"Good evening, gents! And where would you happen to be from?"
"England!"
"What the hell are you doing here? Fuck off!"
-Exchange between Tsar Ivan XI 'The Red' and the captain of a British force of Light Dragoons prior to the Battle of Cydonia
"Death himself runs before me! And he is AFRAID!"
-Ivan the Red during the Battle of Cydonia
"Prisoners? There are no prisoners."
-Ivan the Red after the Battle of Cydonia
"Aim for the officers! They're the fat ones with the faces that look like lemons!"
-Ivan the Red, frequently shouted while in the presence of British officers.
"Mercy is always in short supply...But bullets...we have lots of bullets."
-Ivan the Red on the treatment of the enemy wounded
"If you can scream that loudly you're fine! Get back to the line or feel the flat of my sword!"
-Ivan the Red on the treatment of friendly wounded
"Surrender? No, I'm leading a charge!"
-Ivan the Red shortly before decapitating a British general prior to a battle
"England? Why the HELL would I invade that bog? The only reason to take that shithole would be to use it as a prison colony!"
-Ivan the Red on the English climate
"Triple rations of spirits to the platoon that brings me that man's head!"
-Ivan the Red, directed at a British officer who allegedly shouted that the Tsar was a drunk
"God is with us! And if the bastard changes his mind we'll knock down St. Peter's Gates!"
-Ivan the Red to a clergymen after being admonished for his treatment of prisoners
"The war stops at Buckingham! I want one of those fuzzy hats!"
-Ivan the Red admits to a fondness for bearskins.
"Whatever they've got, we have the Cossacks, and they have not!"
-Ivan the Red during the Battle of Deadhorse
Tsar Ivan XI ruled the Russian Empire from during the years 3194-3212 and is widely regarded as being a great general, a man of many talents, utterly lacking in any sort of manners, and possibly insane. His great achievement was the conquest of Mars, driving out virtually all British resistance, often employing tactics considered brutal even in the rather chaotic time he ruled. The meaning of his most common title, 'The Red' is considered to be threefold, referring to Mars, as the 'red planet' obviously, the Russian meaning where the color red is associated with beauty, and, most importantly, to his rather bloodthirsty nature.
His combined arms tactics, employing simultaneous strikes from ground, air and space forces were revolutionary in their time and, indeed, set the pattern for warfare until the present day.
While often publicly condemned, many Russians hold a soft spot in their hearts for Ivan. Curiously, the man was a strict teetotaler.
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"Private! How many stars are in the sky?"
"I don't know sir, but I shall endeavor to count them!"
-Exchange between General M. Kutusov and a private of the Imperial Russian Army
General Kutusov and his mentor, General Suvorov, are both regarded as being the unofficial patron saints of the Russian military, despite not being, as a matter of fact, saints. Both revolutionized the Russian army, its training and deployment, as well as the manner in which it fought its battles. Kutusov, while not quite up to par with the genius of Suvorov, is still known for his tactical skills, many of his failings in the Napoleonic Wars being due more to political pressure than his own shortcomings. He was well liked by his men and the above exchange typifies the loyalty he received from his soldiers.
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"Curls are not cannons, hairpowder is not gunpowder, and I, sir, am not a German!"
-Gen. A. Suvorov to Tsar Paul I on his military 'reforms'
"Death before the defensive!"
-Gen. A. Suvorov
"Win with ability, not with numbers."
-Gen. A. Suvorov
"No battle can be won without study, and theory without practice is dead."
-Gen. A. Suvorov
"The more comfort there is, the less courage."
-Gen. A. Suvorov
"If the enemy is driven back, we have failed. When he is cut off, surrounded, and dispersed, we have succeed."
-Gen. A. Suvorov
If General Kutusov is the Russian army's saint, then Suvorov is its god. A genius of his time, having never lost a battle in his long military career, his tactics influenced Russian combat doctrine for a solid 200 years before once again rising to prominence with the development of the linear musket. Possibly his best known campaign was the invasion of Italy in the late 18th century, driving the French virtually off of the Peninsular before being forced to withdraw due to the machinations of the British and Austrians who feared the development of Russian colonies in their area of influence.
Suvorov's death was tragic, on his return to Russia he was disgraced by the Tsar, who disliked him intensly. Denied a triumphal entry to St. Petersburg for his conquests and sent into exile where he soon died, his funeral attended only by a few minor functionaries and the British ambassador. His legacy was revitalized when his protege Kutosov took over the army and his spirit has since been said to watch over the Russian army.
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"Gentlemen of Britain, perhaps you would care to fire first?"
-Gen. P. Repnin, Battle of the Pyramids (Mars)
"Where does it hurt, son?"
"Nowhere, sir! Niechevo!"
-Exchange between Gen. P. Repnin and a grievously wounded private after the Battle of the Pyramids
"My lord, it might perhaps be wise in these circumstances to send the English prisoners back with their feet this time."
-Gen. P. Repnin to Tsar Ivan the Red
"To take St. Peter's Gate, sir, we would need a soldier without sin."
-Gen. P. Repnin to Tsar Ivan the Red
"It's nothing personal, sir, but I'm afraid my orders are to kill all of you."
-Gen. P. Repnin to the British commander prior to the Battle of Salem
General Paul Repnin is regarded as being the consummate gentlemen, ideal officer and one of the greatest professional soldiers to have lived, his legacy is remembered fondly outside of Russia, particularly in Britain, the British apparently being willing to admit that he beat them in a straight-up fight, as well as praising his dry sense of humor. He, like Suvorov and Kutusov, inspired great loyalty among his soldiers, taking great pains to set his standard of living on campaign no higher than theirs and adopting a paternal status, viewing himself as taking the same role the Tsar takes towards his country. He was also known as something of a dandy when it came to clothes, taking to the battlefield in full dress uniform on a horse, where he would ride up and down the line encouraging his soldiers.
He is also one of the few men to have successfully befriended Tsar Ivan the Red, and could, on occasion, persuade him to acts of mercy, or at least non-horrific-violence. His contributions to the Martian War were no less than those of his ruler.
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"By Imperial Decree, We, Tsar Nicholas IV, shall be buried in the courtyard of our Winter Palace and watered no less than thrice daily, and provided with quality fertilizer in the winter months, as well as covered against frost, that we may grow and flourish as the trees of the Earth, bringing bounty and glory to the Russian Empire!"
-Tsar Nicholas IV 'The Mad' shortly before his death
Nicholas IV reigned briefly during the year 2209. Two days after being crowned he issued the above decree, which was carried out dutifully by his servants. He later suffocated, but his order is carried out to this day with a memorial oak planted on the spot where he died.
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"For the Empress! Not a step back, lads!"
-Lt. P. Aznabaev of the Izmailovski Guard during the Battle of Nikolayevsky Station. 1,556 men held off over 10,000 Bolsheviks to allow the Empress Anastasia I to escape Moscow
Lt. Peter Aznabaev is regarded as the ideal of the Russian soldier, standing firm in the face of insurmountable odds and fighting to his last breath. When the recently crowned Empress Anastasia found herself cut off after the ill-fated Battle of Moscow in 1919, he, as the only remaining officer of the regiment in the city, took command and stood his ground until they were, at last, overrun. His actions allowed the Empress to escape, thus permitting the White Movement to continue and eventually triumph over the Communist forces.
He was later canonized as a saint, along with the members of the Imperial Family who died in 1917, and is frequently invoked by Russian commanders who expect to be taking part in a last stand of some sort.
The Order of Aznabaev is a medal issued to soldiers, usually posthumously, who fight against incredible odds and achieve their objective. A statue to him stands before the Tsar Nicholas Station in Moscow, along with the St. Andrew's Crosses marking the locations where each man of the regiment fell.
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"I'm their commanding officer, and they scare the hell out of me."
-Polkovnik M. Makarov on the Pavlovsk Lifeguard Regiment
"Up the Hill of Bayonets! Forward! Forward! Bodies of steel and hearts of stone! Ourah!"
-Polkovnik M. Makarov during the Siege of San Francisco City Hall
The Pavlovsk Grenadier regiment is regarded as one of the best in the Imperial Guard, a unit which is, in and of itself, regarded as elite. Their career had an ill-timed start at the Battle of Friedland, but the regiment soon recovered and, adopted a policy of charging through just about anything to get at their foes. A particularly famous example occurred when a unit of Swiss infantry fighting for the French retreated across a river, setting the bridge on fire as they withdrew. The depot battalion of the regiment charged across the bridge and into the town the Swiss occupied, clearing the buildings at bayonet point.
Colonel Makarkov allegedly made the above remark on being given command of the regiment, however, he displayed little fear of his men when he led them into battle during the Pacific War against the United States of America, taking the city of San Francisco in what is frequently remembered as "Makarkov's Mad Charge" against the City Hall. The 'Hill of Bayonets' in the relevant quote refers to the stairs of the building, allegedly due to the large crowd of soldiers engaged in close quarters combat.
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"Separation of church and state is a preposterous policy. I am the church, I am the state. Separating the two would be no less than separating my head from my body."
-Empress Elizabeth III 'The Autocrat' on separation of church and state
"One man, one vote. It is a good policy. I get the vote."
-Empress Elizabeth III 'The Autocrat' on voting rights.
"You may as well expect a donkey to fly a spacecraft."
-Empress Elizabeth III 'The Autocrat' on the concept of government by the people.
"My good man, I really do not think that is going to happen."
-Empress Elizabeth III 'The Autocrat' on the idea of equal rights for all.
"You there! Be happy!"
-Empress Elizabeth III 'The Autocrat', proving that happiness can be achieved through autocratic rule.
Elizabeth III, whom some called 'Lizzy' at their own peril, was the virtual personification of the principals of autocracy, ruling the Russian Empire with a very dainty iron glove, which she was alleged to hit people with if they displeased her. Laughing off such concepts as 'democracy' and 'freedom' she proved to be an extremely capable and formidable woman. Her modest reign from 2313 to 2327 saw greatly reduced corruption, and improved foreign relations to the point where a brief war over possession of Poland ended with both sides agreeing to a status-quo-ante-bellum with the added bonus of killing all the Polish rebels who had sprung up during the war.
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"We must be constantly prepared for war with our ancient enemies, the Poles. And the Turks. And the Swedes. And the French. And the British. And the Japanese. And the Germans. And the Americans. And the Spanish. And the..."
-Tsar Fyodor IV 'The True Russian'
"We need bigger guns, much bigger!"
-Tsar Fyodor IV 'The True Russian'
"It has been proven that invading India with 200,000 men is pure folly. Therefore, we shall invade India with two million men!"
-Tsar Fyodor IV 'The True Russian'
Fyodor IV was known for his sense of humor, overeager nature and tendency to throw people at problems until they went away. This worked well in his various wars, although it left the male youth of Russia virtually extinct at the end of his reign. He also had a strong role in removing the German influence from the Russian officer corps in his era, as well as reestablishing various nationalist institutes of the Russian Empire.
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"We decree in this year of 2198 that shall be established the Imperial Football League, to be based upon the American game of Football, which we hold to be among the pinnacles of sport. We also decree that all those who attend the games of the IFL shall receive a free serving of beer and nachos, as we are of the opinion that these consumables are key to the enjoyment of the sport. Make it so!"
-Empress Anastasia II
"I was never meant to rule, I love my people far too much."
-Empress Anastasia II
Anastasia II is, as the above quote implies, regarded as having been far too soft of a ruler, who spent much of her time slumming in St. Petersburg in various bars. Amazingly, she survived this and died of old age, and possibly alcohol poisoning, while being amazingly popular. She is said to have been the most scandalous ruler in Russian history, partly because she went to the sort of parties nobles don't get invited to. Although no pictorial evidence exists, she is alleged to have dyed her hair purple and taken part in a music concert of some sort in the year 2200 which, if true, would make her the only ruler of Russia to have done so.
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"Retreat? We are advancing on Siberia, General."
-Empress Anastasia I 'The Savior' to General Kolchak after the defeat of the White Army at Moscow
"My father, mother and sisters died in a basement and my brother bled to death on the snow. They drove us from our home, they shattered our country. God forgive me, but I will see them all dead."
[b]-Empress Anastasia I 'The Savior' on the Bolsheviks
"I will strike your name from every record in Russia, your body will be burned and the ashes thrown into the sea. Your name will never be spoken again on this world. The Motherland has turned her back on you, as has God and every true Russian. May you burn in Hell forever, knowing that nobody remembers you."
-Empress Anastasia I 'The Savior' to Vladimir Lenin on the day of his execution
Empress Anastasia I is known as 'The Savior' for her role in reuniting Russia in the chaotic period of the Civil War, rallying White forces and leading a counter revolution. In her youth she was known as 'the imp' for her mischievous and occasional cruel nature, but the events of her family's murder are said to have changed her personality significantly. She proved to be a strong military leader, and her talents proved useful over the course of the war, despite the social issues of her age. It is very hard to tell an Empress what not to do.
While most of her reign was fairly peaceful, lasting until the turn of the 21st century, she held a strong hatred for Communists and Socialists, and her brutality in dealing with them has become somewhat legendary. Despite this, her reign saw a marked improvement in the lot of the average peasant, allegedly as part of her attempts to prove that Communism was not a requirement for the average man to prosper.
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"Alaska! Gateway to Empire!"
-Empress Elizabeth II on the war in Alaska
Daughter of Anastasia I, Elizabeth II launched the renewed Russian Empire into its first colonial war with the collapsed of the United States after its war with China in the 21st century, rapidly securing Alaska and setting the stage for further expansion southwards. This was, initially, simply to 'secure the state of Alaska against Communist revolutionaries" but the occupation became permanent when the United States fell into civil war.
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"California, here I come. Gonna slaughter some Meks-i-kuns."
-Tsar Boris II, colloquially known as 'Boris the Sociopath'
"They look like Mongols to me. I'm pretty sure Mongols killed somebody I'm related to."
-Tsar Boris II on Mexicans
Boris II was a curious ruler, who combined great charm and social skill with a ruthlessness which caused some to speculate that his mother had copulated with a viper. Holding no qualms about large, expansionist, wars, he invaded Oregon, Wasington and California in the mid 21st century, his blitzkrieg-style campaign resulting in a quick victory known as the "One Month War". Even to this day, he is used as a bogeyman of sorts among the Spanish-speaking population of Kalifornia.
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"Hawaii...Should I have heard of it?"
-Tsar Victor I 'Of Hawaii' (Also known as 'The Confused' by court rumor)
"Perhaps the army should...advance?"
-Tsar Victory I 'Of Hawaii' on his strategy for driving the Spanish from the islands
Victor I is known for being rather forgetful, careless and extremely lucky. Through a curious sequence of events, he conquered the islands of Hawaii virtually by accident in 3110 in a war with Spain known as the 'War of Six Pigs". The incident involves an accidental miscommunication with a Hawaiian warlord, intending to inform him that the Victor was offering him six pigs for his loyalty against the Spanish occupiers of the island, but which, instead, was translated as offering the man six pigs for his wife. The warlord apparently hated his wife with a passion and eagerly accepted the offer, which, when he died in an engagement with his wife several hours later, saw Victor I crowned as King of Hawaii. History has it that the King of Spain refused to eat any pork products from that day forth.
I shall have to add more later.
