NATION

PASSWORD

[LAST CALL] Commend Elegarth

A chamber dedicated to the dissemination of inter-regional peace and goodwill, via force if necessary.
User avatar
Giovanniland
Diplomat
 
Posts: 654
Founded: Aug 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

[LAST CALL] Commend Elegarth

Postby Giovanniland » Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:30 pm

Hello again SC! This is a joint project between TWP and NPO that started two months ago, and we're now glad to publish it in this forum. Although I spearheaded the drafting as main author, the contributions from other people certainly made this possible. From the TWP side, Aluminum Oxynitride led the research with the Hall of Nations back when this was a Regional Commendation last year, which was then used as a basis for the TWP clauses. Meanwhile, from NPO, Retz and Waterfall State both greatly helped with the NPO part of the proposal. Other people also made suggestions regarding flow, grammar, etc, which was also appreciated.

Anyways, without further ado, here is the draft! It focuses on actions taken by Elegarth in TWP, NPO, and also a few in the international arena. The proposal is co-authored by Aluminum Oxynitride, though with the recently introduced feature this doesn't go in the proposal text anymore.

NOTE: The resolution tags do work when previewing at the submission page of the SC, though apparently not in the forums.

Current Draft (4787 of 5000 characters):
The Security Council,

Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be commendable, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in two major regions, but has also contributed in other notable interregional acts;

Recognizing Elegarth's long-term service in the West Pacific (TWP), where they were entrusted with the protection of the region as a Guardian of the West and faithfully served in the position from May to November 2015 and September 2016 to July 2017;

Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the restoration of the native government of TWP when Delegate United RussoAsia willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives, as Elegarth led a resistance of residents and fellow Guardians while also reaching the second most endorsements before being banished from the region, taking a toll on United RussoAsia's influence and allowing long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

Lauding Elegarth's role in leading TWP after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as Delegate from November 2015 to September 2016, during which they created the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to regional culture by developing the weekly Punday Monday event, promoting creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment;

Impressed by Elegarth's extraordinary ability to improve foreign relations by authoring several treaties during their Delegacy, including but not limited to the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, strengthening the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the signatories' long-term friendship; and the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and TWP, which created a robust relationship and laid the basis for cultural events and exchanges that occur to this day;

Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state in the Pacific, The Seeker of Power, and acknowledging its role in rebuilding the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations of harmful acts (such as infiltration of the sinker regions Osiris and Lazarus) that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], an effort that succeeded through the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

Believing that The Seeker of Power played an instrumental role in the Pacific's recovery via restarting its foreign affairs as Legatus, in which they revamped the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilt the Pacific's relations across the multiverse, with examples of such relations being:
  • the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the co-hosting of interregional events such as the Burning Marsupial festival with TWP and Karma; and
  • the restoration of embassies with the North Pacific, the South Pacific, and Europeia, including non-aggression pacts with the latter two as a sign of stepping forward past regional grievances;
Extolling The Seeker of Power's work as Consul of the Pacific, a position held since October 2019 as second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate), in which they continuously ensure regional safety by having the second highest amount of regional endorsements for two years running, oversee discussions in the Pacific Senate to ensure government progress, and advance diplomacy with the current Legatus (and commended nation) Xoriet through emphasizing cultural interactions and maintaining venues for important discussions with treatied allies;

Lionizing Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community by being one of the few traders to complete a set of legendary rarity artwork from both the first and second editions, and by aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program through training other nations like Vylixan to maintain the program's activity;

Praising Elegarth's work in spreading awareness about autism throughout the multiverse through the creation of the well-received NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week campaign during the month of April, as well as helping run regional events like TWP's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board to break misconceptions about the theme; and

Concluding that Elegarth's contributions to various aspects of the world are worthy of immense praise and recognition;

Hereby commends Elegarth.


Older drafts:
The Security Council,

Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be a commendable action, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in several major regions, but also contributed in other international acts;

Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia's (URA) despicable regime in the West Pacific (TWP), in which URA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian of the West enabled them to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected from the region, taking a toll on URA's influence and making it easier for long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

Lauding Elegarth's role in leading the West Pacific after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as the regional World Assembly Delegate from 7 November 2015 to 21 September 2016, during which they set the foundations for a new government, aided in regional stability by creating the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to the regional culture by creating events in the Regional Message Board such as the weekly Punday Monday, which still happens to this day and promotes creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment for residents;

Impressed by Elegarth's abilities to improve foreign relations by authoring treaties during their Delegacy of the West Pacific, including but not limited to:
  • the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, confirming the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the long-term friendship between the signatories; and
  • the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and The West Pacific, creating a robust relationship and laying the basis for cultural events and exchanges between the two regions in recent times;
Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state The Seeker of Power residing in the Pacific, and acknowledging The Seeker of Power's important actions in helping the government rebuild the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], which eventually succeeded as seen by the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

Believing one of the main reasons for the Pacific's recovery to be The Seeker of Power's instrumental role in restarting the Pacific's foreign affairs in the position of Legatus, revamping the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilding relations across the multiverse, for example:
  • the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the hosting of interregional events, as seen by the Burning Marsupial festival featuring the two regions and Karma;
  • the non-aggression pacts with Europeia and the South Pacific, allowing for regions previously unfriendly to the Pacific to improve their relations; and
  • the restoration of key embassies with regions such as the North Pacific;
[/list]
Extolling The Seeker of Power's government position of Consul of the Pacific that they have held since October 2019, a role akin to a Vice-Delegate that functions as the second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeps the region secure by holding the second highest amount of endorsements in the region; in this position Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;

Applauding Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, for example being one of the few traders to complete a set of both Season 1 and Season 2 legendary rarity artwork, as well as aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program and training other nations like Vylixan to to maintain its activity;

Praising Elegarth's work on spreading awareness about autism through the multiverse, through the creation of the NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week during the month of April, a well-received international campaign, as well as helping regional events like the West Pacific's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board in which national leaders answered questions to break misconceptions about the theme; and

Concluding that Elegarth's contributions to various aspects of the world are worthy of praise and recognition;

Hereby commends Elegarth.

Co-authored by Aluminum Oxynitride.
Last edited by Giovanniland on Mon Nov 29, 2021 4:12 pm, edited 27 times in total.
Giovanniland
Guardian of the West and Minister without Portfolio
Former Speaker of the Hall of Nations of TWP (x3)
Trading Card Collector (#1 for bank, briefly #1 for deck value)
WA Author (SC#364, SC#372, SC#373)

The Kingdom of Giovanniland - Giovannilandian Artwork Ministry - The Collection Collection Thread

User avatar
Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
Posts: 239
Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:50 pm

Said this on Discord, but posting it here for reference:
Giovanniland wrote:in which URA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to

The mention gives attention to cheating/TBR DEN (not even one of the non-cheating past iterations), so you should say something more generic, like "willingly gave control of the region to invaders, allowing them to"

Also use [nation] tags in "Hereby commends Elegarth".
Card farmer, fenda and filthy cosmo|WA Ambassador: Ambrose Scott|Go admire my factbook and upvote! He or they pronouns.
fenda nations always deserve banjection - Evil Cub
I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
Diagrams of urine were not what I expected to find in NSGP today, but perhaps my expectations were too high - Refuge Isle
SEASON T*REE!

User avatar
Tinhampton
Powerbroker
 
Posts: 9366
Founded: Oct 05, 2016
Anarchy

Postby Tinhampton » Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:52 pm

Why should we panic about giving "attention" to an organisation that has been dead for five years, remains dead by mod decree, and is virtually certain to stay dead long into the future? Certainly didn't seem to stop Ransium and LD a few years back.
Last edited by Tinhampton on Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Self-Administrative City of TINHAMPTON (pop. 319,372): Saffron Howard, Mayor (UCP); Alexander Smith, WA Delegate-Ambassador

Authorships & co-authorships: SC#250, SC#251, Issue #1115, SC#267, GA#484, GA#491, GA#533, GA#540, GA#549, SC#356, GA#559, GA#562, GA#567, GA#578, SC#374, GA#582, SC#375
Other achievements: Cup of Harmony 73 champions; Philosopher-Queen of Sophia; possibly very controversial; "Tinhampton? the man's literally god"
Who am I, really? 46yo Tory woman w/Asperger's; Cambridge graduate; currently reading National Populism by Roger Eatwell and Matthew Goodwin

User avatar
Ikania
Senator
 
Posts: 3534
Founded: Jun 28, 2013
New York Times Democracy

Postby Ikania » Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:54 pm

Agreed. We don't need to conduct a full damnatio memoriae against one of the game's historically most significant raider groups (whose cheating came toward the very end, anyway). The proposal reads well as it is.
Ike: Your Best Nightmare.
Conductor, Grand Central, 2016
Delegate, Nesapo, 2013-14
Holder of many miscellaneous offices in various regions over the years.
NSG Senate veteran. Knuckle-dragging fuckstick from a backwater GCR. #SPRDNZ
Find me on Discord: Ike#3548

User avatar
Wayneactia
Minister
 
Posts: 2464
Founded: Aug 01, 2014
New York Times Democracy

Postby Wayneactia » Mon Nov 01, 2021 7:19 pm

Very well written, as usual. Unfortunately, no support on this one. If memory serves me correctly, Elegarth knew as much as Krull did when the Pacific tried to coup Lazarus, which resulted in Feux and Krull being tossed under the bus. Now if I am wrong about that, I will gladly reconsider my position.
Sarcasm dispensed liberally.

User avatar
Giovanniland
Diplomat
 
Posts: 654
Founded: Aug 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Giovanniland » Mon Nov 01, 2021 7:30 pm

Wayneactia wrote:Very well written, as usual. Unfortunately, no support on this one. If memory serves me correctly, Elegarth knew as much as Krull did when the Pacific tried to coup Lazarus, which resulted in Feux and Krull being tossed under the bus. Now if I am wrong about that, I will gladly reconsider my position.

From my research, Elegarth was in the minority when that matter was found out internally in the NPO, tried to oppose it and convince the others to not go ahead with the plan but eventually that did not work. In fact this caused Ele to leave the region and be more active in TWP if I'm not mistaken.

Source: viewtopic.php?p=38646145#p38646145
Last edited by Giovanniland on Mon Nov 01, 2021 7:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Giovanniland
Guardian of the West and Minister without Portfolio
Former Speaker of the Hall of Nations of TWP (x3)
Trading Card Collector (#1 for bank, briefly #1 for deck value)
WA Author (SC#364, SC#372, SC#373)

The Kingdom of Giovanniland - Giovannilandian Artwork Ministry - The Collection Collection Thread

User avatar
Bhang Bhang Duc
Minister
 
Posts: 3190
Founded: Dec 17, 2003
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Tue Nov 02, 2021 5:27 am

Tinhampton wrote:Why should we panic about giving "attention" to an organisation that has been dead for five years, remains dead by mod decree, and is virtually certain to stay dead long into the future? Certainly didn't seem to stop Ransium and LD a few years back.

Ikania wrote:Agreed. We don't need to conduct a full damnatio memoriae against one of the game's historically most significant raider groups (whose cheating came toward the very end, anyway). The proposal reads well as it is.

I agree with both of the above. Ele’s leadership was against DEN, not some run-of-the-mill raider group. As someone who was there (unlike Python) I think it absolutely needs to be stated who TWP were fighting against.

Second point - I wouldn’t describe URA’s Delegacy as despicable. That makes them seem as if they were planning to be evil. In reality URA was spiteful and highly incompetent and basically had a hissy fit when Ele and the other Guardians moved to unseat him.
Former Delegate of The West Pacific. TWP's Former Minister for World Assembly Affairs. Currently Guardian and Security Council Advisor for The West Pacific.

The West Pacific's Official Welshman, Astronomer and Old Fart

Pierconium wrote:I see Funk as an opportunistic manipulator that utilises the means available to him to reach his goals. In other words, a nation after my own heart.

RiderSyl wrote:If an enchantress made it so one raid could bring about world peace, Unibot would ask raiders to just sign a petition instead.

User avatar
Zukchiva
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 161
Founded: Dec 06, 2017
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Zukchiva » Tue Nov 02, 2021 6:24 am

Definitely well-written with a solid nominee and has my support as-is. However, feedback:

Believing one of the main reasons for the Pacific's recovery to be The Seeker of Power's instrumental role in restarting the Pacific's foreign affairs in the position of Legatus, revamping the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilding relations across the multiverse,
The revamping bit seems to read a bit weird. Not really sure how to fix it, though. But maybe "Believing one of the main reasons for the Pacific's recovery to be The Seeker of Power's instrumental role in restarting the Pacific's foreign affairs in the position of Legatus, in which they revamped the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilt relations across the multiverse, with examples of such relations being:"?

Extolling The Seeker of Power's government position of Consul of the Pacific that they have held since October 2019, a role akin to a Vice-Delegate that functions as the second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeps the region secure by holding the second highest amount of endorsements in the region; in this position Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;
While I think this is fine by itself, I think it could be construed as not too remarkable as currently written. Mainly because you focus a bit too much on the position itself, and less on the fact that Elegarth has maintained second-in-command (and presumably second-in-endorsements) for three whole years, which is a great showcase of his dedication to the region.

Also if Ele did anything notable besides continuing their FA efforts as Consul that would be great to add to the clause

Applauding Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, for example which include being one of the few traders to complete a set of both Season 1 and Season 2 legendary rarity artwork, as well as aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program and training other nations like Vylixan toto maintain its activity;
To help it flow slightly better

Praising Elegarth's work on spreading awareness about autism through the multiverse, through the creation of the well-receivedNationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week campaign during the month of April, a well-received international campaign, as well as helping regional events like the West Pacific's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board in which national leaders answered questionsto break misconceptions about the theme; and
This feels a bit run-on around the part of the Autism Week. I'd suggest trying to reword the clause to help it sound better. Made some suggestions in that regard.
Derpy derpy derpy derp!

This is funny. (Posted by Druing in the UDS Discord server.)

User avatar
Emodea
Attaché
 
Posts: 70
Founded: May 21, 2021
Iron Fist Consumerists

Postby Emodea » Tue Nov 02, 2021 10:18 am

Giovanniland wrote:Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be a commendable action, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in several major regions, but also contributed in other international acts;

Love this clause.

Giovanniland wrote:Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia's (URA) despicable regime in the West Pacific (TWP), in which URA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian of the West enabled them to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected from the region, taking a toll on URA's influence and making it easier for long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

Might be a bit too sudden to just jump in a coup and introduce Elegarth as a Guardian. I would recommend including some details about what Elegarth did before becoming a Guardian in a clause before this one. Of course if there isn't much, you could just go for a generic narrative-setter like;
Recognizing Elegarth's long-term service in The West Pacific, where they were entrusted with the protection of the region as a Guardian of the West and would faithfully and capably serve in the position,


Giovanniland wrote:Lauding Elegarth's role in leading the West Pacific after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as the regional World Assembly Delegate from 7 November 2015 to 21 September 2016, during which they set the foundations for a new government, aided in regional stability by creating the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to the regional culture by creating events in the Regional Message Board such as the weekly Punday Monday, which still happens to this day and promotes creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment for residents;

I would recommend getting rid of the dates if you're hard-pressed for characters and simply including the number of days. You could also break this clause down into a list, it personally reads a bit too wordy.

Giovanniland wrote:Impressed by Elegarth's abilities to improve foreign relations by authoring treaties during their Delegacy of the West Pacific, including but not limited to:
the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, confirming the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the long-term friendship between the signatories; and
the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and The West Pacific, creating a robust relationship and laying the basis for cultural events and exchanges between the two regions in recent times;

Definitely a nitpick, but I think you don't need the list here. You can just write this in a simple clause and it wouldn't look too bad. I think.

Giovanniland wrote:Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state The Seeker of Power residing in the Pacific, and acknowledging The Seeker of Power's important actions in helping the government rebuild the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], which eventually succeeded as seen by the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

Need more details about the bolded part here if you're gonna say it, the average audience is not going click the link you included to see what it's about.

Giovanniland wrote:the restoration of key embassies with regions such as the North Pacific;

Could include more regions here, but it's a nitpick.

Giovanniland wrote:Extolling The Seeker of Power's government position of Consul of the Pacific that they have held since October 2019, a role akin to a Vice-Delegate that functions as the second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeps the region secure by holding the second highest amount of endorsements in the region; in this position Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;

Would suggest getting rid of the bolded part.

Good luck with this!
Moon

User avatar
Thousand Branches
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 195
Founded: Jun 03, 2021
Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Postby Thousand Branches » Tue Nov 02, 2021 10:59 am

The usual edits. Also FULL SUPPORT!! House Elegarth forever!!

Giovanniland wrote:Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be a commendable action, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in several major regions, but also contributed in other international acts;

Add some kind of adjective before “international”, otherwise it’s just international acts, something that almost every person partakes in. Additionally “international” should be “interregional”, yes?

Giovanniland wrote: Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia's (URA) despicable regime in the West Pacific (TWP), in which URA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian of the West enabled them to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected from the region, taking a toll on URA's influence and making it easier for long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

“position of Guardian of the West” should be “position as Guardian of the West”.

“making it easier for” would sound stronger and more meaningful as simply “allowing”.

Giovanniland wrote: Lauding Elegarth's role in leading the West Pacific after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as the regional World Assembly Delegate from 7 November 2015 to 21 September 2016, during which they set the foundations for a new government, aided in regional stability by creating the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to the regional culture by creating events in the Regional Message Board such as the weekly Punday Monday, which still happens to this day and promotes creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment for residents;

Love the use of lauding :p

“regional World Assembly Delegate” feels too long, maybe just “Delegate”? Just reads kinda weird.

Punday bit runs a little long and weird. It’s a cool event but perhaps try to make the description for it shorter or just axe it altogether, the title itself is somewhat self explanatory.

Giovanniland wrote: Impressed by Elegarth's abilities to improve foreign relations by authoring treaties during their Delegacy of the West Pacific, including but not limited to:

“abilities” should be “ability” and probably an adjective before it would be better (something like “extraordinary ability”)

“by authoring” should be “, authoring” or probably better “, authoring several”.

Giovanniland wrote: the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, confirming the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the long-term friendship between the signatories; and

“confirming” is an odd word. I don’t think that this re-ratification is like a stamp of approval, is it? I would think more in the lines of “strengthen”? Maybe I’m just not getting it :p

Giovanniland wrote: the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and The West Pacific, creating a robust relationship and laying the basis for cultural events and exchanges between the two regions in recent times;

“creating” would be “which created”, yes? Similarly the rest of the clause should be in that tense too considering the opener to this list. I might be dumb on this one tho.

Giovanniland wrote: Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state The Seeker of Power residing in the Pacific, and acknowledging The Seeker of Power's important actions in helping the government rebuild the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], which eventually succeeded as seen by the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

Might wanna do commas around “The Seeker of Power” at the top, or perhaps an em dash.

“which eventually succeeded as seen by” would be better as like “an effort that succeeded through”

Giovanniland wrote: Believing one of the main reasons for the Pacific's recovery to be The Seeker of Power's instrumental role in restarting the Pacific's foreign affairs in the position of Legatus, revamping the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilding relations across the multiverse, for example:

Hmm, referring to Ele as The Seeker of Power here works but you could probably just continue to say Elegarth I would think? Like he did it as a satellite state but theoretically the nation behind the strings is still Elegarth.

Honestly I think this clause could use a bit of a rework, it feels very clunky, especially the beginning. Perhaps “Believing one of the main reasons for the Pacific's recovery to be The Seeker of Power's instrumental role” would be better as “Believing that The Seeker of Power played an instrumental role in the Pacific’s recovery, etc etc etc”? I think so anyway. I’d just take a look at rewording this somehow :)

Giovanniland wrote: the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the hosting of interregional events, as seen by the Burning Marsupial festival featuring the two regions and Karma;

“as seen by” —> “such as”

“featuring” —> “which featured”

Giovanniland wrote: the non-aggression pacts with Europeia and the South Pacific, allowing for regions previously unfriendly to the Pacific to improve their relations; and

Little reword, might sound better as:

“the non-aggression pacts with Europeia and the South Pacific, allowing for the improvement of relations with two regions previously unfriendly to (or perhaps “at odds with”) the Pacific; and”

Literally just reordering it but it sounds crispier (I’m sorry I literally don’t know how better to explain this but it sounds way better to me ;-;)

Giovanniland wrote: the restoration of key embassies with regions such as the North Pacific;

Are there any other examples you could include here? With just TNP it feels very bare. Alternatively you could add something as to why that connection is important.

Giovanniland wrote: Extolling The Seeker of Power's government position of Consul of the Pacific that they have held since October 2019, a role akin to a Vice-Delegate that functions as the second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeps the region secure by holding the second highest amount of endorsements in the region; in this position Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;

Yesssss extolling!! Now all we need is lionizing and I’ll be able to die happy :3

Hmmmmm this clause reads very long and clunky. There’s definitely some things we could improve a lot. I’ll give you my suggestion for a reword?

“Extolling The Seeker of Power's work as Consul of the Pacific, a position they have held since October 2019 which serves a role akin to a Vice-Delegate, functioning as second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeping the region safe by securing the second highest amount of endorsements; in this position, Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus (and formerly commended nation) Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;”

Small wording changes, tense change, a little added bit at the end for Xori because her commend is also super awesome, just making everything a little more succinct.

Giovanniland wrote: Applauding Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, for example being one of the few traders to complete a set of both Season 1 and Season 2 legendary rarity artwork, as well as aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program and training other nations like Vylixan to to maintain its activity;

Delete “for example”

“, as well as” can just be “and”

“program and” can be “program,”

Extra “to” in the last sentence.

Giovanniland wrote: Praising Elegarth's work on spreading awareness about autism through the multiverse, through the creation of the NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week during the month of April, a well-received international campaign, as well as helping regional events like the West Pacific's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board in which national leaders answered questions to break misconceptions about the theme; and

First “on” should be “in”.

First “through” could probably be “throughout”.

Delete comma before “through the creation”

I think I got everything, hope these are helpful, I know it’s a lot. Great work as usual :)

Have a great day!!

-A
You are frikkin beautiful!! Have the best day ever my friend!!
|| Aramantha Calendula ||
○•○ Writer, editor, and World Assembly fanatic ○•○
•○• Proud member of House Elegarth •○•
○•○ Telegram or message me on discord at Aramantha#4290 for writing or editing help ○•○
•○• Have an awesome day you! •○•

User avatar
Giovanniland
Diplomat
 
Posts: 654
Founded: Aug 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Giovanniland » Wed Nov 03, 2021 5:11 pm

Thank you everyone for all the feedback so far, a second draft with the suggested changes is being worked on.
Giovanniland
Guardian of the West and Minister without Portfolio
Former Speaker of the Hall of Nations of TWP (x3)
Trading Card Collector (#1 for bank, briefly #1 for deck value)
WA Author (SC#364, SC#372, SC#373)

The Kingdom of Giovanniland - Giovannilandian Artwork Ministry - The Collection Collection Thread

User avatar
Goobergunchia
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 1975
Founded: Antiquity
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Goobergunchia » Thu Nov 04, 2021 9:26 pm

Zukchiva wrote:
Extolling The Seeker of Power's government position of Consul of the Pacific that they have held since October 2019, a role akin to a Vice-Delegate that functions as the second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeps the region secure by holding the second highest amount of endorsements in the region; in this position Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;
While I think this is fine by itself, I think it could be construed as not too remarkable as currently written. Mainly because you focus a bit too much on the position itself, and less on the fact that Elegarth has maintained second-in-command (and presumably second-in-endorsements) for three whole years, which is a great showcase of his dedication to the region.

Maybe I'm just a crusty old democrat, but I'd like to see a stronger argument as to why this is commendable in the first place. Without a demonstration of activity in the role, simply seeing "the nominee has held a major government position for three years" reads as an argument that the government in question is stagnant. As currently written there's just a vague allusion to foreign affairs.
(+5175 posts from mostly pre-Jolt)
Making NationStates a different place since 17 May 2003.
ADN Advisor
Nasicournian Officer
Citizen of the Rejected Realms
Discord: Goobergunch#2417
Ideological Bulwark #16
Sponsor, HR#22, SC#4
Rules: GA SC
NS Forum Moderator
For your forum moderation needs: The Moderation Forum
For your in-game moderation needs: The Getting Help Page
What are the rules? See the OSRS.
Who are the mods, anyway?

User avatar
Xoriet
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1951
Founded: Jun 08, 2012
Democratic Socialists

Postby Xoriet » Fri Nov 05, 2021 5:35 am

Goobergunchia wrote:
Zukchiva wrote:While I think this is fine by itself, I think it could be construed as not too remarkable as currently written. Mainly because you focus a bit too much on the position itself, and less on the fact that Elegarth has maintained second-in-command (and presumably second-in-endorsements) for three whole years, which is a great showcase of his dedication to the region.

Maybe I'm just a crusty old democrat, but I'd like to see a stronger argument as to why this is commendable in the first place. Without a demonstration of activity in the role, simply seeing "the nominee has held a major government position for three years" reads as an argument that the government in question is stagnant. As currently written there's just a vague allusion to foreign affairs.

Crusty old democrat sighted! Criticism level over 9000! Man the helm!

In all seriousness, Elegarth has the position because he is trusted with it and because he is effective in the Regent role. The Regent is the second in command of the NPO and oversees the activities of the rest of the Senate as well as has the authority to represent the Emperor if granted such. Given that you know our situation with endos, influence, and general security setup, it's perfectly logical to keep Elegarth in this position knowing that he can be fully trusted and relied upon with all capacities of the office. I've seen plenty of times in the democratic regions that routinely elected officials stand as much of a chance at being duds as they do at being good at their jobs. We prefer the tried and true method of keeping someone who is proven to know what he's doing. NPO is different from most other regions in that it is quite a complicated matter externally. We don't have the leisure to afford dud officials the way other regions with less concerns and easy PR and FA jobs do.
Senator of Diplomatic Affairs of the New Pacific Order

In secret silence
Practiced violence
Name the damned
Gravitating around the fire
That burns the sand

User avatar
Giovanniland
Diplomat
 
Posts: 654
Founded: Aug 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Giovanniland » Sun Nov 14, 2021 6:07 pm

Second draft is up! Since there were many overlapping comments, I'll answer comments per clause:

Resistance against URA clause: Moon's feedback was adopted and now I have a brief introduction to Elegarth's role as Guardian and their time during the position before the actual clause comes. Some wording changes were taken, and I was also asked to expand on Ele's role of fighting against the DEN occupation so that is now done as well.

TWP delegate clause: I got rid of the specific dates but kept the months since I think that's important in order to keep a narrative with defined time frames and so on. I'm not sure if the amount of content there warrants a list, but I agree it was somewhat wordy before. I've cut down on the Punday Monday description, for example, so hopefully it should flow better now.

TWP treaties clause: The list was removed as per Moon's suggestion, and I also accepted Ara's feedback.

NPO introduction clause: All suggestions taken, including adding some context regarding the now-repealed condemnation.

FA revival clause: I unified the two last items since there are more examples of important embassy restorations where Ele was the main person responsible, such as TSP and Europeia (there were other embassies that got restored during that period, such as Balder, but I talked with Xor and she was the main person for that relationship, instead of Ele).

Consul clause: I shortened the role description while expanding on what Ele has done so far. I agree with emphasizing the role of second most endorsements, also added the part of overseeing Senate affairs as commented by Xor, and expanded on the FA part.

Cards and Autism Awareness clauses: Not really any major changes here, I accepted suggestions made by Zukchiva, Moon, Ara and Hulldom here.

Last but not least, with the introduction of the co-author mechanic as an official part of the game, the co-author line is not need anymore, although the credit is of course being kept.
Last edited by Giovanniland on Sun Nov 14, 2021 6:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Giovanniland
Guardian of the West and Minister without Portfolio
Former Speaker of the Hall of Nations of TWP (x3)
Trading Card Collector (#1 for bank, briefly #1 for deck value)
WA Author (SC#364, SC#372, SC#373)

The Kingdom of Giovanniland - Giovannilandian Artwork Ministry - The Collection Collection Thread

User avatar
Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
Posts: 239
Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Sun Nov 14, 2021 9:07 pm

Giovanniland wrote:Current Draft (5000 of 5000 characters): Based.
The Security Council,

Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be a commendable action, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in several major regions By "several", you mean two? This clause is also very verbose, in my opinion, especially as you're at the character limit., but also contributed in other notable interregional acts;

Recognizing Elegarth's long-term service in the West Pacific (TWP), where they were entrusted with the protection of the region as a Guardian of the West and faithfully served in the position from May to November 2015 and September 2016 to July 2017;

Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia (URA) -- mainly for character count purposes's regime in TWP, in which United RussoAsiaURA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian allowed them to create a resistance including several notable residents and other Guardians, and to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected Change "banjected" to "purged" from the region, taking a toll on United RussoAsiaURA's influence and allowing long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

Lauding Elegarth's role in leading TWP after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as Delegate from November 2015 to September 2016, during which they set the foundations for the new government that lasts to the present day, created the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to regional culture by developing the weekly Punday Monday event, promoting creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment;

Impressed by Elegarth's extraordinary ability to improve foreign relations, authoring several treaties during their Delegacy, including but not limited to the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, strengthening the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the long-term friendship between the signatories; and the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and TWP, which created a robust relationship and laid the basis for cultural events and exchanges between the two regions in recent times;

Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state in the Pacific, The Seeker of Power, an ironically benevolent and friendly nation despite its name suggesting power-hungriness, -- I think jokes in SC proposals are nice, especially once you can cut some characters (I personally regret not adding a subtle reference to the nominee's name in SC#360 :P) Obviously up to you but still.and acknowledging its role in rebuilding the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations of harmful acts (such as infiltration of the sinker regions Osiris and Lazarus) that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], an effort that succeeded through the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

Believing that The Seeker of Power played an instrumental role in the Pacific's recovery, restarting its foreign affairs in the position of Legatus, in which they revamped the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilt relations across the multiverse, with examples of such relations being:
  • the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the hosting of interregional events, as seen by the Burning Marsupial festival featuring the two regions and Karma; and
  • the restoration of embassies with the North Pacific, the South Pacific, and Europeia, including non-aggression pacts with the latter two to improve relations as they were previously at odds with the Pacific;
Extolling The Seeker of Power's work as Consul of the Pacific, a position they have held since October 2019 functioning as second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate), in which they have kept the region safe by securing the second highest amount of endorsements for over two years, overseen discussions in the Pacific Senate to ensure government progress, and advancing the region's diplomacy together with the current Legatus (and commended nation) Xoriet through actions like emphasizing cultural interactions and events, and maintaining venues for important discussions with treatied regions; This is way too wordy in my opinion, shortening it would also do you good in terms of character count.

Lionizing Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, being one of the few traders to complete a set of legendary rarity artwork from both the first and second editions, and aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program, training other nations like Vylixan to maintain its activity;

Praising Elegarth's work in spreading awareness about autism throughout the multiverse through the creation of the well-received NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week campaign during the month of April, as well as helping regional events like TWP's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board to break misconceptions about the theme; and

Concluding that Elegarth's contributions to various aspects of the world are worthy of praise and recognition;

Hereby commends Elegarth.


Older drafts:
The Security Council,

Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be a commendable action, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in several major regions, but also contributed in other international acts;

Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia's (URA) despicable regime in the West Pacific (TWP), in which URA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian of the West enabled them to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected from the region, taking a toll on URA's influence and making it easier for long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

Lauding Elegarth's role in leading the West Pacific after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as the regional World Assembly Delegate from 7 November 2015 to 21 September 2016, during which they set the foundations for a new government, aided in regional stability by creating the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to the regional culture by creating events in the Regional Message Board such as the weekly Punday Monday, which still happens to this day and promotes creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment for residents;

Impressed by Elegarth's abilities to improve foreign relations by authoring treaties during their Delegacy of the West Pacific, including but not limited to:
  • the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, confirming the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the long-term friendship between the signatories; and
  • the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and The West Pacific, creating a robust relationship and laying the basis for cultural events and exchanges between the two regions in recent times;
Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state The Seeker of Power residing in the Pacific, and acknowledging The Seeker of Power's important actions in helping the government rebuild the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], which eventually succeeded as seen by the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

Believing one of the main reasons for the Pacific's recovery to be The Seeker of Power's instrumental role in restarting the Pacific's foreign affairs in the position of Legatus, revamping the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilding relations across the multiverse, for example:
  • the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the hosting of interregional events, as seen by the Burning Marsupial festival featuring the two regions and Karma;
  • the non-aggression pacts with Europeia and the South Pacific, allowing for regions previously unfriendly to the Pacific to improve their relations; and
  • the restoration of key embassies with regions such as the North Pacific;
Extolling The Seeker of Power's government position of Consul of the Pacific that they have held since October 2019, a role akin to a Vice-Delegate that functions as the second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate) and keeps the region secure by holding the second highest amount of endorsements in the region; in this position Elegarth has also worked with the current Legatus Xoriet to continue advancing the region's foreign affairs;

Applauding Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, for example being one of the few traders to complete a set of both Season 1 and Season 2 legendary rarity artwork, as well as aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program and training other nations like Vylixan to to maintain its activity;

Praising Elegarth's work on spreading awareness about autism through the multiverse, through the creation of the NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week during the month of April, a well-received international campaign, as well as helping regional events like the West Pacific's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board in which national leaders answered questions to break misconceptions about the theme; and

Concluding that Elegarth's contributions to various aspects of the world are worthy of praise and recognition;

Hereby commends Elegarth.

Co-authored by Aluminum Oxynitride.
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Sun Nov 14, 2021 9:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Card farmer, fenda and filthy cosmo|WA Ambassador: Ambrose Scott|Go admire my factbook and upvote! He or they pronouns.
fenda nations always deserve banjection - Evil Cub
I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
Diagrams of urine were not what I expected to find in NSGP today, but perhaps my expectations were too high - Refuge Isle
SEASON T*REE!

User avatar
Unibot III
Negotiator
 
Posts: 6428
Founded: Mar 11, 2011
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Unibot III » Tue Nov 16, 2021 1:56 pm

Xoriet wrote:. NPO is different from most other regions in that it is quite a complicated matter externally. We don't have the leisure to afford dud officials the way other regions with less concerns and easy PR and FA jobs do.


The Pacific is also different from other regions in that it lacks independence from a organization operating outside of NationStates. Elegarth is a prime example of the colonial/corporate (?) reality for the Pacific.
[violet] wrote:I mean this in the best possible way,
but Unibot is not a typical NS player.
Milograd wrote:You're a caring, resolute lunatic
with the best of intentions.
Org. Join Date: 25/05/2008 | Former Delegate of TRR | Gameplay Alignment: -18 / -13
Unibotian Factbook // Collected works // The Gameplay Alignment Test //
Proudly Authored 9 GA Res., 14 SC Res. // Commended by SC#78

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
✯ Duty is Eternal, Justice is Imminent: UDL

User avatar
Goobergunchia
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 1975
Founded: Antiquity
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Goobergunchia » Wed Nov 17, 2021 4:53 pm

I like the changes -- the Consul clause is much improved, and I think it reads well in isolation.

Having said that, the larger issue I'm having is one of SC consistency. SC#372 condemns Dalimbar for supporting "Wickedly evil people's January 2009 takeover of the West Pacific [...] which influenced the end of democracy in the region and the rise of an authoritarian government based on delegate supremacy that continues to this day". SC#373 condemns Eli for "actively undermin[ing] the existing democratic institutions present in the region for most of its early history, replacing it with governments based on the authoritarian principle of delegate supremacy that goes against the democratic ideals of the Security Council, eventually serving as a basis for later West Pacifican governments to strengthen this principle and allow it to last to the present day". I find this very difficult to square with the draft's language:
Lauding Elegarth's role in leading TWP after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as Delegate from November 2015 to September 2016, during which they set the foundations for the new government that lasts to the present day, created the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to regional culture by developing the weekly Punday Monday event, promoting creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment;

I'm not saying the SC has to be perfectly consistent throughout its twelve-year history, but I do think it would be questionable to pass two resolutions that basically say that forming the current TWP government is Condemnable and then, a month or two later, pass a resolution that says that forming the current government is actually Commendable. It can't be both! (Or if it can, that argument needs to be carefully made.)
(+5175 posts from mostly pre-Jolt)
Making NationStates a different place since 17 May 2003.
ADN Advisor
Nasicournian Officer
Citizen of the Rejected Realms
Discord: Goobergunch#2417
Ideological Bulwark #16
Sponsor, HR#22, SC#4
Rules: GA SC
NS Forum Moderator
For your forum moderation needs: The Moderation Forum
For your in-game moderation needs: The Getting Help Page
What are the rules? See the OSRS.
Who are the mods, anyway?

User avatar
Giovanniland
Diplomat
 
Posts: 654
Founded: Aug 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Giovanniland » Wed Nov 17, 2021 5:40 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Believing the building and strengthening of regional communities to be a commendable action, and introducing Elegarth as a nation that has not only dedicated their time for such in several major regions By "several", you mean two? This clause is also very verbose, in my opinion, especially as you're at the character limit., but also contributed in other notable interregional acts;

Fair enough, changed to two. I've tried to cut a few words from it, though other people did say the introduction was good so I'm not sure on rewriting it entirely.

Apatosaurus wrote:
Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia (URA) -- mainly for character count purposes's regime in TWP, in which United RussoAsiaURA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian allowed them to create a resistance including several notable residents and other Guardians, and to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected Change "banjected" to "purged" from the region, taking a toll on United RussoAsiaURA's influence and allowing long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

I originally thought of abbreviating United RussoAsia as URA, but then realized that it could cause confusion with the United Regions Alliance (also URA) which is also a notable WA influence nowadays. Since I removed a few other things from the proposal, I think it should be fine to not abbreviate. "Purged" sounds somewhat informal to me, though I can change it to something like "banished" if the concern is to not repeat the word banject.

Apatosaurus wrote:
Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state in the Pacific, The Seeker of Power, an ironically benevolent and friendly nation despite its name suggesting power-hungriness, -- I think jokes in SC proposals are nice, especially once you can cut some characters (I personally regret not adding a subtle reference to the nominee's name in SC#360 :P) Obviously up to you but still.and acknowledging its role in rebuilding the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations of harmful acts (such as infiltration of the sinker regions Osiris and Lazarus) that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], an effort that succeeded through the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

While that's creative, I feel like this would make the clause too wordy and confusing. Especially since I had to write and edit this one several times, as I made sure to have a good introduction to the sudden jump to NPO-related clauses and how Elegarth was important for the recovery, while also explaining a bit in the proposal about the original condemnation as per Moon's suggestion.

Apatosaurus wrote:
Extolling The Seeker of Power's work as Consul of the Pacific, a position they have held since October 2019 functioning as second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate), in which they have kept the region safe by securing the second highest amount of endorsements for over two years, overseen discussions in the Pacific Senate to ensure government progress, and advancing the region's diplomacy together with the current Legatus (and commended nation) Xoriet through actions like emphasizing cultural interactions and events, and maintaining venues for important discussions with treatied regions; This is way too wordy in my opinion, shortening it would also do you good in terms of character count.

Thanks for the suggestion, in hindsight I agree that is wordy so I've shortened it while keeping the core information.

Goobergunchia wrote:I like the changes -- the Consul clause is much improved, and I think it reads well in isolation.

Having said that, the larger issue I'm having is one of SC consistency. SC#372 condemns Dalimbar for supporting "Wickedly evil people's January 2009 takeover of the West Pacific [...] which influenced the end of democracy in the region and the rise of an authoritarian government based on delegate supremacy that continues to this day". SC#373 condemns Eli for "actively undermin[ing] the existing democratic institutions present in the region for most of its early history, replacing it with governments based on the authoritarian principle of delegate supremacy that goes against the democratic ideals of the Security Council, eventually serving as a basis for later West Pacifican governments to strengthen this principle and allow it to last to the present day". I find this very difficult to square with the draft's language:
Lauding Elegarth's role in leading TWP after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as Delegate from November 2015 to September 2016, during which they set the foundations for the new government that lasts to the present day, created the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributed to regional culture by developing the weekly Punday Monday event, promoting creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment;

I'm not saying the SC has to be perfectly consistent throughout its twelve-year history, but I do think it would be questionable to pass two resolutions that basically say that forming the current TWP government is Condemnable and then, a month or two later, pass a resolution that says that forming the current government is actually Commendable. It can't be both! (Or if it can, that argument needs to be carefully made.)

You make a very good point actually that I hadn't thought of before. The SC has had some inconsistencies between resolutions before, but I don't want to contribute to that, and this one specifically would be a pretty large inconsistency. Thanks for pointing it out, I've removed that part.
Giovanniland
Guardian of the West and Minister without Portfolio
Former Speaker of the Hall of Nations of TWP (x3)
Trading Card Collector (#1 for bank, briefly #1 for deck value)
WA Author (SC#364, SC#372, SC#373)

The Kingdom of Giovanniland - Giovannilandian Artwork Ministry - The Collection Collection Thread

User avatar
Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
Posts: 239
Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Wed Nov 17, 2021 7:58 pm

Giovanniland wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:
Celebrating Elegarth’s contributions to the downfall of United RussoAsia (URA) -- mainly for character count purposes's regime in TWP, in which United RussoAsiaURA willingly gave control of the region to the invader group DEN and allowed this organization to suppress and banject natives; Elegarth's position of Guardian allowed them to create a resistance including several notable residents and other Guardians, and to reach the second most endorsements before being banjected Change "banjected" to "purged" from the region, taking a toll on United RussoAsiaURA's influence and allowing long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;

I originally thought of abbreviating United RussoAsia as URA, but then realized that it could cause confusion with the United Regions Alliance (also URA) which is also a notable WA influence nowadays. Since I removed a few other things from the proposal, I think it should be fine to not abbreviate. "Purged" sounds somewhat informal to me, though I can change it to something like "banished" if the concern is to not repeat the word banject.

As to the URA abbreviation, okay.
As to "purged" instead of "banished", not really, since recent precedent says no. Obviously up to you though.

Giovanniland wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:
Cognizant of Elegarth's satellite state in the Pacific, The Seeker of Power, an ironically benevolent and friendly nation despite its name suggesting power-hungriness, -- I think jokes in SC proposals are nice, especially once you can cut some characters (I personally regret not adding a subtle reference to the nominee's name in SC#360 :P) Obviously up to you but still.and acknowledging its role in rebuilding the region's credibility after the 2018 revelations of harmful acts (such as infiltration of the sinker regions Osiris and Lazarus) that earned the region a condemnation by [resolution=SC#268]Security Council Resolution #268[/resolution], an effort that succeeded through the recent repeal of the condemnation via [resolution=SC#355]Resolution #355[/resolution];

While that's creative, I feel like this would make the clause too wordy and confusing. Especially since I had to write and edit this one several times, as I made sure to have a good introduction to the sudden jump to NPO-related clauses and how Elegarth was important for the recovery, while also explaining a bit in the proposal about the original condemnation as per Moon's suggestion.

While I disagree, that's fine I suppose :p
Card farmer, fenda and filthy cosmo|WA Ambassador: Ambrose Scott|Go admire my factbook and upvote! He or they pronouns.
fenda nations always deserve banjection - Evil Cub
I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
Diagrams of urine were not what I expected to find in NSGP today, but perhaps my expectations were too high - Refuge Isle
SEASON T*REE!

User avatar
Guess and Check
Secretary
 
Posts: 28
Founded: Mar 26, 2018
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Guess and Check » Sun Nov 21, 2021 8:57 pm

feedback redux

I noticed that a lot of my feedback this time was on reducing commas. I think you tend to use a lot of appositives, or those clauses that just add extra information like I'm doing right now, which can somewhat inhibit how well your resolution moves from one idea to the next. These aren't inherently bad as all your sentences are pretty clean with no run-ons as a result of the commas, but you can stand to loosen up a tiny bit in some areas to prevent so many pauses.

Of course this is sill extremely well-written either way, but anyways here ya go feedback redux for realsies

Elegarth's position of Guardian allowed them to create a resistance including several notable residents and other Guardians, and to reach the second most endorsements before being banished from the region, taking a toll on United RussoAsia's influence and allowing long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;
I think this clause can be restructured a bit better, primarily the first part about the resistance and the endorsements thing.

Lauding Elegarth's role in leading TWP after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as Delegate from November 2015 to September 2016, including but not limited to creating the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributing to regional culture by developing the weekly Punday Monday event, promoting creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment;
"including but not limited to" doesn't seem to work well here because there's nothing before that to work off. Would choose another phrase to transition into Ele's works as delegate.

Impressed by Elegarth's extraordinary ability to improve foreign relations, by authoring several treaties during their Delegacy, including but not limited to the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, strengthening the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the signatories' long-term friendshipbetween the signatories; and the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and TWP, which created a robust relationship and laid the basis for cultural events and exchanges that occur to this daybetween the two regions in recent times;
The first two edits I think are important to lesson commas; the others are just stylistic but could be nice to add I think

Believing that The Seeker of Power played an instrumental role in the Pacific's recovery, via restarting its foreign affairsin the position of as Legatus, in which they revamped the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilt the Pacific's relations across the multiverse, with examples of such relations being:
Also to help flow

the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the co-hosting of interregional events, as seen by the Burning Marsupial festival featuring the two regions and Karma
I think there's too many commas here, but not sure how to fix it really.

including non-aggression pacts with the latter two as a sign of stepping forward past regional greviancesto improve relations as they were previously at odds with the Pacific;
More stylistic, just trying to help this flow better

Extolling The Seeker of Power's work as Consul of the Pacific, a position held since October 2019 as second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate), in which they continuously ensure regional have ensured safety by having the second highest amount of regional endorsements for overtwo years running, oversee discussions in the Pacific Senate to ensure government progress, and advance diplomacy with the current Legatus (and commended nation) Xoriet through emphasizing cultural events andinteractions and , as well as maintaining venues for important discussions with treatied alliesregions;
Most of the edits are to maintain parallel structure (or doing my best to), as well as simplifying the last bit to remove a comma

Lionizing Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, by being one of the few traders to complete a set of legendary rarity artwork from both the first and second editions, and by aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program, by training other nations like Vylixan to maintain its activity;
getting rid of commaaaassss

Praising Elegarth's work in spreading awareness about autism throughout the multiverse through the creation of the well-received NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week campaign during the month of April, as well as helping regional events like TWP's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board to break misconceptions about the theme; and
Would just add "run" right after helping

Concluding that Elegarth's contributions to various aspects of the world are worthy of praise and recognition;
Maybe insert "immense" before praise? Just a stylistic suggestion
Last edited by Guess and Check on Sun Nov 21, 2021 9:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I am Zukchiva, the weirdo

User avatar
Giovanniland
Diplomat
 
Posts: 654
Founded: Aug 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Giovanniland » Tue Nov 23, 2021 3:46 pm

Guess and Check wrote:feedback redux

I noticed that a lot of my feedback this time was on reducing commas. I think you tend to use a lot of appositives, or those clauses that just add extra information like I'm doing right now, which can somewhat inhibit how well your resolution moves from one idea to the next. These aren't inherently bad as all your sentences are pretty clean with no run-ons as a result of the commas, but you can stand to loosen up a tiny bit in some areas to prevent so many pauses.

Of course this is sill extremely well-written either way, but anyways here ya go feedback redux for realsies

Elegarth's position of Guardian allowed them to create a resistance including several notable residents and other Guardians, and to reach the second most endorsements before being banished from the region, taking a toll on United RussoAsia's influence and allowing long-term resident Mediobogdum to retake the Delegacy soon after;
I think this clause can be restructured a bit better, primarily the first part about the resistance and the endorsements thing.

Sounds fair, I've rewritten it so that all sentences are tied to each other without that semi-colon, so hopefully it should look better.

Guess and Check wrote:
Lauding Elegarth's role in leading TWP after Mediobogdum's transitional delegacy by serving as Delegate from November 2015 to September 2016, including but not limited to creating the Code of Conduct that outlines the rules for a healthy community, and contributing to regional culture by developing the weekly Punday Monday event, promoting creative wordplay and jokes as a source of activity and entertainment;
"including but not limited to" doesn't seem to work well here because there's nothing before that to work off. Would choose another phrase to transition into Ele's works as delegate.

Changed it to "during which they created...", also changing the verb tense of contributing as well.

Guess and Check wrote:
Impressed by Elegarth's extraordinary ability to improve foreign relations, by authoring several treaties during their Delegacy, including but not limited to the re-ratification of the TWP-Equilism Treaty, strengthening the original version signed in 2013 and furthering the signatories' long-term friendshipbetween the signatories; and the Treaty of Friendship between Europeia and TWP, which created a robust relationship and laid the basis for cultural events and exchanges that occur to this daybetween the two regions in recent times;
The first two edits I think are important to lesson commas; the others are just stylistic but could be nice to add I think

Believing that The Seeker of Power played an instrumental role in the Pacific's recovery, via restarting its foreign affairsin the position of as Legatus, in which they revamped the region's diplomatic corps membership and rebuilt the Pacific's relations across the multiverse, with examples of such relations being:
Also to help flow

All done, thanks.

Guess and Check wrote:
the Better Together treaty with TWP, which encouraged the co-hosting of interregional events, as seen by the Burning Marsupial festival featuring the two regions and Karma
I think there's too many commas here, but not sure how to fix it really.

Perhaps "...events such as the Burning Marsupial festival"? One comma will have to stay so it doesn't become a run-on sentence, but I've removed the other.

Guess and Check wrote:
including non-aggression pacts with the latter two as a sign of stepping forward past regional greviancesto improve relations as they were previously at odds with the Pacific;
More stylistic, just trying to help this flow better

Extolling The Seeker of Power's work as Consul of the Pacific, a position held since October 2019 as second-in-command to the Emperor (Delegate), in which they continuously ensure regional have ensured safety by having the second highest amount of regional endorsements for overtwo years running, oversee discussions in the Pacific Senate to ensure government progress, and advance diplomacy with the current Legatus (and commended nation) Xoriet through emphasizing cultural events andinteractions and , as well as maintaining venues for important discussions with treatied alliesregions;
Most of the edits are to maintain parallel structure (or doing my best to), as well as simplifying the last bit to remove a comma

Those suggestions also look good, I think I've added all of them.

Guess and Check wrote:
Lionizing Elegarth's contributions to the international artwork community, by being one of the few traders to complete a set of legendary rarity artwork from both the first and second editions, and by aiding in the development of the Pacific's regional artwork program, by training other nations like Vylixan to maintain its activity;
getting rid of commaaaassss

Sounds good, but reads to me as overusing "by" a little too much in my opinion, I think the first two can be used but maybe the last one works better with "through"?

Guess and Check wrote:
Praising Elegarth's work in spreading awareness about autism throughout the multiverse through the creation of the well-received NationStates' Autism Acceptance and Education Week campaign during the month of April, as well as helping regional events like TWP's Autism Awareness Month in 2020, which featured a question and answer event on the Regional Message Board to break misconceptions about the theme; and
Would just add "run" right after helping

Concluding that Elegarth's contributions to various aspects of the world are worthy of praise and recognition;
Maybe insert "immense" before praise? Just a stylistic suggestion

And as for these two ones, also accepted these additions. Thanks for the feedback!
Giovanniland
Guardian of the West and Minister without Portfolio
Former Speaker of the Hall of Nations of TWP (x3)
Trading Card Collector (#1 for bank, briefly #1 for deck value)
WA Author (SC#364, SC#372, SC#373)

The Kingdom of Giovanniland - Giovannilandian Artwork Ministry - The Collection Collection Thread

User avatar
Guess and Check
Secretary
 
Posts: 28
Founded: Mar 26, 2018
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Guess and Check » Tue Nov 23, 2021 5:52 pm

[quote="Giovanniland";p="39166981"][/quote]

Using through should be fine yeah, and np!
I am Zukchiva, the weirdo

User avatar
Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
Posts: 239
Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Fri Nov 26, 2021 5:20 pm

No more feedback, full support.
Card farmer, fenda and filthy cosmo|WA Ambassador: Ambrose Scott|Go admire my factbook and upvote! He or they pronouns.
fenda nations always deserve banjection - Evil Cub
I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
Diagrams of urine were not what I expected to find in NSGP today, but perhaps my expectations were too high - Refuge Isle
SEASON T*REE!

User avatar
Quebecshire
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 484
Founded: Mar 17, 2017
Democratic Socialists

Postby Quebecshire » Sat Nov 27, 2021 12:42 pm

Late to the party, but full support. Well written and good nominee.
Consul and LDF Command of The League
Warden-Lieutenant in The Order of the Grey Wardens
Public Relations Director of NationStates Today
Player Résumé
"Quebecshire has proven time and time again that he is perfectly capable of standing in front of a room, full of people who hate him and continuing to defend his views." - Redacted
"[Quebec is] one of the pettiest individuals it has ever been the human race's misfortunate to spawn." - RCN
"I hope you retire ASAP so LDF doesn't become just another anal-retentive defender org." - RiderSyl
"I find it disappointing that Quebec has posted without saying cope." - Fauxia
"Quebec himself is unconventional." - Xoriet

User avatar
Queen Yuno
Diplomat
 
Posts: 746
Founded: Dec 30, 2015
Psychotic Dictatorship

Postby Queen Yuno » Sun Nov 28, 2021 12:21 pm

FULL SUPPORT!!!! This is awesome;

A wonderful nominee. Kind, impressively brilliant and with unique skills, Elegarth never let go of his integrity, in spite of his accomplishments in NS. Throughout all these years, he always stayed true to himself. I absolutely support this proposal and this nominee is well deserving of being proud of all he's accomplished, in both TWP, TWPAF and NPO and more. Elegarth has left a lasting, positive impact on so many people's lives.
Someday it is the women who rule the world instead of men as civilization advances.
I do free grammar checks! Telegram me for Discord!

"Vote early, vote often." -Pallaith
Sierra Lyricalia wrote:
Galiantus III wrote:


...is there a reason the logo for the anti-NPO New Year's jumpers looks like the butt and legs of a kneeling naked lady? :unsure:


Imperium Anglorum wrote:Lol badge hunting accusations against people who already have the badge. You don't get your whole page covered in badges when you pass more resolutions, you know.


Vancouvia wrote:
Vancouvia wrote:

Alright my bad I guess I'll check back in December 21st


No way

Next

Advertisement

Remove ads

Return to Security Council

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Dusandria Founder, Fujai, Google Adsense [Bot], HumanSanity, Praeceps, Roavin, Sky Point, Tinhampton

Advertisement

Remove ads