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[Passed] Commend Marrabuk

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Andusre
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[Passed] Commend Marrabuk

Postby Andusre » Thu Mar 04, 2021 4:59 pm

Hello all! First time writing anything for the WA, GA or SC! I'd really appreciate any feedback/constructive criticism anyone could offer. Also a huge thank you to Maowi for helping me out so much with this - it's much appreciated :)

Commend Marrabuk
Category: Commendation | Nominee: Marrabuk


The Security Council,

Noting that the nation of Marrabuk has, throughout its existence, made great contributions to The East Pacific (henceforth referred to as TEP), helping develop a forward-thinking and productive mindset both within TEP and in a network of communities around it;

Applauding Marrabuk’s exemplary leadership of TEP’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA), where as minister they took several critical steps to rejuvenate and vastly improve its efficiency, such as:

  • restructuring the ministry to better delineate roles and duties of its members, thus greatly helping newcomers develop their skills, enhancing its performance and reviving it as a result
  • establishing a team to gather intelligence on behalf of TEP’s MoFA to ensure the region’s globally-significant Foreign Affairs policy was judicious and astute; and
  • constructing a strong diplomatic rapport with TEP’s allies by increasing the regularity of the MoFA’s reports from monthly to biweekly;

Acclaiming Marrabuk’s role in the revival of the East Pacific News Service - renowned for bringing widely accessible, high-quality coverage of internal and interregional events - as TEP’s regional newspaper, motivating and entrusting citizens with the newspaper's leadership to ensure its successful restoration;

Praising Marrabuk’s initiative in responding to the attempted coup of TEP perpetrated at the very start of their delegacy, utilising TEP’s Regional Message Board (RMB) to rally the wider community of the region to the defence of the legitimate government, as well as enacting proactive measures to protect legitimate delegates of TEP by quintupling the number of viziers and lowering TEP’s endorsement cap from four hundred to three hundred;

Celebrating their highly successful efforts to increase the reach of TEP’s diplomatic connections, leading the way in forging meaningful partnerships, such as:
  • the restoration of TEP's relationship with 10000 Islands after the deterioration of said relationship under the previous administration; Marrabuk was instrumental in the revitalisation of this relationship, going on to codify it in the Treaty of the Waxing Moon, thus laying the foundation for extensive future cultural collaboration between the two regions such as the Festival of Friends;
  • the rebuilding of connections with Osiris, coming off a drastic downturn under the preceding delegate, and the congenial collaboration that quickly ensued between the regions’ governments;
  • the forging of the Treaty of Aarhus with Balder after their help during the instability in the transition to Marrabuk’s delegacy;
  • an ongoing affinity with Thaecia, now codified under the Poem of the Greats treaty: the influence of this partnership on Thaecia’s growth from staunch isolationism to a more open foreign policy is in large part owed to Marrabuk’s open-handed outreach efforts to initially develop relations and support Thaecia in interregional matters (such as abandoning unfair recruitment practices, and further on, shared cultural events including the Late Nite Festivals and Paradoxical);

Cognisant of Marrabuk’s vital role in the creation of the Eastern Union, a defensive and co-operative international alliance that operated through TEP’s RMB during its existence, which:
  • at the time of writing, remains the largest RMB-based alliance to have ever existed in TEP;
  • was led by a novel and sophisticated democratic system using the principle of the separation of powers;
  • allowed newly founded nations to be smoothly integrated without being unnecessarily bullied by larger, more established members, through the provision of mutual defence; and
  • masterminded the operation of Eastern Union's Strait, which economically sustained TEP's international community via the RMB throughout its existence;

Convinced that Marrabuk’s work to consistently innovate and improve TEP and its partners’ strength and vibrancy in a wide variety of fields has had an extremely positive impact on NationStates as a whole;

Hereby Commends Marrabuk.

Co-authored by Maowi.


Commend Marrabuk
Category: Commendation | Nominee: Marrabuk


The Security Council,

Noting that the nation of Marrabuk has, throughout its existence, made great contributions to The East Pacific (henceforth referred to as TEP), helping develop a forward-thinking and productive mindset both within TEP and in a network of communities around it;

Applauding Marrabuk’s exemplary leadership of TEP’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA), where they took several critical steps to rejuvenate and vastly improve its efficiency, such as:

  • restructuring the ministry to better delineate roles and duties of its members and setting the stage for the structure that is still in use at the time of writing, thus greatly helping newcomers develop their skills and become leaders in the ministry throughout future administrations
  • establishing a team to gather intelligence on behalf of TEP’s MoFA to ensure the region’s globally-significant Foreign Affairs policy was judicious and astute; and
  • boosting activity and further promoting TEP’s communication with its allies by increasing the regularity of the MoFA’s reports from monthly to biweekly;

Acclaiming Marrabuk’s role in the revival of the renowned East Pacific News Service as TEP’s regional newspaper, providing the initial push and continued impetus for its successful implementation;

Celebrating their highly successful efforts to increase the reach of TEP’s diplomatic connections, leading the way in forging meaningful partnerships, such as:
  • the restoration of TEP's relationship with the region 10000 Islands after the deterioration of said relationship under the previous administration; Marrabuk was instrumental in the revitalisation of this relationship, going on to codify it in the Treaty of the Waxing Moon, thus laying the foundation for extensive future cultural collaboration between the two regions such as the Festival of Friends;
  • the rebuilding of connections with Osiris, coming off a drastic downturn under the preceding delegate, and the congenial collaboration that quickly ensued between the regions’ governments;
  • the forging of the Treaty of Aarhus with Balder after their help during the instability in the transition to Marrabuk’s delegacy;
  • an ongoing affinity with Thaecia, now codified under the Poem of the Greats treaty; the influence of this partnership on Thaecia’s growth from staunch isolationism to a more open foreign policy is in large part owed to Marrabuk’s open-handed outreach efforts to initially develop relations and support Thaecia in interregional matters (such as abandoning unfair recruitment practices, and further on, shared cultural events including the Late Nite Festivals and Paradoxical);
Praising Marrabuk’s initiative in responding to the attempted coup of TEP perpetrated at the very start of their delegacy, utilising TEP’s Regional Message Board (RMB) to rally the wider community of the region to the defence of the legitimate government, as well as enacting longer-term security measures to protect their and future delegacies;

Cognisant of Marrabuk’s vital contribution to the creation of the Eastern Union, a defensive and co-operative international alliance operating through TEP’s RMB, which:
  • at the time of writing, is the largest RMB-based alliance to have ever existed in TEP;
  • was led by a novel and sophisticated democratic system using the principle of the separation of powers; and
  • allowed newly founded nations to be smoothly integrated without being unnecessarily bullied by larger, more established members, through the provision of mutual defence;


Convinced that Marrabuk’s work to consistently innovate and improve TEP and its partners’ strength and vibrancy in a wide variety of fields has had an extremely positive impact on NationStates as a whole;

Hereby Commends Marrabuk.

Co-authored by Maowi.
Last edited by Andusre on Fri Apr 09, 2021 12:45 am, edited 18 times in total.

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Postby Tinhampton » Thu Mar 04, 2021 5:15 pm

Stylistic quibbles:
1. Why do you only abbreviate Regional Message Board as RMB after its second mention in the text, or can we blame Maowi for that? :P
2. "NationStates" has two capital letters.
3. That's it. That's the tweet. awaits tens of thousands of retweets from random people
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Andusre
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Postby Andusre » Thu Mar 04, 2021 5:19 pm

Tinhampton wrote:Stylistic quibbles:
1. Why do you only abbreviate Regional Message Board as RMB after its second mention in the text, or can we blame Maowi for that? :P
2. "NationStates" has two capital letters.
3. That's it. That's the tweet. awaits tens of thousands of retweets from random people

Edited, I think they should be fixed now. Thanks Tin :)

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Postby Eumaeus » Thu Mar 04, 2021 6:05 pm

Andusre wrote:Noting that the nation of Marrabuk has, throughout its existence, made great contributions in The East Pacific (henceforth known as TEP), helping develop a forward-thinking and productive mindset both within TEP and in a network of communities around it;

While it's pretty minor, I think that 'henceforth known' should be changed to 'henceforth referred to'.
Applauding Marrabuk’s exemplary leadership of TEP’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA), where they took several critical steps to rejuvenate the ministry and vastly improve its efficiency, such as:

Minor concision edit.
restructuring the Ministry to better delineate roles and duties of its members, thus greatly helping newcomers develop their skills and become leaders in the ministry throughout future administrations;

Consistency error: I know I suggested striking it in the previous clause, but if you choose not to strike "the ministry" then there is a consistency error in the capitalization of that phrase throughout the draft.

[*] boosting activity and further promoting TEP’s communication with its allies by increasing the regularity of the MoFA’s reports from monthly to biweekly; and

There's an extra space between the list bbcoding and "boosting".
setting the stage for the structure of the MoFA which is still in use at the time of writing;

Either A) there should be a comma after 'MoFA' or B) 'which' should be 'that'.
Celebrating their highly successful efforts to increase the reach of TEP’s diplomatic connections, leading the way in forging meaningful partnerships such as:

There should be a comma after "partnerships".
restoring TEP's relationship with the region 10000 Islands after the deterioration of said relationship under the previous administration; Marrabuk was instrumental in the revitalisation of this relationship, going on to codify it in the Treaty of the Waxing Moon, thus laying the foundation for extensive future cultural collaboration between the two regions such as the Festival of Friends;

I'm somewhat torn on what exactly I would like to suggest here, but there is a consistency matter in this item: the two other items in this list start with a phrase that follows the following structure: "the [gerund] of". I can't decide whether I want to recommend keeping to that exact structure by changing the wording to "the restoring of TEP's..." or if I want to recommend The in-between of "the restoration of TEP's...". The former is most consistent with the rest of the list but the latter sounds better (and is at least more consistent with the rest of the list than the current wording).
[*]the forging of the Treaty of Aarhus with Balder after their help during the instability in the transition to Marrabuk’s delegacy;

[*]an ongoing affinity with Thaecia, now codified under the Poem of the Greats treaty; the influence of this partnership on Thaecia’s growth from staunch isolationism to a more open foreign policy is in large part owed to Marrabuk’s open-handed outreach efforts to initially develop relations and support Thaecia in interregional matters (such as abandoning unfair recruitment practices, and further on, shared cultural events including the Late Nite Festivals and Paradoxical);

There appears to be an extra paragraph break between these two clauses. Additionally, that first semicolon should probably be a colon (not a grammatical correction but a stylistic suggestion).

Staying in line with my feedback since returning from hiatus, I am choosing not to comment on factual and most merit based matters (with the exception of obvious matters and familiar faces). That being said, this is a very well written draft, let alone someone's first draft submitted for consideration by either body of the World Assembly. My only overarching feedback is that it may be worth including more explicit discussion/language of how the target nations actions have benefited the international/interregional community.
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Outer Sparta
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Postby Outer Sparta » Thu Mar 04, 2021 6:13 pm

Marrabuk is definitely a player who can be argued is commendation worthy. Looks good so far, but clean up a few punctuation errors the previous replies have highlighted.
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Postby Pluvie » Thu Mar 04, 2021 9:45 pm

I already made my set of edits there ;) It looks a lot better btw, definitely a very solid draft ^-^
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Postby Westinor » Thu Mar 04, 2021 11:39 pm

Looks pretty good at first glance. Eumaeus touched on most stuff, though I had a bit of an issue with this clause -

Andusre wrote:setting the stage for the structure of the MoFA which is still in use at the time of writing;

Is this in reference to/summing up the rest of the clause? Or is it something else entirely? It's a bit vague to me right now.

Best of luck with this one, pretty good esp for a first draft! Keep up the good work :)
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A Bloodred Moon
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Postby A Bloodred Moon » Fri Mar 05, 2021 2:24 am

Andusre wrote:The Security Council,

Noting that the nation of Marrabuk has, throughout its existence, made great contributions in The East Pacific (henceforth known as TEP), helping develop a forward-thinking and productive mindset both within TEP and in a network of communities around it;

Very minor, but perhaps "great contribution to The East Pacific" instead?

Praising Marrabuk’s initiative in responding to the attempted coup of TEP perpetrated at the very start of their delegacy, utilising TEP’s Regional Message Board (RMB) to rally the wider community of the region to the defence of the legitimate government, as well as enacting longer-term security measures to protect their and future delegacies;

First off, I suggest moving this part above the list - the list mentions Balder's help during the coup, but it might be useful to move this one up.

Second, it's worth expanding on "enacting longer-term security measures", perhaps.

Convinced that Marrabuk’s work to consistently innovate and improve TEP and its companions’ strength and vibrancy in a wide variety of fields has had an extremely positive impact on NationStates as a whole;

"Companions" could probably use a different word. "Allies", "partners", etc. would all work.

These are some quick thoughts - NSA got most of the rest.
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Andusre
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Postby Andusre » Fri Mar 05, 2021 2:36 am

I've edited it to implement most of the feedback given up above. I'll talk with Maowi about the other feedback suggestions I didn't edit in when they're free later today. Thanks for the advice! c:

Additionally, that first semicolon should probably be a colon (not a grammatical correction but a stylistic suggestion).


Would you be able to point me to the specific semi-colon you're referring to? I know you said the first semicolon but the first semicolon in the text you quoted is the one on the end of the Balder part of the list. Unless I can't read, which is a very real possibility :p
Last edited by Andusre on Fri Mar 05, 2021 2:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Toerana » Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:47 am

Andusre wrote:I've edited it to implement most of the feedback given up above. I'll talk with Maowi about the other feedback suggestions I didn't edit in when they're free later today. Thanks for the advice! c:

Additionally, that first semicolon should probably be a colon (not a grammatical correction but a stylistic suggestion).


Would you be able to point me to the specific semi-colon you're referring to? I know you said the first semicolon but the first semicolon in the text you quoted is the one on the end of the Balder part of the list. Unless I can't read, which is a very real possibility :p

Noting that the nation of Marrabuk has, throughout its existence, made great contributions to The East Pacific (henceforth referred to as TEP), helping develop a forward-thinking and productive mindset both within TEP and in a network of communities around it;

^ That most likely, first meaningful line
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Fri Mar 05, 2021 4:43 am

For a first attempt at an SC proposal this is good. You’ve done your research, written a tidy draft.
Solid effort.
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Andusre
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Postby Andusre » Fri Mar 05, 2021 6:01 pm

Thanks again for the feedback!

We've edited it to hopefully address what I didn't edit in earlier on:

  • specifying the "longer-term security measures" as Jo recommended
  • elaborating on the part about the revival of the EPNS
  • editing the wording of the last bullet of the list under the Applauding clause (about biweekly reports).

The last two edits mentioned above are particularly aimed at Eumaeus' overarching suggestion to discuss how the actions have benefited the interregional community.

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Postby Quebecshire » Sun Mar 07, 2021 11:48 am

Looks good, support.
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Postby Varanius » Sun Mar 07, 2021 1:10 pm

It’s unfortunate this is being drowned out with nonsense proposals pushing their ways to the top of the forum. It’s an interesting idea.
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Postby Quebecshire » Sun Mar 07, 2021 2:46 pm

Varanius wrote:It’s unfortunate this is being drowned out with nonsense proposals pushing their ways to the top of the forum. It’s an interesting idea.

Quite a shame. Yet another example of why democracy is bad!
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Sun Mar 07, 2021 2:56 pm

Varanius wrote:It’s unfortunate this is being drowned out with nonsense proposals pushing their ways to the top of the forum. It’s an interesting idea.

If the OP waits a few days then the children will find somewhere else to play and the adults will be able to step in again.

Anyway as the saying goes writing a proposal is a marathon not a sprint.
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Postby Outer Sparta » Sun Mar 07, 2021 4:05 pm

I agree with BBD. Wait till this hoopla in the SC dies down with these awful resolutions at vote, take some more days to work on it just to be safe.
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Postby Tinhampton » Sun Mar 07, 2021 5:01 pm

and in any event 72 hours is nowhere near enough time for a first-time author to be drafting, whether or not in collaboration with the Maowese :P

1. We know that XKI is a region, no need to tell us that they are ;p
2. How did Marrabuk "quintupl[e] the number of viziers," or was this because Fedele dismissed all of them except one?
3. It is wrong to assert that Marrabuk's "lowering [of] TEP’s endorsement cap from four hundred to three hundred" was a "longer-term security measure" any more than it is to assert that I'm Alicia Silverstone from Clueless - the endocap was lowered from 400 to 300 on February 8th 2020, months after the Fedele coup, and raised back to 400 (where it remains today) on May 20th 2020.
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Postby Andusre » Sun Mar 07, 2021 5:28 pm

Tinhampton wrote:and in any event 72 hours is nowhere near enough time for a first-time author to be drafting, whether or not in collaboration with the Maowese :P

1. We know that XKI is a region, no need to tell us that they are ;p
2. How did Marrabuk "quintupl[e] the number of viziers," or was this because Fedele dismissed all of them except one?
3. It is wrong to assert that Marrabuk's "lowering [of] TEP’s endorsement cap from four hundred to three hundred" was a "longer-term security measure" any more than it is to assert that I'm Alicia Silverstone from Clueless - the endocap was lowered from 400 to 300 on February 8th 2020, months after the Fedele coup, and raised back to 400 (where it remains today) on May 20th 2020.

1. Edited to fix
2. At the end of Fedele's delegacy/the beginning of Marrabuk's, there were three Viziers. Marrabuk appointed twelve more, increasing the number to fifteen.
3. Edited to change "longer-term security measure" to wording which hopefully is more accurate.

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Libertanny
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Postby Libertanny » Mon Mar 08, 2021 4:49 am

Applauding Marrabuk’s exemplary leadership of TEP’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA), where they took several critical steps to rejuvenate and vastly improve its efficiency, such as:
restructuring the ministry to better delineate roles and duties of its members and setting the stage for the structure that is still in use at the time of writing, thus greatly helping newcomers develop their skills and become leaders in the ministry throughout future administrations


The restructure wasn't created by Marrabuk. It was a mashup of ideas of Zukchiva, East Malaysia, A Mean Old Man and me (I cant provide evidence, as it was created in a confident chat, but you can ask any of mentioned players about it).

To that, Marrabuk opposes it:

"I will restructure the whole FA. I will work that one out with the MoFA. I believe the FA structure currently has gotten too complicated. I agree with the inner circle, when it first rolled out, lib was the MoFA and I was the delegate. And the spheres and halls were also rolled out during my term as delegate. But I will be renaming them. Inner circle will be Senior Officers lounge. The spheres and halls will stay. I will change back the name diplomat into ambassadors. Senior diplomat will be renamed as Chief Ambassadors and there will be Deputy Minsiters of FA again." - link

Acclaiming Marrabuk’s role in the revival of the East Pacific News Service - renowned for bringing widely accessible, high-quality coverage of internal and interregional events - as TEP’s regional newspaper, providing the initial push and continued impetus for its successful implementation;


What role? It should be clarified. Mentored and has chosen well leaders. But it sounds like he was a staffer of it, whilst he wasn't. I'd reword that clause, but not delete it, as in fact, his decisions caused revival of it.

Cognisant of Marrabuk’s vital contribution to the creation of the Eastern Union, a defensive and co-operative international alliance operating through TEP’s RMB, which:

at the time of writing, is the largest RMB-based alliance to have ever existed in TEP;
was led by a novel and sophisticated democratic system using the principle of the separation of powers; and
allowed newly founded nations to be smoothly integrated without being unnecessarily bullied by larger, more established members, through the provision of mutual defence;


I would reword "is the largest" to "was the largest", kinda gives the vibes, as it would still exist, it sadly does not. I would also mention creation of EU Strait here - it was a beautiful showcase of Marrabuk's strategic mind, where he made literally all of RP economically dependent on EU (and its Strait).

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Postby Crowheim » Mon Mar 08, 2021 7:07 am

Pretty solid draft, good job.

A few things - I would be careful with the mentioning of Thaecia here. I probably don't need to explain why you in particular should tread carefully covering it in a commendation. Personally I'd remove it as it doesn't really add much to the draft and Marrabuk's FA contributions are already covered thoroughly without it, in my opinion.

I would definitely also flesh out a lot of the clauses with some more detail. Without any context I'm rather confused as to what on earth the Eastern Union is, and I'm not positive it belongs in a commendation without that context.

Everything Libertanny said should also be addressed, he raised good points.
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Brototh
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Postby Brototh » Mon Mar 08, 2021 11:06 am

Crowheim wrote:A few things - I would be careful with the mentioning of Thaecia here. I probably don't need to explain why you in particular should tread carefully covering it in a commendation. Personally I'd remove it as it doesn't really add much to the draft and Marrabuk's FA contributions are already covered thoroughly without it, in my opinion.
Personally I think it's a good thing to show the contributions Marrabuk made to helping Thaecia grow into what it is today. Without Marrabuk's involvement, Thaecia would be in an entirely different place. Although, yes, his FA contributions are already well covered and known.

Thaecia is still a pretty well known region (for better or worse, certainly better with Marrabuk's involvement), and I think stating how he helped turn it into what it is today (trust me, you know it- we'd be a hell of a lot worse off if Marra didn't help us out as much as he did). It was a pretty definining moment in his FA policy. Although, I am of course Thaecian, so this may be a little bit biased lol, which I can see being the concern of this being left in. Still, a big moment for both regions that Marrabuk really spearheaded, so I'm in support of the clause.

Anyway, full support for the resolution with the changes submitted by others. Nice work
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Crowheim
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Founded: Aug 16, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Crowheim » Mon Mar 08, 2021 3:44 pm

Brototh wrote:
Crowheim wrote:A few things - I would be careful with the mentioning of Thaecia here. I probably don't need to explain why you in particular should tread carefully covering it in a commendation. Personally I'd remove it as it doesn't really add much to the draft and Marrabuk's FA contributions are already covered thoroughly without it, in my opinion.
Personally I think it's a good thing to show the contributions Marrabuk made to helping Thaecia grow into what it is today. Without Marrabuk's involvement, Thaecia would be in an entirely different place. Although, yes, his FA contributions are already well covered and known.

Thaecia is still a pretty well known region (for better or worse, certainly better with Marrabuk's involvement), and I think stating how he helped turn it into what it is today (trust me, you know it- we'd be a hell of a lot worse off if Marra didn't help us out as much as he did). It was a pretty definining moment in his FA policy. Although, I am of course Thaecian, so this may be a little bit biased lol, which I can see being the concern of this being left in. Still, a big moment for both regions that Marrabuk really spearheaded, so I'm in support of the clause.

Anyway, full support for the resolution with the changes submitted by others. Nice work

My issue is that even if it is all accurate it still looks like a sideways way of patting Thaecia on the back when it comes from the region’s founder. If it came from a different author I probably wouldn’t object but it’s just in poor taste from my point of view as it is right now.
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Chipmunker Kyosson

I do things for the Rejected Realms. (Views do not represent that of the government unless stated otherwise.)

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Crowheim
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Founded: Aug 16, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Crowheim » Mon Mar 08, 2021 4:50 pm

Just to clarify, it’s nothing against Andy, but I’m sure he understands the optics I’m talking about :P
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Chipmunker Kyosson

I do things for the Rejected Realms. (Views do not represent that of the government unless stated otherwise.)

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Maowi
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Founded: Jan 07, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Maowi » Mon Mar 08, 2021 4:55 pm

Hello!!! Just to note, we are working on these latest suggestions, and trying to look into some of the relevant information so we can work out exactly what changes to make, so thanks for all the comments so far!

Re: the Thaecia clause - I don't think it's disputable that Marrabuk's role in Thaecia spurred it to really turn its FA around and grow as a region. I feel that it would be a disservice to exclude any mention of that in a Commendation that is in quite a large part focused on Marrabuk's contributions to other regions through the position of MoFA/Delegate of TEP. If it helps at all to know this, Andy made sure that I took on the main part of the writing for that clause, rather than him being the one to author it.

Crowheim wrote:I would definitely also flesh out a lot of the clauses with some more detail. Without any context I'm rather confused as to what on earth the Eastern Union is, and I'm not positive it belongs in a commendation without that context.


We'll try and improve on the clarity for the Eastern Union clause as is fitting for the next draft, but are there any other clauses specifically that you feel have something missing in content? We managed to trim our draft down so that we have a decent number of characters to work with, so we can try and add more substance/explanation where necessary :)

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Co-author of GARs 479 and 536, and SCR 341

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