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[DEFEATED] Commend Joe Bobs

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 22, 2021 9:50 pm

Outer Sparta wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:After multiple regional votes turned out against, I have chosen to withdraw this from queue for further drafting. However, I will be resubmitting later (theoretically in a 1/2 weeks)

I don't know how you will magically get regional support in a half a week unless you shore up your argument and make further changes.

Yeah that's the point :p
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Postby Wayneactia » Fri Oct 22, 2021 9:51 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:After multiple regional votes turned out against, I have chosen to withdraw this from queue for further drafting. However, I will be resubmitting later (theoretically in a 1/2 weeks)

Are we going to get some actual meat in the meatloaf this time, or just more and more filler?
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Postby Outer Sparta » Fri Oct 22, 2021 9:53 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Outer Sparta wrote:I don't know how you will magically get regional support in a half a week unless you shore up your argument and make further changes.

Yeah that's the point :p

You pretty much see the writing on the wall with this one, but a half of a week is not enough to fix the deficiencies of your draft. If you wish to continue drafting, then do it for longer and see how it goes.
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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 22, 2021 9:55 pm

Outer Sparta wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Yeah that's the point :p

You pretty much see the writing on the wall with this one, but a half of a week is not enough to fix the deficiencies of your draft. If you wish to continue drafting, then do it for longer and see how it goes.

Wait, I meant 1 or 2 weeks by "1/2 weeks" not half a week :p sorry for not being clear on that.
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Postby Outer Sparta » Fri Oct 22, 2021 10:00 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Outer Sparta wrote:You pretty much see the writing on the wall with this one, but a half of a week is not enough to fix the deficiencies of your draft. If you wish to continue drafting, then do it for longer and see how it goes.

Wait, I meant 1 or 2 weeks by "1/2 weeks" not half a week :p sorry for not being clear on that.

I thought that the slash basically meant half. Using something like "1-2 weeks" or "1 to 2 weeks" would make it more clear.
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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Fri Oct 22, 2021 10:05 pm

Outer Sparta wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Wait, I meant 1 or 2 weeks by "1/2 weeks" not half a week :p sorry for not being clear on that.

I thought that the slash basically meant half. Using something like "1-2 weeks" or "1 to 2 weeks" would make it more clear.

Yeah, edited it to make that clearer.
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[PULLED FROM QUEUE FOR FURTHER DRAFTING] Commend Joe Bobs

Postby El Tejon » Sat Oct 23, 2021 7:49 am

I feel like the best course of action for this proposal is to highlight the entirety of it, perhaps even hitting "select all". Then pressing the backspace button....

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Sat Oct 23, 2021 7:15 pm

There is a new draft now.
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Sat Oct 23, 2021 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sincluda » Sat Oct 23, 2021 10:58 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Delighted that Joe Bobs became a significant contributor to regional politics within Q102, most notably introducing a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development, as well as being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era and increased the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months,

This reads pretty confusingly, and it feels like you're talking about Europa instead of Joe Bobs. Throw in a comma at the least, or change up the sentences to separate Europa from the rest of the information.
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Postby Apatosaurus » Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:05 pm

Sincluda wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:
Delighted that Joe Bobs became a significant contributor to regional politics within Q102, most notably introducing a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development, as well as being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era and increased the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months,

This reads pretty confusingly, and it feels like you're talking about Europa instead of Joe Bobs. Throw in a comma at the least, or change up the sentences to separate Europa from the rest of the information.

This better?
Delighted that Joe Bobs became a significant contributor to regional politics within Q102, most notably being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era and increased the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months, as well as introducing a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,
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Postby Sincluda » Sat Oct 23, 2021 11:06 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Sincluda wrote:This reads pretty confusingly, and it feels like you're talking about Europa instead of Joe Bobs. Throw in a comma at the least, or change up the sentences to separate Europa from the rest of the information.

This better?
Delighted that Joe Bobs became a significant contributor to regional politics within Q102, most notably being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era and increased the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months, as well as introducing a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,

Yep!
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Postby Tinhampton » Sun Oct 24, 2021 4:39 am

How big was Q102 at the time that Joe Bobs could only increase its population by "18% in... three months?" :P
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Postby Apatosaurus » Sun Oct 24, 2021 11:42 am

Tinhampton wrote:How big was Q102 at the time that Joe Bobs could only increase its population by "18% in... three months?" :P

82 -> 97 :p (source).
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Postby Tinhampton » Sun Oct 24, 2021 12:01 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Tinhampton wrote:How big was Q102 at the time that Joe Bobs could only increase its population by "18% in... three months?" :P

82 -> 97 :p (source).

Not bad, especially since the world only had 105k nations at the time. On the other hand, however, Joe Bobs did not succeed in increasing Q102's population to 100, never mind 150 - even if it positively crashed after he left the job.
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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Sun Oct 24, 2021 1:02 pm

Tinhampton wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:82 -> 97 :p (source).

Not bad, especially since the world only had 105k nations at the time. On the other hand, however, Joe Bobs did not succeed in increasing Q102's population to 100, never mind 150 - even if it positively crashed after he left the job.

Yeah, there's a reason that his Delegacy is not mentioned, as it was largely an average delegacy (despite the campaign).
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Postby Debussy » Mon Oct 25, 2021 1:11 am

A 9 player region I am suppose to care about in this age, against.

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Postby Giovanniland » Mon Oct 25, 2021 2:28 am

Debussy wrote:A 9 player region I am suppose to care about in this age, against.

That shouldn't decide one's vote for or against, as an example regions like Atlantic and Gatesville have been condemned way after they ceased activities just as a way of recognizing their impact in NationStates history.
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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Mon Oct 25, 2021 11:11 am

Debussy wrote:A 9 player region I am suppose to care about in this age, against.

Yeah, because 16 years ago it had over 100 nations as per what Tin linked above, and even at the time Joe Bobs did most of his contributions to Q102 it had 80 - 100 population? That's how historical commends work :P

EDIT: Oh, I realised you meant the GRA. They still co-founded one of the largest defender organisations that lasted for decade, and at one point had well over 500 nations.
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Mon Oct 25, 2021 12:29 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
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Postby Thousand Branches » Mon Oct 25, 2021 12:24 pm

As requested, a second round of edits.

And a little tip:

Variety my friend! Variety! You have a tendency to use the same words and the same wordings a lot. Next time you write a resolution (or even this time), be more conscious of that. You can have a style and a tone but each clause should still stand alone in its own right.

Apatosaurus wrote:Noting that Joe Bobs has been an exemplary contributor to various historically significant regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, as well as the noble cause of defending,

The use of “various” and “such as” suggests that there are more examples than just the ones mentioned. Is this true? If not, I’d reword it.

“as well as the” should be “and to”

Apatosaurus wrote: Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a nation of penguins in Q102, where it had garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:

Remove “had”. Also maybe remove “internal and external”, seems unnecessary.

Apatosaurus wrote: Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War within the nation of Joe Bobs, to the point of documenting foreign aid to the same level of detail,

“reliable” works as a descriptor, but something like “exemplary” might sound a little more commend-y.

“best displayed” should be something like “whose works are best displayed”. You are talking about a person at this moment, not a practice.

“within the nation of joe bobs” is unnecessary considering you just noted that it was their own civil war. That’s literally the definition of a civil war :p

Because of that lest edit, I would reword “to the point of documenting foreign aid to the same level of detail” as something more like “even documenting such things as foreign aid to the same level of detail”.

Apatosaurus wrote: Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs to astonishing levels of detail, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring nation of Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and

Replace the first “which” with “that”. Restrictive clause moment.

First “to” should be “in” or “with”.

Apatosaurus wrote: Being incredibly utopian, notably through its universal healthcare, strong stance against capital punishment, support of the environment and extensive protections for animal rights,

Seriously, what does this specific clause mean? If it’s rp or a dispatch or something, I’d really like to see the reference for it and you really might try and clear it up that this isn’t about stats because it really really sounds like it.

Apatosaurus wrote: Delighted that Joe Bobs became a significant contributor to regional politics within Q102, most notably being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era and increased the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months; and introducing a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,


Full rewrite suggestion (too many edits):

“Delighted by Joe Bobs’ contributions to regional politics within Q102, especially through their work as an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister, its diligence in recruitment helping to build Q102 into one of the most active regions of its era and increasing its size by over 18% in only 3 months; Joe Bobs also introduced a formal alliance with Europa, which henceforth became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,”

Look good?

Apatosaurus wrote: Aware that Joe Bobs founded the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 learn about various subjects, and then went on to teach various subjects there such as Philosophy, Literature and NationStates history, and was a central figure in the creation of the Q102 Hall of Fame, allowing the best contributors to Q102 to be officially recognised within the region,

“aware of”, much like a lot of these openers, is really neutral. I know the commend-y words are used a lot but also yeah, it is a resolution meant to commend em.

“Q102 learn” —> “Q102 could learn”

“and then went” should be “going”

Hall of fame stuff seems really unrelated to the rest of the clause, if anything I’d do a second sentence for it?

Apatosaurus wrote: Applauding Joe Bobs' founding of the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, one of the largest historic inter-regional coalitions that included over 500 individual members and many noteworthy regions such as The New Meritocracy and Belgium; the Anti-Racism Coalition went on to aid in the fight against the reprehensible ideologies of Nazism and racism,

Maybe do a different word than “founding” considering that’s what you started the last clause with.

“One of the largest historic” would be better as “formerly one of the largest”.

I might reorder this clause, write what the organization was in the first sentence and then moving the numbers after the semicolon. People care more about the point than the size.

Apatosaurus wrote: Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), whose community it worked tirelessly to build, notably by:

Reword:

“Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), working tirelessly to build its community by:”

Better.

Apatosaurus wrote: Helping start the “rotatorship” around 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,

Why “around”? Do you not know the exact times? It would sound better as just “in”.

Apatosaurus wrote: Reorganising the Ministry of Internal Affairs as President by dividing it into the Ministries of Culture and of Activity, allowing for more focus on both departments which also allowed for the creation of the GRA Economy program overseen by Joe Bobs, encouraging government participation by rewarding "cash" for participation, and

British person! I will never not make fun of British spellings, it’s just too funny :p

Should it be “President of the GRA”? I feel like just saying “President” is kinda unclear?

Also first “by” could just be a comma. “Culture and of Activity” should be “Culture and Activity”. Comma after “Activity” should be “, and”.

“which also allowed” should be “and allowing”.

Apatosaurus wrote: Helping rebuild the GRA Defence Forces (GRADF) from a relatively inactive state around 2010, which helped make the GRADF a dominant force in defending again,

“Helping rebuild” should be “Helping to rebuild”.

“from” should be “after”

“, which helped make” should be “and making”

Apatosaurus wrote: Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by serving as Foreign Affairs Minister, building embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus and the Rejected Realms, and serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,

Oh my god this is still so confusing. Literally mate, just make it a list or more than one clause. You’re like trying to shove an entire plate of pasta into the mouth of an aristocratic lady. There’s a lotta shit here, make it mean something by not stuffing it all in one place.

Apatosaurus wrote: Celebrating that Joe Bobs also contributed to the the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), where it participated in countless defensive operations abroad, and held a very successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; among other things, as Arch-Chancellor Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following invasions,

Rewrite because this reads exactly like every other clause (seriously m8 you need to work on your variety :p):

“Celebrating Joe Bobs’ work with the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), participating in countless defensive operations abroad and holding a very successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014 where, during that term, they took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following invasions,”

Better? Sure is.

Apatosaurus wrote: Extolling Joe Bobs' work in compiling the histories of various significant regions; Joe Bobs authored the "General History of the GRA", an in-depth documentation of the history of the GRA, and as Arch-Chancellor of the FRA, created a public library of the history of multiple important regions such as United Kingdom, and


There ya go Apa, you were asking for it :p Hope it was helpful (and somehow different than my earlier comments).

Have a good day,

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Mon Oct 25, 2021 1:29 pm

Thousand Branches wrote:As requested, a second round of edits.

And a little tip:

Variety my friend! Variety! You have a tendency to use the same words and the same wordings a lot. Next time you write a resolution (or even this time), be more conscious of that. You can have a style and a tone but each clause should still stand alone in its own right.

Yep, thanks!

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Noting that Joe Bobs has been an exemplary contributor to various historically significant regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, as well as the noble cause of defending,

The use of “various” and “such as” suggests that there are more examples than just the ones mentioned. Is this true? If not, I’d reword it.

Not really, though the nominee has been in regions that aren't mentioned (for example was in Europa for a bit, and was involved in TRR especially through their regional newspaper, just not really significantly). Anyway, I axed the examples of regions and mostly reworded it (also to save character count).

Thousand Branches wrote:“as well as the” should be “and to”

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a nation of penguins in Q102, where it had garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:

Remove “had”. Also maybe remove “internal and external”, seems unnecessary.

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War within the nation of Joe Bobs, to the point of documenting foreign aid to the same level of detail,

“reliable” works as a descriptor, but something like “exemplary” might sound a little more commend-y.

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:“best displayed” should be something like “whose works are best displayed”. You are talking about a person at this moment, not a practice

Fixed.

Thousand Branches wrote:“within the nation of joe bobs” is unnecessary considering you just noted that it was their own civil war. That’s literally the definition of a civil war :p

Why that was added:
Emodea wrote:
Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,

What's the Bobbian Civil War and why should an average reader care about it? Need more details and emphasis on its significance here.

That said, I'm happy to remove it, so done.

Thousand Branches wrote:Because of that lest edit, I would reword “to the point of documenting foreign aid to the same level of detail” as something more like “even documenting such things as foreign aid to the same level of detail”.

Also done :P

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs to astonishing levels of detail, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring nation of Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and

Replace the first “which” with “that”. Restrictive clause moment.

First “to” should be “in” or “with”.

Done lol

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Being incredibly utopian, notably through its universal healthcare, strong stance against capital punishment, support of the environment and extensive protections for animal rights,

Seriously, what does this specific clause mean? If it’s rp or a dispatch or something, I’d really like to see the reference for it and you really might try and clear it up that this isn’t about stats because it really really sounds like it.

Here is the main source for that section.
Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Delighted that Joe Bobs became a significant contributor to regional politics within Q102, most notably being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era and increased the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months; and introducing a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,


Full rewrite suggestion (too many edits):

“Delighted by Joe Bobs’ contributions to regional politics within Q102, especially through their work as an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister, its diligence in recruitment helping to build Q102 into one of the most active regions of its era and increasing its size by over 18% in only 3 months; Joe Bobs also introduced a formal alliance with Europa, which henceforth became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,”

Look good?

Accepted.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Aware that Joe Bobs founded the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 learn about various subjects, and then went on to teach various subjects there such as Philosophy, Literature and NationStates history, and was a central figure in the creation of the Q102 Hall of Fame, allowing the best contributors to Q102 to be officially recognised within the region,

“aware of”, much like a lot of these openers, is really neutral. I know the commend-y words are used a lot but also yeah, it is a resolution meant to commend em.

*Goes to a thesaurus dinosaur* yes I had to make the joke
Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:“Q102 learn” —> “Q102 could learn”

Fixed, that was probably a mistake when copying something.

“and then went” should be “going”

Thousand Branches wrote:Hall of fame stuff seems really unrelated to the rest of the clause, if anything I’d do a second sentence for it?

Yeah, that's there because it used to be a list I broke into clauses because people had said it was too listy. I'm worried that splitting that up again might result in 2 clauses that are too short?

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Applauding Joe Bobs' founding of the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, one of the largest historic inter-regional coalitions that included over 500 individual members and many noteworthy regions such as The New Meritocracy and Belgium; the Anti-Racism Coalition went on to aid in the fight against the reprehensible ideologies of Nazism and racism,

Maybe do a different word than “founding” considering that’s what you started the last clause with.

Alternatively I just changed "founded" to "created" in the clause before xD

Thousand Branches wrote:“One of the largest historic” would be better as “formerly one of the largest”.

I might reorder this clause, write what the organization was in the first sentence and then moving the numbers after the semicolon. People care more about the point than the size.

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), whose community it worked tirelessly to build, notably by:

Reword:

“Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), working tirelessly to build its community by:”

Better.

Accepted.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Helping start the “rotatorship” around 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,

Why “around”? Do you not know the exact times? It would sound better as just “in”.

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Reorganising the Ministry of Internal Affairs as President by dividing it into the Ministries of Culture and of Activity, allowing for more focus on both departments which also allowed for the creation of the GRA Economy program overseen by Joe Bobs, encouraging government participation by rewarding "cash" for participation, and

British person! I will never not make fun of British spellings, it’s just too funny :p

I'm not British, I'm from New Zealand! :P

Thousand Branches wrote:Should it be “President of the GRA”? I feel like just saying “President” is kinda unclear?

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:Also first “by” could just be a comma.

Hmm, I think it reads better with by, though I'm open to changing it if people disagree.

Thousand Branches wrote:“Culture and of Activity” should be “Culture and Activity”

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:Comma after “Activity” should be “, and”.

Why?

Thousand Branches wrote:“which also allowed” should be “and allowing”.

Done (though I also changed "allowing" to "resulting in").

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Helping rebuild the GRA Defence Forces (GRADF) from a relatively inactive state around 2010, which helped make the GRADF a dominant force in defending again,

“Helping rebuild” should be “Helping to rebuild”.

Done.

Thousand Branches wrote:“from” should be “after”

Again, I think it reads better like it is now, but if people disagree I'm open to changing it.

Thousand Branches wrote:“, which helped make” should be “and making”

Done (though a variation :p)

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by serving as Foreign Affairs Minister, building embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus and the Rejected Realms, and serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,

Oh my god this is still so confusing. Literally mate, just make it a list or more than one clause. You’re like trying to shove an entire plate of pasta into the mouth of an aristocratic lady. There’s a lotta shit here, make it mean something by not stuffing it all in one place.

Alright, split it into two.
Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ work in helping get the GRA's Foreign Affairs set up after the region was relaunched in 2014 as Minister of Foreign Affairs, building diplomatic relations with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus and the Rejected Realms,

Cognizant that Joe Bobs also helped rebuild much of the region's infrastructure after the relaunch as Speaker and First Minister, most notably the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession, as well as restarting the rotatorship,


Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Celebrating that Joe Bobs also contributed to the the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), where it participated in countless defensive operations abroad, and held a very successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; among other things, as Arch-Chancellor Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following invasions,

Rewrite because this reads exactly like every other clause (seriously m8 you need to work on your variety :p)

“Celebrating Joe Bobs’ work with the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), participating in countless defensive operations abroad and holding a very successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014 where, during that term, they took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following invasions,”

Better? Sure is.

Sure. I also brought back the FRAVision section as I have more character count to work with since the changes.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Extolling Joe Bobs' work in compiling the histories of various significant regions; Joe Bobs authored the "General History of the GRA", an in-depth documentation of the history of the GRA, and as Arch-Chancellor of the FRA, created a public library of the history of multiple important regions such as United Kingdom, and

(Yes, I reworded that too xD)

Thousand Branches wrote:There ya go Apa, you were asking for it :p Hope it was helpful (and somehow different than my earlier comments).

Have a good day,

-A

Thanks! :D
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Thousand Branches
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 195
Founded: Jun 03, 2021
Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Postby Thousand Branches » Mon Oct 25, 2021 5:37 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:Not really, though the nominee has been in regions that aren't mentioned (for example was in Europa for a bit, and was involved in TRR especially through their regional newspaper, just not really significantly). Anyway, I axed the examples of regions and mostly reworded it (also to save character count).

Fair enough, looks better and cleaner

Apatosaurus wrote:Here is the main source for that section.

Ah, fair enough. You still might make that a bit clearer? Maybe that’s just me.

Apatosaurus wrote: Yeah, that's there because it used to be a list I broke into clauses because people had said it was too listy. I'm worried that splitting that up again might result in 2 clauses that are too short?

Hmm I guess that’s up to you. Still looks weird.

Apatosaurus wrote: I'm not British, I'm from New Zealand! :P

Hmm maybe recognizing is an American spelling :0 “Am I the weird one??!”

Apatosaurus wrote: Why?

Just flows better idk :p
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Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
Posts: 239
Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:07 pm

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Not really, though the nominee has been in regions that aren't mentioned (for example was in Europa for a bit, and was involved in TRR especially through their regional newspaper, just not really significantly). Anyway, I axed the examples of regions and mostly reworded it (also to save character count).

Fair enough, looks better and cleaner

Cool.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Here is the main source for that section.

Ah, fair enough. You still might make that a bit clearer? Maybe that’s just me.

Should I change it to something like this to make that clearer?
Showing dedication to utopian policies, notably through its universal healthcare, strong opposition to the death penalty, support of the environment and extensive protections of animal rights,


Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: Yeah, that's there because it used to be a list I broke into clauses because people had said it was too listy. I'm worried that splitting that up again might result in 2 clauses that are too short?

Hmm I guess that’s up to you. Still looks weird.

Ok, I just think it's not worth 2 very short clauses.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote: I'm not British, I'm from New Zealand! :P

Hmm maybe recognizing is an American spelling :0 “Am I the weird one??!”

Yes.

Thousand Branches wrote:
Apatosaurus wrote:Why?

Just flows better idk :p
[/quote]
Open to changing it if people disagree, but I disagree because "allowing for more focus on both departments" is the direct result of "Reorganising the Ministry of Internal Affairs as GRA President by dividing it into the Ministries of Culture and Activity" and putting the word "and" between them seems strange in context.
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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fenda nations always deserve banjection - Evil Cub
I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
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Apatosaurus
Envoy
 
Posts: 239
Founded: Jul 17, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Apatosaurus » Sun Oct 31, 2021 10:35 am

Submitting in about 2 - 3 days.

Hello Delegate %NATION%!

I am Apatosaurus, a past WA author and I am asking you to approve my updated SC proposal to Commend Joe Bobs (for the record, this was previously submitted but pulled from queue for further drafting).

This is a nominee who contributed to multiple regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, to an outstanding extent, as well as being a famous defender at the time. Some of this nominee's many achievements include:

- Helping build Q102 into one of the biggest and most significant regions,
- Founding the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, a large coalition against racism and nazism that grew to over 500 members,
- Helping build the Global Right Alliance, a famous defender region, both by building its military and building regional culture and infrastructure, and
- Compiling the histories of many regions, such as the Global Right Alliance and United Kingdom.

If you agree that this nominee has earned the award, then go approve this!

Feel free to telegram back if you have any questions ^-^

- [nation=long]Apatosaurus[/nation]
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Sun Oct 31, 2021 6:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Card farmer, fenda and filthy cosmo|WA Ambassador: Ambrose Scott|Go admire my factbook and upvote! He or they pronouns.
fenda nations always deserve banjection - Evil Cub
I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort. - Altmoras
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Zukchiva
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 161
Founded: Dec 06, 2017
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Zukchiva » Sun Oct 31, 2021 3:29 pm

This is in a much better state than I last saw it. I'd go to say that the current draft is probably convincing enough to me, although I'm not sure if it's convincing enough to the general SC voter pool. I also feel like there's a lot that can be more specified, and this resolution can use some smoothing over to flow better.

So my feedback:
Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a member of Q102, where it already garnered praise for its admirable government policies, especially:
Having one of the most exemplary historians in NationStates, whose works are best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, even documenting foreign aid to the same level of detail,
Running an extremely reliable News Agency that has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs in astonishing levels of detail, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring nation of Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and
Showing dedication to utopian policies, notably through its universal healthcare, strong opposition to the death penalty, support of the environment and extensive protections of animal rights,
While I personally think the roleplay is fine, you're probably going to face some difficulty in getting people to see this clause as commendable, given this isn't coming from a person relatively well-known today as an RPer or one that has an extensive history of on-site RP.

I don't think there's a way to fix that, just something to be noted.

and its introduction of a formal alliance with Europa, which became a close ally of Q102 and was notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development,
Instead of detailing Europa was, it may be a better idea to focus on the two's relationship. How was it close? Did Europa end up helping out Q102 in certain situatiosn? Did they do anything together? etc.

Dignifying that Joe Bobs created the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 could learn about various subjects, then going on to teach various subjects there such as Philosophy, Literature and NationStates history, and was a central figure in the creation of the Q102 Hall of Fame, allowing the best contributors to Q102 to be officially recognised within the region,

Applauding Joe Bobs' founding of the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, once one of the largest inter-regional coalitions, that went on to aid in the fight against the reprehensible ideologies of Nazism and racism, and included over 500 individual members as well as noteworthy regions such as The New Meritocracy and Belgium,
These read a bit clunky and could use some rewording to flow better. "Dignifying" seems like a weird action choice here.

Also, did Joe Bobs actually do anything for the Anti-Racism Coalition? One can found something then let someone else do all the work (given everything in this thread that doesn't sound like Joe Bobs at all, but the resolution doesn't show that). It would be best to reword that clause to explain Joe's contribution the org.

Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), working tirelessly to build its community, most notably by:
Helping start the “rotatorship” in 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,
Also a bit clunky and can be reworded a bit better.

Building diplomatic relations with many significant regions as Minister of Foreign Affairs, such as The East Pacific, Europeia and 10000 Islands,
As I've said before, this doesn't really tell me anything. You need to explain why these relationships matter besides these relationships being significant. Did GRA do anything notable with these relations?

Alternatively, you could consider nixing this clause and dedicating the characters elsewhere.

Reorganising the Ministry of Internal Affairs as GRA President by dividing it into the Ministries of Culture and Activity, allowing for more focus on both departments and resulting in the creation of the GRA Economy program overseen by Joe Bobs, encouraging government participation by rewarding "cash" for participation, and
It may be a good idea to specify on the "more focus" part. Also IMO, the GRA Economy program sounds like a bit more noteworthy than a simple structural rehaul, so I'd personally replace this clause w/ a clause about the Economy program and specifying what Joe Bob did to create it, and how its success helped the region beyond government participation if anything.

Helping to rebuild the GRA Defence Forces from a relatively inactive state around 2010, making it a dominant force in defending again,
And how did they build up the GRA Defence Forces? Stating they helped isgreat but doesn't show the work the nominee put into making it happen.

Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ work in helping get the GRA's Foreign Affairs set up after the region was relaunched in 2014 as Minister of Foreign Affairs, building diplomatic relations with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus and the Rejected Realms,
Explain what happened between GRA and these relations. For all we know, relations led to absolutely nothing and were inactive the whole time.

I'd also point out that while I personally think creating embassies can be commendable, others very much disagree... and dedicating two clauses to embassy building is probably not a good idea because of that. Up to you if you wanna remove this clause or the other embassy clause or keep them both or remove them both or whatever, just saying.

Cognisant that Joe Bobs also helped rebuild much of the region's infrastructure following the relaunch as Speaker and First Minister, most notably the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession, as well as restarting the rotatorship,
This clause is confusing. It should be mentioned exactly how Joe Bobs "helped rebuild" the region's infrastructure. This seems like it was through legislation, but that remains very unclear.

Also, I have no clue what a First Minister is and I'm sure many others will not know as well. Needs some clarification or removal.

Celebrating Joe Bobs’ work within the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), participating in countless defensive operations abroad, and more notably holding a very successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014, during which it took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following invasions and hosted the third iteration of FRAVision, a worldwide singing competition that was widely successful and helped promote the FRA,
I think this clause is pretty great, but I'd delete the part about "participating in countless defensive operations abroad" unless you can substantiate that with a numerical statistic, and focus more on their Arch-Chancellor term and specify on their actions to help FRA stabilization policies instead of their participation in ops.

Extolling Joe Bobs' compiling of the histories of various significant regions, notably by authoring the "General History of the GRA", an in-depth documentation of the history of the GRA, and creating a public library in the FRA of the history of multiple important regions such as United Kingdom while Arch-Chancellor, and
While the content seems good, this needs some rewording to flow a little bit better.

Believing that while Joe Bobs' flag and national symbol, the penguin, is known largely for being cute and fluffy, Joe Bobs' achievements in various regions and the defending cause should not go unrecognised,
It'd be better to set up a proper juxtaposition here IMO. So say something like "Believing that while Joe Bobs' flag and national symbol, the penguin, is known largely for [insert value of penguins anthetical to region building], Joe Bobs' achievements in various regions and the defending cause only serve as examples of [insert value opposite to the penguins] and deserve interregional recognition,"

Or something like that.
Last edited by Zukchiva on Sun Oct 31, 2021 3:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wayneactia
Minister
 
Posts: 2464
Founded: Aug 01, 2014
New York Times Democracy

Postby Wayneactia » Sun Oct 31, 2021 3:46 pm

Dignifying that Joe Bobs created the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 could learn about various subjects, then going on to teach various subjects there such as Philosophy, Literature and NationStates history, and was a central figure in the creation of the Q102 Hall of Fame, allowing the best contributors to Q102 to be officially recognised within the region,

Pretty sure that isn't even a word, and if it is, it truly isn't used in the right context.
Sarcasm dispensed liberally.

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