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[DRAFT] Commend Donjia

A chamber dedicated to the dissemination of inter-regional peace and goodwill, via force if necessary.
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Artsotska
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[DRAFT] Commend Donjia

Postby Artsotska » Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:27 am

Edited Draft No. 02

Recognising the region Donjia, being one of the most friendliest regions on NationStates and being a region that opens it's arms to anyone looking for an opportunity,

Noting that Donjia has many members who have prioritised their government to be more efficient and organised, who have worked hard to create a region dedicated to peace and freedom, who have helped improve the environment, to provide aid to other region, and providing a safe haven to those who are personally considered "different", (specifically defining "different" as LGBT+, Autistic, Disabled or impared, ect,

Observing that Donjia has worked with many other regions and is one of the most diplomatic regions on NationStates, also adding that they have aided and collaborated with many regions including the Mighty Alliance and the International Democratic Union,

Glad to say that this region has aided in the liberation and protection of many regions,

Hereby Commends,
Donjia


No I am not from this region, lol. If you have any ideas on what I should addon, I would appreciate it greatly. Please do go right into butchering and I'll just constantly edit it and add to it.
Last edited by Artsotska on Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:30 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Kuriko
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Postby Kuriko » Tue Aug 06, 2019 6:20 am

There isn't nearly enough here to warrant a commendation.
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Postby Kaboomlandia » Tue Aug 06, 2019 10:23 am

In addition to what Kuriko has said regarding the lack of any unique accomplishments by this region - these same accomplishments can be applied to hundreds or thousands of regions - it's generally not a good look to try and commend your own region. I would drop this.
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Artsotska
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Postby Artsotska » Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:04 pm

Kaboomlandia wrote:In addition to what Kuriko has said regarding the lack of any unique accomplishments by this region - these same accomplishments can be applied to hundreds or thousands of regions - it's generally not a good look to try and commend your own region. I would drop this.

Ha! My region... Not my region, look for your self.
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Eumaeus
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Postby Eumaeus » Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:20 pm

Artsotska wrote:Recognising the region Donjia as one of the most friendliest regions in NationStates and being a region that opens its arms to anyone looking for an opportunity,

This clause flows strangely, and could be easily changed to convey a single coherent thought. Generally speaking the correct phrasing is "in NationStates" instead of "on NationStates", because NationStates is canonically the name of the multiverse in which the game takes place. Lastly, it should be "its", not "it's".
Noting that Donjia has many member nations that have prioritised their government to be more efficient and organised, who have worked hard to create a region dedicated to peace and freedom, and who have helped improve the environment,

The use of "members" and "who" throughout this clause are itching at the part of my brain that identifies Rule 4 violations. I switched up the language to make it more obvious that you are referring to nations, as opposed to players. Regardless, that "has" should be a "have".
Observing that Donjia has worked with many other regions and is one of the most diplomatic regions in NationStates,

I fail to see how a region of 18 members with only 47 embassies could possibly be called "one of the most diplomatic regions on NationStates". This region does seem to have been involved to some degree in at least three interregional alliances, but none of them appear to be particularly impressive or active (or in the case of one of them existent... until recently that is).

Overall it has next to no substance and is not particularly well written. While I encourage the author to stick around and participate in the Security Council, in my opinion it is highly unlikely that any fruit will be borne from this endeavor.


Edit:
Artsotska wrote:
Kaboomlandia wrote:In addition to what Kuriko has said regarding the lack of any unique accomplishments by this region - these same accomplishments can be applied to hundreds or thousands of regions - it's generally not a good look to try and commend your own region. I would drop this.

Ha! My region... Not my region, look for your self.

Regarding these comments, I would like to point out that while it does not seem to have actually come to be (due to some sort of voter fraud in the target region), the author's region and the target region have previously considered merging into a single federation. Personally I don't see it as a particularly strong conflict of interest, but I feel that others may disagree.
Last edited by Eumaeus on Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wayneactia
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Postby Wayneactia » Tue Aug 06, 2019 3:16 pm

Who?

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Artsotska
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Postby Artsotska » Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:45 am

Artsotska wrote:Ha! My region... Not my region, look for your self.


Quoted from Eumaeus's post:

Regarding these comments, I would like to point out that while it does not seem to have actually come to be (due to some sort of voter fraud in the target region), the author's region and the target region have previously considered merging into a single federation. Personally I don't see it as a particularly strong conflict of interest, but I feel that others may disagree.[/quote]

I see. Well there were a lot of disagreements into the who event, and we eventually completely decided not too at all. I thank you for the suggestions and edits, I appreciate it more than people who just flat out go against a draft. Those kinds of people are no help.

Edit: Also, if anyone was wondering, that disagreement was decided offsite.
Last edited by Artsotska on Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:49 am, edited 2 times in total.
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East Meranopirus
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Postby East Meranopirus » Sat Aug 10, 2019 4:47 am

Artsotska wrote:I thank you for the suggestions and edits, I appreciate it more than people who just flat out go against a draft. Those kinds of people are no help.

Those suggestions and edits are more for any (good) future proposals that you may decide to write, since as he said himself, he doesn't see this working. If you do decide to write any in the future, please have more substance than this, like specific regions/organizations, specific events, and specific accomplishments.
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Bhang Bhang Duc
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Sat Aug 10, 2019 4:55 am

Artsotska wrote:Recognising the region Donjia, being one of the most friendliest regions on NationStates and being a region that opens it's arms to anyone looking for an opportunity,

Poorly written and generic. I’m sure many regions would claim to be amongst the friendliest.

Artsotska wrote:Noting that Donjia has many members who have prioritised their government to be more efficient and organised, who have worked hard to create a region dedicated to peace and freedom, and who has helped improve the environment,

Another generic clause, there’s nothing here other regions couldn’t claim.

Artsotska wrote:Observing that Donjia has worked with many other regions and is one of the most diplomatic regions on NationStates,

Really? Prove it.

Artsotska wrote:Hereby Commends,
Donjia


Overall a mediocre effort. There’s nothing in your draft that makes Donja stand out as a region worthy of a Commendation.
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Artsotska
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Postby Artsotska » Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:32 am

East Meranopirus wrote:
Artsotska wrote:I thank you for the suggestions and edits, I appreciate it more than people who just flat out go against a draft. Those kinds of people are no help.

Those suggestions and edits are more for any (good) future proposals that you may decide to write, since as he said himself, he doesn't see this working. If you do decide to write any in the future, please have more substance than this, like specific regions/organizations, specific events, and specific accomplishments.

I should just not anymore. I'm running out of ideas.
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East Meranopirus
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Postby East Meranopirus » Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:45 am

Artsotska wrote:I should just not anymore. I'm running out of ideas.

I would say you've been confined to your small region and your equally small allies. SC Resolutions usually cover big names.

Also, the second draft still lacks in details. For example, how has the region cooperated with the two others you listed? Also, how can you verify that there are actual people in the region with special needs (as opposed to just claiming to)?
Last edited by East Meranopirus on Sat Aug 10, 2019 5:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Wayneactia
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Postby Wayneactia » Sat Aug 10, 2019 8:11 am

Artsotska wrote:
East Meranopirus wrote:Those suggestions and edits are more for any (good) future proposals that you may decide to write, since as he said himself, he doesn't see this working. If you do decide to write any in the future, please have more substance than this, like specific regions/organizations, specific events, and specific accomplishments.

I should just not anymore. I'm running out of ideas.


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Bhang Bhang Duc
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Sat Aug 10, 2019 2:09 pm

Artsotska wrote:Recognising the region Donjia, being one of the most friendliest regions on NationStates and being a region that opens it's arms to anyone looking for an opportunity,

Same grammatical mistake as in the first draft - pointed out to you by Eumaeus. You really should correct that.

Artsotska wrote:Noting that Donjia has many members who have prioritised their government to be more efficient and organised, who have worked hard to create a region dedicated to peace and freedom, who have helped improve the environment, to provide aid to other region, and providing a safe haven to those who are personally considered "different", (specifically defining "different" as LGBT+, Autistic, Disabled or impared, ect,

Clunky is the only way I can describe this clause. Clunky and with added spelling mistakes. Also nations aren’t persons, so the last bit of this clause may well be an R4 violation.

Artsotska wrote:Observing that Donjia has worked with many other regions and is one of the most diplomatic regions on NationStates, also adding that they have aided and collaborated with many regions including the Mighty Alliance and the International Democratic Union,

This would be the International Democratic Union recently refounded by The Black Hawks?

Artsotska wrote:Glad to say that this region has aided in the liberation and protection of many regions,

Except of course the aforementioned International Democratic Union. Maybe it should read
Glad to say that this region has aided in the liberation and protection of many regions, but unfortunately they’re not very good at it.

Any other regions they’ve helped “protect”?

Artsotska wrote:Hereby Commends,
Donjia

Let’s not.
Last edited by Bhang Bhang Duc on Sat Aug 10, 2019 2:23 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Postby Bears Armed » Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:58 am

Artsotska wrote:Observing that Donjia has worked with many other regions and is one of the most diplomatic regions on NationStates, also adding that they have aided and collaborated with many regions including the Mighty Alliance and the International Democratic Union,
OOC
The latter region's name should properly start with an upper-case 'T': Are you trying to fool people into thinking that Donja has "aided and collaborated with" the better-known that's called the International Democratic Union?
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