official thread for this. Critique it please.

Clorinda wrote:Hearkening back to CoS’ humble arrival in The Rejected Realms (TRR) following their banishment from 10000 Islands for their hellish and admittedly less-than-savory pseudonym, where they quickly got involved in the community, both as a participant and nurturer, two roles they have continued to hold to this day,

I think this is fluffy and not really necessary, to be honest. Either cut this or use something less verbose, like this:

Hearkening back to CoS' humble arrival in [region=the Rejected Realms] (TRR) following their banishment from [region=10000 Islands], where they have since become an important pillar of the community as a participant and nurturer,

Clorinda wrote:Pinpointing the early interest CoS held in The Rejected Times (TRT)

Don't like this wording, try something like "Extolling CoS' initial work in The Rejected Times (TRT)" or smth.

Clorinda wrote:Speaker of the Assembly and Vice-Delegate.

Anything they did in this position?

Clorinda wrote:Lauding CoS’ dedication to holding of public office across three governments of Lazarus: serving under the People's Republic of Lazarus as Chief of Police, Judicial District Governor, and Cultural District Governor; under the (Humane) Republic of Lazarus as Minister of Foreign Affairs and Grandee Secretary (Vice-Delegate); and under the Celestial Union of Lazarus as Holy Prelate (Head of the Judiciary),

Boring position listing. Add more detail as to what they did, or cut some filler by just keeping the most important ones and elaborating on them.

Clorinda wrote:Hailing CoS' commitment to Renegade Islands Alliance, which allowed them to contribute in a more creative way, holding titles such as Senator of the House of Sauropods, Rex of the House of Sauropods, Princeratops of the House of Sauropods, Member of the Commerce Committee, Mentor, Internal Affairs Officer, and Foreign Affairs Officer,

What did they do in this position?

Decent start. I for one would cut out some fluff and go into detail about their more important achievements (based on your judgement). BTW, how many characters (including BBCode) is your draft?

Outer Sparta wrote:Decent start. I for one would cut out some fluff and go into detail about their more important achievements (based on your judgement). BTW, how many characters (including BBCode) is your draft?

Put it through Word, I have it at ~4,057.

Hulldom wrote:

Outer Sparta wrote:Decent start. I for one would cut out some fluff and go into detail about their more important achievements (based on your judgement). BTW, how many characters (including BBCode) is your draft?

Put it through Word, I have it at ~4,057.

That gives the author some space to work with if they choose to add more substance to it. Church of Satan can be argued that they are commendable, so I do see a potential path.

Outer Sparta wrote:

Hulldom wrote:Put it through Word, I have it at ~4,057.

That gives the author some space to work with if they choose to add more substance to it. Church of Satan can be argued that they are commendable, so I do see a potential path.

In the five years that I’ve known CoS I definitely can say he’s commendable. I just need to organize my thoughts.

Clorinda wrote:

Outer Sparta wrote:That gives the author some space to work with if they choose to add more substance to it. Church of Satan can be argued that they are commendable, so I do see a potential path.

In the five years that I’ve known CoS I definitely can say he’s commendable. I just need to organize my thoughts.

I won't make any judgement for now on supporting or opposing, but I do believe CoS is arguably commendable and making your case well will help that cause.

Overall, solid draft!

I think your first main issue is you're not explaining why this stuff matters. It's true the reader can reasonably assume why this stuff does matter, but nonetheless it's always best to state the impacts of an action as it improves how emotive a clause can be. Some good examples of this are that part of CoS's officership clause where you explain how their recruitment efforts boosted TRR's numbers, or why their work as Wintreath's Thane helped provoke regional thought.

Second thing is you're position listing after the TRR stuff. This doesn't show anything beyond CoS serving in various positions though; for all we know, CoS could be someone who just sits in positions outside TRR. You need to elaborate on what CoS did in those positions and why they really matter. You may not have room to focus more than a handful of positions, but that will convey how awesome CoS is more than listing all their notable positions.

Clorinda wrote:Hearkening back to CoS’ humble arrival in The Rejected Realms (TRR) following their banishment from 10000 Islands for their hellish and admittedly less-than-savory pseudonym, where they quickly got involved in TRR's thecommunity, both as both a participant and nurturer, two roles they have continued tohold to this day,

Stylistic quibbles, but think this makes it read a bit better.

Otherwise I disagree with Apato, and I'd say keep it. Helps explain how CoS ended up in TRR well.

Pinpointing the early interest CoS held in The Rejected Times (TRT), which led to them holding a prominent role in international journalism in the years to come, and following their many accomplishments during their time in TRT, both as a member and as a leader, which includes (but is not limited to):

I think this needs a reword. Too many commas makes it read a bit choppy - may be because you're mentioning a lot of concepts here. Could be worth to cut something out and focus on the rest. In other words, make it flow better.

• the creation of TRT'sitsofficial radio station, Rejected Radio, where they provided an avenue for struggling independent musicians to promote their work and interviewed notable figures on regional and international happenings,

Just to avoid confusion.

serving in an unelected position as Editor-In-Chief while the elected Media Officer has been vacant, in order to ensure that publications went forth in a timely and efficient manner, in which they oversaw the writing, revision, and public release of hundreds of articles, and

This reads a bit weird to me. From my understanding, Editor in Chief became a thing after Media was left alone for a new Officer portfolio to take its spot.

Not saying this isn't commendable - TRT's professionalism in this regard is highly epic, but this clause reads like CoS was serving in a temporary "holding the organization together" position, whereas from my understanding they just took on a normal leadership role that became the norm when the Media Officer portfolio fell into disuse. Not sure if I'm getting my point here, I can clarify >.<

raising awareness about epilepsy, a neurological disorder known to cause seizures, memory loss, and death, via TRT and its outlets annually,

Would explicitly state smth on how CoS's articles have helped the world become more knowledgeable about elipsey - I feel stating the impact directly would make this clause a bit stronger.

• World Assembly Delegate between March 5 and December 19 2017, a time where they served as the face of the region and its foremost representative, during which they negotiated a recruitment deal with all five feeders, and organized interregional events including the Celestial Unicorn Lampshade Festival (CULT), which strengthened TRR’s relationship with The South Pacific and Lazarus,

I would state why the recruitment agreement mattered and what followed next - did TRR begin recruiting right afterwards (and if so, was there a notable effect in TRR activity)? Did it help TRR recruit down the road, if not during CoS's Delegacy? Etc.

Officer for a total of nine times under various portfolios, in which they continued their role in releasing TRT issues, organized TRR’s booth for the NationStates World Fair on multiple occasions, spearheaded recruitment efforts which bolstered TRR’s numbers, (bringing the region to new heights), led Rejectmas and other holiday celebrations, and established adventurous events like “Life of a Wizard” and “NOLA is Burning”, and,

You need to elaborate more on CoS's officership. Like how you stated the impact/reason why CoS's recruitment matters - do that for everything else here.

I suggest considering splitting this off into its own list clause, I think that will help you do that.

Speaker of the Assembly and Vice-Delegate.

Did CoS do anything notable in these positions? If so, state those actions and their impacts. If not, remove this clause.

Lauding CoS’ dedication to holding of public office across three governments of Lazarus: serving under the People's Republic of Lazarus as Chief of Police, Judicial District Governor, and Cultural District Governor; under the (Humane) Republic of Lazarus as Minister of Foreign Affairs and Grandee Secretary (Vice-Delegate); and under the Celestial Union of Lazarus as Holy Prelate (Head of the Judiciary),

What did CoS do in these roles? The dedication is admirable, but for all we know CoS just held the title and did nothing. You have to elaborate like you did for CoS's TRR stuff. You may have to focus on one or two positions, rather than listing them all - but that's better for the commend, at least IMO.

Hailing CoS' commitment to Renegade Islands Alliance, which allowed them to contribute in a more creative way, holding titles such as Senator of the House of Sauropods, Rex of the House of Sauropods, Princeratops of the House of Sauropods, Member of the Commerce Committee, Mentor, Internal Affairs Officer, and Foreign Affairs Officer,

Same thing as Laz stuff - why does this matter? What did CoS do in these roles? May also have to cut some stuff here.

Accentuating CoS’ contributions as an early member of The Rejected Realms Historical Society, which included assisting in the maintenance of TRR’s Library of Spurned Knowledge, editing biographies of notable Rejects, and helping uncover material surrounding the various Atlantic invasions of TRR, and

First question is the impact - why does any of this truly matter? Secondly, I suggest placing this under all the over TRR stuff.

Believing that, much like the other humble nations who have sponsored the arts and allowed for great cultural works to be brought upon the world, CoS has earned themselves a spot among the greats and should thus be recognized for their achievements,

I think this is good, but I don't think it relates well to your first clause - I think you should change your first clause to better reflect the concepts you're stating here.

The Security Council,

Appreciating that since their foundation in 2013, The Church of Satan (CoS) has continually presented themselves as a respectable and cultured nation - a light in the darkness of stagnancy,

Hearkening back to CoS’ humble arrival in The Rejected Realms (TRR) following their banishment from 10000 Islands for their hellish and admittedly less-than-savory pseudonym, where they quickly got involved in the community, both as a participant and nurturer, two roles they continue to hold to this day,

Pinpointing the early interest CoS held in The Rejected Times (TRT), which led to them holding a prominent role in international journalism in the years to come, and following their many accomplishments during their time in TRT, both as a member and as a leader, which includes (but is not limited to):

• the creation of its official radio station, Rejected Radio, where they provided an avenue for struggling independent musicians to promote their work and interviewed notable figures on regional and international happenings,
• serving in an unelected position as Editor-In-Chief while the elected Media Officer has been vacant, in order to ensure that publications went forth in a timely and efficient manner, in which they oversaw the writing, revision, and public release of hundreds of articles, and
• raising awareness about epilepsy, a neurological disorder known to cause seizures, memory loss, and death, via TRT and its outlets annually,

Applauding the lengths to which CoS went to in order to continue to serve TRR, beyond their capacity as a media entrepreneur, the most prominent of which include:

• World Assembly Delegate between March 5 and December 19 2017, a time where they served as the face of the region and its foremost representative, during which they negotiated a recruitment deal with all five feeders, and organized interregional events including the Celestial Unicorn Lampshade Festival (CULT), which strengthened TRR’s relationship with The South Pacific and Lazarus,
  
• Officer for a total of nine times under various portfolios, in which they continued their role in releasing TRT issues, organized TRR’s booth for the NationStates World Fair on multiple occasions, spearheaded recruitment efforts which bolstered TRR’s numbers, bringing the region to new heights, led Rejectmas and other holiday celebrations, and introduced adventurous events like “Life of a Wizard” and “NOLA is Burning” to the region, and,
• Speaker of the Assembly and Vice-Delegate, in which they presided over discussions and votes pertaining to the citizenry and held a high number of endorsements in order to secure the region against invasion respectively,

Celebrating CoS’ longtime dedication to Lazarus across multiple governments, where they:

• Upheld regional canon, oversaw trials and hearings without bias, in addition to preserving the judiciary (albeit unsuccessfully under the Celestial Union due to a tumultuous Civil War) Judicial District Governor under the People’s Republic of Lazarus (PRL) and later as Holy Prelate under the Celestial Union of Lazarus,
  
• Helped maintain Lazarene sovereignty and secured the region against internal threats as Chief of Police under the PRL and as Grandee Secretary (then-equivalent of Vice-Delegate) under the Humane Republic of Lazarus (HRL), and
  
• Curated lighthearted activities including games in their position as Cultural District Governor (PRL) in order to egg on citizen participation in the region,

Praising the impish nation’s cultural contributions to Wintreath as its Thane of Foreign Affairs, where they drummed up countless puzzles, releasing them to Wintreath’s partners in order to spark activity and provoke regional interest as well as thought,

Hailing CoS' commitment to Renegade Islands Alliance (RIA) as a forerunner in the field of education, as made clear through their longstanding membership of the House of Sauropods in which they:

• Represented their house in the region’s Senate, serving on the Commerce Committee, which allowed them to opt to push for reforms surrounding education and the general instruction of RIA residents,
  
• Led the House of Sauropods as Rex and Princeratops, which they used to set their house’s agenda and further the education of all residents,
  
• Served as a mentor and tutored RIA citizens in religious studies, poetry, psychology, chemistry, radio/media, and algebra, and,
  
• Being elected to the posts of Internal and Foreign Affairs, in which they developed the region’s cultural identity and represented it abroad,

Accentuating CoS’ contributions as an early member of The Rejected Realms Historical Society, which included assisting in the maintenance of TRR’s Library of Spurned Knowledge, editing biographies of notable Rejects, and helping uncover material surrounding the various Atlantic invasions of TRR, and

Believing that, much like the other humble nations who have sponsored the arts and allowed for great cultural works to be brought upon the world, CoS has earned themselves a spot among the greats and should thus be recognized for their achievements,


Hereby commends The Church of Satan.

Bonk. Comments, questions, and concerns please.

May you update the Op with this draft?
Also very listy.

Fachumonn wrote:May you update the Op with this draft?
Also very listy.

OP updated, and my bad, I feel like I’m running in circles, I think I was better at writing SC stuff years ago.

Clorinda wrote:Hailing CoS' commitment to Renegade Islands Alliance (RIA) as a forerunner in the field of education, as made clear through their longstanding membership of the House of Sauropods in which they ... Being elected to the posts of Internal and Foreign Affairs, in which they developed the region’s cultural identity and represented it abroad,

You've got a grammatical error here.

Clorinda wrote:

Fachumonn wrote:May you update the Op with this draft?
Also very listy.

OP updated, and my bad, I feel like I’m running in circles, I think I was better at writing SC stuff years ago.

Just take your time. As you know it’s a marathon not a sprint.

One formatting inconsistency I noticed - you start one list of bullet points without capital letters, the rest with. I’ll try and review more of the content later.

Edited. Fixed that grammatical error and capitalized the start of every bullet.

Not sure about this.

For starters, I'll bet that Marilyn Manson Freaks (and potentially Unibot) played a major part in this, but there's no mention of it.

In my experience, GP / region-building commendations/condemnations have a few really major things (like founding a region) compounded with supplementing info (like leading a semi-large invasion or serving as a minister in some region) that reinforces the nominee's longstandingness and consistent contributions to NS. This draft is entirely made up of the latter.

Therefore, your major points must hold up against the truly special contributions often required for commendation. Rejected Radio didn't really work out. WA delegate of TRR is impressive and I hear it's rather hard work, but TRR is not marked by it's strong* executive or bureaucracy. I've also heard that his term was rather moderately inactive, though my memory is fuzzy (especially considering I wasn't too involved in that time anyways).

Overall: potential candidate; banal draft.

* In terms of power, not competence. TRR's leaders are competent. I mean to say that the gov is structured to give power to the people / legislature.

Twertis wrote:For starters, I'll bet that Marilyn Manson Freaks played a major part in this, but there's no mention of it.

That'd be because Clorinda and MM are the same person.

Twertis wrote:Not sure about this.

For starters, I'll bet that Marilyn Manson Freaks (and potentially Unibot) played a major part in this, but there's no mention of it.

In my experience, GP / region-building commendations/condemnations have a few really major things (like founding a region) compounded with supplementing info (like leading a semi-large invasion or serving as a minister in some region) that reinforces the nominee's longstandingness and consistent contributions to NS. This draft is entirely made up of the latter.

Therefore, your major points must hold up against the truly special contributions often required for commendation. Rejected Radio didn't really work out. WA delegate of TRR is impressive and I hear it's rather hard work, but TRR is not marked by it's strong* executive or bureaucracy. I've also heard that his term was rather moderately inactive, though my memory is fuzzy (especially considering I wasn't too involved in that time anyways).

Overall: potential candidate; banal draft.

* In terms of power, not competence. TRR's leaders are competent. I mean to say that the gov is structured to give power to the people / legislature.

Welcome back, of course you used the nation I suggested you make to post this, grrr! And to your point about his term being inactive at times, that’s why there is little mention of that and a stronger emphasis on his TRT accomplishments and his achievements as an Officer.