A parade of sweaty polyester suits and blackberries emerged into the Security Council; by all accounts they were the incarnation of corporate evil. Some staff photographers flocked to take pictures of the spectacle, others opted to eat lunch and figured they'd use instead stock photographs of slippery-law-school hacks congregating for arraignment.
Eduard arose from his delegation's table having been sleeping.
"
Michael? What are you doing here with this barrage of attorneys?" Eduard called out.
Amongst the lobby's invasion by a crowd of pencil-pushers, a confused man pointed to himself and snapped back at Eduard, "
I'M JOHN... NOT MICHAEL!"
Eduard apologized and pointed to another one of the bald bespectacled men, "
Michael?"
"
I'M NOT MICHAEL, I'M JOHN!" screamed the lawyer.
Another bald bespectacled man popped out of the crowd and shouted out at Eduard, "
I'M MICHAEL WILKINS JD!"
Eduard shook his head, "
Nah, I'mm looking for Michael Wilkins LL.B.," Eduard called out as the mob of lawyers murmured amongst themselves. Michael Wilkins JD sulked in defeat, Eduard would have been a fantastic client; rich and always in trouble. Immediately after announcing his full title, a similarly bald bespectacled man emerged from the homogeneous crowd holding his blackberry like an Olympic torch held above mere mortals.
"
GREETINGS MR. HEIR! LONG-TIME NO SEE, MR. HEIR! HEH. THIS IS MICHAEL WILKINS LL.B!" the man called out.
Eduard and Michael convened at the delegation's table, "
What the hell is going on Michael? Why did you bring the lawyers here!?" Eduard asked impatiently.
Michael stiffened up, "
The Nation of Unibot II asserts its complete and utter sovereignty from the former nation of Unibot by enacting its first special decree as a separate independent governing body!"
Eduard was confused "
.. Unibot-Two.. separate? Huh? What's this decree."
Michael gritted his teeth, "
Our first decree as erm.. a sovereign nation is that all international recognition and applause of Unibot's good deeds shall be conferred to Unibot II. But all negative international recognition, including but not limited to, condemnation and public outrage for war-crimes allegations, environmental devastations, violations of weapon agreements, arms manufacturing for terrorist organizations etc. shall be conferred to Unibot... which legally consists of just.. you. President Eduard Heir and non-co."
Eduard rubbed his head.. he was too hungover for this debate, "
Wait what? Unibot-Two is different than Unibot? I just kept thinking Kuno was photocopying our documents wrong."
Kuno Krugner interjected from afar, "
Eduard *like* I told you a thousands times it wasn't *like* a smudge or anything."
Michael rolled his eyes and pulled out Unibot II's constitution, a large scroll that unravelled so long that it covered most of the lobby.. with tiny fine print that only a gnome's mother could love.
Michael read the first line of the constitution using special spectacles that looked as though they could x-ray Schroedinger's cat to death,
"WE THE PEOPLES, BOTH HUMAN AND LEGAL FICTIONS, DO SO ASSERT OUR INDEPENDENCE FROM UNIBOT AS THE SEPARATE NATION OF UNIBOT II BY NOTING WITH REGRET:
(1) BOTH A DEVASTATING METEOR STORM ON OUR LAND AND SUCH A BAD CREDIT RATING THAT NO HUMANITARIAN SPONSOR WOULD EVEN TOUCH OUR CHARITY BENEFITS,
(2) THE STATE OF MASS AGGRESSIVE AND DISCRIMINATIVE ANTI-DUMPING LAWS AND TRADE SANCTIONS TARGETING UNIBOT,
(3) THE DECADES' WORTH OF DEBT THAT UNIBOT HAS ACCUMULATED FROM SHADY BUSINESS INVESTMENTS IN COLD FUSION, MALE BIRTH CONTROL AND THE STRANGERS BAR,
AND FURTHER NOTING ALL OF THESE PROBLEMS THAT FACE US AND MORE COULD BE ALLEVIATED WITH THE LEGAL AND INTERNATIONAL RECOGNITION OF UNIBOT II."
Michael scanned to the bottom of the constitution and read the signatories,
"SIGNED PRESIDENT EDUARD HEIR, MICHAEL WILKSON LL.B, JOHN D. ROBERTSON LL.B, JOHN T.H HENDERSON LL.B, JOHN M. SANDERSON LL.B, JOHN B. WOLVERTON LL.B... etc. ON THIS DATE, JANUARY 10 2011."
Michael pointed to Eduard's signature on the constitution, "
See? That's your signature..."
Eduard looked at the signature on the parchment closely and nodded, "
Oh yeah.. the one with the happy face. Hhmp. Well I guess you got me! Do I get to keep my money?"
Michael was confused, "
What money!? Mr. Heir, you haven't legally existed for years... your estate was passed onto your widow, Mrs. Heir Industries Inc. and your son, Master Heir Industries Inc."
Eduard nodded, "
So THAT'S why the members of my AA meeting always look like they've seen a ghost *chuckles* I've been wondering about that for a while now."
Michael grabbed hold of Eduard and whispered into his ear, "
Consider yourself lucky, if you weren't so popular with the stockholders we would have already used our power of attorney to euthanize you back in the nineties, you lucky bastard!"
Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 8:49 am
