Auphelia is a bit of a unique target for condemnation -- that's why we think she deserves it. Some of you may never have heard of her because the World Assembly and Gameplay aren't her main focuses; but if you're a denizen of a feeder RMB you more likely than not know who she is. She's best summed up as "quite a character", "the life spirit of the RMB", or, alternatively, a series of strangling noises. In writing this draft, we took other roleplay-based C/Cs as a model and took inspiration from the creativity of past resolutions like Condemn Omigodtheykilledkenny. We've included a bunch of footnotes in the text which, of course, will not be present in the submitted version, but may help to explain the details in an atypical proposal that's already 4,900-something characters.
(Yes, if it's not clear, this is a condemnation-for-being-really-good-at-being-evil.)
Condemn Auphelia
A resolution to express shock and dismay at a nation or region.
Category: Condemnation | Nominee: Auphelia | Proposed by: Aumeltopia
The Security Council,
Beginning with lamentation that Auphelia has subjugated The South Pacific to its rule as a four-time Local Councillor of the region1;
Frightened by the sheer number of messages with which Auphelia has bombarded various regional message boards2, making it impossible for nations to keep up with vital diplomatic affairs,
Incensed that, to make matters worse, Auphelia has published many of these messages on trivial or pernicious topics in outrageous disregard of readers’ sanity (for example, repeatedly issuing statements consisting only of quotes from a certain satirical sitcom3, as well as flooding several regions with portraits of Auphelian cult leader Norman the Turtle, causing him to gain a following in other nations and leading to chaos and disruption in world communication4);
Sympathetic to the government of The South Pacific, which was forced to create an entirely new line of communication in the region of Knowhere in response to Auphelia’s persistent disregard for norms of diplomatic interaction5;
Mortified that Auphelia has inundated The South Pacific with hundreds of polls on wasteful or egocentric topics, of which it is best to mention only a few in order to preserve voters’ intellects, such as Cats: What are they? and What word best describes Auphelia?6;
Turning up its nose7 at the nine horrendous musicals Auphelian playwrights have authored, including The Gods, Tyrannical, and Helter Skelter8, which (in addition to the aforementioned polls) Auphelia sends to unconsenting nations in The East Pacific, The North Pacific, 10000 Islands, Forest, and elsewhere by commandeering The South Pacific’s embassies;
Quite annoyed that Auphelia claims its language consists only of words that look like “wheat”, causing foreigners to unintentionally insult Auphelia and cause diplomatic crises simply by saying “wheat wheat” when they mean “wheat wheat”9;
Appalled that Auphelia has wreaked havoc in world bureaucracy by instructing the officials of new nations to fill out fictitious forms and complete absurd or impossible actions as if they were enforceable law10;
Calling out Auphelia’s state media, Auphelia News Now, for its biased and scandal-focused journalism, which has involved reporting on a fabricated rodent takeover of the world and perpetuating the conspiracy theory that The South Pacific’s regional mascot had been kidnapped11;
Very disappointed that Auphelia allowed its satellite nation, Puddles the Puppy, to terrorize the regions of Lazarus and The East Pacific by sending an admittedly cute but secretly Auphelian-possessed puppy named Puddles to snuffle hundreds of national leaders to death12;
Tut-tutting at the fact that Auphelia supports roving bands of pirates, which not only make safe navigation of The South Pacific’s seas a nightmare, but have also invaded The North Pacific on several occasions13;
Enraged that Auphelia advocated the wholesale genocide of all marsupials, labelling nations with high marsupial populations as “marsupial scum” and establishing the Anti-Marsupial Council to arrest and interrogate marsupial sympathisers14;
Unable to express the full extent of its revulsion at Auphelia’s pioneering of so-called “creative torture” methods, including, as a small sampling:
- Ripping off the limbs of victims and shoving them in the victim’s eyes,15
- Chopping up victims and serving them in a soup cauldron,16
- Dipping victims in capsaicin,17
- Whacking victims with tentacles and lead pipes,18
- Flaying victims alive,19
- Cracking open victims’ rib cages and performing vivisections,20
- Sending waves of insects to enter the orifices of victims to eat the victim’s organs, lay their eggs, and eat through their flesh21, and
- Throwing victims into a woodchipper;22
Utterly horrified at the vast number of crimes against humanity, including the aforementioned as well as numerous others, which Auphelia has advocated or committed on victims from across the world and particularly frequently on citizens of The Solar System Scope and Si-Topia;
Revealing that Auphelia has turned these gross savageries into an industry, having established several immoral facilities from which it derives a great portion of its economic product:
- The Torture Labyrinth, in which hundreds of victims languish,23
- The Auphelian Hospital and Tetanus Emporium, from which no patient has yet emerged alive,24
- The Pleasure Centre, a strip club and erotic ice cream parlour25;
Simply shocked that Auphelia’s reign of terror in The South Pacific continues, unchecked, to this day;
Hereby Condemns Auphelia.
Coauthored by Rabbitz
- She's a Local Councillor now, as well. The Local Council is the three-member autonomous gameside government of TSP -- suppressing/moderating RMB posts, running polls, integrating new members, running anything else gameside members want to do, etc.
- 20,433 at the time of writing -- 8,000 above than the next-closest, and the third-most total in TSP's entire history.
- Her first month of RMB posts were largely quotes from 30 Rock.
- Norman the Turtle was a huge thing back in 2017 TSP. I think he made his way to other Pacifics as well. Here's a pretty typical Norman post; then it became a religion about which Norman made statements.
- All of the silly roleplay led to the creation of Knowhere, TSP's associated region for short, non-canon RMB roleplaying, so that it wouldn't take over the main RMB.
- 135 polls, as of writing. Other topics include "Pumpkins: Are they meant to be sweet?", "Best meat?" and "What fictional character does Auphelia remind you the most of?". The winning answers to the last one were "Dolores Umbridge" and "Maleficent".
- Auphelia's style is exaggerated, creative and certainly not very serious. We tried to use wording that reflected those qualities and stretch the bounds of seriousness instead of using "noting" and "recalling" over and over again.
- See here for all the musicals and their texts.
- See here, here, here, and here for examples. Some of my personal favorites.
- See here, here, and here.
- See here, here, here, and here.
- List of all Puddles's posts here. Here's a typical post.
- See here.
- Via polls and posts.
- See here.
- See here.
- Not going to link this one. Too gruesome.
- Not going to link this one either.
- See here, here, and here.
- See note 18.
- Or this one.
- See here and here for examples.
- See here and here.
- See here and here.
- See here.
