NationStates

This is a draft if the first proposal does not pass, please tweak it and make it perfect for the security council to accept, and approve.

Noting the region i got nukes back off and members of i got nukes back off attempted a shocking event to raid the region of Justice.

Recognizing the creation of a puppet nation called Dragon Territory to place in power.

Aware that it required forces from i got nukes back off to endorse the Colony of Dragon Territory which include Talos Prime, and The DOVAH Sector.

Committed once in power the colony of Dragon Territory went on to excessively harm and wreck havoc on the growing region of Justice. First, by removing the elected WA Delegate, Holly United from power and then attempting to strike the glaringly unjust raid on Kappa Region by hijacking Justice's World Factbook Entry to accuse Kappa Region of the invasion, as opposed to themselves.

Shocked that this was a conspiracy to falsely portray the raid on Kappa Region and attempt to damper relations with other regions,

Dismayed at the fact that this was unnecessarily disruptive for the growth of Justice as the population of Justice has dropped from 17 to 8,

Appalled by the region's usage of Justice as a tool to advance their own ends,

Herby Condemns i got nukes back off for conspiracy and for disproportionately severing the region of Justice.

I'm here not to criticise this proposal but to say that you should edit your proposal or make a spoiler for second draft, rather than creating an entirely new thread

The Federation of Kendor wrote:I'm here not to criticise this proposal but to say that you should edit your proposal or make a spoiler for second draft, rather than creating an entirely new thread

So in my first thread Just put a spoiler for the 2nd draft in the top text right ?

New Socialist Saxony wrote:

The Federation of Kendor wrote:I'm here not to criticise this proposal but to say that you should edit your proposal or make a spoiler for second draft, rather than creating an entirely new thread

So in my first thread Just put a spoiler for the 2nd draft in the top text right ?

Yes. Also, i think there is still some more things that must be improved

The Federation of Kendor wrote:

New Socialist Saxony wrote:So in my first thread Just put a spoiler for the 2nd draft in the top text right ?

Yes. Also, i think there is still some more things that must be improved

Ok so ill post a spoiler in the first one and is there a way to delete the thread ? Sorry im pretty new to the forums here

New Socialist Saxony wrote:

The Federation of Kendor wrote:Yes. Also, i think there is still some more things that must be improved

Ok so ill post a spoiler in the first one and is there a way to delete the thread ? Sorry im pretty new to the forums here

You can't. You can delete it if there is only one post and that it's the starting post by you. Otherwise you can't, though you can delete forum posts. Also, i think you must increase the writing to be more better, and read through some SC proposals to give you idea

The Federation of Kendor wrote:

New Socialist Saxony wrote:Ok so ill post a spoiler in the first one and is there a way to delete the thread ? Sorry im pretty new to the forums here

You can't. You can delete it if there is only one post and that it's the starting post by you. Otherwise you can't, though you can delete forum posts. Also, i think you must increase the writing to be more better, and read through some SC proposals to give you idea

Okie dokie well thank you for letting me know of that idea next time I won't start a new thread, I will try and make it better, anything certain that you think should stay or be removed ?

I looked at some passed proposals and tried to add to my draft to make it look more presentable and acceptable, please let me know what you think.

New Socialist Saxony wrote:I looked at some passed proposals and tried to add to my draft to make it look more presentable and acceptable, please let me know what you think.

It is s slight improvement over your present proposal. However, it is still incoherent in parts and as unlikely to pass as the current one.

The Federation of Kendor wrote:I'm here not to criticise this proposal but to say that you should edit your proposal or make a spoiler for second draft, rather than creating an entirely new thread

No, they should not. The previously existing proposal isn't going to go away--quite the opposite, it is just about to go to vote. The OP shouldn't confuse people by posting a different proposal in the older one's thread.

Now, to the draft:

New Socialist Saxony wrote:Noting the region i got nukes back off and members of i got nukes back off attempted a shocking event to raid the region of Justice.

The first link is broken, and the second one is unnecessary. We don't need you to link us to the region every time you say its name. Also, the clause is very redundant. Simply saying "Noting the region i got nukes back off attempted a raid on the region of Justice" would be much better.

Recognizing the creation of a puppet nation called Dragon Territory to place in power.

Relevance? That's pretty standard raider protocol. You use puppets to invade.

Aware that it required forces from i got nukes back off to endorse the Colony of Dragon Territory which include Talos Prime, and The DOVAH Sector.

Yeah, that's what a raid is.

Committed once in power the colony of Dragon Territory went on to excessively harm and wreck havoc on the growing region of Justice.

I can't find any evidence of this. Care to back up your claims?

First, by removing the elected WA Delegate, Holly United from power

AKA a raid.

and then attempting to strike the glaringly unjust raid on Kappa Region by hijacking Justice's World Factbook Entry to accuse Kappa Region of the invasion, as opposed to themselves.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here. How do you strike a raid on someone?

Shocked that this was a conspiracy to falsely portray the raid on Kappa Region and attempt to damper relations with other regions,

"Damper" is not a verb.

Dismayed at the fact that this was unnecessarily disruptive for the growth of Justice as the population of Justice has dropped from 17 to 8,

That's a bullshit number. Since the raid, the regional population has only dropped by four nations, including three ejections of raiders when the government took back the region, and one ejection later on. Excluding ejections, the regional population hasn't changed at all due to the raid.

Appalled by the region's usage of Justice as a tool to advance their own ends,

How so? What did they use Justice to do?

Herby Condemns i got nukes back off for conspiracy and for disproportionately severing the region of Justice.

This clause does not make sense. Please consult the definition of "sever".

You don't get to have a thread for each redraft of a proposal. Either withdraw the proposal and draft your new one in the existing thread, or wait until the submitted one has been voted on; if it's rejected you may then try another draft in a new thread - but not before.