Drop Your Pants wrote:Not a bad draft for a first.NOTING that Oson Empire is killing civilians in attempt to restore power in the Jovian Islands.
Who's civilians?Adding a "their" could help.
CONVINCED that in order to liberate mankind from such an odious scourge that is needed is international cooperation,
There's something about that sentence that doesn't work but can't put my finger on it.RECALLING that the international protection should be of concern to all members of the WA.
Where do you recall that from? My nation doesn't give a toss what happens to others.WITH HOPE that WA members to give sufficient importance to this proposal.
Lose the "to". In fact, lose the whole line. Its a bit out of place.
I know this is a RP proposal but it lacks the deepness needed to get past the usual SC crowd.
Noting that Oson Empire is killed Jovian Islands's civilians.


Adding a "their" could help.



