[WITHDRAWN] Commend Kyorgia

[Toerana]

First time writing anything for either branch of the WA, so please bare with me :P
I'm primarily looking for advice/feedback on how to make the proposal read/look better, and naturally whether it's entirely legal or not, but post whatever you want.

This is a mixture of serious/non-serious content with a side of fluff (as every SC proposal seems to have :P)

Feel free to contact me privately if you have an issue with something mentioned in the proposal


(I did it Jamie, are you proud?)

The Security Council,

Recognizing that the nation of Congratulations On Being Featured is a satellite state of Kyorgia, which sees them;

• Document globally featured regions from 2015 onward, forever preserving their state when featured;
• Supply constant encouragement supplied by its Foreign Office to governments of small and upcoming regions;

Understanding the dedication of its leadership to the Rejected Realms;

• Seeing it serve as its Delegation to the World Assembly for a period of 212 days;
  
  • Solidifying its relationship with The North Pacific, which culminated in the signing of the Unicorn Star Treaty between the two parties. This saw to further solidify the security of the Rejected Realms by allying itself with a region with a large, robust military power;
  • Overseeing the “Epic Gamer Party,” a joint cultural event between the Rejected Realms and the North Pacific, seeing a week of cultural events and games that member states could participate in, an event in which the cultural identities of the two regions were strengthened;
  • Their stalwart support of The East Pacific during the attempted coup by the leadership of Fedele, ultimately seeing the Rejected Realms Army deploy in support of the legitimate government.
• Serving as an Officer of Outreach within the Rejected Realms;
  
  • Their encouragement of Reject culture, hosting events such as "Wisdom of the Crowds," where delegations participated in competitions surrounding Reject Culture;
  • Producing Bulletins alerting World Assembly members to their failure to endorse the regional delegation.
• Serving as Speaker of the Assembly;
  • Ensuring that the Reject Realms' democracy ran smoothly and every citizen had their voice;
  • Administering countless elections, seeing a untold number of citizens be elected to a range of elected offices.
• Producing works of art for The Rejected Times, sharing the national cuisine of Kyorgia to an international audience.

Applauding the attempt to liberate Warzone Airspace from the hands of their Lazarene Occupiers;

• Overseeing the formation of a new government to hand power back into the hands of regional natives;
• Valiantly defending Warzone Airspace against multiple attempted invasions during the Second Liberation;
• Providing Stalwart support of Rei I for over 100 days, in an attempt to secure the region from the Lazarene Occupiers.

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia, seeing their government serve two terms as Stateminister of Balder, serving for a total of 56 days, ensuring stability during transitional periods following the resignation of their predecessors;

Applauding the formation of Kyorgia Puppet Storage;

• The Headquarters of the Kyosson Organization, which sees representatives from influential states participate in discourse surrounding a variety of important international issues;
• The Home of the Kyosson Empire, an interregional body that sees the unification of diverse sections of the world under the banner of Kyorgia;
• As a platform of representatives for a multitude of entities to interact from 25 allies states.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 11,000 Bank, which includes artwork such as;

• Seventeen copies of "Naughty Slave Girls," preserving multiple accounts of the priceless work of art for future generations;
• Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
• A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers," to forever preserve the nations who recognize and support Featured Regions alongside Kyorgia's satellite state of Congratulations on Being Featured.

Inspired by the dedication the leadership of Kyorgia to military affairs; including

• Having a rich military history, seeing their participation in many raider organisations, but later transitioning to become a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals;
• The foundation of Canterlot, a colourful organisation intent on spreading the colours of the rainbow and cartoon ponies across the world;
• Seeing their military participate in the sieges of notable regions, such as Boston, South Pacific and Christmas

Believing that Kyorgia and its leadership is worthy of recognition from the Security Council in the form of a commendation.

Co-authored by Crowheim, Kingdom of Circle of Magi & Visionary Union

The Security Council,

Recognizing the ties between the government of Congratulations On Being Featured and that of Kyorgia;

• The documentation of globally featured regions from 2015 onward;
• The constant encouragement supplied by its Foreign Office to governments of small and upcoming regions.

Understanding the dedication of its leadership to the Rejected Realms;

• Serving as its Delegation to the World Assembly for a period of 212 days;
  
  • Solidifying its relationship with The North Pacific, which culminated in the signing of the Unicorn Star Treaty between the two parties;
  • Their stalwart support of The East Pacific during the attempted coup by the leadership of Fedele.
• Serving as an Officer within the Rejected Realms;
  
  • Their encouragement of Reject culture, hosting events such as "Wisdom of the Crowds," where delegations participated in competitions surrounding Reject Culture;
  • Producing Bulletins alerting World Assembly members to their failure to endorse the regional delegation.

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia, seeing their government serve two terms as Stateminister, serving for a total of 56 days;

Noting that the leader of Kyorgia has created dynastic ties with the leadership of 30+ notable nations across the world, through the formation of the Kyosson Organization;

Applauding the formation of Kyorgia Puppet Storage;

• The Headquarters of the Kyosson Organization, which sees representatives from influential states participate in discourse surrounding a variety of important international issues;
• The Home of the Kyosson Empire, and inter regional body that sees the unification of diverse sections of the world under the banner of Kyorgia;
• As a platform of representatives for a multitude of entities to interact from 25 allies states.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 12,000 Bank;

• The dedication towards the collection of invaluable art pieces, such as;
  
  • Six copies of "Naughty Slave Girls";
  • Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
  • A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers."
• The maintaining of over 100 companies in allied states to scavenge art work for its collection, providing employment to millions of people.

Inspired by the dedication the leadership of Kyorgia to military affairs; including

• Having a rich military history, formerly being a member of various military organizations such as The Black Hawks, the Roman Empire and Hydra Command;
• Becoming a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals, seeing their military participate in the sieges of notable regions, such as Boston, South Pacific and Christmas

Believing that Kyorgia and its leadership is worthy of recognition from the Security Council in the form of a commendation.

Co-authored by Kingdom of Circle of Magi & Visionary Union

The Security Council,

Recognizing that the nation of Congratulations On Being Featured is a satellite state of Kyorgia, which sees them;

• Document globally featured regions from 2015 onward, forever preserving their state when featured;
• Sees constant encouragement supplied by its Foreign Office to governments of small and upcoming regions;

Understanding the dedication of its leadership to the Rejected Realms;

• Seeing it serve as its Delegation to the World Assembly for a period of 212 days;
  
  • Solidifying its relationship with The North Pacific, which culminated in the signing of the Unicorn Star Treaty between the two parties. This saw to further solidify the security of the Rejected Realms by allying itself with a region with a large, robust military power;
  • Overseeing the “Epic Gamer Party,” a joint cultural event between the Rejected Realms and the North Pacific, seeing a week of cultural events and games that member states could participate in;
  • Their stalwart support of The East Pacific during the attempted coup by the leadership of Fedele, ultimately seeing the Rejected Realms Army deploy in support of the legitimate government.
• Serving as an Officer of Outreach within the Rejected Realms;
  
  • Their encouragement of Reject culture, hosting events such as "Wisdom of the Crowds," where delegations participated in competitions surrounding Reject Culture;
  • Producing Bulletins alerting World Assembly members to their failure to endorse the regional delegation.

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia, seeing their government serve two terms as Stateminister of Balder, serving for a total of 56 days, ensuring stability during transitional periods following the resignation of their predecessors;

Applauding the formation of Kyorgia Puppet Storage;

• The Headquarters of the Kyosson Organization, which sees representatives from influential states participate in discourse surrounding a variety of important international issues;
• The Home of the Kyosson Empire, an interregional body that sees the unification of diverse sections of the world under the banner of Kyorgia;
• As a platform of representatives for a multitude of entities to interact from 25 allies states.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 12,000 Bank, which includes artwork such as;

• Six copies of "Naughty Slave Girls";
• Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
• A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers."

Inspired by the dedication the leadership of Kyorgia to military affairs; including

• Having a rich military history, seeing their participation in many raider organisations, but later transitioning to become a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals;
• The foundation of Canterlot, a colourful organisation intent on spreading the colours of the rainbow and cartoon ponies across the world;
• Seeing their military participate in the sieges of notable regions, such as Boston, South Pacific and Christmas

Believing that Kyorgia and its leadership is worthy of recognition from the Security Council in the form of a commendation.

Co-authored by Crowheim, Kingdom of Circle of Magi & Visionary Union

[Honeydewistania]

Needs to include subtle references to Canterlot

[Minskiev]

Finally, a good WA resolution. Only took 12 years.

[HumanSanity]

This is a mixture of serious/non-serious content with a side of fluff (as every SC proposal seems to have )

This is true to some extent, but your draft contains several clauses of blatant fluff that does not recognize commendable actions. One inside joke? Fine. Two thirds of the draft about non-sense? Not fine.

Recognizing the ties between the government of Congratulations On Being Featured and that of Kyorgia;

• The documentation of globally featured regions from 2015 onward;
• The constant encouragement supplied by its Foreign Office to governments of small and upcoming regions.

I didn't know Kyo did this, it's pretty cool. Maybe use some of the frames from SC#93 to help explain why this is a Commendable thing.

If you mean that Congratulations On Being Featured is Kyo's puppet, you should say this more explicitly (e.g. "Recognizing the good work of Congratulations On Being Featured, which is controlled by the government of Kyoriga") rather than "ties between the government".

Understanding the dedication of its leadership to the Rejected Realms;

• Serving as its Delegation to the World Assembly for a period of 212 days;

During which time they accomplished what? If the actions in the two subsequent bullet points are things done while Kyo was TRR Delegate, that should be explicitly stated.

• Solidifying its relationship with The North Pacific, which culminated in the signing of the Unicorn Star Treaty between the two parties;

Why is this important? Given TRR's lack of influence or a ban button and the high piling power of TNP, this treaty (in my mind) is essential to the ongoing security of TRR.

Their stalwart support of The East Pacific during the attempted coup by the leadership of Fedele.

Many, many governments at the time opposed the Fedele coup. How did Kyo contribute to that effort?

Serving as an Officer within the Rejected Realms;

Which Officer position(s)?

• Their encouragement of Reject culture, hosting events such as "Wisdom of the Crowds," where delegations participated in competitions surrounding Reject Culture;
• Producing Bulletins alerting World Assembly members to their failure to endorse the regional delegation.

Good, more of this.

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia, seeing their government serve two terms as Stateminister, serving for a total of 56 days;

Stateminister of what region? And what did they accomplish?

Noting that the leader of Kyorgia has created dynastic ties with the leadership of 30+ notable nations across the world, through the formation of the Kyosson Organization;

This is not Commendable. First off, it does not represent work to promote interregional collaboration and good will. Second, NS families are generally considered OOC, and therefore outside the bounds of an IC commendation. Third, it's a meme.

Applauding the formation of Kyorgia Puppet Storage;

• The Headquarters of the Kyosson Organization, which sees representatives from influential states participate in discourse surrounding a variety of important international issues;
• The Home of the Kyosson Empire, and inter regional body that sees the unification of diverse sections of the world under the banner of Kyorgia;
• As a platform of representatives for a multitude of entities to interact from 25 allies states.

'
Just a meme, get rid of it.

Also, if you reallllly want to go this way, please explain why the banner of Kyorgia is a good thing.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 12,000 Bank;

• The dedication towards the collection of invaluable art pieces, such as;
  
  • Six copies of "Naughty Slave Girls";
  • Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
  • A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers."
• The maintaining of over 100 companies in allied states to scavenge art work for its collection, providing employment to millions of people.

This collection is not particularly noteworthy and is not something Kyo procured himself, with large chunks being gifted to him for meme value.

I don't understand what the last bullet point is referring to, so that needs to be fleshed out.

Inspired by the dedication the leadership of Kyorgia to military affairs; including

• Having a rich military history, formerly being a member of various military organizations such as The Black Hawks, the Roman Empire and Hydra Command;

This is the most blatant Commend for raiding I've seen. You could mention a transition from raiding to defending. You could also just leave out the raiding. But a clause Commending raiding is obviously a "no".

Becoming a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals, seeing their military participate in the sieges of notable regions, such as Boston, South Pacific and Christmas

Good, but also many people participated in those sieges. Did Kyorgia have a leadership or operational role to help enhance this clause?

Needs a lot of work

[Boston Castle]

Just kind of skimmed. Only real note I have now is that the "Acknowledging" clause is entirely superfluous and needs to be cut.

[Outer Sparta]

I would cut out a few of the non-serious parts and a bit of fluff you got. You have a good looking draft for a first-time resolutions writer.

[Chingis]

Now this.

This I can get behind. Needs more Canterlot tho

[ROM]

Yeah I'm disappointed there is not any references to Canterlot here, which I was highly looking forward to. Add that and you will have my undying loyalty

[Bhang Bhang Duc]

For a first time writer this is quite a reasonable draft. Yes there’s some filler in there and there are items that are never going to be commendable. But it’s legal (as far as I can see), nicely presented and there is a base that can be built on.

HS has provided a good critique of the draft so I’m not going to comment further at this stage. I’ll wait and see what the next version brings.

[Crowheim]

The Security Council,

Recognizing that the ties between the government of the nation of Congratulations On Being Featured and that is a satellite state of Kyorgia; and that this nation is responsible for, amongst other things:

• The documentation of globally featured regions from 2015 onward;
• The constant encouragement supplied by its Foreign Office to the governments of small and upcoming regions.

Understanding the dedication of its leadership Kyorgia to the Rejected Realms; including:

• Serving as its Delegation delegate to the World Assembly for a period of 212 days; during which the nominee:
  
  • Solidifying Solidified the Rejected Realms' relationship with The North Pacific, which culminated in the signing of the Unicorn Star Treaty between the two parties;
  • Affirmed their stalwart support of The East Pacific during the attempted coup by the leadership of Fedele.
• Serving as an Officer the Officer of Outreach within for the Rejected Realms; a tenure during which the nominee:
  
  • Their encouragement of Greatly encouraged Reject culture, hosting events such as "Wisdom of the Crowds," where delegations participated in competitions surrounding Reject Culture;
  • Producing Oversaw the production of bulletins alerting World Assembly members to their failure to endorse the regional delegation.

Acknowledging that the former government nation of Arastaoir currently resides in was also controlled byKyorgia, seeing their government serve two terms as Stateminister of Balder, serving for a total of 56 days, during which the nominee passed numerous laws and reforms for the region which they were serving;

Noting that the leader of Kyorgia has created dynastic ties with the leadership of 30+ notable nations across the world, through the formation of the Kyosson Organization;

Applauding the formation of Kyorgia Puppet Storage; known internationally as:

• The Headquarters of the Kyosson Organization, which sees representatives from influential states participate in discourse surrounding a variety of important international issues;
• The Home of the Kyosson Empire, and inter regional body that sees the unification of diverse sections of the world under the banner of Kyorgia;
• As a platform of representatives for a multitude of entities to interact from 25 allies states.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, a collection valued at over 12,000 Bank; which includes such gems as:
[*]The dedication towards the collection of invaluable art pieces, such as;

• Six copies of "Naughty Slave Girls";
• Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
• A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers."

[*]The maintaining of over 100 companies in allied states to scavenge art work for its collection, providing employment to millions of people.

Inspired by the dedication the leadership of Kyorgia to military affairs; including:

• Having a rich military history, formerly being a member of various military organizations such as The Black Hawks, the Roman Empire and Hydra Command but ultimately reverting to the cause of defending, showing notable improvement and growth from the nation;
• Becoming a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals, seeing their military participate in the sieges of notable regions, such as Boston, South Pacific and Christmas

Believing that Kyorgia and its leadership is worthy of recognition from the Security Council in the form of a commendation.

Co-authored by Crowheim, Kingdom of Circle of Magi & Visionary Union

Content aside, here are some edits. Things I'd cut out in strike, things I'd add in bold. Formatting broke a little bit around the list commands but you'll get the drift.

[Boston Castle]

Minus the one thing which needs a space (I forget where, you can probably see it), Crow's right on.

[Toerana]

Second Draft is up on in the OP.

Thanks for the feedback and support so far


(I added a small Canterlot reference, although not being around @ the time I'm not sure whether it's any good, any thoughts on that would be amazing)

[Toerana]

Going to bump this for feedback ^

Any views/thoughts/whatever is always greatly appreciated.

[Zukchiva]

This was suggested to me in my own on-going draft: put an introductory clause talking about the most distinguished traits of the nominee at the beginning of the resolution. Helps transition into the resolution from the introductory phrase “The SC,”.

Refrain from using “their”, in my opinion. A nation is one entity so “it” is more appropriate.

I’d give more nitpicks but I keep looking at Crow’s suggestions and they pretty much fix a lot of the same things I’m noticing. I’d recommend accepting Crow’s suggestions where appropriate.

[Numero Capitan]

Who?

[Giovanniland]

I think the start of the resolution is rather odd. It lacks an introductory clause that most resolutions have, and the first clause seems oddly placed in my opinion since the resolution is "Commend Kyorgia" but then it starts with "Recognizing that the nation of Congratulations On Being Featured..." — maybe it could be reworded to something like "Recognizing that the government of Kyorgia controls the satellite state of Congratulations On Being Featured..." or moved down the proposal text in order to flow better.

Another comment I'd make is that some contributions listed there don't seem commendable. The "Kyorgia Puppet Storage" clause is obvious fluff, and the cards-related achievements aren't particularly impressive — card farmers have been commended for much more than collecting a few legendaries and building a small collection, which is confirmed by the text of card-related C/Cs.

[A Bloodred Moon]

The Security Council,

Recognizing that the nation of Congratulations On Being Featured is a satellite state of Kyorgia, which sees them;

• Document globally featured regions from 2015 onward, forever preserving their state when featured;
• Sees constant encouragement supplied by its Foreign Office to governments of small and upcoming regions;

I am quite possibly misreading this, but to my knowledge (given the first bullet point seems to build on from the sentence above it), the second bullet point now says "which sees them sees constant encouragement..."

Understanding the dedication of its leadership to the Rejected Realms;

• Seeing it serve as its Delegation to the World Assembly for a period of 212 days;
  
  • Solidifying its relationship with The North Pacific, which culminated in the signing of the Unicorn Star Treaty between the two parties. This saw to further solidify the security of the Rejected Realms by allying itself with a region with a large, robust military power;
  • Overseeing the “Epic Gamer Party,” a joint cultural event between the Rejected Realms and the North Pacific, seeing a week of cultural events and games that member states could participate in;
  • Their stalwart support of The East Pacific during the attempted coup by the leadership of Fedele, ultimately seeing the Rejected Realms Army deploy in support of the legitimate government.
• Serving as an Officer of Outreach within the Rejected Realms;
  
  • Their encouragement of Reject culture, hosting events such as "Wisdom of the Crowds," where delegations participated in competitions surrounding Reject Culture;
  • Producing Bulletins alerting World Assembly members to their failure to endorse the regional delegation.

The Fedele thing doesn't seem particularly noteworthy, given practically everyone opposed it and Kyorgia's role in fighting the coup isn't exactly clarified on, currently only mentioning he happened to be delegate when the Fedele coup occurred.

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia, seeing their government serve two terms as Stateminister of Balder, serving for a total of 56 days, ensuring stability during transitional periods following the resignation of their predecessors;

Okay, how? What'd he do in that role? How is it commendable?

Applauding the formation of Kyorgia Puppet Storage;

• The Headquarters of the Kyosson Organization, which sees representatives from influential states participate in discourse surrounding a variety of important international issues;
• The Home of the Kyosson Empire, an interregional body that sees the unification of diverse sections of the world under the banner of Kyorgia;
• As a platform of representatives for a multitude of entities to interact from 25 allies states.

Not commendable, seems to be fluff. I suggest you cut it entirely.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 12,000 Bank, which includes artwork such as;

• Six copies of "Naughty Slave Girls";
• Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
• A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers."

I will leave it to cards players to figure out if this is impressive or not, but I fail to see how this is necessarily commendable.

Inspired by the dedication the leadership of Kyorgia to military affairs; including

• Having a rich military history, seeing their participation in many raider organisations, but later transitioning to become a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals;
• The foundation of Canterlot, a colourful organisation intent on spreading the colours of the rainbow and cartoon ponies across the world;
• Seeing their military participate in the sieges of notable regions, such as Boston, South Pacific and Christmas

The RRA thing could probably use expansion on Kyo's role within it. No comment on Canterlot, though I like the idea of commending someone for founding a tagging organisation.

Boston - which one? What'd Kyo do? South Pacific I can figure which one, but that was neither successful nor have I heard of Kyo playing a significant role in it.

You have enough space to make more convincing arguments for commendation, and even more space if you cut the fluff.

[Visionary Union]

The most important draft in the SC history, for sure.

[Toerana]

The most important draft in the SC history, for sure.

Thanks Vis

I am still pursuing this draft btw and a new iteration of the draft should be up very shortly.

EDIT: That Draft is now up on the OP.

[The Python]

Applauding the attempt to liberate Warzone Airspace from the hands of their Lazarene Occupiers;

• Overseeing the formation of a new government to hand power back into the hands of regional natives;
• Valiantly defending Warzone Airspace against multiple attempted invasions during the Second Liberation;

Not necessarily commendable. Technically the current government is still run by the Kyossons, so "back into the hands of regional natives" is misleading (though it could be considered that the Kyossons are natives, at least clarify)

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia,

This wording is confusing, it should be reworked to something like "Kyorgia's historical predecessor, Arastaoir.

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 11,000 Bank, which includes artwork such as;

• Seventeen copies of "Naughty Slave Girls," preserving multiple accounts of the priceless work of art for future generations;
• Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
• A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers," to forever preserve the nations who recognize and support Featured Regions alongside Kyorgia's satellite state of Congratulations on Being Featured.

All of this is fluff and not commendable. Like 30 people have 2 S1 Testlandias, hundreds of cards people have collections of friends or people they've worked with - the Featured Region Followers collection is nothing special.

[*]Having a rich military history, seeing their participation in many raider organisations, but later transitioning to become a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals;

Being a foot soldier in the RRA is not commendable on its own. Any major missions etc that Kyo participated in or even better, led? for example:

Emphasizing their participation in actions against raider forces throughout NationStates, numbering a staggering 6,556 operations, and including 3,822 defenses, 374 liberations, and 2,076 detags to clean up raider propaganda. Notable among these:

• The liberations of The Monarchist Entente, St Abbadon, Souls, Boston, Belgium, Japan, Eireann, Philippines, and Anontia when all faced occupations of over 30 raider nations.

The foundation of Canterlot, a colourful organisation intent on spreading the colours of the rainbow and cartoon ponies across the world;

Ew Canterlot, raiding is not exactly commendable. Also, if you really want to include it (which I recommend against), what even is Canterlot? I know, but not everyone necessarily does.

EDIT: Fixed quote tags

EDIT 2: What HS and Jo said, except for Jo's comment on Canterlot

[Toerana]

Applauding the attempt to liberate Warzone Airspace from the hands of their Lazarene Occupiers;

• Overseeing the formation of a new government to hand power back into the hands of regional natives;
• Valiantly defending Warzone Airspace against multiple attempted invasions during the Second Liberation;

Not necessarily commendable. Technically the current government is still run by the Kyossons, so "back into the hands of regional natives" is misleading (though it could be considered that the Kyossons are natives, at least clarify)

Ah, I see, as defenders are the current controllers of Warzone Airspace they are naturally doing this on behalf of the.... 1 remaining native, they just don't know it yet, hence the reference to natives.

Acknowledging that the former government of Arastaoir currently resides in Kyorgia,

This wording is confusing, it should be reworked to something like "Kyorgia's historical predecessor, Arastaoir.

I wanted to write in a manner that fit into the Security Council, but was also different from repeating "satellite state"

Impressed by the monumental collection of artwork gathered by art connoisseurs in the nation of Kyorgia, A collection valued at over 11,000 Bank, which includes artwork such as;

• Seventeen copies of "Naughty Slave Girls," preserving multiple accounts of the priceless work of art for future generations;
• Two first edition copies of Testlandia;
• A small collection of artwork produced by allied "Featured Region Followers," to forever preserve the nations who recognize and support Featured Regions alongside Kyorgia's satellite state of Congratulations on Being Featured.

All of this is fluff and not commendable. Like 30 people have 2 S1 Testlandias, hundreds of cards people have collections of friends or people they've worked with - the Featured Region Followers collection is nothing special.

It may be fluff, but it is impressive sounding fluff. Most importantly the Naughty Slave Girls subclause to highlight their dedication to that specific card.

[*]Having a rich military history, seeing their participation in many raider organisations, but later transitioning to become a member state of the Rejected Realms Army, further showing their dedication to the Rejected Realms and its ideals;

Being a foot soldier in the RRA is not commendable on its own. Any major missions etc that Kyo participated in or even better, led? for example:

Emphasizing their participation in actions against raider forces throughout NationStates, numbering a staggering 6,556 operations, and including 3,822 defenses, 374 liberations, and 2,076 detags to clean up raider propaganda. Notable among these:

• The liberations of The Monarchist Entente, St Abbadon, Souls, Boston, Belgium, Japan, Eireann, Philippines, and Anontia when all faced occupations of over 30 raider nations.

I'll have to research that a bit further, ta

The foundation of Canterlot, a colourful organisation intent on spreading the colours of the rainbow and cartoon ponies across the world;

Ew Canterlot, raiding is not exactly commendable. Also, if you really want to include it (which I recommend against), what even is Canterlot? I know, but not everyone necessarily does.

EDIT: Fixed quote tags

Pfft Canterlot is totally commendable, it was spreading joy and rainbows across nationstates!

[The Python]

Not necessarily commendable. Technically the current government is still run by the Kyossons, so "back into the hands of regional natives" is misleading (though it could be considered that the Kyossons are natives, at least clarify)

Ah, I see, as defenders are the current controllers of Warzone Airspace they are naturally doing this on behalf of the.... 1 remaining native, they just don't know it yet, hence the reference to natives.

insert pikathink emoji here

This wording is confusing, it should be reworked to something like "Kyorgia's historical predecessor, Arastaoir.

I wanted to write in a manner that fit into the Security Council, but was also different from repeating "satellite state"

Well try a different wording, as the current one is confusing

Ew Canterlot, raiding is not exactly commendable. Also, if you really want to include it (which I recommend against), what even is Canterlot? I know, but not everyone necessarily does.

EDIT: Fixed quote tags

Pfft Canterlot is totally commendable, it was spreading joy and rainbows across nationstates!

[/quote]
Pls

[Fauxia]

Honestly very listy when it comes to the actual achievements. I don't like it. The Delegate portions could definitely use more care.

[Minskiev]

Imo the "serving as" being repeated and "seeing it serve as" is boring. Make it different.

[Toerana]

I made the decision to submit this...

So, there's that