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[DRAFT] Commend Mount Seymour

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Hulldom
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[DRAFT] Commend Mount Seymour

Postby Hulldom » Wed Nov 10, 2021 10:11 am

I'm aware this has been attempted twice. There's certainly not a dearth of things to commend Somy for. After all, I'm leaving out a bit due to the character constraint (it's close, I don't have a guesstimate). Here's hoping this attempt is successful!

My many thanks go out to: Verdant Haven for really jumping on board and helping me with Forest, The Noble Thatcherites for their assistance with lots and lots of stuff, especially relating to Somy's service in Lazarus, Amerion and Erinor for their help in providing details regarding his service in TSP, and Valentine Z and Heaveria for their help with his work in FNR. And of course to Giovanniland, Andusre, Heaveria, Honeydewistania, and the nominee himself with refining the writing.

Now, for what you're here for...
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Commend Mount Seymour

Commendation | Nominee: Mount Seymour

The Security Council,

Believing that resolute servant leadership is a a hallmark of tremendous dedication to the improvement of international communities and that Mount Seymour is one of only a few nations that have dedicated a tremendous amount of time and work towards that leadership;

Ascertaining that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to defending through innovation as exemplified through their creation of Solidarity, an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions such as their assistance of Asiana and Coalition of Sovereign Nations;

Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which they mentored The Free Nations Region in the drafting of their second Constitution and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, training the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside there;

Admiring their service to Lazarus through their satellite nation, Aumelodia, which provided political leadership to that community during the Celestial Union Government through their service as Celestial Being, or head of state, of that Government, their revival of the Lazarene Celestial Armada which doubled the active force of that army, and their resistance to the coup of Funkadelia after that nation overthrew the Celestial Union and inaugurated the Lazarene Khanate;

Acclaiming Mount Seymour’s rich and varied work in Forest, a region commended by [resolution=SC#219]SC #219[/resolution], where they:
  • Led the nations of that august region as Forest Keeper, a role wherein they improved the standing of the region on the world stage by fostering relationships with diverse regions like The South Pacific and The Rejected Realms, relationships that brought the region out of isolation and to wider prominence throughout the multiverse,
  • Assisted in preserving the stability of Forest after its founder, Errinundera, ceased to exist, being the maintainer of key pillars of the regional community such as Forest’s Constitution and regional communications platforms, and
  • Organized and participated in the Forest Photo Contest, an event which has attracted dozens of submissions from photographers across the multiverse in a celebration of the natural world over its last four editions;
Applauding their contributions to The South Pacific via their satellite nation Aumeltopia, where they:
  • Created the South Pacific Special Forces Reserve (now known as The Tidal Force) during their 2018 tenure as Minister of Military Affairs, a fighting body notable for its ability to attract and train nations with little military experience and include them in the efforts of regular forces, and
  • Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, created the new Office of World Assembly Legislation (OWL), and fostered a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government;
Lauding Mount Seymour’s work in the field of graphic design and regional artwork through the creation of the regional flags of Forest and The Union of Democratic States and their contributions to the current graphics packages of both the South Pacific and the interregional newswire NationStates Today;

Extolling their often overlooked work within the World Assembly, authoring the following resolutions:
  • [resolution=SC#212]Repeal: “Liberate Kingdom of Ireland”[/resolution], an effort to fully restore to native control a region which had fallen to the raider menace and was subsequently liberated, and
  • [resolution=SC#307]Condemn Auphelia[/resolution], an effort to condemn a nation charged with commandeering diplomatic channels for grossly improper purposes, disrespecting many thousands of nations across the multiverse, and perpetrating a myriad of human rights abuses, including torture, on its own citizens;
Hailing Mount Seymour’s foresight in bringing awareness to the issue of illegal logging by national timber woodchipping industries, sharing Dossier #640: “A Clear-Cut Conundrum” with the multiverse; and

Aspiring then to climb the proverbial mountain that this truly awe-inspiring nation has built by emulating their example of servant leadership,

Hereby Commends Mount Seymour.
Last edited by Hulldom on Fri Nov 26, 2021 10:59 am, edited 21 times in total.
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All Wild Things
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Postby All Wild Things » Wed Nov 10, 2021 10:43 am

Good candidate!

"Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which he mentored The Free Nations Region"

"Lead the nations of that august region as Forest Keeper, "

Led?

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Bhang Bhang Duc
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Wed Nov 10, 2021 10:49 am

I spy with my little eye an R2(b) illegality.

Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which he mentored The Free Nations Region in the drafting of their first Constitution and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, providing an example to the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside in that region, such as Heaveria;


Edit: what do you mean by “servant leadership”, a phrase you’ve used at least twice that I’ve seen?
Last edited by Bhang Bhang Duc on Wed Nov 10, 2021 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Varanius » Wed Nov 10, 2021 10:58 am

I had no idea who this was until I read the TSP clause. And even then…
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Tinhampton
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Postby Tinhampton » Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:26 am

Somyrion is the most Commendable raccoon I know. Unfortunately, this draft only just about shows it - and "just about" is not a good enough standard. I will once again be using my world-famous blue pen to demonstrate:
Hulldom wrote:The Security Council,

Noting that resolute servant leadership is a hallmark of incredible character and shows tremendous dedication on the part of a nation,

Believing that few nations ever engage in that most noble act and that one such nation which has is Mount Seymour and its various satellite nations So Somyrion and his puppets all count as one nation? :P I suspect that these first two clauses might need a bit of merging too,

Appreciating that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to the valiant defender cause through their creation of Solidarity, an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions, such as their assistance with the rebuilding of Jahkku; I was first getting to grips with NS around the time that Solidarity was making waves but I'm struggling to think of anything (else) they actually did at the time

Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which he (what BBD said) mentored The Free Nations Region in the drafting of their first Constitution What help did Somy provide FNR with "their first Constitution?" The first draft of the Constitution of April 18th 2016, for instance, certainly does not look like the kind of document that has Somyrion's fingerprints all over it. and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, providing an example to the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside in that region, such as Heaveria Okay, so Somy served as Chief Justice for two months. What actions did he take in the post, and why were those actions so influential upon Heaveria and company? The only case I can find involvement from him in is the one where he ruled that Asian Sikh Republic ought to be banned from holding office for three months - and while I understand that Heav said that "I hope I will soon be able to act as one of your FNR judges!" in March 2017, he barely made a mark on FNR until running for its Presidency in the summer of 2020;

Admiring their service to Lazarus through their satellite nation Aumelodia, which provided political leadership to that community during their tenures as Convenor, head of the Lazarene Legislature, and Celestial Being, head of Government, during the Celestial Union Government of 2017 Actions, not positions, are commendable. I understand you're short on characters, but what acts did Somyrion take in those posts before the declaration of the Khanate (you have a clause about his post-Khanate, resistance work already)?;

Believing that resolute servant leadership also extends to efforts to combat those who do not engage in it and that Aumelodia’s resistance of the coup perpetrated on Lazarus by Funkadelia How? We know that then-Celestial Being Aumelodia signed a petition declaring that he "refused to grant assent to the confirmation of Killer Kitty as Prelate" and was entitled under CU law to do so, that all of Killer Kitty's acts as Prelate were invalid, and further that "the Sovereign and the Archbishop of the Interior are complicit in... Electoral Fraud." The resistance also voted to recall KK, Sovereign Funkadelia, and Archbishop of the Interior Lamb. Yet, apart from that and garnering a slew of support from regions such as TSP and TRR, I can hardly think of anything that the resistance - or Aumelodia (in his role as Celestial Being for the first half of its being) - actually did between July '17 and May '18. What, and why (was it so important/did it demonstrate "servant leadership" on Somy's behalf - delete as appropriate)?, while unsuccessful in restoring the Celestial Union government, provided resistance to the illegitimate Lazarene Khanate The Security Council has not been in a position to declare the Khanate "illegitimate" for four years. So if the Khanate was "illegitimate" and the "Celestial Union government" did not return to power during the Khanate's rule - despite its claims that it was legitimate from the Khanate's takeover until Imki declared anarchy - then who was in charge of Lazarus for all that time?;

Acclaiming Mount Seymour’s rich and varied work and leadership in Forest, a region commended by [resolution=SC#219]SC #219[/resolution], where they:
  • Lead the nations of that august region as Forest Keeper, a role wherein they improved the standing of the region on the world stage by fostering relationships with diverse regions like The South Pacific and The Rejected Realms, relationships which brought the region out of isolation and to wider prominence in the multiverse I'll accept that Somy was Forest Keeper at the time that,
  • Assisted in preserving the stability of Forest after its founder, Errinundera, ceased to exist, being the maintainer of key pillars of the regional community such as Forest’s Constitution and regional communications platforms [color=#06F]I'll accept that Somyrion currently maintains the official on-site Constitution of Forest. I'm a bit iffy on your other claim, though - if (say) he became the owner of Forest's Discord server, then that's all well and good, but I'd be much more sceptical if you were instead focusing on his RMB moderation efforts (in which case where were all of the other willing and appointed Forestians?), and
  • Organized and participated in the Forest Photo Contest, an event which has attracted dozens of submissions from photographers across the multiverse in a celebration of the natural world over its last four editions;
Applauding their work in The South Pacific, via their satellite nation Aumeltopia, where they:
  • Created the South Pacific Special Forces Reserve Is this the institution now known as the Tidal Force? And if so, why not call it that? during their 2018 tenure as Minister of Military Affairs, a fighting body notable for its ability to attract and train those nations with little military experience and include them in the efforts of regular forces Also known as a piler force. How and why is establishing a piler force - even for a Feeder military - Commendable?, and
  • Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, created and oversaw the first regular World Assembly Affairs office of the South Pacific, and fostered a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government I get that Endo Days and OWL were good innovations by Somy, but what does the "culture of regular communication..." that he introduced entail and why does it deserve mention in this Commendation?;
Lauding Mount Seymour’s work in the field of graphic design and regional artwork through their creation of the regional standards of Forest and The Union of Democratic States and their contributions to the current graphics packages of both the South Pacific and the interregional newswire NationStates Today; This is a good clause, and so is the one after it. I'd recommend another line break between them for consistency purposes tho :P
Extolling their work within the World Assembly which has proven impactful through their passed resolutions:
  • [resolution=SC#212]Repeal: “Liberate Kingdom of Ireland”[/resolution], authored by Mount Seymour, an effort to fully restore to native control a region which had fallen to the raider menace and was subsequently liberated, and
  • [resolution=SC#307]Condemn Auphelia[/resolution], authored by Aumeltopia, an effort to condemn a nation charged with commandeering diplomatic channels for grossly improper purposes, disrespecting many thousands of nations across the multiverse, and perpetrating a myriad of human rights abuses, including torture, on its own citizens;
Hailing Mount Seymour’s foresight in bringing awareness to the issue of illegal logging by national timber woodchipping industries, as Mount Seymour did by sharing Dossier #640: “A Clear-Cut Conundrum” with the multiverse; and

Aspiring then to climb the proverbial mountain that this truly awe-inspiring nation has by emulating their example of servant leadership Is the World Assembly trying to imply that it hasn't done as much or as good as Somyrion? He's a great bloke - he really is - but I'm not entirely sure he's that spectacular! :P,

Hereby Commends Mount Seymour.
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Hulldom
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Postby Hulldom » Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:33 am

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:I spy with my little eye an R2(b) illegality.

Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which he mentored The Free Nations Region in the drafting of their first Constitution and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, providing an example to the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside in that region, such as Heaveria;


Edit: what do you mean by “servant leadership”, a phrase you’ve used at least twice that I’ve seen?

Thanks for that. I thought “I must have used that somewhere” and got paranoid. Will fix though.

By servant leadership I mean “someone who leads by serving” or put another way “someone who finds a way to be a leader by providing support and doing the stuff that isn’t necessarily the most ‘in your face’ obvious things.”

I’ll address Tin’s stuff later, there are a couple of things which may be of merit there.

As for Vara:
Varanius wrote:I had no idea who this was until I read the TSP clause. And even then…

I don’t think this was something that multiple people would have attempted without the veneer of them being known. I can’t say I knew them as a real name or force until I got more invested into Forest (though I can’t say to this day that I’m really all that invested, a shame really since I quite like it there). Anyways, the less obvious answers are not always commendable but I think the overwhelming breadth of evidence there suggests that Somy is.
Last edited by Hulldom on Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Apatosaurus » Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:26 pm

Smh doing the cursed proposal. Full support.
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Postby Zukchiva » Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:34 pm

Solid resolution as expected uwu. The focus on leadership is a pretty interesting touch.

That being said, I mostly agree with Tin's feedback. There are a lot of areas that can be specified.
Last edited by Zukchiva on Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hulldom
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Postby Hulldom » Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:21 pm

Re: Tin because I don't feel like snipping it.

I'll start with the FNR. Characters were the main reason I didn't have the Asian Sikh Republic thing though an earlier draft had it. When I asked a couple of FNR folks to look this over, they weren't particularly keen on having it included so I didn't (which is just as well). His authorship, or at least good help, with the first Constitution is attested to by multiple people in FNR in public channels, including in snippets of convos given to me by Val Z. What Heav specifically pointed out to me that was that Somy "taught" them when they first became a Justice (Heav being Somy's successor).

I agree with your comments about Lazarus and elaborating on it, I'll poke Somy for details there. However, I disagree with the notion that it's not notable he led the resistance to the Khanate, even if it wasn't successful, it shows dedication. More to the point of whether we can take a stance--it's been three whole years, if not now, when!

(I've elaborated somewhat on this from what Somy told me, just trying to get confirmation on something!)

The "assistance with regional communications platforms" is a fancy way of getting around the rule where you can't say "forums" or "Discord", Mount Seymour maintains at least the latter for Forest. A quick search of their Discord server suggests that MS may be the root administrator of that, I can talk to Verdant Haven and others to confirm that, but given that the only two admins I can find are him and Ruin, I can't really see someone owning it. (I think he is at this point given the other person who appears in the earliest posting in their introductions channel has since deleted their Discord account, but hey, just a hunch!)

Re: TSP, I'll address both points:
1. Is it not an innovation which changed things for TSP and bolstered its military strength? All of the evidence I've gotten suggests that it did, at least marginally, and that it helped foster their change from Defender-leaning Indy to full on Defender.
2. To quote Erinor "He raised the bar for what we expect from Delegates." TSP's Delegacy, as it was explained to me, is more a figurehead and regional security-person than a real role with any power. It's in the same category as the Gameside Advocates in Commend Pallaith, increasing a Government's presence game side, especially if it bolsters a community is, in my opinion, commendable.

The two clauses stuck together was a typographical error that had to do with the formatting from Google Docs. It acts up.

Lastly, the whole "climbing up the proverbial mountain" thing is a play on Mount Seymour. I think it's a poignant bit of humor.
Last edited by Hulldom on Wed Nov 10, 2021 3:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Postby Thousand Branches » Thu Nov 11, 2021 9:00 am

Okay edits edits edits (there’s a good few of them sorry).

Hulldom wrote:Noting that resolute servant leadership is a hallmark of incredible character and shows tremendous dedication on the part of a nation,

Noting is a crappy word here. I’d say believing is correct but you use it in the next one. This is however an opinion and “noting” generally denotes a fact. I would give it another swing.

“on the part of a nation” is oddly worded. Perhaps you could just delete it entirely and make that end part something like “a hallmark of incredible character and tremendous dedication to the improvement of international communities” or something like that.

Hulldom wrote:Believing that few nations ever engage in that most noble act and that one such nation which has is Mount Seymour and its various satellite nations,

Don’t like the way this is organized, gonna give a rewrite for reorganization’s sake:

“Believing that Mount Seymour and its various satellites are one of only a select few nations that have dedicated so much time and work towards that leadership,”

Or something to that effect. Only content change I made was for the “engage in the most noble act” which is mad confusing and I’m really not sure what exactly it’s referring to so I just reworded it.

Hulldom wrote:Appreciating that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to the valiant defender cause through their creation of Solidarity, an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions, such as their assistance with the rebuilding of Jahkku;

I can’t tell if this is really confusing or if I’m just an idiot. First of all, “appreciating that” is a weird opener considering the rest of the clause. Honestly I don’t know if I have any other comments other than the fact that I’m probably just very tired and can’t read very well xD

Hulldom wrote:Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which he mentored The Free Nations Region in the drafting of their first Constitution and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, providing an example to the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside in that region, such as Heaveria;

“that region” is unnecessary.

I don’t think “such as Heaveria” is necessary either. With no context as to who that is or why they matter, that’s a pretty meaningless tack-on to the end of this.

Hulldom wrote:Admiring their service to Lazarus through their satellite nation Aumelodia, which provided political leadership to that community during their tenures as Convenor, head of the Lazarene Legislature, and Celestial Being, head of Government, during the Celestial Union Government of 2017;

In its current form, “their satellite nation Aumelodia” would have to be “their satellite nation, Aumelodia”. Alternatively you could just change “their” to “the” in that context to solve the problem.

Throw “head of government” in parentheses rather than commas because you were already using the commas to make a list of positions. As it is, it looks like that is its own list item rather than an explanation of the term “Celestial Being”.

How about instead of just “political leadership” do like “invaluable political leadership”?

Hulldom wrote:Believing that resolute servant leadership also extends to efforts to combat those who do not engage in it and that Aumelodia’s resistance of the coup perpetrated on Lazarus by Funkadelia, while unsuccessful in restoring the Celestial Union government, provided resistance to the illegitimate Lazarene Khanate;

Another use of “believing”. Find a better word, you already used that one. Honestly the whole opener of the clause is kinda weird and repetitive of earlier clauses? You don’t have to mention leadership in every clause to imply it. Here I would rewrite this clause to just explain their work on fighting the coup and get rid of all the weirdly long intro to it.

Hulldom wrote:Acclaiming Mount Seymour’s rich and varied work and leadership in Forest, a region commended by [resolution=SC#219]SC #219[/resolution], where they:

Please… stop… saying… leadership… in… every… clause…(seriously though, I get the theme but at this point it seems like it’s kind of shoving itself down my throat as I read this further. You don’t need to just insert the word in every single possible place it can be shoved. Or maybe at least find some synonyms? They exist, I promise)

Hulldom wrote:Lead the nations of that august region as Forest Keeper, a role wherein they improved the standing of the region on the world stage by fostering relationships with diverse regions like The South Pacific and The Rejected Realms, relationships which brought the region out of isolation and to wider prominence in the multiverse,

“lead” should be “led”.

Why “august”? Maybe I’m just tired of the word after seeing it in like every resolution I edit these days. I prefer words like “venerable” and “esteemed” personally.

“like” would be better as “such as”

“relationships which brought” should be “relationships that brought”

“in the multiverse” —> “throughout the multiverse”?

Hulldom wrote:Organized and participated in the Forest Photo Contest, an event which has attracted dozens of submissions from photographers across the multiverse in a celebration of the natural world over its last four editions;

“which has” —> “that”

“over its last four editions” has to move because you changed subject so at the moment that refers to the natural world, not to the photo contest. Just move it before “attracted dozens” and that’ll solve your problem.

Hulldom wrote:Applauding their work in The South Pacific, via their satellite nation Aumeltopia, where they:

Delete comma before “via”.

First “their” should probably be “Mount Seymour’s”

Hulldom wrote:Created the South Pacific Special Forces Reserve during their 2018 tenure as Minister of Military Affairs, a fighting body notable for its ability to attract and train those nations with little military experience and include them in the efforts of regular forces, and

Another subject change problem, move the bit about Military Affairs Minister to the top because right here, the “fighting body” refers to that position, not to the reserve.

Delete “those” in “those nations with little”.

Hulldom wrote:Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, created and oversaw the first regular World Assembly Affairs office of the South Pacific, and fostered a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government;

This clause is incredibly confusing because the commas are too weak to separate each list item so it seems like these are all part of the same thing (which btw is “enhanced regional security”) when they are not. The “by” at the beginning there feels like the initiation of the list rather than the “where”. Anyway, that’s an incredibly confusing description so rewrite:

“Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, as well as creating and overseeing the first regular World Assembly Affairs office of the South Pacific and fostering a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government;”

Tiny edits but that was the easiest way to explain it :p

Hulldom wrote:Lauding Mount Seymour’s work in the field of graphic design and regional artwork through their creation of the regional standards of Forest and The Union of Democratic States and their contributions to the current graphics packages of both the South Pacific and the interregional newswire NationStates Today;

“their” should be “the”

Hulldom wrote:Extolling their work within the World Assembly which has proven impactful through their passed resolutions:

I don’t really like this at all. It reads grossly and could be worded a lot better to make it mildly more interesting.

Hulldom wrote:[resolution=SC#212]Repeal: “Liberate Kingdom of Ireland”[/resolution], authored by Mount Seymour, an effort to fully restore to native control a region which had fallen to the raider menace and was subsequently liberated, and

“to native control” should be “native control to”.

“which had fallen” —> “that had fallen”

Why the “and was subsequently liberated”? If that’s referring to defender liberation rather than WA liberation, change that because under the awning of this clause, it doesn’t make any sense like that. Make it clear that that’s referring to a defender operation and not a WA resolution.

Hulldom wrote:[resolution=SC#307]Condemn Auphelia[/resolution], authored by Aumeltopia, an effort to condemn a nation charged with commandeering diplomatic channels for grossly improper purposes, disrespecting many thousands of nations across the multiverse, and perpetrating a myriad of human rights abuses, including torture, on its own citizens;

I’m not sure the “authored by ___” is needed. Obviously it’s authored by them or a previously mentioned satellite state and they can see which one if they click on the resolution link and also tbh I really don’t know how relevant it is.

Hulldom wrote:Hailing Mount Seymour’s foresight in bringing awareness to the issue of illegal logging by national timber woodchipping industries, as Mount Seymour did by sharing Dossier #640: “A Clear-Cut Conundrum” with the multiverse; and

Delete “as Mount Seymour did by”. Instead provide some context as to wtf Dossier #640 is (I am well aware it refers to an issue, but this does not explain that very well at all).

Hulldom wrote:Aspiring then to climb the proverbial mountain that this truly awe-inspiring nation has by emulating their example of servant leadership,

Huh? Okay mountain pun haha but also HUHHH??? I can say with full certainty I have absolutely no idea wtf this clause is saying at all. Is it like you as the author want to be as cool as Somy??? This feels very much like you could reword this pun so it was at least vaguely understandable.

Hopefully these are helpful and have a great day!

-A
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Quebecshire
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Democratic Socialists

Postby Quebecshire » Thu Nov 11, 2021 2:04 pm

Full support.
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Hulldom
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Founded: Nov 16, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Hulldom » Thu Nov 11, 2021 7:26 pm

Some of TB's edits were from the earlier version of the draft (i.e. the private one, so I assume I know who's behind the nation now :P). Anyways, most of them have been adopted as they make sense. Removed the redundancies of "work" and "leadership". Hopefully it's smoother and more vibrant now.
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Thousand Branches
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 192
Founded: Jun 03, 2021
Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Postby Thousand Branches » Thu Nov 11, 2021 7:41 pm

Hulldom wrote:Some of TB's edits were from the earlier version of the draft (i.e. the private one, so I assume I know who's behind the nation now :P). Anyways, most of them have been adopted as they make sense. Removed the redundancies of "work" and "leadership". Hopefully it's smoother and more vibrant now.

O.o they… were? Did I ever see the private version of this draft? I really don’t think I did. I’m questioning myself now xD Also I never thought I’d been particularly hidden about who I am, I am the new main nation of Aramantha, my old main was Pluvie and I returned with this nation when I came out of retirement. I don’t think I ever knew you either time although it’s possible our paths have crossed before considering I’ve been literally everywhere in the NS multiverse. Admittedly I’m curious now who you thought I was ;)

PS: The draft looks a lot better! Keep up the great work! :D
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Hulldom
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Founded: Nov 16, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Hulldom » Thu Nov 11, 2021 8:12 pm

Thousand Branches wrote:
Hulldom wrote:Some of TB's edits were from the earlier version of the draft (i.e. the private one, so I assume I know who's behind the nation now :P). Anyways, most of them have been adopted as they make sense. Removed the redundancies of "work" and "leadership". Hopefully it's smoother and more vibrant now.

O.o they… were? Did I ever see the private version of this draft? I really don’t think I did. I’m questioning myself now xD Also I never thought I’d been particularly hidden about who I am, I am the new main nation of Aramantha, my old main was Pluvie and I returned with this nation when I came out of retirement. I don’t think I ever knew you either time although it’s possible our paths have crossed before considering I’ve been literally everywhere in the NS multiverse. Admittedly I’m curious now who you thought I was ;)

PS: The draft looks a lot better! Keep up the great work! :D

Oh wow. Well I merged the first two clauses prior to your intervention. I, and I think a lot of others, thought you were a well-respected SC author whose name I shall leave for you to guess other than to note that they were, and are, intimately involved with 10000 Islands.

(And a friend of Somy’s as well!)
Last edited by Hulldom on Thu Nov 11, 2021 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thousand Branches
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Posts: 192
Founded: Jun 03, 2021
Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Postby Thousand Branches » Thu Nov 11, 2021 8:30 pm

Hulldom wrote:
Thousand Branches wrote:O.o they… were? Did I ever see the private version of this draft? I really don’t think I did. I’m questioning myself now xD Also I never thought I’d been particularly hidden about who I am, I am the new main nation of Aramantha, my old main was Pluvie and I returned with this nation when I came out of retirement. I don’t think I ever knew you either time although it’s possible our paths have crossed before considering I’ve been literally everywhere in the NS multiverse. Admittedly I’m curious now who you thought I was ;)

PS: The draft looks a lot better! Keep up the great work! :D

Oh wow. Well I merged the first two clauses prior to your intervention. I, and I think a lot of others, thought you were a well-respected SC author whose name I shall leave for you to guess other than to note that they were, and are, intimately involved with 10000 Islands.

(And a friend of Somy’s as well!)

Whattttt probably it’s that I shove the resolution to quote in a notes document usually as soon as they get posted so I remember to do edits for them. If you ever accidentally posted a version with the split clauses, it’s probably that I just grabbed a weird copy of the res :p

I’m definitely not an XKI author :p Probably not that cool either ;) The only res I ever wrote got turned down by the nominee due to inactivity. Never even got posted on the forums. Although I suppose the GA res I have at the moment counts as my first resolution on the forums xD Good to know I pass well for somebody way cooler than me though 8)
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The Noble Thatcherites
Diplomat
 
Posts: 534
Founded: Dec 03, 2015
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby The Noble Thatcherites » Sat Nov 13, 2021 12:23 am

Tinhampton wrote:Somyrion is the most Commendable raccoon I know. Unfortunately, this draft only just about shows it - and "just about" is not a good enough standard. I will once again be using my world-famous blue pen to demonstrate:
Hulldom wrote:What help did Somy provide FNR with "their first Constitution?" The first draft of the Constitution of April 18th 2016, for instance, certainly does not look like the kind of document that has Somyrion's fingerprints all over it. and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, providing an example to the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside in that region, such as Heaveria Okay, so Somy served as Chief Justice for two months. What actions did he take in the post, and why were those actions so influential upon Heaveria and company? The only case I can find involvement from him in is the one where he ruled that Asian Sikh Republic ought to be banned from holding office for three months - and while I understand that Heav said that "I hope I will soon be able to act as one of your FNR judges!" in March 2017, he barely made a mark on FNR until running for its Presidency in the summer of 2020;

Admiring their service to Lazarus through their satellite nation Aumelodia, which provided political leadership to that community during their tenures as Convenor, head of the Lazarene Legislature, and Celestial Being, head of Government, during the Celestial Union Government of 2017 Actions, not positions, are commendable. I understand you're short on characters, but what acts did Somyrion take in those posts before the declaration of the Khanate (you have a clause about his post-Khanate, resistance work already)?;


Hi folks, I'll start off by saying that I am proud of Hulldom for taking on this project. Somy is very commendable and is well worth this effort.

While Somy may not have written the very first constitution, he did write one of the very first. Unless I am mistaken, he wrote this version, which guided the region after the first, linked by Tin:

https://www.nationstates.net/page=dispatch/id=870995

On your second point there, Tin, I believe he was critical in setting up the opposition government in waiting. So whatever forum, discord, and other resources were needed for that effort, he was at the front of it.
Last edited by The Noble Thatcherites on Sat Nov 13, 2021 12:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hulldom
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Founded: Nov 16, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Hulldom » Mon Nov 15, 2021 10:15 am

Bump.
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Guess and Check
Secretary
 
Posts: 27
Founded: Mar 26, 2018
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Guess and Check » Wed Nov 17, 2021 6:05 am

feedback

Believing that resolute servant leadership is aa hallmark of incredible character and tremendous dedication to the improvement of international communities, and that Mount Seymourand its various satellites are is one of only a select few nations that have dedicated so much time and work towards that leadership;

This reads like an extensive run-on, would be best to shorten it so it flows better.

Ascertaining that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to the valiant defender cause through their creation of Solidarity, an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions, such as their assistance with the rebuilding of Jahkku;
I'm not sure if this should be included, considering Solidarity seemed to have lasted about a month. If you still wish to include it, I'd suggest rephrasing it to showcase Solidarity as being an innovative idea versus presenting it as a long-functioning org, or at least mention a few of the other missions it helped on as stated in the embassy thread.

Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, providing an example to the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside there;
You said to Tin Amerion trained Heav, per Heav's admission. So I'd replace "providing an example" to "training" or something more direct to show that Somy was actively preparing the court, rather than passively serving as a model. (Being a model is great, but directly training people is better.)

which Aumelodia revived and restored to activity by invigorating with new recruits and trainees, and
Would suggest changing this to make it flow better. Mainly "invigorating" doesn't seem to fit in the flow.

Resisting the dismissal of the Archbishop of Foreign Affairs Arkadia Univeralis when the legislature deposed them, a move which precipitated a coup by Funkadelia which Aumelodia resisted over the rest of 2017 and well into 2018 before Lazarus fell into its Anarchy period by setting up a 'government-in-waiting';
This is also a run-on and should be edited. Also I think the part of Lazarus falling into anarchy is a bit superfluous.

Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, as well as creating and overseeing the first regular World Assembly Affairs office of the South Pacific and fostering a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government;
The latter part of this clause isn't much of a run-on, but it's close. Would recommend trying to find a way to reword that part without using a lot of "and"s.

Aspiring then to climb the proverbial mountain that this truly awe-inspiring nation has built by emulating their example of servant leadership,
Works better
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Hulldom
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Founded: Nov 16, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Hulldom » Fri Nov 19, 2021 2:18 pm

I should note here, but I've taken Zuk's suggestions. It may seem quick, but barring any big issues, my plan is to submit this next Sunday the 28th.
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Hulldom
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Left-Leaning College State

Postby Hulldom » Sun Nov 21, 2021 1:44 pm

Keeping up the two day bump on this given the lack of activity in the chamber overall.
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Guess and Check
Secretary
 
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Guess and Check » Sun Nov 21, 2021 7:18 pm

Just some nitpicks:

Ascertaining that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to defending through innovation as exemplified through their creation of Solidarity, an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions, such as their assistance with the rebuilding of Jahkku;
Like this better, but if possible you should delete one of the commas and restructure it somehow - it reads a bit clunky although it does work.

Serving as Celestial Being, or head of state, a position concurrent with leadership of the Celestial Armada, which Aumelodia revived and restored to activity by recruiting new nations to military service, and
Not sure if it's necessary to mention "a position concurrent with leadership of the Celestial Armada," as most heads of state have come direct control over the military. Could just remove that and insert the military name somewhere.

Created, during their 2018 tenure as Minister of Military Affairs, the South Pacific Special Forces Reserve (The Tidal Force), a fighting body notable for its ability to attract and train nations with little military experience and include them in the efforts of regular forces, and
If possible, would be good to remove one of the commas & restructure this clause as well

Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, created the first regular World Assembly Affairs office of the South Pacific, and fostered a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government;
Maybe something to mention for the "communication" thing, if you have the characters, about Amerion's "Delegate Briefs"? Those seem pretty unique and consistent & highly formatted, even if new. Maybe replace "fostered a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government" with "and crafted relevant gameside updates about government matters to foster communication between various regional groups;"? That doesn't sound the best, but just an idea
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Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
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Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Sun Nov 21, 2021 11:07 pm

Hulldom wrote:

Commend Mount Seymour

Commendation | Nominee: Mount Seymour

The Security Council,

Believing that resolute servant leadership is a a hallmark of tremendous dedication to the improvement of international communities and that Mount Seymour is one of only a few nations that have dedicated so much time and work towards that leadership;

Ascertaining that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to defending through innovation as exemplified through their creation of Solidarity (which operated out of Solidarian Fleet), an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions, such as their assistance with the rebuilding of Jahkku Might be worth adding more detail on what happened in Jahkku? I genuinely have no clue what happened there besides that Solidarity helped rebuild it.;

Appraising that among the first evidence of their leadership of a regional community comes from their satellite nation Somyrion, through which they mentored The Free Nations Region in the drafting of their second Constitution and served that region as Chief Justice from December 2016 to January 2017, training the next generation of Justices and leaders to preside there;

Admiring their service to Lazarus through their satellite nation, Aumelodia, which provided political leadership to that community during the Celestial Union Government by:
  • Serving as Celestial Being, or head of state, a position concurrent with leadership of the Celestial Armada, which Aumelodia revived and restored to activity by recruiting new nations to military service, Surely you can add more detail here? For example in my (poor) attempt at this a while ago, I said "doubled recruitment to the LCA, from under 5 active updaters at the start of their term to at least 10 at the end," and
  • Leading the resistance to the coup of Funkadelia by creating a continuation 'government-in-waiting' of the Celestial Union Government;

Acclaiming Mount Seymour’s rich and varied work in Forest, a region commended by [resolution=SC#219]SC #219[/resolution], where they:
  • Led the nations of that august region as Forest Keeper, a role wherein they improved the standing of the region on the world stage by fostering relationships with diverse regions like The South Pacific and The Rejected Realms, relationships that brought the region out of isolation and to wider prominence throughout the multiverse,
  • Assisted in preserving the stability of Forest after its founder, Errinundera, ceased to exist, being the maintainer of key pillars of the regional community such as Forest’s Constitution and regional communications platforms, and
  • Organized and participated in the Forest Photo Contest, an event which has attracted dozens of submissions from photographers across the multiverse in a celebration of the natural world over its last four editions;
Applauding their contributions to The South Pacific via their satellite nation Aumeltopia, where they:
  • Created, during their 2018 tenure as Minister of Military Affairs, the South Pacific Special Forces Reserve (now known as The Tidal Force), a fighting body notable for its ability to attract and train nations with little military experience and include them in the efforts of regular forces, and
  • Served as Delegate from August 2019 to August 2020, where they enhanced regional security by introducing and regularly hosting Endorsement Day events, created the first regular World Assembly Affairs office of the South Pacific Uh, there were WA offices that predeceded OWL as early as 2003. Probably worth clarifying that., and fostered a culture of regular communication between the gameside community and the regional government;
Lauding Mount Seymour’s work in the field of graphic design and regional artwork through the creation of the regional standards of Forest and The Union of Democratic States among others (don't say it), and their contributions to the current graphics packages of both the South Pacific and the interregional newswire NationStates Today;

Extolling their often overlooked work within the World Assembly, authoring the following resolutions:
  • [resolution=SC#212]Repeal: “Liberate Kingdom of Ireland”[/resolution], an effort to fully restore to native control a region which had fallen to the raider menace and was subsequently liberated, and
  • [resolution=SC#307]Condemn Auphelia[/resolution], an effort to condemn a nation charged with commandeering diplomatic channels for grossly improper purposes, disrespecting many thousands of nations across the multiverse, and perpetrating a myriad of human rights abuses, including torture, on its own citizens;
[/list] Extra [/list] tag to remove
Hailing Mount Seymour’s foresight in bringing awareness to the issue of illegal logging by national timber woodchipping industries, sharing Dossier #640: “A Clear-Cut Conundrum” with the multiverse; and

Aspiring then to climb the proverbial mountain that this truly awe-inspiring nation has built by emulating their example of servant leadership,

Hereby Commends Mount Seymour.
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Sun Nov 21, 2021 11:25 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Emodea
Bureaucrat
 
Posts: 65
Founded: May 21, 2021
Iron Fist Consumerists

Postby Emodea » Mon Nov 22, 2021 7:10 am

Hulldom wrote:Believing that resolute servant leadership is a a hallmark of tremendous dedication to the improvement of international communities and that Mount Seymour is one of only a few nations that have dedicated so much time and work towards that leadership;

Stylistic quibble, but use something else at the bolded part, like "extraordinary" or "tremendous". Makes it read better, me thinks.

Hulldom wrote:Ascertaining that Mount Seymour’s leadership credentials can be traced to their service to defending through innovation as exemplified through their creation of Solidarity, an interregional army whose primary focus was on assisting native communities with rebuilding their regions, such as their assistance with the rebuilding of Jahkku;

Considering that Jahkku is now founderless, seemingly dead and doesn't contain more than two nations, I don't think that this would be a really good example of the "native community rebuild" you wish to take. Might wanna include another example, or just emphasize on the native outreach techniques Somy and Solidarity popularized that's still in use.

Hulldom wrote:Serving as Celestial Being, or head of state, a position concurrent with leadership of the Celestial Armada, which Aumelodia revived and restored to activity by recruiting new nations to military service, and

Like Apato already mentioned, more details about this revival would be great to include here.

I also don't think you need to present Somy's Lazarus work in a list-like structure; just writing as a normal clause would make it read okay and seem aesthetically pleasing.

Hulldom wrote:Created, during their 2018 tenure as Minister of Military Affairs, the South Pacific Special Forces Reserve (The Tidal Force), a fighting body notable for its ability to attract and train nations with little military experience and include them in the efforts of regular forces, and

Definitely just me, but it reads a bit awkward. Perhaps consider rephrasing it to something a bit more free-flowing?

Overall, the draft seems a bit too listy for my liking. There are some clauses that I really like (particularly the earlier ones), but it needs a bit more work on it before it's ready. This is definitely the best attempt someone gave at this particular Commendation though and I wish you good luck with this!
Moon

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Hulldom
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Posts: 444
Founded: Nov 16, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Hulldom » Mon Nov 22, 2021 7:50 pm

I've gone through Moon, Zuk, and Apato's comments. Should be fixed now.

Re: Jakkhu, this is one particular case Somy highlighted to me as something he was particularly fond of, hence its inclusion.
Last edited by Hulldom on Mon Nov 22, 2021 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Tinhampton
Powerbroker
 
Posts: 9358
Founded: Oct 05, 2016
Anarchy

Postby Tinhampton » Tue Nov 23, 2021 9:46 am

I guess I can support this now.

But how did Somy help rebuild Jahkku? The fact he is so proud of it seems to indicate that his work there was incredibly important to/for the natives :P
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