[DEFEATED] Commend Joe Bobs

[Giovanniland]

The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.

[Apatosaurus]

The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.

I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).

New draft posted but... I'm over the character limit now smh

[Outer Sparta]

The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.

I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).

New draft posted but... I'm over the character limit now smh

How many characters are you over the limit by? Depending on the amount, you can definitely trim it up by getting rid of the superfluous parts and maybe specify less on what you think are their less important achievements.

[Apatosaurus]

I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).

New draft posted but... I'm over the character limit now smh

How many characters are you over the limit by? Depending on the amount, you can definitely trim it up by getting rid of the superfluous parts and maybe specify less on what you think are their less important achievements.

Currently 161 characters :p

[Outer Sparta]

How many characters are you over the limit by? Depending on the amount, you can definitely trim it up by getting rid of the superfluous parts and maybe specify less on what you think are their less important achievements.

Currently 161 characters

I would assume that without BBCode, you would be just over 5,000 or even under it. In any case, just trim out the excess parts and you'll be good.

[Comfed]

The FRA clause reads way better now, but I still think that mentioning government positions but not what they did in them, whether it is the specific name or just saying "serving in various government positions", adds nothing to the proposal. Actions are commendable, not positions.

I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).

If they don’t do anything important it’s not commendable. “X served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and made no changes to policy or staffing and opened a new embassy” is not commendable. Commendations are for people who go above and beyond.

[Giovanniland]

I disagree. I think helping a region or organisation by serving in positions is commendable (even if it's just a brief mention).

If they don’t do anything important it’s not commendable. “X served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and made no changes to policy or staffing and opened a new embassy” is not commendable. Commendations are for people who go above and beyond.

Exactly my line of thought. Essentially it's saying that "being there but not doing anything notable" is somehow commendable, and the proposal is over the character limit anyways, so that part is something I'd remove if I was looking to reduce the character count.

[Apatosaurus]

If they don’t do anything important it’s not commendable. “X served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and made no changes to policy or staffing and opened a new embassy” is not commendable. Commendations are for people who go above and beyond.

Exactly my line of thought. Essentially it's saying that "being there but not doing anything notable" is somehow commendable, and the proposal is over the character limit anyways, so that part is something I'd remove if I was looking to reduce the character count.

I made a new draft so it's not over the character count anymore :p but I'm still not completely convinced it's worth removing a brief "serving in various government positions".

[Outer Sparta]

Exactly my line of thought. Essentially it's saying that "being there but not doing anything notable" is somehow commendable, and the proposal is over the character limit anyways, so that part is something I'd remove if I was looking to reduce the character count.

I made a new draft so it's not over the character count anymore but I'm still not completely convinced it's worth removing a brief "serving in various government positions".

You have to specify what they did in those positions. If you don't, then there's not much point in adding them.

[Apatosaurus]

I made a new draft so it's not over the character count anymore :p but I'm still not completely convinced it's worth removing a brief "serving in various government positions".

You have to specify what they did in those positions. If you don't, then there's not much point in adding them.

Alright, ended up removing that part :p

Anyway, I edited the part about the Q102-Europa alliance, how would this work?

Introducing a formal alliance with Europa, a then-well-known region notable for its thriving community that encouraged international politics and scientific development, and became a very close ally of Q102,

[Honeydewistania]

Who's Joe?

[Apatosaurus]

Who's Joe?

"Joe mama"

[A Bloodred Moon]

The Security Council,

Noting that Joe Bobs has been an exemplary contributor to various historically significant regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, as well as the noble cause of defending,

I get that you’re a moralist and the SC likes defenders, but “the noble cause of defending” seems a little... much. Perhaps that is just me.

Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a nation of penguins in Q102, which was then a significant region, where it had already garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:

Minor thing, but I think “where it had already garnered praise” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if we’re talking about their beginnings. Perhaps “where it garnered praise” would make more sense.

1. Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,
2. Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and

Why not simply merge these two clauses, as they are about essentially the same topic?

Delighted by Joe Bobs' further contributions to the region of Q102, the most notable being:

1. Founding the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 could meet to learn about various subjects, then going on to teach various subjects in there such as Philosophy, Literature and the History of the Multiverse,

Is this an RP thing? I can’t tell. I’d suggest changing it to “...subjects, as well as teaching various subjects such as...” - cuts down on words/characters.

Being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era, increasing the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months; this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,

Maybe I’m missing the obvious, but when was “its era”?

Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), a historically famous region, where it worked tirelessly to build and its community, notably by:

1. Helping start the “rotatorship” around 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,
2. Serving as Minister of Foreign Affairs, building relations with many significant regions such as The East Pacific, Europeia and 10000 Islands, and
3. Helping rebuild the GRA Defence Forces (GRADF) from a relatively inactive state around 2010, which helped make the GRADF a dominant force in defending again,

Why so many lists? This is the third one or so. Additionally, ii just seems unremarkable.

Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by:

1. Being one of the greatest Foreign Affairs Ministers in the region's history; during its term, the GRA built embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and
2. Serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,

Praising Joe Bobs' contributions to the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), where it helped defend regions from the threat of invasion abroad by participating in countless anti-raider operations such as those in Christmas, Slavia and The Hood, and holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,

Another list, and there’s no reason for one - just merge it into a single clause and cut down on the filler. Also, what specifically is an “anti-raider operation”? Defence sounds far less complicated.

[Apatosaurus]

The Security Council,

Noting that Joe Bobs has been an exemplary contributor to various historically significant regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, as well as the noble cause of defending,

I get that you’re a moralist and the SC likes defenders, but “the noble cause of defending” seems a little... much. Perhaps that is just me.

?

Recalling Joe Bobs' beginnings as a nation of penguins in Q102, which was then a significant region, where it had already garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:

Minor thing, but I think “where it had already garnered praise” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if we’re talking about their beginnings. Perhaps “where it garnered praise” would make more sense.

Done.

1. Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,
2. Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt, and

Why not simply merge these two clauses, as they are about essentially the same topic?

They aren't :p one is a mega-roleplay JB ran about a civil war, and the other is basically about JB's updates of roleplay events within the nation.

Delighted by Joe Bobs' further contributions to the region of Q102, the most notable being:

1. Founding the Q102 University, where national leaders in Q102 could meet to learn about various subjects, then going on to teach various subjects in there such as Philosophy, Literature and the History of the Multiverse,

Is this an RP thing? I can’t tell. I’d suggest changing it to “...subjects, as well as teaching various subjects such as...” - cuts down on words/characters.

No that whole clause is about non-RP contributions to Q102, including founding a regional university. Done though.

Being an extremely effective Immigrations and Officials Minister; Joe Bobs' diligence in recruitment helped build the region into one of the most active regions of its era, increasing the size of Q102 by over 18% in only 3 months; this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,

Maybe I’m missing the obvious, but when was “its era”?

Around 2005 - 2008 ish.

Impressed by Joe Bobs' significant contributions to the Global Right Alliance (GRA), a historically famous region, where it worked tirelessly to build and its community, notably by:

1. Helping start the “rotatorship” around 2008, an innovative form of government where each week a ruler would be chosen to have absolute power, helping increase regional engagement in an entertaining way,
2. Serving as Minister of Foreign Affairs, building relations with many significant regions such as The East Pacific, Europeia and 10000 Islands, and
3. Helping rebuild the GRA Defence Forces (GRADF) from a relatively inactive state around 2010, which helped make the GRADF a dominant force in defending again,

Why so many lists? This is the third one or so.

Mainly because there's a lot to go through, and making each into a clause would either create filler or a clunky megaclause.

Additionally, ii just seems unremarkable.

I disagree :p I think building relations with 3 major regions (4 if you count Unknown, but that later got closed bc forum destruction) is commendable.

Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by:

1. Being one of the greatest Foreign Affairs Ministers in the region's history; during its term, the GRA built embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and
2. Serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,

Praising Joe Bobs' contributions to the Founderless Regions Alliance (FRA), where it helped defend regions from the threat of invasion abroad by participating in countless anti-raider operations such as those in Christmas, Slavia and The Hood, and holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,

Another list, and there’s no reason for one - just merge it into a single clause and cut down on the filler.

Yeah, again that'd just create a superclunky megaclause.

Also, what specifically is an “anti-raider operation”? Defence sounds far less complicated.

Ok.

[Apatosaurus]

I intend to submit this in about 4 days now, feedback very much wanted!

[Apatosaurus]

Axed one of the lists, but more importantly:

Hello Delegate %NATION%!

I am Apatosaurus, a past WA author and I am asking you to approve my SC proposal to Commend Joe Bobs. This is a nominee who contributed to multiple regions such as Q102 and the Global Right Alliance, to an outstanding extent, as well as being a famous defender at the time. Some of this nominee's many achievements include:

- Helping build Q102 into one of the biggest and most significant regions,
- Founding the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, a large coalition against racism and nazism that grew to over 500 members,
- Helping build the Global Right Alliance, a famous defender region, both by building its military and other regionbuilding contributions, and
- Compiling the histories of many regions, such as the Global Right Alliance and United Kingdom.

If you agree that this nominee has earned the award, then go approve this!

Feel free to telegram back if you have any questions ^-^

- [nation=long]Apatosaurus[/nation]

[Emodea]

...where it had garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:

I'm confused, what does this even refer to? Roleplay? Issue answering?

Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,

What's the Bobbian Civil War and why should an average reader care about it? Need more details and emphasis on its significance here.

Also get rid of the award mention. Keep the actions that won them the award, but don’t include the award itself.

Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt,

Again, why should an average reader care about it? Include more details and emphasis here.

Being incredibly utopian, notably through its universal healthcare, strong stance against capital punishment, support of the environment and extensive protections for animal rights,

I'm going to assume you're talking about the onsite nation stats and policies here due to how you've worded this, but this isn’t really commendable on its own. A lot of nations support these things. What makes this nation unique from the others?

Delighted by Joe Bobs'...

Weren’t you using -ing to begin clauses until now? Be consistent.

...this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,

Remove the award mention.

Applauding Joe Bobs' founding of the Anti-Racism Coalition in 2006, at the time one of the largest inter-regional coalitions that included over 500 individual members as well as many then-noteworthy regions such as The New Meritocracy and Belgium; the Anti-Racism Coalition then went on to aid in the fight against the reprehensible ideologies of Nazism and racism,

Could you include some operations this coalition undertook?

Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by serving as Foreign Affairs Minister, building embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,

I'm confused; why not include this in the list immediately before?

...holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,

Applauding Joe Bobs for compiling the histories of various significant regions, notably though the authorship of the General History of the GRA, an in-depth documentation of the GRA's history, and the creation of a public library within the FRA of the histories of significant regions (such as Gay and United Kingdom) as Arch-Chancellor; this helped ensure the public accessibility of the history of significant regions for years to come, and

What even...?

Okay, ignoring that this lacks way too many details to be considered "an extremely successful" term, this whole thing reads like a wordvomit. I would recommend that you rewrite this entire clause to make it less wordvomit-y and more pleasing to read and include more details on JB's FRA Arch-Chancellorship. Particularly, just don’t use too many commas. It's really jarring to see those. Break those sentences and use full-stops if you have to.

[Cereskia 2]

Support, I think

[Apatosaurus]

...where it had garnered praise for its admirable internal and external government policies, most notably:

I'm confused, what does this even refer to? Roleplay? Issue answering?

That entire clause is Q102 regional roleplay.

Having one of the most reliable historians in NationStates, best displayed through the incredibly well-detailed documentation of the Bobbian Civil War, which even earned the historians of Joe Bobs a prestigious regional award,

What's the Bobbian Civil War and why should an average reader care about it? Need more details and emphasis on its significance here.

Again, roleplay :p it's important because it was a mega-roleplay JB ran in Q102 about a civil war in the RP nation of Joe Bobs.
Fixed

Also get rid of the award mention. Keep the actions that won them the award, but don’t include the award itself.

Ok done.

Running an extremely reliable News Agency which has recorded much of the history of Joe Bobs, from the attempted invasion by the neighbouring Mweeha to a failed military coup d’etat attempt,

Again, why should an average reader care about it? Include more details and emphasis here.

Ok.

Being incredibly utopian, notably through its universal healthcare, strong stance against capital punishment, support of the environment and extensive protections for animal rights,

I'm going to assume you're talking about the onsite nation stats and policies here due to how you've worded this, but this isn’t really commendable on its own. A lot of nations support these things. What makes this nation unique from the others?

Again, this is roleplay, nothing to do with stats :p

...this also earned Joe Bobs the Best Recruiter and Outstanding Citizen regional awards during its term,

Remove the award mention.

While I'm kind of hesistant to do so, done.

Acclaiming Joe Bobs’ further contributions to the GRA after the region was relaunched in 2014, helping get the region up and going after years of inactivity, most notably by serving as Foreign Affairs Minister, building embassies with many significant regions such as Capitalist Paradise, Spiritus, Texas and the Rejected Realms, and serving as Speaker and First Minister later in 2014, rebuilding much of the region's infrastructure like the Judiciary, World Assembly Delegate elections and Speaker succession; Joe Bobs also managed to restart the rotatorship,

I'm confused; why not include this in the list immediately before?

Splitting it off was originally suggested in Google doc drafting, it's because all of this was contributions following the 2014 relaunch, and the previous clause/list was before the relaunch.

...holding an extremely successful term as Arch-Chancellor in 2014; during that term, among other things, Joe Bobs took action to encourage the FRA to further help in stabilising regions during the chaos following an invasion,

Applauding Joe Bobs for compiling the histories of various significant regions, notably though the authorship of the General History of the GRA, an in-depth documentation of the GRA's history, and the creation of a public library within the FRA of the histories of significant regions (such as Gay and United Kingdom) as Arch-Chancellor; this helped ensure the public accessibility of the history of significant regions for years to come, and

What even...?

Okay, ignoring that this lacks way too many details to be considered "an extremely successful" term, this whole thing reads like a wordvomit. I would recommend that you rewrite this entire clause to make it less wordvomit-y and more pleasing to read and include more details on JB's FRA Arch-Chancellorship. Particularly, just don’t use too many commas. It's really jarring to see those. Break those sentences and use full-stops if you have to.

Alright, I completely rewrote Applauding (also changed it from "Applauding" to "Extolling"). I also changed the end of the Praising clause and added a bit more detail on the AC term.

Will be submitting this when I get onto my computer tommorrow morning, which is about 2 - 3 hours after minor update.

[Archinstinct]

Full support, which is rare since I don't usually do the WA anymore.

[Apatosaurus]

Full support, which is rare since I don't usually do the WA anymore.

Thanks :)

[Apatosaurus]

Submitted here. Go approve!

[Apatosaurus]

This made quorum in just 19 hours and 5 minutes. Assuming it does not fall out of queue and Commend Libertanny is not withdrawn, this will get to vote in 5 major updates.

[Apatosaurus]

After multiple regional votes turned out against (and people commented this needed more drafting time), I have chosen to withdraw this from queue for further drafting. However, I will be resubmitting later (theoretically in 1 or 2 weeks)

EDIT: I've now fixed the "Praising" (now "Celebrating") clause about the FRA as per Guy's feedback here and removed the mention of Gay as per some feedback given on Discord.

[Outer Sparta]

After multiple regional votes turned out against, I have chosen to withdraw this from queue for further drafting. However, I will be resubmitting later (theoretically in a 1/2 weeks)

I don't know how you will magically get regional support in a half a week unless you shore up your argument and make further changes.