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[PASSED] Commend HumanSanity

A chamber dedicated to the dissemination of inter-regional peace and goodwill, via force if necessary.

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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Thu May 20, 2021 9:38 am

bumps the thread
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Crowheim
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Postby Crowheim » Thu May 20, 2021 10:20 am

I wouldn’t mention the PfS as a commendable point. As an organization, it’s still in its infancy and thus could go anywhere. It could be dead and disbanded in three months for all we know, and it’s not really commendable at this time.
Last edited by Crowheim on Thu May 20, 2021 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Thu May 20, 2021 10:57 am

Crowheim wrote:I wouldn’t mention the PfS as a commendable point. As an organization, it’s still in its infancy and thus could go anywhere. It could be dead and disbanded in three months for all we know, and it’s not really commendable at this time.


Fair point, I've update the draft accordingly. Thanks!
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Fauxia
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Postby Fauxia » Thu May 20, 2021 2:30 pm

Might mention the Defender Olympics just finished - HS played a crucial role.
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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Thu May 20, 2021 11:24 pm

Greater Cesnica wrote:"Full support, Ambassador."

IC: "I'm pleased to have your support, Ambassador. Thank you."

Fauxia wrote:Might mention the Defender Olympics just finished - HS played a crucial role.

I will consider adding that, thanks!
Last edited by Moonfungus on Fri May 21, 2021 3:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Nova Vandalia
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Postby Nova Vandalia » Fri May 21, 2021 1:35 pm

It's good, HS isn't the worst person to write one on. But It's dry and factual... >.> I mean you're telling me what he did and some of that is pretty unique but like where are the emotive and expresses words. This reads like a resume not a commendation. I'd hire HS, but this is an awards we're giving toss in some nutmeg and paprika and spice it.

"Acclaiming HumanSanity’s skillful authorship of SC#353 “Commend Deadeye Jack” to immortalize the deeds of a dedicated nation which vastly improved numerous regional communities and defended them from incessant hostile invasions,"

is a great. Skillful, and immortalize, and calling Jack Dedicated, that tells me how you feel about the Commend and Jack and the work HS did on it, but this

"Observing HumanSanity’s tenure as the Chief Executive (head of government) of RIA after Shizensky retired from the position; where it streamlined the government to be more effective, introduced unique activities to encourage regional participation, and led RIA's military - the Renegade Islands Alliance Special Forces (RIASF) - in various high-stakes missions with regional allies including the liberation of Lazarus and the refound of Hogwarts in 2015,"

doesn't have the same impact to me.

Sorry I'm jumping around. Here hear me out "Applauding HumanSanity’s inspiring leadership abilities, best exhibited by SC#173 "Commend Renegade Islands Alliance," which passed during its tenure as Chief Executive for RIASF's excellence in defending vulnerable regions from harm,"

Exemplified instead of exhibited. Exhibited is clinical, Exemplified is personal. also I'd drop abilities, that's just me.

I'd add in a lot more powerful and character driven words so that way we don't just get told why HS is deserving but feel it.
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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Fri May 21, 2021 8:08 pm

Nova Vandalia wrote:It's good, HS isn't the worst person to write one on. But It's dry and factual... >.> I mean you're telling me what he did and some of that is pretty unique but like where are the emotive and expresses words. This reads like a resume not a commendation. I'd hire HS, but this is an awards we're giving toss in some nutmeg and paprika and spice it.

"Acclaiming HumanSanity’s skillful authorship of SC#353 “Commend Deadeye Jack” to immortalize the deeds of a dedicated nation which vastly improved numerous regional communities and defended them from incessant hostile invasions,"

is a great. Skillful, and immortalize, and calling Jack Dedicated, that tells me how you feel about the Commend and Jack and the work HS did on it, but this

"Observing HumanSanity’s tenure as the Chief Executive (head of government) of RIA after Shizensky retired from the position; where it streamlined the government to be more effective, introduced unique activities to encourage regional participation, and led RIA's military - the Renegade Islands Alliance Special Forces (RIASF) - in various high-stakes missions with regional allies including the liberation of Lazarus and the refound of Hogwarts in 2015,"

doesn't have the same impact to me.

Sorry I'm jumping around. Here hear me out "Applauding HumanSanity’s inspiring leadership abilities, best exhibited by SC#173 "Commend Renegade Islands Alliance," which passed during its tenure as Chief Executive for RIASF's excellence in defending vulnerable regions from harm,"

Exemplified instead of exhibited. Exhibited is clinical, Exemplified is personal. also I'd drop abilities, that's just me.

I'd add in a lot more powerful and character driven words so that way we don't just get told why HS is deserving but feel it.


So focus on the emotional side for a bit, instead of the factual side, if I'm understanding this correctly?

I can try to do that, thanks!
Last edited by Moonfungus on Fri May 21, 2021 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Nova Vandalia
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Postby Nova Vandalia » Fri May 21, 2021 9:12 pm

Moonfungus wrote:
Nova Vandalia wrote:It's good, HS isn't the worst person to write one on. But It's dry and factual... >.> I mean you're telling me what he did and some of that is pretty unique but like where are the emotive and expresses words. This reads like a resume not a commendation. I'd hire HS, but this is an awards we're giving toss in some nutmeg and paprika and spice it.

"Acclaiming HumanSanity’s skillful authorship of SC#353 “Commend Deadeye Jack” to immortalize the deeds of a dedicated nation which vastly improved numerous regional communities and defended them from incessant hostile invasions,"

is a great. Skillful, and immortalize, and calling Jack Dedicated, that tells me how you feel about the Commend and Jack and the work HS did on it, but this

"Observing HumanSanity’s tenure as the Chief Executive (head of government) of RIA after Shizensky retired from the position; where it streamlined the government to be more effective, introduced unique activities to encourage regional participation, and led RIA's military - the Renegade Islands Alliance Special Forces (RIASF) - in various high-stakes missions with regional allies including the liberation of Lazarus and the refound of Hogwarts in 2015,"

doesn't have the same impact to me.

Sorry I'm jumping around. Here hear me out "Applauding HumanSanity’s inspiring leadership abilities, best exhibited by SC#173 "Commend Renegade Islands Alliance," which passed during its tenure as Chief Executive for RIASF's excellence in defending vulnerable regions from harm,"

Exemplified instead of exhibited. Exhibited is clinical, Exemplified is personal. also I'd drop abilities, that's just me.

I'd add in a lot more powerful and character driven words so that way we don't just get told why HS is deserving but feel it.


So focus on the emotional side for a bit, instead of the factual side, if I'm understanding this correctly?

I can try to do that, thanks!


Yes absolutely please. Obviously you have to keep it inside the SC line but HS from my short experience has a really understanding and growth centered personality I'd love to see that really shine through, and I think find a way to display how those who know them feel better convinces folks than displaying facts they might not understand or care for. But I will warn I appear to be a minority on this, so I'd get advice from others on this move.
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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Wed May 26, 2021 8:47 am

Draft 6 is now up. Added some adjectives according to what Nova said and reworded the Deadeye Jack clause to make it more fitting with the rest of the proposal. I decided to not implement Fauxia's suggestion of adding the hosting of Defender Olympics in it, partly due to character constraints and partly due to my inability to figure out how to add that without disrupting the flow of the draft. I also probably couldn't fully implement Nova's suggestions due to, once again, character constraints. The current character count is 4974 with BBCode and 4831 without BBCode.

I would also like to move this into LAST CALL, so if you have any feedback about this, better get them in now. I will probably submit this by the end of this week, will mostly depend on some RL matters I need to take care of first.
Last edited by Moonfungus on Wed May 26, 2021 8:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Jedinsto
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Postby Jedinsto » Wed May 26, 2021 10:29 am

Based.
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Zukchiva
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Postby Zukchiva » Wed May 26, 2021 10:55 am

Looks good to me, happy to see this going to vote soon!
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Bhang Bhang Duc
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Wed May 26, 2021 11:15 am

Reads well, a lot of good research into the nominee. Will be happy to recommend support when this comes to the vote.
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Altmoras
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Postby Altmoras » Wed May 26, 2021 12:29 pm

as RIA's Immigration Officer, it recruited new nations into RIA, helping its the region's population grow from 10 to over 300 nations in six months,


In this sentence you use your first "it" to refer to HumanSanity the nation and your second one to refer to RIA the region which is a bit awkward. I would also like to see [nation] tags on the other nations you mention like Shizensky, Grea Kriopia, Free Las Pinas, and Wischland, but those are all minor nitpicks. Overall very good resolution that I hope passes.
Last edited by Altmoras on Wed May 26, 2021 12:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Tinhampton » Wed May 26, 2021 12:30 pm

Altmoras wrote:I would also like to see [nation] tags on the other nations you mention like Shizensky, Grea Kriopia, Free Las Pinas, and Wischland, but those are all minor nitpicks.

...and would take the proposal miles over the character limit anyway :P
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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Wed May 26, 2021 8:04 pm

Jedinsto wrote:Based.
Zukchiva wrote:Looks good to me, happy to see this going to vote soon!
Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:Reads well, a lot of good research into the nominee. Will be happy to recommend support when this comes to the vote.
Altmoras wrote:Overall very good resolution that I hope passes.

Thank you for your support ^_^

Altmoras wrote:In this sentence you use your first "it" to refer to HumanSanity the nation and your second one to refer to RIA the region which is a bit awkward.

Changed, thanks!

Altmoras wrote:I would also like to see [nation] tags on the other nations you mention like Shizensky, Grea Kriopia, Free Las Pinas, and Wischland

I would've liked to use the nation tags, but unfortunately I'll go over the character limit if I do so. Sorry and thanks for the suggestion!
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Postby Goobergunchia » Wed May 26, 2021 8:13 pm

I'd add one comma (in blue) here:
Observing HumanSanity’s historic tenure as the Chief Executive (head of government) of RIA; where it streamlined the government to be more effective, introduced unique activities to encourage regional participation, and led RIA's military - the Renegade Islands Alliance Special Forces (RIASF) - in various high-stakes missions with regional allies, including the liberation of Lazarus and the refound of Hogwarts in 2015,
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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Wed May 26, 2021 8:30 pm

Goobergunchia wrote:I'd add one comma (in blue) here:
Observing HumanSanity’s historic tenure as the Chief Executive (head of government) of RIA; where it streamlined the government to be more effective, introduced unique activities to encourage regional participation, and led RIA's military - the Renegade Islands Alliance Special Forces (RIASF) - in various high-stakes missions with regional allies, including the liberation of Lazarus and the refound of Hogwarts in 2015,

Added, thanks!
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Refuge Isle
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Postby Refuge Isle » Wed May 26, 2021 11:13 pm

No suggestions. Best of luck, Moon :)

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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Fri May 28, 2021 8:35 pm

This has been submitted! Here's the link; https://www.nationstates.net/page=UN_vi ... 1622257889
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LollerLand
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Postby LollerLand » Sat May 29, 2021 12:23 pm

A very worthy nominee. Best of luck!
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Sylh Alanor
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Postby Sylh Alanor » Sat May 29, 2021 3:05 pm

Happy to support this. Good luck :)
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Lenlyvit
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Postby Lenlyvit » Sat May 29, 2021 6:22 pm

Hey, good draft and good luck! I'll happily be voting for on this one.
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Andusre
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Postby Andusre » Sat May 29, 2021 6:31 pm

I will be proudly casting my vote For & wish both you and HS all the best!!

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Moonfungus
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Postby Moonfungus » Sat May 29, 2021 8:17 pm

This is has now reached quorum! Thank you all for your support!
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