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[LAST CALL] Commend Deadeye Jack

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HumanSanity
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[LAST CALL] Commend Deadeye Jack

Postby HumanSanity » Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:57 pm

Hi all,

I wanted to write a Commend for a friendly, dedicated, long-term region-builder and defender who I believe has gone underrecognized for their contributions to the cause and to the few regions lucky enough to have them. I could think of no better candidate than Deadeye Jack.

Draft 5
The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals helped develop the region by:
  • Authoring the European Relief Force Act which created a voluntary military force to distribute aid in the event of natural disasters or war and remains a crucial component of the EU.
  • Passing the second annual budget and establishing a framework for future financial management of the EU as its Commissioner for Economics.
  • Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.

Observing the shift of Deadeye Jack’s efforts to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region, it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served as one of its Commanders, completing 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Noting Deadeye Jack’s work in Hogwarts as its Headmaster, as the nation Willernie, in reestablishing a bustling school for magical students after the region had previously been locked away by invader forces,

Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn, acting as a moderating force in TGW’s military command in a variety of positions including:
  • As High Constable, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionizing the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworking the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations, including its own extensive participation in defending operations, totaling 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

Observing that Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR) seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in ten months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
    • In Deadeye Jack’s most recent term, maintaining a Culture Calendar with daily cultural events, ensuring continued activity on TRR’s communication platforms.
  • Assisting negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific as Officer of Foreign Affairs. This treaty ensures the security of TRR by guaranteeing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • Serving seven months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack:
    • Initiated and guided a legislative debate to establish an independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation with a dedicated Editor-in-Chief. This historically significant change in TRR’s government enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly.
    • Directly edited an issue of TRT to avoid a gap in publication during the transition.
    • Provided sound oversight to the elected Officers of TRR and set the all-time TRR Delegate endorsement record.

Awed by the totality of these contributions to different regions and the defender cause,

Hereby Commends Deadeye Jack.

Co-authored by Frenchy II and Inquista.


Draft 4
The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals helped develop the region by:
  • Authoring the European Relief Force Act which created a voluntary military force to distribute aid in the event of natural disasters or war and remains a crucial component of the EU.
  • Passing the second annual budget and establishing a framework for future financial management of the EU as its Commissioner for Economics.
  • Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.

Observing the shift of Deadeye Jack’s efforts to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region, it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served as one of its Commanders, completing 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Noting Deadeye Jack’s work in Hogwarts as its Headmaster, as the nation Willernie, in reestablishing a bustling school for magical students after the region had previously been locked away by invader forces,

Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn, acting as a moderating force in TGW’s military command in a variety of positions including:
  • As High Constable, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionizing the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworking the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations, including its own extensive participation in defending operations, totaling 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

Observing that Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR) seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in ten months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
    • In Deadeye Jack’s most recent term, maintaining a Culture Calendar with daily cultural events, ensuring continued activity on TRR’s communication platforms.
  • Assisting negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific as Officer of Foreign Affairs. This treaty ensures the security of TRR by guaranteeing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • Serving seven months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack:
    • Helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly.
    • Directly edited an issue of TRT to avoid a gap in publication during the transition.
    • Provided sound oversight to the elected Officers of TRR and set the all-time TRR Delegate endorsement record.

Awed by the totality of these contributions to different regions and the defender cause,

Hereby Commends Deadeye Jack.

Co-authored by Frenchy II and Inquista.


Draft 3
The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals developed the region by:
  • Authoring the European Relief Force Act which created a voluntary military force to distribute aid in the event of natural disasters or war and remains a crucial component of the EU.
  • Passing the second annual budget and establishing a framework for future financial management of the EU as its Commissioner for Economics.
  • Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.

Observing the shift of Deadeye Jack’s efforts to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region, it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served as one of its Commanders, completing 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Noting how Deadeye Jack’s work defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn, acting as a moderating force in TGW’s military command in a variety of positions including:
  • As High Constable, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionizing the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworking the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations, including its own extensive participation in defending operations, totaling 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

Observing that Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR) seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in ten months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
  • Assisting negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific as Officer of Foreign Affairs. This treaty ensures the security of TRR by guaranteeing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • Serving seven months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack:
    • Helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly.
    • Directly edited an issue of TRT to avoid a gap in publication during the transition.
    • Provided sound oversight to the elected Officers of TRR and set the all-time TRR Delegate endorsement record.

Awed by the totality of these contributions to different regions and the defender cause,

Hereby Commends Deadeye Jack.

Co-authored by Frenchy II and Inquista.


Draft 2
The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals contributed to the region by:
  • Authoring the European Relief Force Act which created a voluntary military force to distribute aid in the event of natural disasters or war and remains a crucial component of the EU.
  • Passing the second annual budget and establishing a framework for future financial management of the EU as its Commissioner for Economics.
  • Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.

Observing the shift of Deadeye Jack’s efforts to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region, it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served as one of its Commanders, completing 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Noting how Deadeye Jack’s contributions to the cause of defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn, acting as a moderating force in TGW’s military command in a variety of positions including:
  • As High Constable of TGW, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionizing the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworking the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations, including its own extensive participation in defending operations, totaling 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

Observing that Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR) seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Fundamentally revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in ten months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
  • Assisting negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific as Officer of Foreign Affairs. This treaty ensures the security of TRR by guaranteeing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • Serving seven months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly. Further, to ensure continuous publication of TRT during the transition, Deadeye Jack directly edited an issue of TRT in addition to fulfilling its expected duties of providing sound oversight to the Officers of TRR.

Awed by the totality of these contributions to different regions and the defender cause,

Hereby Commends Deadeye Jack.

Co-authored by Frenchy II and Inquista.


The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals contributed to the region by:
  • Authoring the European Relief Force Act which created a voluntary military force to distribute aid in the event of natural disasters or war and remains a crucial component of the EU.
  • As Commissioner for Economics, passing the second annual budget of the EU and establishing a framework for future financial management.
  • Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.

Observing the shift of the efforts of Deadeye Jack to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Noting how Deadeye Jack’s contributions to the cause of defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn. Throughout Deadeye Jack’s tenure in TGW, it has acted as a moderating force in TGW’s military command. In TGW, Deadeye Jack:
  • Served as High Constable of TGW, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionized the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworked the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations. In these records, Deadeye Jack’s own extensive participation in defending operations is documented, including 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR), where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Fundamentally revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in eight months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
  • As Officer of Foreign Affairs, assisted negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific, which helps ensure the security of TRR by providing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • Served six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly. Further, to ensure continuous publication of TRT during the transition, Deadeye Jack directly edited an issue of TRT in addition to fulfilling its expected duties of providing sound oversight to the Officers of TRR.

Awed by the totality of these contributions to different regions and the defender cause,

Hereby Commends Deadeye Jack.

Co-authored by Frenchy II.
Last edited by HumanSanity on Sun May 02, 2021 9:18 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Honeydewistania
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Postby Honeydewistania » Sat Apr 10, 2021 7:10 pm

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals contributed to the region by:
    ...
  • As Commissioner for Economics, passing the second annual budget of the EU and establishing a framework for future financial management.


Just a grammar nitpick. I think you meant to add a 'serving' there.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.


It might be a good idea to list one of these missions here.

Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR), where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Fundamentally revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in eight months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
  • As Officer of Foreign Affairs, assistedAssisting negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific during their tenure as Officer of Foreign Affairs, which helps ensure the security of TRR by providing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • ServedServing six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly. Further, to ensure continuous publication of TRT during the transition, Deadeye Jack directly edited an issue of TRT in addition to fulfilling its expected duties of providing sound oversight to the Officers of TRR.


Some more nitpicking


Overall this is a very good draft for a good nominee so I support
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Postby Outer Sparta » Sat Apr 10, 2021 7:14 pm

Nominee is rather commendable and the draft looks good so far.
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Postby Crowheim » Sat Apr 10, 2021 7:23 pm

The last line of the Hogwarts clause bugs me since it’s a dead region. Otherwise, I like it.
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Postby Westinor » Sat Apr 10, 2021 7:45 pm

Do you mean to replace all the periods with commas? Feels off to me that it's that way (though I'm not sure it's necessarily incorrect or anything)

HumanSanity wrote:As Commissioner for Economics, passing the second annual budget of the EU and establishing a framework for future financial management.

As noted by honeydew (:P) this differs from the rest of the clauses in this list.

HumanSanity wrote:Observing the shift of the efforts of Deadeye Jack to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

The starting bit is a bit awkward. Maybe reorder it to "Observing the shift of Deadeye Jack's efforts to the cause of..."? Might flow better.

HumanSanity wrote:Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Served as, I think (...at and served one of its Commanders...)? "..., completed 57 missions," should be "completing" as well for grammatic fluidity, I think - otherwise the rest of the sentence is awkward. Maybe consider changing the last bit to "...including serving as the lead on 5 of this missions."? So that it comes out to "...outreach to new members and served as as one of tis Commanders, completing 57 missions, including serving as lead on 5 of those missions."

HumanSanity wrote:Noting how Deadeye Jack’s contributions to the cause of defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

The split here feels awkward. Without keeping the "The Security Council..." in mind the first sentence feels really weird by itself, and I think you could probably combine it nonetheless, removing "invasion[s]. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate[/s] coordinating the..." or something like that, and shifting the rest of the sentence to match that change (so "...invasion, coordinating the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually serving as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.")

HumanSanity wrote:Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn. Throughout Deadeye Jack’s tenure in TGW, it has acted as a moderating force in TGW’s military command. In TGW, Deadeye Jack:

Ending this on "Deadeye Jack:" feels a little weird to me. Maybe you could switch this to "...military command in a variety of positions, including:" if these positions are part of TGW's military command (I'm not fully familiar so xD)? Then cutting out/modifying the starting bit of each clause accordingly.

HumanSanity wrote:Reworked the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations. In these records, Deadeye Jack’s own extensive participation in defending operations is documented, including 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

I think "will" should be "would" here. Might be wrong there, though. You could also help the clause flow better by combining it and removing the middle bit, so something like (with the proposed change I made above) "Chamberlain, reworking the record-keeping system of TGW to ensure that accurate information about defender accomplishments would be available for future generations, including its own extensive participation in defending operations, totalling at 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags." I understand if that's a bit too long/rambling for your taste, though - it's just personal preference on my part :P

HumanSanity wrote:Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR), where it performed exceptional government service including:

I think starting off with "Seeking" here is incorrect? Formatting-wise, at least, I believe it is.
HumanSanity wrote:As Officer of Foreign Affairs, assisted negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific, which helps ensure the security of TRR by providing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.

Honeydew already noted the change to the first bit. You'll want to change the rest of the clause to past tense as well.

Overall the fact that this is all grammatical stuff speaks to the content and quality of the proposal ^-^ I like your choice of nominee and this is a well-shaped draft! Take what you will from my suggestions - it's mostly just personal preference, tbh. I could be completely wrong on some of this xD but best of luck!
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Postby Tinhampton » Sun Apr 11, 2021 1:58 am

Westinor wrote:Do you mean to replace all the periods with commas? Feels off to me that it's that way (though I'm not sure it's necessarily incorrect or anything)

Agreed. HumanSanity ended his clauses with commas in Liberate The Embassy but not in Commend Deadeye Jack

HumanSanity x Frenchy II wrote:Served six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR

TRR Delegate terms (including Jack's) have - for all intents and purposes - been seven months since fixed election dates were legislated for in January 2018.

HumanSanity x Frenchy II wrote:During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Firstly, the above-quoted sentence does not make grammatical sense. Secondly, over what time period were these "57 missions" completed?
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Postby Fauxia » Sun Apr 11, 2021 2:05 pm

HumanSanity wrote:The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals contributed to the region by:

You just used "contributor". Can you come up with another word?

HumanSanity wrote:Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.[/list]

What does the Premier Commissioner do? This means very little to me at the moment. Either we should be informed what the connection here is, or he's not responsible for it and it shouldn't be in the commendation in the first place.

HumanSanity wrote:Noting how Deadeye Jack’s contributions to the cause of defending

Redundant with the last clause.

HumanSanity wrote:Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn. Throughout Deadeye Jack’s tenure in TGW, it has acted as a moderating force in TGW’s military command. In TGW, Deadeye Jack:
  • Served as High Constable of TGW, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionized the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworked the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations. In these records, Deadeye Jack’s own extensive participation in defending operations is documented, including 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

We really don't need the "of TGW". We know from the list it's in that High Constable is a GW position.

HumanSanity wrote:Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region,

This comes off as a bit disingenuous to me, considering Jack had some roles in Lazarus and the Lazarene Liberation Army in like 2016. On that note, did you deliberately leave those contributions out?

HumanSanity wrote:Fundamentally revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in eight months as Officer of Culture by:

Can you explain to me when a revolution is not fundamental?

HumanSanity wrote:Served six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly. Further, to ensure continuous publication of TRT during the transition, Deadeye Jack directly edited an issue of TRT in addition to fulfilling its expected duties of providing sound oversight to the Officers of TRR.

This is much fatter than the other things in the list and can probably be split into a few. I also believe that Deadeye set the endorsement record for a TRR delegate, in case you'd like to mention that.

Good job, I'm a little annoyed it took you all this time but this is better than what I was going to write.
Last edited by Fauxia on Sun Apr 11, 2021 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby HumanSanity » Sun Apr 11, 2021 2:41 pm

Honeydewistania wrote:
Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals contributed to the region by:
    ...
  • As Commissioner for Economics, passing the second annual budget of the EU and establishing a framework for future financial management.


Just a grammar nitpick. I think you meant to add a 'serving' there.

Done.

Honeydewistania wrote:
Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.


It might be a good idea to list one of these missions here.

Due to space and information supply constraints, I'm not going to do that for right now, but will do additional digging should some characters get excised in another clause. It's worth noting a lot of the significance of FTMS as an organization was how it stepped into the void after the collapse of the UDL, which the current language does reflect.

Honeydewistania wrote:
Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR), where it performed exceptional government service including:
  • Fundamentally revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in eight months as Officer of Culture by:
    • Introducing the musical events Popmaster and RejectVision to TRR, a tradition carried on by subsequent Officers of Culture.
    • Opening the Cultural Event Library of TRR, a public resource documenting past events and containing instructions on how to run those events in the future.
  • As Officer of Foreign Affairs, assistedAssisting negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific during their tenure as Officer of Foreign Affairs, which helps ensure the security of TRR by providing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.
  • ServedServing six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly. Further, to ensure continuous publication of TRT during the transition, Deadeye Jack directly edited an issue of TRT in addition to fulfilling its expected duties of providing sound oversight to the Officers of TRR.


Some more nitpicking

Incorporated


Honeydewistania wrote:Overall this is a very good draft for a good nominee so I support

Thanks for your support!

Outer Sparta wrote:Nominee is rather commendable and the draft looks good so far.
Thank you!

Crowheim wrote:The last line of the Hogwarts clause bugs me since it’s a dead region. Otherwise, I like it.
All regions have their high and low activity phases. Hogwarts was once a sizable roleplay community. An examination of NSHistory demonstrates that after the refound of the region in 2015, its population started to balloon and rose as high as 161 nations, and that the region consistently had a WA Delegate. For a role play oriented UCR, this is quite impressive, and I feel fine about giving it 16 words of the Commend

Westinor wrote:Do you mean to replace all the periods with commas? Feels off to me that it's that way (though I'm not sure it's necessarily incorrect or anything)

I intended to use periods. The very first draft used commas, but felt due to arbitrary internalized limited ideas of what a comma can accomplish I felt it was limiting my writing. I drew inspiration for that shift from a few recent resolutions that used periods or semicolons and I thought had particularly strong research and narrative building (even ones I voted against for ideological reasons). This also included Commend Duxburian Union, a conceptually similar Commend which recognized role playing, region building, and defending.

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Observing the shift of the efforts of Deadeye Jack to the cause of defending regions from occupying forces after its contributions to EU, a region which was once vulnerable to invasion.

The starting bit is a bit awkward. Maybe reorder it to "Observing the shift of Deadeye Jack's efforts to the cause of..."? Might flow better.
Implimented.

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Served as, I think (...at and served one of its Commanders...)? "..., completed 57 missions," should be "completing" as well for grammatic fluidity, I think - otherwise the rest of the sentence is awkward. Maybe consider changing the last bit to "...including serving as the lead on 5 of this missions."? So that it comes out to "...outreach to new members and served as as one of tis Commanders, completing 57 missions, including serving as lead on 5 of those missions."

Tenses fixed.

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Noting how Deadeye Jack’s contributions to the cause of defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

The split here feels awkward. Without keeping the "The Security Council..." in mind the first sentence feels really weird by itself, and I think you could probably combine it nonetheless, removing "invasion[s]. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate[/s] coordinating the..." or something like that, and shifting the rest of the sentence to match that change (so "...invasion, coordinating the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually serving as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.")

Not going to do this right now but will return to this comment another time. For some reason it's not working in my brain right now.

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn. Throughout Deadeye Jack’s tenure in TGW, it has acted as a moderating force in TGW’s military command. In TGW, Deadeye Jack:

Ending this on "Deadeye Jack:" feels a little weird to me. Maybe you could switch this to "...military command in a variety of positions, including:" if these positions are part of TGW's military command (I'm not fully familiar so xD)? Then cutting out/modifying the starting bit of each clause accordingly.

Attempted to rework

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Reworked the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations. In these records, Deadeye Jack’s own extensive participation in defending operations is documented, including 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

I think "will" should be "would" here. Might be wrong there, though. You could also help the clause flow better by combining it and removing the middle bit, so something like (with the proposed change I made above) "Chamberlain, reworking the record-keeping system of TGW to ensure that accurate information about defender accomplishments would be available for future generations, including its own extensive participation in defending operations, totalling at 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags." I understand if that's a bit too long/rambling for your taste, though - it's just personal preference on my part :P

Adjusted thanks :)

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region, Deadeye Jack’s proxy government Dead I Jack established itself in The Rejected Realms (TRR), where it performed exceptional government service including:

I think starting off with "Seeking" here is incorrect? Formatting-wise, at least, I believe it is.

It is very much incorrect. I have "fixed" it but may be re-broken it.

Westinor wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:As Officer of Foreign Affairs, assisted negotiations of the Unicorn Star Treaty with The North Pacific, which helps ensure the security of TRR by providing for aid in the event of a coup despite TRR’s inability to eject potential security threats.

Honeydew already noted the change to the first bit. You'll want to change the rest of the clause to past tense as well.
Done(?)

Westinor wrote:Overall the fact that this is all grammatical stuff speaks to the content and quality of the proposal ^-^ I like your choice of nominee and this is a well-shaped draft! Take what you will from my suggestions - it's mostly just personal preference, tbh. I could be completely wrong on some of this xD but best of luck!
Thank you!

Tinhampton wrote:
Westinor wrote:Do you mean to replace all the periods with commas? Feels off to me that it's that way (though I'm not sure it's necessarily incorrect or anything)

Agreed. HumanSanity ended his clauses with commas in Liberate The Embassy but not in Commend Deadeye Jack

I addressed this above.

Tinhampton wrote:
HumanSanity x Frenchy II wrote:Served six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR

TRR Delegate terms (including Jack's) have - for all intents and purposes - been seven months since fixed election dates were legislated for in January 2018.
Fixed. I've also changed the number of months as Cultural Officer after realizing that he served 2.5 terms as Cultural Officer due to a mid-term officer reshuffle when Kyo was elected Delegate.

Tinhampton wrote:
HumanSanity x Frenchy II wrote:During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served one of its Commanders, completed 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Firstly, the above-quoted sentence does not make grammatical sense. Secondly, over what time period were these "57 missions" completed?
Comma added to fix grammar. Time period is irrelevant to the point of the clause as explained above.

I'll be updating the OP with these and a few other edits after getting additional information about EU from Inquista, who I will also be adding as a co-author for their extensive contributions to the draft.

Edit: Fauxia's comments went up while I was writing this and will be responded to for the next draft.
Last edited by HumanSanity on Sun Apr 11, 2021 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Sun Apr 11, 2021 3:00 pm

A stylistic quibble with what is a very good draft. Maybe relegate Deadeye’s work as Gun-Toting Animals and Dead I Jack to the bottom part of the proposal - hit the voter’s with their work in Fort Triumph and TGW up front.

Edit: sorry just the G-T A section as the Dead I Jack work in TRR is already there - misread it.
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Postby Nova Vandalia » Mon Apr 12, 2021 6:00 am

Full support. Jack is genuinely one of the nicest folks I've had the pleasure of meeting on NS. Sometimes (read mostly) I don't vote on the merit of the commend but the merit of the person, and this is anyone to support. Jack is darn good folk.
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Postby Altmoras » Tue Apr 13, 2021 8:32 pm

Long overdue
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Postby Comfed » Wed Apr 14, 2021 6:14 am

This is a well-researched and well-written resolution for a commendable nominee. :clap:
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Postby HumanSanity » Wed Apr 14, 2021 11:53 am

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:The Security Council,

Identifying Deadeye Jack as a steadfast contributor to regional communities and a defender of their autonomy and self-determination.

Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals contributed to the region by:

You just used "contributor". Can you come up with another word?

"Contributed to" switched to "developed".

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Serving eight months as Premier Commissioner, overseeing a period of great stability for members of the Union.[/list]

What does the Premier Commissioner do? This means very little to me at the moment. Either we should be informed what the connection here is, or he's not responsible for it and it shouldn't be in the commendation in the first place.

The Premier Commissioner is the head of government/state for EU and leads the European Commission, which is the executive government. As Premier Commissioner, there aren't specific accomplishments that I/Inquista found to credit Jack with. However, doing the primary executive position of a region in a time of growth and consistent activity is itself impressive and I'd feel odd to omit it entirely. As a result, this is the clause I came up with, but I do see your issue and will mull it over.

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Noting how Deadeye Jack’s contributions to the cause of defending

Redundant with the last clause.

I changed the wording slightly to avoid reduplicating the language itself, but am keeping the idea that this was a connection made via defending because I think it's narratively important.

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn. Throughout Deadeye Jack’s tenure in TGW, it has acted as a moderating force in TGW’s military command. In TGW, Deadeye Jack:
  • Served as High Constable of TGW, building the region’s foreign affairs with other defender organizations and serving as second in command.
  • Revolutionized the Guardian program of TGW as its Silverite Guardian, making defending accessible to nations with less advanced communications technology. Deadeye Jack’s revitalization of the program enabled other nations to take up the mantle of leading Guardian missions and inspired them to become full Wardens, which are able to defend with greater efficiency.
  • Reworked the record-keeping system of TGW as its Chamberlain, ensuring that accurate information about defender accomplishments will be available for future generations. In these records, Deadeye Jack’s own extensive participation in defending operations is documented, including 1,682 defenses, 119 liberations, and 342 detags.

We really don't need the "of TGW". We know from the list it's in that High Constable is a GW position.

Good catch and fixed.

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Seeking an opportunity to contribute to a larger region,

This comes off as a bit disingenuous to me, considering Jack had some roles in Lazarus and the Lazarene Liberation Army in like 2016. On that note, did you deliberately leave those contributions out?

First of all, I don't think it's disingenuous. While Jack did have military roles in Lazarus/the LLA, this is based on explanation I've heard Jack give before about putting some activity into TRR as it was a wider platform for some of his ideas than TGW was, especially on a cultural level, which then makes up a bulk of the next clause. In trying to ICify that OOC-ish explanation, I may have communicated it poorly, so I'm trying to

Second, I omitted the LLA simply because of space constraints. I couldn't really see myself leaving out EU (as where Jack began), Fort Triumph (as a brief but highly influential defender organization in the moment it existed), Hogwarts (as an entirely separate role playing venture Jack led successfully for a time), TGW (as one of the most successful defender organizations in recent memory which Jack has been an officer in for years), or TRR (as the GCR where Jack has made the most contributions). LLA, of all of those things, felt narratively and work-product wise the least important to include.

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Fundamentally revolutionizing the cultural landscape of TRR in eight months as Officer of Culture by:

Can you explain to me when a revolution is not fundamental?

The revolution is now not fundamental. :P

Fauxia wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Served six months as World Assembly Delegate of TRR, during which time Deadeye Jack helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly. Further, to ensure continuous publication of TRT during the transition, Deadeye Jack directly edited an issue of TRT in addition to fulfilling its expected duties of providing sound oversight to the Officers of TRR.

This is much fatter than the other things in the list and can probably be split into a few. I also believe that Deadeye set the endorsement record for a TRR delegate, in case you'd like to mention that.

Alright, we've hit a critical mass of me getting this comment so I'll give it a re-whirl. I originally kept this as a larger chunk because I feel all of these things connect together, but I've made an effort at breaking it apart which I'm interested in feedback for. If the broken up version doesn't work, I can revert back.

I knew Jack had the all time endorsement record but had opted not to include it since it likely had *some* basis in the Drew-boom and knew there was criticism of it being cited in the never voted-upon Commend Aumeltopia draft when Aumeltopia broke the same record in TSP. However, I've tossed it into this draft and am interested in hearing more thoughts on if it should or should not make the cut.

Fauxia wrote:Good job, I'm a little annoyed it took you all this time but this is better than what I was going to write.

It took many people quite some time to write this after they asked :P

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:A stylistic quibble with what is a very good draft. Maybe relegate Deadeye’s work as Gun-Toting Animals and Dead I Jack to the bottom part of the proposal - hit the voter’s with their work in Fort Triumph and TGW up front.

Edit: sorry just the G-T A section as the Dead I Jack work in TRR is already there - misread it.

So, the order is the way it is because it's intended to give shape to the player's narrative and path of contributions throughout NS. They started in European Union, a (then) founderless RP region, moved to found Fort Triumph and defending generally to some extent based on experiences with EU, which led them to take a role in Hogwarts, and then TGW, and so on. In essence, I feel starting with EU situates things appropriately for the broader arc of player development. Does this make sense or do you still think a change is merited? Alternatively, does this make sense but is insufficiently explained in the draft?

Nova Vandalia wrote:Full support. Jack is genuinely one of the nicest folks I've had the pleasure of meeting on NS. Sometimes (read mostly) I don't vote on the merit of the commend but the merit of the person, and this is anyone to support. Jack is darn good folk.
Jack is indeed excellent and I'm glad to hear you'll be supporting it! Cheers.

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Mood.

Comfed wrote:This is a well-researched and well-written resolution for a commendable nominee. :clap:
Thanks!
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Postby The Python » Wed Apr 14, 2021 11:53 pm

Full support! This in theory should have been done like a year before.
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Postby Moonfungus » Thu Apr 15, 2021 12:04 am

Provided sound oversight to the elected Officers of TRR and set the all-time TRR Delegate endorsement record.

No offence HS, but I really don't think that having high endorsements is something to be commended. Especially when its someone as accomplished as Jack (you have a large pool of achievements to draw content from) and especially when it's in a large GCR like TRR.

Other than that, it's a really good draft ^_^ Full support from me; Jack's one of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met and were really patient with a noob like me along with GK when I joined TGW.
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Thu Apr 15, 2021 12:08 am

HumanSanity wrote:
Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:A stylistic quibble with what is a very good draft. Maybe relegate Deadeye’s work as Gun-Toting Animals and Dead I Jack to the bottom part of the proposal - hit the voter’s with their work in Fort Triumph and TGW up front.

Edit: sorry just the G-T A section as the Dead I Jack work in TRR is already there - misread it.

So, the order is the way it is because it's intended to give shape to the player's narrative and path of contributions throughout NS. They started in European Union, a (then) founderless RP region, moved to found Fort Triumph and defending generally to some extent based on experiences with EU, which led them to take a role in Hogwarts, and then TGW, and so on. In essence, I feel starting with EU situates things appropriately for the broader arc of player development. Does this make sense or do you still think a change is merited? Alternatively, does this make sense but is insufficiently explained in the draft?

Thanks for the explanation HS, that makes complete sense. As I said it was only a minor point which I now withdraw.
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Postby Comfed » Thu Apr 15, 2021 6:12 am

Moonfungus wrote:
Provided sound oversight to the elected Officers of TRR and set the all-time TRR Delegate endorsement record.

No offence HS, but I really don't think that having high endorsements is something to be commended. Especially when its someone as accomplished as Jack (you have a large pool of achievements to draw content from) and especially when it's in a large GCR like TRR.

Other than that, it's a really good draft ^_^ Full support from me; Jack's one of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met and were really patient with a noob like me along with GK when I joined TGW.

It’s a significant achievement to set the all-time record for endorsements, especially in a GCR.
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Postby Fauxia » Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:36 am

Moonfungus wrote:
Provided sound oversight to the elected Officers of TRR and set the all-time TRR Delegate endorsement record.

No offence HS, but I really don't think that having high endorsements is something to be commended. Especially when its someone as accomplished as Jack (you have a large pool of achievements to draw content from) and especially when it's in a large GCR like TRR.

Other than that, it's a really good draft ^_^ Full support from me; Jack's one of the nicest and most supportive people I've ever met and were really patient with a noob like me along with GK when I joined TGW.

Moon, go become Delegate of a GCR and then tell me the same thing.

That shit takes work.
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Postby Moonfungus » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:14 am

Comfed wrote:It’s a significant achievement to set the all-time record for endorsements, especially in a GCR.

Well when you put it that way, I can kinda see the appeal to it...but I still hold my POV :p
Fauxia wrote:Moon, go become Delegate of a GCR and then tell me the same thing.

That shit takes work.

If I ever run for a GCR del in the future, I'm gonna credit this post as the catalyst to it :p

Anyway, that wasn't really made in bad faith. I just personally thought that it's not exactly commendable, especially when HS has alluded that part of it might be due to the Drew boom. But I have no other qualms against it remaining in the final proposal. Just thought I would point it out.
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HumanSanity
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Founded: Feb 06, 2011
New York Times Democracy

Postby HumanSanity » Thu Apr 15, 2021 1:01 pm

Moonfungus wrote:Anyway, that wasn't really made in bad faith. I just personally thought that it's not exactly commendable, especially when HS has alluded that part of it might be due to the Drew boom. But I have no other qualms against it remaining in the final proposal. Just thought I would point it out.

I'm going to leave it for now. I do see the point about the Drew boom, but there were also a lot of other good things going on in TRR at the time that helped get the number up, and it's a relatively minor side note in this text.

Bhang Bhang Duc wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:So, the order is the way it is because it's intended to give shape to the player's narrative and path of contributions throughout NS. They started in European Union, a (then) founderless RP region, moved to found Fort Triumph and defending generally to some extent based on experiences with EU, which led them to take a role in Hogwarts, and then TGW, and so on. In essence, I feel starting with EU situates things appropriately for the broader arc of player development. Does this make sense or do you still think a change is merited? Alternatively, does this make sense but is insufficiently explained in the draft?

Thanks for the explanation HS, that makes complete sense. As I said it was only a minor point which I now withdraw.
Alright, thanks for checking that for me! Your feedback is always appreciated
HumanSanity
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Former Delegate of 10000 Islands and Chief Executive of Renegade Islands Alliance

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A Bloodred Moon
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Democratic Socialists

Postby A Bloodred Moon » Thu Apr 15, 2021 1:17 pm

HumanSanity wrote:Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals developed the region by:

If or when you run out of space, I suggest cutting the regional motto - I fail to see how it relates to the nominee’s own achievements. Perhaps “developed the region” could be replaced with “helped develop the region” - that would perhaps make more sense.

Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region, it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served as one of its Commanders, completing 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Did they found it did they co-found it? Additionally, what does “missions” refer to (there’s quite a difference between 57 liberations and 57 detags)?

Noting how Deadeye Jack’s work defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

“Work defending” might be correct but perhaps you might wish to reword it (“work in defending”, perhaps?) - also, this seems odd. Wasn’t Hogwarts without natives at the time it was founderless? That is, at the very least, the story I remember reading through the “Liberate Hogwarts” and its later repeal’s threads.

Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn, acting as a moderating force in TGW’s military command in a variety of positions including:

I would suggest changing “darkspawn” to invaders for those who have no knowledge of what it refers to.

Don’t know enough about TRR to comment. Good luck with this.
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HumanSanity
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New York Times Democracy

Postby HumanSanity » Fri Apr 23, 2021 1:01 pm

A Bloodred Moon wrote:
HumanSanity wrote:Remembering the contributions of Gun-toting Animals, the primordial forerunner of Deadeye-Jack, to the region of European Union (EU), where “sovereign nations come together as equals, united in diversity, to promote peace, liberty, and prosperity”. Civil servants of Gun-toting Animals developed the region by:

If or when you run out of space, I suggest cutting the regional motto - I fail to see how it relates to the nominee’s own achievements. Perhaps “developed the region” could be replaced with “helped develop the region” - that would perhaps make more sense.

I am going to keep the regional motto for now because I believe it helps reflect how work in European Union furthers the goals of the Security Council and is Commendable, thus situating these accomplishments within the resolution (even if not describing the accomplishments).

A Bloodred Moon wrote:
Heralding Deadeye Jack’s founding of Fort Triumph, a region which was home to the Fort Triumph Marshal Service, an organization which provided crucial stability to defending at a time of great political turmoil. During Deadeye Jack’s leadership of the region, it conducted much of the organization’s outreach to new members and served as one of its Commanders, completing 57 missions, including leading 5 of those missions.

Did they found it did they co-found it? Additionally, what does “missions” refer to (there’s quite a difference between 57 liberations and 57 detags)?
Deadeye Jack was/is the founder of Fort Triumph. Others certainly helped on the ground floor, but they are the capital F holder of the Founder Nation.

In FTMS records, a "mission" refers to an entire update's worth of work - e.g. an entire session of chasing/a detag run. I am open to SC rules compliant language that would reflect that.

A Bloodred Moon wrote:
Noting how Deadeye Jack’s work defending included communication with Hogwarts when the region was vulnerable to invasion. Through this communication, Deadeye Jack helped coordinate the refounding of Hogwarts to ensure its long-term security and eventually served as its Headmaster, a role where it built a school for magical students.

“Work defending” might be correct but perhaps you might wish to reword it (“work in defending”, perhaps?) - also, this seems odd. Wasn’t Hogwarts without natives at the time it was founderless? That is, at the very least, the story I remember reading through the “Liberate Hogwarts” and its later repeal’s threads.

I have modified this accordingly. The rewrite freed up extra characters, which I used to re-add a line about TRR Culture that I had cut in pre-forum drafts.

A Bloodred Moon wrote:
Realizing Deadeye Jack’s extensive role in building The Order of the Grey Wardens (TGW), one of the most prominent contemporary defending organizations dedicated to combatting the influence of darkspawn, acting as a moderating force in TGW’s military command in a variety of positions including:

I would suggest changing “darkspawn” to invaders for those who have no knowledge of what it refers to.

I am willing to hear more feedback but am inclined to keep it for now. The clause clearly indicates TGW is a defender organization, providing information for the reader, and a nod to the lore used by TGW gives some flavor to the proposal.

A Bloodred Moon wrote:Good luck with this.

Thanks!

Draft is updated in the OP
HumanSanity
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Bormiar
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Founded: Mar 25, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Bormiar » Fri Apr 23, 2021 9:02 pm

The transition from having a Media Officer to having an EiC was messy, prolonged, and plagued by outside influence that I wouldn't like to discuss publicly. I'm biased because I don't like legislative debates at all, but I think many who do would agree it was more difficult than most Assembly discussions. There was this (frankly, a bit silly) talk of TRT becoming beholden to Assembly interests, as well as the fact that we needed some way to get past the rigidity of TRR's four officer system without being too radical or too arbitrary. While it was a regionwide effort, perhaps you should more strongly applaud Jack for the transition.

In particular, I'd like to note the rarity of such radical changes in a stable region like TRR. We had been creeping towards more involvement in the WA for a while, and we needed a strong commitment, but no one ever made one. I certainly wouldn't have been able to start the WA office had Jack not stepped in and exercised his influence. It's nothing compared to other features of his NS career, but I think the transition from the Media Officer to the EiC is a good example of his skillful and practical leadership.

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HumanSanity
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Founded: Feb 06, 2011
New York Times Democracy

Postby HumanSanity » Sat Apr 24, 2021 7:36 pm

Bormiar wrote:The transition from having a Media Officer to having an EiC was messy, prolonged, and plagued by outside influence that I wouldn't like to discuss publicly. I'm biased because I don't like legislative debates at all, but I think many who do would agree it was more difficult than most Assembly discussions. There was this (frankly, a bit silly) talk of TRT becoming beholden to Assembly interests, as well as the fact that we needed some way to get past the rigidity of TRR's four officer system without being too radical or too arbitrary. While it was a regionwide effort, perhaps you should more strongly applaud Jack for the transition.

In particular, I'd like to note the rarity of such radical changes in a stable region like TRR. We had been creeping towards more involvement in the WA for a while, and we needed a strong commitment, but no one ever made one. I certainly wouldn't have been able to start the WA office had Jack not stepped in and exercised his influence. It's nothing compared to other features of his NS career, but I think the transition from the Media Officer to the EiC is a good example of his skillful and practical leadership.

So, most of what you're saying here is absolutely reflective of my understanding of events as apparent from the drafting thread and as recounted to me by sources who helped frame the debate my understanding and therefore the clause itself. What specifically do you think should be changed about the draft language to reflect this? I can probably add some adjective(s) to reflect how monumental the change was?
HumanSanity
Legislator of the South Pacific
Security Council Correspondent for Refugia
Former Delegate of 10000 Islands and Chief Executive of Renegade Islands Alliance

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Bormiar
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Founded: Mar 25, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Bormiar » Sun Apr 25, 2021 11:52 am

HumanSanity wrote:
Bormiar wrote:The transition from having a Media Officer to having an EiC was messy, prolonged, and plagued by outside influence that I wouldn't like to discuss publicly. I'm biased because I don't like legislative debates at all, but I think many who do would agree it was more difficult than most Assembly discussions. There was this (frankly, a bit silly) talk of TRT becoming beholden to Assembly interests, as well as the fact that we needed some way to get past the rigidity of TRR's four officer system without being too radical or too arbitrary. While it was a regionwide effort, perhaps you should more strongly applaud Jack for the transition.

In particular, I'd like to note the rarity of such radical changes in a stable region like TRR. We had been creeping towards more involvement in the WA for a while, and we needed a strong commitment, but no one ever made one. I certainly wouldn't have been able to start the WA office had Jack not stepped in and exercised his influence. It's nothing compared to other features of his NS career, but I think the transition from the Media Officer to the EiC is a good example of his skillful and practical leadership.

So, most of what you're saying here is absolutely reflective of my understanding of events as apparent from the drafting thread and as recounted to me by sources who helped frame the debate my understanding and therefore the clause itself. What specifically do you think should be changed about the draft language to reflect this? I can probably add some adjective(s) to reflect how monumental the change was?


Here's the clause in question:

Helped shape legislation to transition The Rejected Times (TRT), the long time newspaper of TRR, away from the portfolio of an Officer of Media to the control of the newly independent The Rejected Realms Media Corporation. This transition enabled TRR to establish the position of Officer of World Assembly Affairs which builds engagement in TRR’s community with this very Assembly.


There's nothing here that particularly mentions the turmoil of the whole situation.

Perhaps this:

Guided the Rejected Realms through its tumultuous and difficult process of rearranging the executive branch to create a World Assembly office. The transition, which consisted of moving management of the Rejected Times from an officer position to a new, dedicated Editor-in-Chief role, was the result of a long, but necessary, series of legislative debates that Deadeye Jack sparked and guided,


I'm not sure, but I don't think the current clause really reflects the painfulness of the scenario. It's currently a surface-level recounting of events.
Last edited by Bormiar on Sun Apr 25, 2021 11:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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